To be considering leaving dh as this is the last straw

[Mrswhiskerson]

Dh is currently lying in bed after getting up in a foul mood,
he has just been to see a psychologist as he has been depressed pretty much all his life, at first the dr thought it might be bi polar the psychologist says he does not tick all the boxes for any one thing which sent dh into a decline as he was expecting miracles and when things don't go his way he has a tantrum and mopes about all day.

I was expecting him to get out if bed first just once as I normally do everything to make his life a bit easier but no I got up made ds breakfast etc and when he did get up it was to bite my head off then he went back to bed after a bath .
He can't think about anyone but himself and as far as I can see this isn't a marriage anymore never has been since ds was born and dh gradually got worse and worse , all I am is a carer and his crutch I have styed despite being called a prick , dick and told to go Fuc k myself more times than I can count all forgiven on account of his depression .

Talking to the psychologist has made me realise we never had the relationship I thought things were great until dh got any sort of responsibilty then he turned into a big kid (he has issues about being ignored as a kid by his family and some other awful things that happened)
thing is now I don't care anymore I think he is unwell
mentally but I also think he plays on it and whenever anyone points it out to him he kicks off and scares people into shutting up by shouting punching Walls etc etc.

I hve had enough I am twenty eight and my whole life revolves around keeping dh happy (which never works) so we can have some peace, at work I sit on my own during breaks so I can ring him and check things are ok so I don't worry , I never see my friends or family because we have no money and when I do he normally ruins it anyway by snapping at me about some thing or other.
I do still love (the real him) but my life is being dragged down and if he can't make the effort even on mothers day after I run around after him constantly then fuck him I can't live the rest if my life like this and ds does not deserve it.
The one thing keeping me here is he might try and kill himself if I leave with ds , we are his crutches apparently the only things he has to live for(his words)
if he did kill himself I would die inside and my poor ds would be left without a father .
What do I do? Would it be my fault if I left and the worst happened or should I stay and risk a breakdown myself because the pressure is unbearable .

I'm so sorry you are going through this but you cannot live like this. Can you go to see a counsellor to talk things through and make a plan on how to leave? You and your son will be miserable If you stay, you deserve better. You are young enough to start afresh - get advice/help and do it

Being depressed is not an excuse for calling you disgusting names and treating you like shit. Do not let yourself think otherwise.

He is an adult - if he commits suicide it is his choice & nothing to do with you leaving. Your son is a child & needs one of his parents, at least, to put him first. And you too have every right to be happy.

you are not being unreasonable at all. There is only so much anyone can take.
He may be mentally ill, but that doesnt mean youre his carer or his emotional punchbag

"I do still love (the real him) "

This IS the 'real him'

you have to accept that.

yanbu. I am so sorry. I could have written this back a few years ago except we didn't have children. It is very distressing to live like that - and to love someone like this.

I left and it was the right (bit very difficult) decision for me.

It sounds like an awful situation, he is using his illness as an excuse to be a prick. He needs to take some responsibility for himself.

It does sound like your life would be easier without him.

Does he have times where you can talk to him? If so you need to sit him down and explain that you are not willing to continue in this way and he needs to take trying to get help seriously and stop abusing you or you will go.

If you can't talk to him then just leave and tell him why, in a note if he won't listen.

And no. It would not be your fault if he killed himself.

Oh, he killed himself because I wouldn't let him call me a prick, a dick and tell me to fuck off and I wouldn't let him scream and punch things and terrify me.

Really?

I think being in the middle of this has made it impossible for you to think clearly.

How damaging is it to you to live like this?

How damaging is it to your son?

You deserve to have a life where you are not being abused and you owe it to your son to not allow him to grow up thinking this is how you treat your wife.

No, he sounds like he is manipulating you. He is an adult. He needs to be responsible for himself. Like you are responsible for yourself, and your child.

Your life with him seem really awful, and you are worth so much more.

Just been through this almost exact scenario and have left DH. It's an enormous relief, even though I'm still getting constant emotional blackmail and threats to OD from him. I have finally put DS and me first. He will probably never change. It's hard and you may get some flack for it, but honestly, life's too short. YANBU x

So sorry to hear this. You can't live like this and neither can your dc. Your dc will grow up with similar issues that you have described his father has. Your dc has to come first not dh. He deserves that.
If the he did commit suicide, that would be his choice. You and dc can not spend your lives miserable because he threatens this. He is controlling you and that is why he is saying this. He would rather his wife and child are miserable for the rest of their lives as long as they are with him. He will say anything to force you to stay.
He is abusing you and using depression as an excuse. Whatever you decide, I hope you find some happiness.

He's not depressed he's abusive. Or maybe he's depressed and abusive. Still, for you it's the abusive part that matters.

It sounds that since you've had your ds he's decided that he wants you to be his mummy too, and take care of him, and he's kicking off when you don't behave the way he's decided.

He's an adult. He needs to start making an effort, and you need to be shot of him.

What do you mean "you love him the real him"? It sounds like the bad tempered miserable him is the real him. And why does he call you prick and dick? or are you a male too and I've missed that, sorry if I have.
It might be time for you to leave, or to throw him out. You never know, it could be the making of him, he might realise he has to sort himself out and get out of bed because you won't be there to run round after him anymore. You are not his mother.

He says hes depressed and it might be genuine but from his point o view he is having a GREAT time being depressed. He sounds like one of my exes - he could fail his degree, stay in bed till 1pm, treat his nearest and dearest like shit because he's depressed and that his excuse for everything.
What you thought was the real him was him on his best behaviour. The real him is him NOW. From his POV he has a great life everybody panders to his whims, everybody is afraid of uPsetting him so h has no reason to change.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. Your DCs will find it hard at first but will be much happier not having to worry about keeping H happy all the time. Other posters will have more suitable advice on the logistics of separation. Good luck op!

No one is ever responsible for someone else killing themselves. Even the Samaritans believe that an individual has the right to do what they want to themselves.

You owe your child as stable an upbringing as you can possibly give. You don't owe him his Father. His father owes him that.

Depression is a horrible illness, but it is no different to many other illnesses in that a person can make choices about how they deal with it. Your husband doesn't seem to be making the right choices about how he deals with his illness. If he was doing his best to cope with his depression, you would know about it.

i have no advice really but ive been the child in this situation, my dad was depressed and horrible and my mum left him (i was 18) and my dad tried to kill himself, i found him and took him to hospital, he survived, eventually met a lovely woman and had 2 more children, he is a comp[letely different person now and we have a great relationship, i dont blame my mum for my dads attempted suicide, i blame him, hes an adult and they were both very unhappy together and now both very happy (10 years later) with other people.

Has it ever occurred to you that by staying he has no reason to get better? From his point of view if he knows he can behave appallingly and there is no comeback why will he change?
His mental health might improve in the long term if you split up.

I too was the child in this situation. My parents stayed together until I left home, and I have never recovered from seeing my mother abused the way she was. Depression is horrible, but it does not turn you into a bully - he's using it as an excuse.

For the sake of your son - please, please, please leave him. It's the best possible thing you could do for your child. xxx

As someone who has suffered from depression, i don't necessarily think he is using it as an excuse to be hurtful to you. I was VILE to my DP when i had PND, and we nearly slit up, i honestly think if the label of my illness had been different he would have left. As in if i was diagnosed bi-polar and there was no hope of improvement then he would have left. If i'm totally honest, i wouldn't have blamed him. I called him far worse things than your DH calls you and was physically violoent to him .

I think he owes it to himself and to you to try and push for a more solid diagnosis or at least some treatments, just because he doesn't have a diagnosis per se, that doesn't mean he cannot be treated.

I don't think anyone would blame you if you did leave, i changed my DP with my depression, he is not the carefree man before he was before i got sick :( Its jaded him, and i hate myself for it, it wasn't my fault, but it was still me that did all of those things. He stayed with me for our DD's sake, and things are good between us again because i got better, i still suffer from anxiety but the depression is gone, thank God. I actually think that had things continued we would have been better off apart, and that would have been the best thing for my DD.

Sadly, you might have to make that decision for the sake of your DC, it is not healthy to be stuck between two warring parents. I wish i had the answers for you, because its so sad that you might have to leave a decent man when its not fault that he is behaving this way, but it not being his fault doesn't make it any less dificult to bear :(

You are not responsible for his behaviour. If he wants to kill himself, it is his choice and not because you made him.

Being depressed doesn't cause a person to insult others, and not treat them properly on Mothers Day.

He has a diagnosis, depression is an illness, and can be crippling, he doesn't need to be bi-polar in order to get help. My brother was not diagnosed with BP for years, I was sure he was BP, and I was right. Your dh needs to get help with the depression, which is not just a "mood", but an illness.
Good luck, I am sorry you had a miserable mothers day.

My DH has OCD which is an anxiety disorder. He was undiagnosed for many years and it escalated hugely after the birth of our first child. It was a horrible time. He was horrendous to live with. He knew there was something wrong but it took ages for him to seek the appropriate help and to really start dealing with it.
In the end he only did because I made it clear I would leave him. I wou
D have been absolutely right to do this for my and my daughters sake. As would you. If he has no intention of trying to get better than you need to leave.

The kicker is he dies know he has a problem and his symptoms are verybi polar like, extreme highs and extreme lows the psychologist said something about his early building blocks being off kilter due to being sexually abused and watching his parents go through nervous breakdowns and he was emotionally neglected all his childhood .
He has beenbegging for help for years and years now the dr has promised counselling which never came through until recently.
He has been honest about the way he has treated me and told the dr it is damging us all but nothing ever seems to happen .
The psychologist is going to talk to a team of drs and pyscologists to see (with dhs permission) the best way they can treat this.

I really do not believe he is a bad person and I know mental illness can make people say and do terrible things , there is a real him but this illness is taking him over and I do not know why it is taking so long to get him treatment.I know how it sounds to people on here like denial but the man I married underneath the illness is a kind loyal loving person wehad four years of bliss and three years of bliss/hell.

He is a angry man and we have both told the psychologist everything I'm just hop g against hope something will now bedone and I can get back the wonderful loving man I married but until then I is clear I have no chioce but to leave at least temporarily.

When he has said horrible things he is tearful and full of remorse but It doesn't really wash with me , in my eyes it's similar to hitting me then being sorry it is abusive and I sore to myself after seeing my mum being beaten for years off her ex h I wold never stand for that yet here I am not being hit but scared and changing my behaviour to keep him happy.

After having a traumatic childhood in lots of ways I thought I had finally found happiness I am finding it really hard to acknowledge it was all a lie and maybe I am destined to never be happy .

I really think he needs rehab or intensve therapy , are such things available?

I am so sorry OP. I don't know the UK system very well. We are in Ireland. In the public system it can take years to get the appropriate therapy. Luckily for us we had private health insurance so were able to get quick access to counsellors and an admission to a psychiatric hospital. DH attended as a day patient for a couple of months rather than staying overnight which is also available.
Im sure in the UK there is psychiatric hospitals with very good therapy programmes as well. Have you looked?

If it helps I can tell you how we did it.
Attended GP got recommendation for good counsellor
Attended counsellor after a few sessions she provided a diagnosis we were very happy fitted his problems
I researched intensive programmes specifically dealing with OCD and anxiety. Found one in a very well known and respected hospital
Sought referral from counsellor.
Continued seeing her until DH admitted to programme. Our insurance paid so we did nt have to wait long.

Depression is a ver selfish illness. You should not stay because of suicide threats - his choice.