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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to call DH thoughtless and careless re Mother's Day?

36 replies

dogdaysareover · 17/03/2012 20:13

Tomorrow it is my first Mother's Day. I am having DH's and my entire family round for a party (my idea and I'm happy to host). Have spent the whole week making thoughtful, hand crafted gifts for both my mum and vile MIL. This afternoon DH revealed that he had not got me anything (no, not even a card) as he has been working long hours (true, but as I pointed out Mother's Day is a fixed date, like Christmas, my birthday etc and whilst he may have been working long hours THIS week, he knew MD was coming up). I feel sad because I've had a tough time since DS born (with very little support from family or DH) and I just wanted the day to feel a bit special, for DH to make a bit of a fuss (not in terms of big expensive pressies, but just thoughtful stuff). Should I make it into a biggie or just let it go? Don't want bad atmosphere tomorrow, but really, not even a card ffs!!!

OP posts:

SparkyMcSparrow · 17/03/2012 20:14

Mothers day is not a fixed date.

SparkyMcSparrow · 17/03/2012 20:15

Sorry that doesn't help.
Had you told him that you wanted a card? Men need to be told!

Geordieminx · 17/03/2012 20:16

Why are you hosting a party if your families haven't really supported you? [puzzled]

You need to start and look after yourself, not other people who do nothing for you.

SparkyMcSparrow · 17/03/2012 20:16

Also let it go. Enjoy your first mothers day. You will have your family around you tomorrow! Who needs a card!

I would love to be able to have mine and dh's family all in one room, never going to happen :(

SparkyMcSparrow · 17/03/2012 20:18

Didn't read that properly.

I second what Geordie said!

redlac · 17/03/2012 20:18

Don't fall for the commercial crappy holiday! It's much more special when your child will make you a card rather than some hallmark crap.

Forget all about it, enjoy tomorrow and make sure he does the washing up & stop with the handmade lovely stuff for people who haven't supported you when you needed it

MrsMumf · 17/03/2012 20:19

I'm getting splinters perching on the fence.

It's my first Mothering Sunday also and I also had a difficult time for many reasons so I'm completely with you in wanting a special day where I'm made to feel appreciated. To that end I told DH that DD had discussed the matter and she wanted to get me a card and some nice lunch.

Maybe your DH didn't realise it meant so much to you? Though the effort of hosting a dinner should have made it clear to him.

WhaleOilBeefHookedIWill · 17/03/2012 20:25

A party? Flipping heck pfb much???

EightiesChick · 17/03/2012 20:26

I understand how you feel as I too love getting cards. While there are many posters on here who aren't bothered and therefore will advise you not to be, many people do really like and value getting them and I'm in that camp. My DH responds very well now though has got accustomed to this over years of conditioning.

For that reason I would resolve in future to be clear with him about your expectations. It is not too much to ask to get a card - lots of people work long hours and still manage it, plus given that supermarkets are now open 24 hours and sell cards, plus there is this thing called the internet - you can take 5 mins to pick up a card somewhere or order one on Moonpig.

I do think you have to consider your own behaviour towards the rest of your family here. As Geordieminx said, why are you throwing them a party when they haven't helped you out? Are you really happy about this? Or are you doing it hoping it will bring you all together, make them nicer etc? Again I would be clear about expectations. If they haven't offered to help till now, then think up specific things they can do (don't just ask generaly for 'help') like getting your shopping, taking your DS for 2 hours in an evening, or whatever. The worst that happens is they say no.

I would say to your DH that you would really like a card to remember your first mother's day by, and can he either grab one tonight or get one tomorrow (shops will still have some left)? Next year you can make this clear further in advance. Many people may disagree but I really think you should be straight about what you want. It's not asking the earth.

FredFredGeorge · 17/03/2012 20:26

You are not your husbands mother, whilst he coud've got something from your baby who couldn't do it himself, it's hardly required, you know if he's actually busy.

You should absolutely let it go, it's bonkers to put any stock at all in a "day". If he never does anything thoughtful for you then you should address that, and not tie up the thoughtfulness into specific days - that's really crap.

EightiesChick · 17/03/2012 20:29

Just to add - I do totally sympathise with you wanting a special day, as I said. However, it also seems like it's functioning as a lightning rod for all the disappointment you have felt about the lack of support you've had more generally. I would take this as a prompt to think more about the way you want your life to be, and then start working towards changing it. This means working out quite specifically what support you want and communicating that clearly to the people in your life - not all at once, necessarily, but in manageable chunks. Don't let this continue to fester, is what I'm saying.

FiremanPenny · 17/03/2012 20:29

My first Mother's Day was ruined by my ex as I had expectation, not high ones but just of a card and had made it very clear what it meant to me. He decided to not get a card to basically be spiteful but hide it under the idea he had forgot. He hadn't.

Since then I had decided the day each year is about a celebration of me being a mother & so I celebrate it with my child having a day out together. If I have the money I buy myself a gift (like £10 or less!) and a card. Some people think I am mad doing this but this way I get a card, I get a lovely gift and then I go and have a day out with my child. No ruined expectations.

I guess it is just another part of me making my own happiness and not waiting on others to do it.

dulwichparkrunner · 17/03/2012 20:29

I have bought myself a present and a card for my son and husband to give to me tomorrow! They generally don't bother so when I was getting the cards on their behalf for my DH's mum, thought I might as well treat myself. It's a load of commercial nonsense so don't get too upset by your family forgetting.

scarborough84 · 17/03/2012 20:31

I see where you are coming from. It happened to be too when dc were small. Last year was the 1st year i was spoiled. however, it was tinged with sadness as I lost my mum a week or so before. Tomorrow, I will be out to dinner with in-laws and dc will no doubt buy me little gifts. HOwever, I wolud much rather have no gifts but still have mum with me.
Sorry you are not getting support from your family.

EightiesChick · 17/03/2012 20:31

FredFredGeorge busy is a realtive term, though. I find it hard to believe that even people working long hours don't have 5 mins to spare. It's just that he didn't see it as important in the way his wife did. It's not absolutely clear cut for me that he's right and she's wrong.

LeeCoakley · 17/03/2012 20:31

Well he's had the rest of the day to go and buy something if he knows it means that much to you. If he doesn't well he obviously doesn't care so make sure you return the sentiment on Fathers' Day

It's making the day nice for mothers that counts not lining the pockets of card and flower companies.

LadyWidmerpool · 17/03/2012 20:33

Whale I don't see what's PFB about it. There's nothing wrong with celebrating days which are special to you.

OP, you have a great day.

NightingaleSong · 17/03/2012 20:38

thoughtful, hand crafted gifts for ... vile MIL. hmm. You don't come across well...

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 17/03/2012 20:39

I understand why you're upset - I only want a card too (because it's not like I get them randomly, it's nice, I get one for DH on father's day), just something to show they appreciate it, and it will be so much nicer in a few years when DC are big enough to make cards etc. But it would be nice if DH showed he appreciated me being mum to his children - tis only a card FFS. And it did mean a lot to me the first year I was a mum on Mother's Day - my brother, dad, DH, mum and DS all went out for lunch together and the boys split the bill, it was lovely celebrating all together.

But I agree that if this is your expectation you should probably tell him so.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/03/2012 20:41

"vile MIL" YABU

Original poster

dogdaysareover · 17/03/2012 20:42

Ok, so some perspective and I should (and will) let it go. I guess I have felt really let down since birth of DS. My own mother would have helped more, but DSF has been ill and she lives many miles away. As for vile MIL, well she has been toe-curlingly vile to me, but I never expected any support really from her. I'm having her round tomorrow out of courtesy for DH as I'm aware we def "gravitate" towards my family (cos they are much nicer people) and I promised myself I'd try be more equitable for DS's sake. DH pretty crap since DS born (he does work excruciating hours, but still...) I suppose I just want a bit of recognition for the hard work (joyous work, but hard work) it has been since DS was born, a little bit of "you are a fabulous mummy" wouldn't go amiss, but hey I don't need anyone to tell me that.

OP posts:

ceeveebee · 17/03/2012 20:44

Its my first mothers day too. All I want is a lie in and someone else to cook my lunch for me for once! I have never heard of anyone having a party for mothers day, is it really that big a deal? So I think you're being a bit U.

BluddyMoFo · 17/03/2012 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aribura · 17/03/2012 20:49

He's your husband not your child. I wouldn't exactly call it thoughtless unless you've made it clear that you would want one. I don't think you should place so much expectations on "Mother's Day". Big party suggests that you are. Just tell your husband you want to be treated if it's so important. I don't think it's reasonable for it to be treated as the default and expected position at all. See sentence 1...

I also don't get at all why you are treating people who have been "vile" to you to presents. WHY. I hate this modern notion of Mother's Day and the implication that mothers are some kind of sacred breed and we have to respect them all and celebrate them all on a certain day even if they do a crappy job/are horrible people. (I'm not saying YOU are doing a crappy job at all, by the way, but if you think someone is "vile"...) I much prefer MOTHERING Sunday, which to me means anyone acting in a motherly and loving fashion can be celebrated, even those unrelated to us or without children. Not just anyone who gave birth, for the sake of it, even if they aren't at all motherly.

McHappyPants2012 · 17/03/2012 20:51

It doesn't take a mothers day to make you feel special.

I know my children appreciate me, from all the hugs and kisses my son is 5 and will get a bar of chocolate or make me a drink without being asked and will tell me he loves me. My dd 2 smile when she comes out of nursery.

Tomorrow I am taking them out because without them I would not be a mum

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