To be considering leaving dh as this is the last straw

[Mrswhiskerson]

Dh is currently lying in bed after getting up in a foul mood,
he has just been to see a psychologist as he has been depressed pretty much all his life, at first the dr thought it might be bi polar the psychologist says he does not tick all the boxes for any one thing which sent dh into a decline as he was expecting miracles and when things don't go his way he has a tantrum and mopes about all day.

I was expecting him to get out if bed first just once as I normally do everything to make his life a bit easier but no I got up made ds breakfast etc and when he did get up it was to bite my head off then he went back to bed after a bath .
He can't think about anyone but himself and as far as I can see this isn't a marriage anymore never has been since ds was born and dh gradually got worse and worse , all I am is a carer and his crutch I have styed despite being called a prick , dick and told to go Fuc k myself more times than I can count all forgiven on account of his depression .

Talking to the psychologist has made me realise we never had the relationship I thought things were great until dh got any sort of responsibilty then he turned into a big kid (he has issues about being ignored as a kid by his family and some other awful things that happened)
thing is now I don't care anymore I think he is unwell
mentally but I also think he plays on it and whenever anyone points it out to him he kicks off and scares people into shutting up by shouting punching Walls etc etc.

I hve had enough I am twenty eight and my whole life revolves around keeping dh happy (which never works) so we can have some peace, at work I sit on my own during breaks so I can ring him and check things are ok so I don't worry , I never see my friends or family because we have no money and when I do he normally ruins it anyway by snapping at me about some thing or other.
I do still love (the real him) but my life is being dragged down and if he can't make the effort even on mothers day after I run around after him constantly then fuck him I can't live the rest if my life like this and ds does not deserve it.
The one thing keeping me here is he might try and kill himself if I leave with ds , we are his crutches apparently the only things he has to live for(his words)
if he did kill himself I would die inside and my poor ds would be left without a father .
What do I do? Would it be my fault if I left and the worst happened or should I stay and risk a breakdown myself because the pressure is unbearable .

OP, I am so sorry. My DH suffers from long-term chronic depression, he has good periods when everything is ok but he is a fucking nightmare to live with when he is down. He refuses to get medical help at the moment. :(

Sometimes I think I've had enough and I want to walk away, but then he is ok for a while and I think we can make it work. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in my own home. It shouldn't have to be this way.

I find myself clinging to this fantasy of the man I thought I married, and not the bitter, sad man that he has become. It's very hard, but I cannot find the strength to walk away. And there is the guilt, too - I would not leave him if he was physically ill, should mental illness be any different?

I have no advice, only sympathy.

I think such things may be available, but in my experience, the person with the illness has to ask for them. I have been told over and over, "we cannot do anything unless the person asks/agrees". What a dreadful situation for you, it must seem like Catch 22. Only thing I can say is that things do move on and they will get better, even if it's absolutely dire for a while. I do hope you can find a way foward.

Depression is a ver selfish illness

Its also a very misunderstood and greatly stigmatised illness. I am the wife of a person who suffers from depression and comments like that are REALLY unhelpful.

His depression is not an excuse for the way he treats you, and its probably not even the cause. People with depression do not usually behave this way.

Mrswhiskerson, you don't HAVE to make a decision that will affect the whole of your life forever from now on you know, its not a case of stay or go, the end, but a case of you not being able to live like this right now... you don't have to 'abandon' your DH, but you don't have to put up with it.

If he's only just started getting the therapy he's been screaming for, even if its the right form of therapy (and there are no guaruntees that it is!) then it could get worse before it gets better, either way its going to take time.

Some distance, breathing space, for both of you may be a good thing for both of you? You can still 'be a couple', you can still be married, he can still be a father, you can still support him, but you both need space. If in a few month's time you find you don't want to get back together then's the time to decide. You don't have to make all the decisions in one go.

The only one you have to make at present is whether you can put up with things the way they are right now? One thing at a time.

There could be a real chance of your DH beginning to heal and manage his illness/condition/demons/personality so they enhance your life not damage it, so I can't write him off, but you don't have to be his emotional punch bag whilst he's finding his own personal strategies. x

He's abusive. His depression isn't the problem, his abuse of you is. He uses his mental health status as an excuse and a threat to keep you controlled and isolated. Get yourself a copy of this book as it will help you understand his behaviour.

OP YANBU to think about leaving him, you have a child to look out for, a responsibility to create an environment for DC to achieve in. I think he sounds emotionally abusive.

Snatch back some of yourself. Start with the breaks at work, sit with people. See your family without him.

Move your thread to relationships.

I left a man who was stunted by his childhood. You can't change them. You can change yourself.

I was miserable, walked on eggshells, put off my family from visiting but no longer. I am very, very content. Sometimes I think I could pop I'm so grateful to be free and be myself!

His condition is a lot worse than depression he is mentally ill and I really think he needs to be taken into hospital , he has been abusive smashed doors and accused me of neglecting our child amongst other things then he is a crying wrck saying he has ruined my life all he does is ruin peoples lives and he wishes he was never born all this in two days, I have had a couple of days with my family and told them what I had been going through,
they are very supportive but I'm scared of the future I want my lovely husband back but he has a lot of treatment and I can't take it f thngs get worse I'm barely holding it together now so for the sake of ds I am going to arrange alternative living arrangements , Sunday night I was begginghim not to smash the house up , he didn't and wept Instead it's like he isn't there and he remembers nothing he has said after amd gets upset over how horrible he has been.
It's a nightmare at the moment poor ds two years ago when he was born we were happy newly weds wth a new house and baby now it's all turned to shit.

Leave the bastard, you owe it to yourself and mostly to your son!

Both of you are entitled to a decent future and happiness.

Don't dither any longer, get on with your and your son's life.

"He says hes depressed and it might be genuine but from his point o view he is having a GREAT time being depressed"

No. He isn't. It isn't possible to have a great time being depressed.

However I think you need to take drastic steps. He's in a rut and thinks it's up to everyone else to fix things. I know, I've been there. If you leave but don't shut the door forever - 'I'm sorry, I can't live like this anymore and neither can DS. You need to address your MH issues and when you have we will talk again'.

Agree with OrmIrian. Leave and close the door for now but say it needn't be the end.

Hopefully you leaving will be a wake up call for change and treatment. As long as you stay you are enabling to continue mistreating you.

It sounds like a nightmare and I am so sorry. I hope you get him back one day when he has healed. He sounds like he is in Hell, but that really doesn't mean you have to be. Someone has to keep your child away from this awful environment and that person is you. Leave and let him get the treatment he needs.

Good luck.

Whether underneath all this he is a good person is, IMO, irrelevant right now. The point is that you and DS cannot, and should not, be living like this. You need and deserve so much better. I say that as somebody who has had MH issues for most of my life. In my teens I treated some friends like possessions and frankly I deserved to lose them. It has helped me turn things around and no matter how much I'm struggling I wouldn't treat anyone that way now.

He sounds really unstable - if he is at risk of harming himself or others he probably needs to be sectioned.

Sometimes depression makes people want to destroy everything good in their lives to fuel the misery. The best way to hurt yourself is to hurt those that you care most about.

Depression is not an excuse for his behaviour but it my be the reason for it.

You need to ultimately put your child and yourself first. I would be looking for something to tell me that he wants to get better, there is help out there beyond the nhs.

Not had time to read replies but wanted to offer my support.

Go and see a counselling psychologist first and foremost. I know it's not cheap. NHS GP can refer you but you'll probably need to wait. If you can scrape together enough for 2-3 private sessions you would gain a lot of insight and practical advice. Also try Relate for counselling services, I think they have a flat rate fee and will waive fees in cases of hardship.

I also highly recommend you read this book www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1332345129&sr=8-1

With appropriate advice and support you can bring about changes in his behaviour. You say you still love the real him. If so then give it a last try, with the professional help you need.

But don't stay for the wrong reasons, ie because of what he has (impliedly) threatened to do to himself if you go. Yes his issues mean that he would take it hard if you left. But if you truly do not love him any more then you would be doing a disservice to yourself, your son, and also to your husband (even if he does not see it that way) if you stayed.

I am so sorry to hear this. I'm not surprised you're so desperate - sounds an awful way to live. One thing: you are NOT his crutch and if you left him and he tried to kill himself it would NOT be your fault. This is emotional blackmail (whether it can be explained or not by his depression).

Can you visit his gp and tell him this and arrange for some counselling? Something must be able to help him. Antidepressants/CBT/anything/

Lots of hugs to you.

Do some research on ADHD, see if any of the symptoms fit if they do go back to your GP and be prepared for a battle ( might be worth telling GP it runs in his family then maybe he can be assessed. ) good luck.

He has been staying with his parents for a few days and is going to live there on a semi permanent basis until things are gettng better , he does want help and he has been fine about us living seperately he encouraged it in fact he does love us and we love him and he said he couldn't bear what he was doing to us, the phychiatric nurse is coming out to see him today with some other mh professionals to discuss treatment options with him.

I am sorting our finances and other aspects of our lives that are a mess throgh all this, I have just been told my contract will not be renewed this morning and now I am out of a job god knows what I will do but I won't give up .
Ds and I have been having some time to bond and do lovely things and he seems a lot happier.
Thanks everyone for the advice and helping me keep a sense of perspective sometimes you live in a situation so long it becomes the norm and only when you step back and or tell people what is going on you realise how warped your living situation really is , I definately needed my eyes opened to how wrong it all is and I am taking control of my life back .

Mrs Whiskerson. Sounds like you are both taking steps in the right direction. Your words about not seeing how bad it was until it was hindsight ring very true. Take care of yourself and let the professionals take over with your husband. Your DS is lucky to have such a devoted mother and good luck finding a new job.