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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think school should have called me about this?

44 replies

CrystalMaize · 17/03/2012 14:25

At school, DS stormed out after a teacher was telling him off. He flung a door open and broke a glass pane in it. He was put in SRU for 2 days. I am supposed to be informed of this. Also received a bill for the damage this morning. I think they should have rung me. I tried to call on Friday when DS told me about the incident but the teacher was unavailable. Any thoughts please?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/03/2012 14:27

Yes I'm surprised they didn't ring you to tell you they were excluding him.

How else are you supposed to deal with these things?

Was there no other member of staff available to speak to you?

mummymeister · 17/03/2012 14:27

yes, you absolutely should have been called about this especially if htey are sending you a bill. is this normal behaviour from your DS or out of the ordinary.

keepingupwiththejoneses · 17/03/2012 14:29

Legally you should be informed in writing about both incidents. I would speak to the head of year or the head of department for the teacher in question, just out of decency they should have phoned to let you know it had happened and then sent the letter out, but by law they only have to send a letter to you by post not via the child.

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 17/03/2012 14:34

Worra - I rang to speak to the member of staff involved. Exclusion has been discussed with DS by teacher but not with me. Joneses - I thought this was the case. Mummy - Funny how they can send a bill but not a letter!

OP posts:
Original poster
CrystalMaize · 17/03/2012 14:35

DS has anger problems but has never done this at school before - only at home.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 17/03/2012 14:36

You need to question their policy on exclusion. I've never known a circumstance where parents weren't told immediately.

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 17/03/2012 14:41

He has been in SRU before and I was told. I am concerned now that they are looking at permanent exclusion and are delaying telling me while they make a decision. He has been in trouble a lot, but not like this. Am I being paranoid, or do you think it could just be an oversight?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/03/2012 14:45

Even if they are looking at permanent exlusion, that doesn't excuse them for not informing you about this straight away.

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 17/03/2012 14:47

Good point Worra

OP posts:
Original poster
CrystalMaize · 17/03/2012 14:47

Frustrating not being able to call till Monday!

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 17/03/2012 14:51

I just don't know how a decent solution to a child's problems can ever be found if there isn't a little teamwork going on between parents and other adults who have responsibility.

Crystal YANBU, how can you help your child if you don't know all the facts? How can the school help him if they don't have your support at home? I feel for you.

However, your support and love for your son will serve him very well as an adult and will be more far reaching for him throughout his life than the authority which is letting him down at present. My DH was a nightmare at school, angry all the time, constantly in trouble. He is a good man now, with a great career (and awards in his field too), with great relationships and a loving family... all of that was down to his mum simply loving him and supporting him.

Sorry, tangent slightly! There is no excuse for them excluding YOU from proceedings, none at all. Good luck. x

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 17/03/2012 15:13

Thanks Aldi - he certainly has my love and support. Think I will be kicking arse on Monday!

OP posts:
baskingseals · 17/03/2012 15:36

you go girl thats not right go kick their butt!

keepingupwiththejoneses · 17/03/2012 17:44

crystal there is a legal procedure they must follow. They can not just permanently exclude without serious justification and it must also be agreed by the governors. Firstly would be a fixed term exclusion, and more than one. Many school have a thing about phoning parents and asking for them to come and collect their children with no official exclusion, they will try and tell them it is in the best interests of the child, it is not. Does your ds have an IEP or behavioural plan? If the school know he has behavioural issues, even if he has never shown them in school, then he should have. Now his behavioural issues are showing up in two settings then the local paediatric team should now accept a referral if they haven't already. Really do not worry about ds getting excluded, they will not go on his permanent record whatever anyone might tell you, they in fact are proof for you, if you ever need it that school can not cope and are not doing enough to help him.
I work supporting parent within education and it amazing how many schools either routinely break education law or actually don't know it.

seeker · 17/03/2012 17:48

Absolutely. You go and kick ass because the school is disciplining your child.HmmYes, they should have told you- but he shouldn't have smashed the door!

AnyoneforTurps · 17/03/2012 18:35

You don't have to pay for the damage either. Your son was in their charge at the time.

cricketballs · 17/03/2012 19:00

Turps - where is the money going to come from to pay for it if not the parent?

A school does not have limitless funds and I have often found that when a student thinks their parents will be presented with a bill then they soon think otherwise about what they ate doing

Original poster
CrystalMaize · 18/03/2012 13:41

I feel that it is completely correct that I should pay the bill. It's coming out of DS's pocket money!

OP posts:
teacherwith2kids · 18/03/2012 13:54

The school should have let you know.

When you go in, rather than 'I'm going to kick ass', the message needs to be

  • I understand his behaviour was unacceptable.
  • I agree that he should pay for the door.
  • I have no objections to him being put in the SRU, if that is the next step in your behaviour management policy and his behaviour justified it.
BUT
  • The school should have let you know.

In other words, be really clear about where you agree with the school, and where the problem is. If you are just 'I'm here to kick ass' about EVERYTHING then the school isn't likely to address the real problem, which is the lack of communication.

If I were you, I would also be requesting a follow-up meeting (or preferably a series of meetings) where you review your son's behaviour with the school and decide how you move forward as a team.

Dustinthewind · 18/03/2012 14:14

Usually a letter gets posted to you, as well as a phone call to tell you what has happened.

Dustinthewind · 18/03/2012 14:15

And what teacherwith2kids said. Smile

LoopyLoopsIsTentativelyBack · 18/03/2012 14:23

Exactly as teacherwith2kids said. He did wrong, paying and 2 days in the unit are perfectly reasonable. I'm not in the slightest surprised you couldn't speak to the teacher, we do have classes to teach. I expect you will get the letter or phone call in due course. Our school calls the day before the place in the unit is available - this may or may not be the day after the incident.

HandMadeTail · 18/03/2012 14:24

Absolutely what teacherwith2kids said. You need to work with the school. The school is likely to have experience of parents who do not work with the school. They will probably be delighted that you are not such a parent.

noblegiraffe · 18/03/2012 14:24

Are you sure that they didn't try to phone you and couldn't get in touch? The amount of parents I've had difficulty in pinning down....

I agree, don't go in moaning about the phone call, that is just distracting from the more pressing issue of your DS's behaviour. Query it, for sure, but don't go in 'kicking ass' about it.

HandMadeTail · 18/03/2012 14:25

BTW, I'm not a teacher!

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