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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to host another child's party as long as I live in this area?

64 replies

lecce · 17/03/2012 21:14

So ds1 had his party today and, as he is in YR and we don't have a huge circle of friends/his friends outside school, we invited the whole class. Having hired a local hall and bouncy castle, we sent out invitations 3 weeks ago. The three people who we know outside school and we were pretty certain of anyway responded with 'Yes' straight away.

A couple of others who are not in his class but whose dc he plays with after school in a nearby park responded positively and promptly too. We had three quick 'Nos' and three quick 'Yeses' from his class and nothing from the rest. Nothing.

So last week dh, sahd, began chivvying parents at the school gates and got 8 'Yeses', including 2of ds's friends he mentions quite a bit, so I was pleased to be able to tell him that they were certainly coming. One bloke said he would come but then said it had been nice to meet dh if he didn't make it! Wtf - either you commit to attending or you make your apologies - do people not realise the amount of time and effort it takes to plan these events - made all the more difficult because you don't know how many are coming?

Today, of these last 8, 4 didn't come, including the 2 who are ds's particular friends. AIBU to think this incredibly rude? Moreover, of the children from his class who did come, several did not bring presents! One of them left as soon as child was dropped off and left no present (this one hadn't rsvp'd at all -even verbally) AIBU to think she was totally taking the piss and that she saw it as 2 hours free childcare?

I have spent the last 2 months worrying about this event, not least because we don't know loads of people and I sometimes worry about ds socially at school (though am told by dh and his teacher there is no problem - I am a little anxious as a person). It did go well - ds and those who attended had a ball and ds has gone to bed very happy. But...I am now surrounded by unused party bags and a lot of uneaten food and I just wonder - wtf can't people rsvp and, more importantly turn up when they have said they would?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 17/03/2012 21:50

I would take a present , but I honestly wouldn't care if anyone turned up to my childrens parties without one .I think it's rude to expect presents.

thekidsrule · 17/03/2012 21:52

ive been really lucky with my kids partys with attendance etc none of these horror stories i read on mumsnet BUT i do think its rude not to bring a card or present,thats all part of the party for the child,maybe wrong attitude but true

anyway i hate shopping for presents for kids i dont know very well as with all presents i like to get something they would like so now just bung £5 in a card (works out cheaper as well,lol) and they can put it towards something a winner everytime.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/03/2012 21:54

usual you might be okay with no presents- that's your opinion and you are entitled to it.

But we are talking about a small child, maybe 5 yo. Surely a huge part of it is "ooh what presents did you get" from the other children.
It has always been done. My DC enjoy choosing a present as part of the build up to the party, they wouldn't feel right not taking one.

Original poster
lecce · 17/03/2012 21:56

No, it's not why I have parties. Ffs, I had a party because I hoped it would help ds make friends and give him some 'status' in his class - that sounds wrong, basically, I have been worried about him making friends and thought a party could only help him on his way in this area.

It never occured to me that people wouldn't bring presents because I would never turn up without one and now, on top of the other rudeness re: 8RSVPs*, the lack of presents has narked me a bit. It's not the main issue though and I love the way you have said nothing about people mucking me about re: attending or not and jumped on the fact that I mentioned presents. Alright, you've got me, I am a grasping cow.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 17/03/2012 21:57

YANBU about the rsvps , ok all better now

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/03/2012 21:58

And as for having a party to get presents- in most cases you'd be a damn site cheaper buying your DC presents than having the party!

NightLark · 17/03/2012 22:00

I get you lecce. I gave DS a big party this year cos he comes home saying he has no friends. I don't think it's true (managed to get 20 to his party anyway) but it was important to him to see that he could have a party and be the main man for a bit! Presents are a total red herring here.

usualsuspect · 17/03/2012 22:00

The answer is not to have whole class parties .

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/03/2012 22:01

lecce it's over for a year now .

Next year do something smaller like a film and McDonalds.
Much less stressful!

QueenofMacaroniCheese · 17/03/2012 22:01

I would be upset with the combination of things - the lack of RSVPs, people saying they were coming and not coming and people turning up without any gift, (big or small) and without a sense of "occasion" - (this is your DCs special day and it's important and we understand that ). Especially, as you say, you want your DS to fit in and be liked and for his friends to enjoy his party and associate that fun with him... YANBU - I hope he had a happy day regardless and didn't notice.

BluddyMoFo · 17/03/2012 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cashncarry · 17/03/2012 22:03

I think you sound a bit bonkers if I'm honest - out of 30 invites, you only had 8 possibles and four of those turned up. If you'd planned correctly, you shouldn't really have masses of food left over and the leftover party bags can easily be distributed by DS to those who didn't make it when he's back at school. I do agree that the parent who dropped and ran with no present is taking the piss a bit but "incredibly rude"? Really? You invited their son and presumably didn't stipulate that presents were necessary....

With my "nice" hat on, I might humbly suggest that your confession "I am a little anxious as a person" might have some bearing here. It sounds like all concerned had a good time, especially your DS so maybe you should unclench a bit and give yourself a pat on the back. Just a suggestion!

busyboysmum · 17/03/2012 22:04

I think they were all incredibly rude. If you had invited me I would have replied immediately, turned up unless ds was on his death bed and certainly brought a card and a pressie.

People are so thoughtless nowadays and I don't think it's on at all.

startail · 17/03/2012 22:05

UANBU,
Nor are you being unreasonable to expect a card and a small present. That is law of children's parties. Just as you are expected to provide a party bag at the end which contains cake and at least on other item.
Serious inventiveness is needed to ensure that extra party bags do not cost too much and can be recycled because of the RSVP problem.

nobutyeahbut · 17/03/2012 22:07

That is the best way, just have a few friends.

DD2 is 6 next week and she is having a party, we have only invited 4 friends and it is at our house (i will never pay £16 a head at a soft play and have lots of no shows again!)

There will still be a sense of occasion, i will decorate the dining room and everything will be lovely and, i know the four people we have invited will turn up.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/03/2012 22:07

The whole class party thing is a whole other can of worms.
How many threads are on AIBU with "My DS/DD was the only child not invited"
and the poster saying "Oh that's so rude, they should invite everyone/not hand out invitations in the playground/ not exclude someone for whatever reason"

Thankfully whole class parties tend to be Reception and Yr1 (which makes them every week or 2 weeks ).
Then it becomes more selective , best friends.

PineCones · 17/03/2012 22:07

God brings back terrible memories of being six, in a new town, gorgeous cake baked by mum, shedload of people invited from school and NOT ONE landing up. was gutted.
On the flipside, had lots of cake every day for the next week :)

onebigchocolatemess · 17/03/2012 22:08

YANBU OP, of course people take presents to parties its rule 101 and a nice thing to do. Its a simple case of manners (or lack of) and I too would be gutted.

Luckily your DC is too young to notice and had a great time so focus on that, and do a small day out for a select few in future

Don't take it too personally, I am sure if its was like this for you it has probably been like this for others in the past hence the reaction you got. Still no excuse but take heed from your DH and teacher's perspective on your DC's friends situation and status and worry about it no more!

Wine
pinkhebe · 17/03/2012 22:08

well I turned up at one party, and the parents had forgotton they were hosting a party (soft play area 10 miles from where we live Shock) They had to be phoned and turned an an hour late. That was strange.

Avenged · 17/03/2012 22:08

I discovered this when my 2 DC's were about 4 and 5yo and had their joint party at the local soft play centre. About 3 or 4 mums said they would let me know if their DC were going and I told them that I would be booking and paying for the party the day before.

Two of them turned up on the day, after the bill was settled and demanded to know why their DS's didn't have food. I told them politely that if they had informed me their DS's were going before I had paid, then I would have booked their food, BUT because they failed to let me know either way, I simply paid for the kids I knew were going to be at the party.

After that, I told them they were welcome to join in if they would buy their DS their own food, but they stormed off in a huff. Although the Monday after they were slagging me off in the playground (not that I care anyway), so the other folk in the playground saw their true colours coming out and now, a lot of the decent folk avoid them like the plague.

Original poster
lecce · 17/03/2012 22:10

Yes, I probably should unclench a bit and ds did have a great time so it's all good really Grin.

I agree that whole class parties aren't the best but it's hard when your child hasn't really made firm friends yet (I'm told that's normal for his age - help me out, I'm clenching up again here) and you don't really know who to invite from his class. We do have a couple of friends not from school but a couple means a couple and I didn't see how we would differentiate it from a run-of-the-mill play-date.

OP posts:
nobutyeahbut · 17/03/2012 22:14

I am sure by this time next year your ds will be much more settled and have some firm friends to celebrate with. Don't worry!

thekidsrule · 17/03/2012 22:15

£16 for soft play party thats expensive,around here average £8

party bags were so easy for mine (cant stand the things) his birthday 3 days before christmas and sainsburys had their large selection box on offer for £2 each,the kids were thrilled

hope your son had a great day

Busyoldfool · 17/03/2012 22:16

Poor you - YANBU - some people are just horrible. Be sure that your DS had a good time - thanks to you - and you can think of other ways of celebrating future birthdays.

nobutyeahbut · 17/03/2012 22:17

thekidsrule that was at Gambado in London...never again!