To never want to host another child's party as long as I live in this area?

[lecce]

So ds1 had his party today and, as he is in YR and we don't have a huge circle of friends/his friends outside school, we invited the whole class. Having hired a local hall and bouncy castle, we sent out invitations 3 weeks ago. The three people who we know outside school and we were pretty certain of anyway responded with 'Yes' straight away.

A couple of others who are not in his class but whose dc he plays with after school in a nearby park responded positively and promptly too. We had three quick 'Nos' and three quick 'Yeses' from his class and nothing from the rest. Nothing.

So last week dh, sahd, began chivvying parents at the school gates and got 8 'Yeses', including 2of ds's friends he mentions quite a bit, so I was pleased to be able to tell him that they were certainly coming. One bloke said he would come but then said it had been nice to meet dh if he didn't make it! Wtf - either you commit to attending or you make your apologies - do people not realise the amount of time and effort it takes to plan these events - made all the more difficult because you don't know how many are coming?

Today, of these last 8, 4 didn't come, including the 2 who are ds's particular friends. AIBU to think this incredibly rude? Moreover, of the children from his class who did come, several did not bring presents! One of them left as soon as child was dropped off and left no present (this one hadn't rsvp'd at all -even verbally) AIBU to think she was totally taking the piss and that she saw it as 2 hours free childcare?

I have spent the last 2 months worrying about this event, not least because we don't know loads of people and I sometimes worry about ds socially at school (though am told by dh and his teacher there is no problem - I am a little anxious as a person). It did go well - ds and those who attended had a ball and ds has gone to bed very happy. But...I am now surrounded by unused party bags and a lot of uneaten food and I just wonder - wtf can't people rsvp and, more importantly turn up when they have said they would?

YANBU

Totally agree that people have been very rude by not RSVPing and not bringing a card and at least a token/cheap present.

I wonder whether by inviting the whole class that some people thought it didn't matter if their dc didn't attend as lots of others would be going, so that could be why only a few actually came. Also at this stage in year R friendships are only just starting to form and so children won't be badgering their parents that they really want to go to X's party and so parents might not bother so much with taking them (my ds couldn't name more than about 8 children in his class for the whole of year R). So don't give up OP, as long as your ds had a fab time at his party then it was worth it . Getting to know the parents in the playground will make a difference as well if you're worried about how he's doing socially, tbh the children I invite to play are initially the ones of parents I know.

Glad you can see the funny side Lecce

Honestly, it's par for the course in Reception that you worry and then worry some more that they've got no mates. DD had a big sob story that she sat in the playground alone every lunchtime and had me in tears until I had the good sense to check with the teacher who told me to sneak in one lunchtime and see her flying around playing silly buggers..."no mates" indeed!

ps have done three "whole class" parties now - next time offer the parents a stab at the leftovers at pick up (bring some doggy bags and divvy it up) - you'll be amazed at how many takers you get from people who don't want to have to think about tea! Also, bring a few beers/couple of bottles of wine together with adult nibbles so you can bribe convince some parents to stay and chat so that you can increase your circle of playdates

That's terrible, pinecones.:( Bloody meanies not to rally round and welcome you to your new town. Hope they stirred themselves to be more appreciative of their fab new residents following this rubbishness.

They are a minefield, parties, aren't they? I think it sounds like you managed to throw rather an excellent one, lecce, if your boy has gone to bed all happy. I'm hoping to get away without doing any for my daughter as her birthday is in the summer holidays! Is this a good get-out clause?

lack of RSVPs YANBU

lack of presents YABU .

-left over food - normal for a party. You will never get the catering spot on.
-out of 20 kids you had 4 no shows. that's not bad really. You will probably get one or two apologies on Monday from people who expected Dh to take little johnny, but DH was watching rugby etc and 1 or 2 others will simply have forgotten or child was ill or misbehaved.

-No contact details for a particular child - you needed to be more organised on that front. A good big party has someone on the door as kids arrive getting a contact number and name for EVERY child and issuing kids with name stickers. Makes life easier for every one as you can call all the kids by name during games and tea.

Avenged - good for you!

Lecce - YANBU. But your DS had a lovely time, and so did his friends, so although the party wasn't quite as you'd hoped you gave him a good brithday party. You may be eating party food for a few days - but that will save on cooking. Party bags can be reused, party bag gifts too (or put into presents).

Did the class definitely get the invitations? Maybe people thought it was just a verbal invite from your DH?

If people leave their DC, make sure you have a contact number, and make it clear that you are running the party, not supervising the children. "If you're happy that he won't leave the building by himself, and will ask if he needs help with anything, that's fine - obviously I'm organising the party, so can't watch him all the time."

I've been guilty of no present before - usually one to follow when I've run out of time and don't want to just grab anything. (There's always a handmade card though.)

I second Unis on the stickers. Write them in advance, and it means that all helpers (and anyone else who happens to have stayed) can call the child by name.

YANBU. People can be so hurtful and rude.

Blimey - you got all the permutations of unreasonable party guest behavior in one there, OP.

Turning up without at least a token present is bloody rude and we have never had that. Leaving a 4/5yo without an introduction and a "here is my phone number just in case" is bloody weird. Not RSVPing is also, IMHO, unreasonable but there are an amazing number of otherwise apparently sane people who think otherwise.

On the bright side, your DS had fun, party leftovers are always popular, and hopefully by next year he will have an identifiable set of friends and you can be more selective although he will probably choose all the non repliers and no shows

Each year we issue a blanket invite to DCs class. We have to prod a few but mostly parents respond within days to our RSVP. Of 28 kids about 23 typical say Yes with none dropping out on the day.

Makes me realise what a great bunch of classmates (school gate moms) we had.

OP - I feel for you.

Cashncarry, your 'nice' hat must be on wonky as it does not seem to be working. Calling the op 'bonkers' is ott. Maybe try a little more tact next time. Just a suggestion!

cashncarry - you are being unkind. Good for you that out of a whole class, 4 turned up and you are happy. I would not be.

DD2 had a small party last year, invited 4, 1 was ill (confirmed defintley wouldn't make it on morning), 1's parent said they might come after I asked them and never rsvp'd either way, 1 was an hour late and 1 rsvp'd when asked and turned up on time. seriously thining of not bothering.

I send out invites with an RSVP deadline on them of 1.5 weeks previous. I ask them to RSVP by phone or text and add my mobile number. This then gives me time to send out a reminder invite.

I hand out the invites whilst waiting for the gates to open and I "instruct" my son to hand it to the adult with their invited friend. This means I know it has reached the adult and not left to fester in a bookbag.

A couple of days before the party I send out a mass text saying how much ds is looking forward to seeing them at the party on xxxx day at xxxx time xxxxx location.

Think you're a bit behind Confuseddd and Petitma - Lecce was sensible enough to find my comments helpful. But heyho, if you want to start a bunfight over the use of the word "bonkers", please don't let me stop you.

I think that as your son progresses through his primary school career you will learn that this is (unfortunately) normal behaviour. But I think too that you were very unfortunate with the large number of non-attendees.

Have to say that we very quickly started to ensure that party invites were only issued to those whose parents have social graces and understand the etiquette of RSVP etc.... and whose children would not require one-to-one attention for fear of them running amok!

I will probably get shouted down for this but in our experience it is a bit of a (social) class thing. From limited experience of DCs' the non-attendees/respondees do tend to over-represent a certain demographic. (ducks for cover at the fall-out...). And despite the fact that you would think they would be more concerned about 'money down the drain' they seem not to bat an eyelid about it when it's other people's that is being wasted!

DW always gets DD to write an acceptance note (she likes doing them) and personally I think that is to be encouraged as it starts the children in good habits from a young age.

But for future reference do hardly any food. We have friends and the wife is a nursery nurse. The first time DS went to one of their DCs parties I was shocked at the apparent scanty provision of food - but through experience she understood that DCs don't eat much at parties because they are too excited and actually the amount of catering she had provided was just right for a hall-full of children.

On the subject of pressies, people are usually more than generous and I don't think your DS is going to miss out from not receiving one pressie from one party attendee. DS has a friend whose family are financially poor (but they work and do not claim benefits) and can't really afford presents but that has never stopped him from being invited to lots of parties.

Personally I think that the providing presents factor has got out of control. When we were children you would rarely have a party for more than about 8 - 10 friends and as we had many fewer toys in those days, pressies were a welcome addition to one's toybox. These days, we find that the DCs have more than enough to start with and we do regularly syphon off discarded but not used birthday pressies to charities. I am sure the day will come when people might ask for party attendees not to bring them at all!