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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we take responsibility for our own family.

53 replies

Thelastone · 17/03/2012 10:04

Not just our children.
The state should only step in when necessary as they do with children.
The elderly and infirm should live with their families and daycare available for families who's members all work if the person concerned needs constant supervision.
There is no way I would put my gran in a home.
She has four children and eight adult grandchildren.
Why should we all not all contribute finacially and/or physically if our grandmother can not provide for herself?
Five of us do not work so are claiming benefits.

OP posts:
Thistledew · 17/03/2012 12:40

My Grandfather insisted on going into a care home. We tried to persuade him that he and we could afford to pay for someone to cook and clean for him on a daily basis so that he could stay in his own home surrounded by his friends, but he wasn't having it. Am in dereliction of my duties by failing to kidnap him from the home and hold him hostage to prevent him returning?

Even though he had friends around he was just lonely not living with someone permanently after his partner died, and wasn't used to or happy with looking after himself.

Floggingmolly · 17/03/2012 12:45

I wouldn't pat yourself on the back so readily for "contributing financially" when the origin of the money is from the benefit system Confused do you really not see the irony in that?

theincredibequeenofwands · 17/03/2012 12:45

Care homes are inspected and regulated the same ways as school!!

Heswall · 17/03/2012 12:49

People tend to do their best for as long as they can in most cases.
I would feel awful about putting anyone in a home at all and would visit daily to ensure their well being.

I do think distance is a crap excuse, if you have a pensioner who is not working and they need their family then they must move to where that family is.

suburbophobe · 17/03/2012 12:54

Four of the five in my family actively choose not to work.

They support themselves financially then I presume?

Your scenario of everyone living together and supporting each other sounds like something out of a byegone age....

AvocadoAndFitch · 17/03/2012 12:55

YY free up the states money that they are spending on the old dears, so you can have more, hey.
Biscuit

hathorinareddress · 17/03/2012 12:56

So I have no relationship worth a damn with my parents because that is better for my mental health.

Under your proposed pile of shit scheme I would be forced to care for them as the only adult child who lives in the country.

Also, I would be forced to care for my brother who it would be a cold day in hell if I ever see him again

Great. That notion just fills me with delight.

TheQuietCricket · 17/03/2012 12:58

Lordy, has the MN average intelligence level has dropped recently, why so many ill-thought through opening posts ?

The level of detail you provide about your family's particular circumstances makes me think of someone lighting a blue touch paper and standing back to watch the fireworks. (Troll ?)

lesley33 · 17/03/2012 13:03

In spite of some obviously inflammatory statements in your post, yes I agree families should look after their elderly. But when I think about the actual people I know who are/have been in care homes, the situation is usually more complex.

  1. Elderly man I know locally went into care home after a stroke. His only relative is an elderly sister who isn't physically able to care for him.
  1. Friend whose mum is in a care home - her mum was extremely physically abusive to all the kids and none of them will have anything to do with her except my friend. But she certainly doesn't feel she owes her mum a home and being looked after and still finds her very difficult to spend any time with.
  1. Another friend whose family looked after their mum until her dementia got too bad. By the time she went into a home she was wandering at night a lot, didn't know who they were anymore and was very difficult to deal with. The family felt that they were struggling to care for her at great personal sacrifice, but as she didn't even know who they were anymore, they no longer believed this sacrifice was worth it.

etc, etc. Things are usually more complex than they appear on the surface. And most people in care homes who have families are in the later stages of dementia.

worzelswife · 17/03/2012 13:03

You say the elderly and infirm. Are you including adult disabled people when you say 'infirm?'

3littlefrogs · 17/03/2012 13:08

Well - good for you OP.

Thats all fine and dandy until you are faced with losing your own health and job, not being able to pay your mortgage, deal with your husband being seriously ill and unable to work, and having 2 sets of grandparents in varying stages of dementia, incontinence and needing to be watched 24/7 because of wandering, flooding their homes, leaving the gas on, leaving the hotplates switched on, etc.

Totally unreasonable to expect any help from anyone...........Hmm

Columbia999 · 17/03/2012 13:14

What they all said ^^

bigbluebus · 17/03/2012 13:16

I would love to be able to take care of my ageing parents - but they live 75 miles away and I already care for my severely disabled 17 year old daughter and my 15 year old son with ASD. One of my brothers has 3 children and does 2 jobs (working about 60 hrs a week) just to keep a roof over their heads. He also lives 70 miles from my parents (and about 50 miles from me). My other brother lives about 200 miles away, so is no use on a day to day basis.
It is a constant worry for me as my parents are both in their mid 80's & I feel guilty about not being able to help them - but they won't move near me either - I have tried to persuade them but they have lived where they are for 50 years and are too old to want to be bothered with moving house!
So OP, it is not always possible to take care of your own family - even if you want to.

ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 17/03/2012 13:48

Dave, is that you?

Tw1gl3t · 17/03/2012 13:57

We are two only children who have two sets of divorced parents who can't stand each other. MIL still works and lives over 120 miles away., so no childcare there. My mother and father both live in seperate counties both 200 miles away from me, they are both over 80 and I wouldn't trust my mother to look after a hamster let alone my child. My father has never even seen my son, and is estranged from us. They chose to live where they do. They moved away from my home town when they retired. I have a three year old and work. I have no car and cannot afford to either drive or get trains.
OP, please explain how we are supposed to achieve your impossible dream? Biscuit

Avenged · 17/03/2012 13:58

Some the cases against this are:

  1. Some people have suffered years abuse from their parents and cannot forgive them for the abuse. Do you think they should be forced to sacrifice their MH to look after their parents? I certainly don't.
  2. Some people live miles away having moved for a better job to keep a roof over their heads. Do you think they should be forced to move back to look after their parents and possibly lose their house? I don't.
  3. Some people are not mentally/emotionally cut out to look after elderly parents with alzheimers or other forms of dementia. Do you think they should be putting their MH on the line to look after them? I don't.

As much as I think you should try to look after your parents as long as possible in their own home, sometimes the parents needs become too great for Joe Average to cope with and the parents' needs are better met in a residential/nursing/EMI care home or sheltered housing, and that all depends on what the needs are and how severe they are.

Avenged · 17/03/2012 14:01

Sorry folks, too many ands in my post. Need to write more carefully instead of rushing it.

Bobyan · 17/03/2012 14:09

Ericnorseman can you teach me to whistle?

HorribleDay · 17/03/2012 14:14

You have NO fucking idea. None. People do not just dump relatives in care homes. They go there because they often need NURSING care, which is difficult to provide at home. We did not dump my FiL in a hospice (where, incidentally, I am sat today watching home die) and we won't be dumping my nan, who has major dementia, in one either. When she needs the care and supervision, she'll go.

You have no fucking idea and have made me really angry with the tone of your post.

HorribleDay · 17/03/2012 14:15

Him - not home

Bobyan · 17/03/2012 14:18

Horribleday don't let someone talking out of their arse upset you.

HorribleDay · 17/03/2012 14:26

Yeah they really are. I know no one who put relatives in a home or care facility for fun, or without a lot of heartache.

Wonder if OP will be back.

ellybett · 17/03/2012 14:31

I wouldn't wish my family's situation on my worst enemy but your generalistic, naive, smug post has made me see red. How dare you presume to know the circumstances of those families with loved ones in care homes.

My 'young' dm is in a care home due to early onset alzheimers. My fit and healthy df cared for her at home until she was unable to feed, wash, communicate, the list goes on. If he had cared for her much longer he was heading for a heart attack. Financially, emotionally, mentally he was able to care for her but in the end the medical authorities decided she had to be in care.

That you have the arrogance OP to come on a forum and post this away astounds me.

Goawaybob · 17/03/2012 14:51

My prize for the most ill thought out thread goes to the OP! It is a blatant wind-up.

Moominsarescary · 17/03/2012 14:57

Op have you ever looked after someone with dementia?

You have no idea what your talking about