To want my child to be treated the same?!

[stinkybumsmum]

I'll apologise now its gonna be a long thread, got a lot of venting to do! I live next door to my sister and her two lovely boys and next door but one to my mum (close I know!!). I have one boy nearly 2 years old now and can't help but feel my family don't treat my little boy the same as my sisters two. My sis got pregnant at 17 and moved in with her partner very soon after. She wasn't living next door at this point. My mum and I were always round asking how she was how she was coping with pregnancy etc. My mum was at the birth and stayed with her for a week to 'help'. All I heard from her for ages was how good a mother my sister was and I never doubted that. When my sister had another little boy 2 years on (still not next door) again my mum and I there as much as possible. But when I got pregnant I got the feeling of 'been there done that' from my mum. She was there for my birth but didn't come round for a week even though she was 2 doors away. Then when my mum bought the house inbetween us to rent to my sister things got worse. I was excited to have my nephews living next door because I love them to bits and got to see them grow on a daily basis. But my mum would be taking the kids here there and everywhere but not even glance in on me. When my sisters kids were 2 and 4 my mum and stepdad took them on holiday just over the weekend but she still hasn't even taken my baby out for the day! It eats me up inside because I really feel I should say something but worry if I do I'll upset everyone and strain all our relationships. But I also feel I'm being punished for choosing to have a baby when my partner and I were ready and not getting caught out so young. I have always been the responcible one while my sister is a bit hippy dippy. Shes a awesome mother but a bit of a crappy person if that makes sense? I really don't want to fall out with my family but even right now I can hear my mum laughing a playing with my sisters youngest while she hasn't stepped foot through my door in a bloody fortnight. Am I being unreasonable to ask when my mum takes my nephews out and spends £100 or so on new clothes and toys that she do the same for my boy or when she spends a whole day doing craft and going to the park she do the same for my boy? I feel so bitter somethimes and I have to admit I'm jelous of the attention my sister and her kids get and have to question if there is something not so interesting about me and my baby. Huff puff so frustrated :(

Can't follow what you are saying, can you re post in paragraphs.

Hi Stinky - is your sister single?

it could just be that your mum thinks that as you are more responsible you don't need looking after as much?

I think she's being unfair about the treatment of her grandchildren though so don't blame you for being put out and jealous.

How old are all the kids? Is your boy much younger? Do you have any other siblings or is it just you and your sister?

however all in all, i do not think yabu

I don't think YABU from what you've said, that would make me sad too.

I can't follow either, sorry. You feel your mum favours your sister's family?

I would definitely raise it with your mum. Maybe she thinks you don't want her round as much?

Easier said than done, but let it go.

I would have hated to have my mum constantly taking my children here there & everywhere tbh-although I do think that that makes me pretty odd.

But it also meant that I didn´t feel that I owed them anything.

It sounds as if your mum thinks that your sister can´t/doesn´t cope-would you really want that?

Is your sister younger than you?

I think you need to talk to your mum or you are going to feel really resentful

Totally not fair however I can see this happening with sister has her children.

Maybe bring up with your mum how you feel your sister children get to spend so much more time with her that your boy is being left out and will not have such a great bond? and that as he gets older he will really notice that nanny/granny profers X and X

It sounds like our mum has fallen into the habit of helping your sister and leaving you to be more independent. And the more time she spends with your DNs the easier it is for her to look after them.

If she hasn't been in your house for a fortnight it suggests you haven't invited her either? I do this with my mum too sometimes - stubbornly don't suggest anythng to her to see if she will ever proactively invite us round or pop round to see us [in my case she is very happy to spend time with us but completely lacks proactivity and doesn't suggest eg taking the baby for a walk, I have to ask]. Anyway, that is cutting off my nose to spite my face. If I was you I would actively cultivate a relationship between your mum and your DC - ask her to take him to a specific activity once a week, or to have him for saturday morning every other week etc. It would be a good start.

Sounds like your Mum doesn't believe your sister is all that great a Mum, if she feels the need to constantly check up on her?

Sounds like an awful situation for you.

How old is your child?

Can you not try suggesting that you all do something together?

Do you invite your Mum round?

Does your sister welcome your Mum's company more than you?

I suspect your mum thinks your sister won't cope without her, while you are doing great and she doesn't ant to interfere.

I'd also suspect she doesn't have a clue how your are feeling.

YANBU to feel like tht, but talk it out and make her aware.

Wow didn't expect so many replies so soon thank you so much :)
my sister is a year older than me her boys are now 3 and 5 and my angel pie is 2 in june. My sis split from her other half a couple of month ago while me and my partner have been togther nearly 7 years.
But if I'm honest I don't think its that she can't cope cause like I said she is an awesome mother I just think she can't be arsed?! Maybe?!
If my mum offered to take my little man out I'd go too because I love spending time with him.
Sorry the original thread wasn't very readable but it just kinda poured out.
I just wan't to say it feels so good knowing I have somewhere to spill my beans and get an honest reply thank you all. (Sooooooo mushy right now lol)
Also last year my mum sent my sis a text saying how great she is as a mother but I got nothing (OMG I think thats a tear :( )

Also we come from a really big family so everyones front door is always unlocked to walk in whenever you want. I honesly don't think anyone in our family formally invites anyone

In that case, every time you hear your Mum next door with your sister, get round there and park your bum on the sofa.

if you are responsible and coping then maybe your mother sees no need to be there. does your sister let her get on with it and step back? i'm thinking maybe your mother gets to step in and almost 'parent' your sisters kids which can be easier for grandparents. either way, you should chat to your mum. ask her to babysit one day and have a day to yourself.

Your angel pie? Have you taken a wrong turning somewhere along the Super Highway?

Seriously though, it must be difficult to feel you are being treated differently. I'd do what Exit suggests (given that you have an open door policy in your family) and park your own arse on your sister's sofa. No need to do it with "attitude", just a cheery smile and a hello. It may be that they actually don't realise you are feeling left out.

ahem - I said bum, not arse.

I'm going to throw a spanner in the works I think - only because there must be a reason for this. Your Mum sounds like a loving caring Grand/parent, at least to your sister, so it must be something else.

Are you sure you haven't ever come across as a bit 'holier than thou' around your sister, you know, maybe resentful and judgmental of some of the decisions she has made? Maybe your Mum wants you to think your sis is coping really well and helps her so much in order to present that kind of vibe? Maybe your sis feels a bit like you have it all - loving partner, happy life whilst she struggles, albeit with your Mum's help.

I speak somewhat from experience as my sister has a much bigger family than mine and recently I feel as though I never see my Mum either - she's 'popping to x's to help' or she's 'got all x's ironing they're snowed under' or 'having x's youngest 2 to stay to give them a break'

I feel jealous as I don't get anywhere near as much time with my Mum as I'd like and I know it comes across to her as a bit bitchy and petty sometimes. x

I do ask myself sometimes if it is because I'm coping but so is my sister. I really can't stress how good a mum she is. Her boys are really smart really polite and just lovely.
Even as we were growing up she was helped with everything and I was left to figure it out. I sound like I'm boasting a bit but I'm the only one with my head screwed on.
I'm the youngest of three my brother didn't finish secondary school and almost killed a woman when he crashed into her car then fled the scene (He was punished, not as harshly as I thought he should have been but still) my sister quit college after 3 month cause she 'didn't like her tutor'. Neither have worked for 6 years where as I have worked from 14 and planned my pregnancy.
But I don't see whey that would stop my mum from spending time with me and my boy?

Maybe this is the problem....,,,"If my mum offered to take my little man out I'd go too because I love spending time with him."

You can't say she doesn't spend time with him if you are always there as well, can you?

on one hand you say she is a great mum but on the other you say she's not a great person. if you are 'the only one with your head screwed on' your mother may not think you need the help. equally maybe your disdain for you siblings shows.

Sorry everyone I'm gonna have to go little man has woken from his slumby and is not impressed that mummy is playing with the keyboard and he isn't lol. I promise to read all the comments either tonight or tomorrow when his majesty is sleeping again. And he's my angel pie no matter how silly that may sound lol. Thank you all again xxx

I think you have a lot to unravel here in your own mind.

Firstly you seem resentful of your sister and her life - she's fallen into having children and a house with no planning or effort, whereas you have worked for it. I think you need, at some point, to shrug your shoulders and say 'well that's how it is' and really mean it. I can see how it's frustrating, but there is nothing that can change it, and it's certainly not your mum's fault.

Secondly you feel left out and undervalued by your mother. It could be the case that your mother has spent so long thinking of you as the 'good' one and your sister as the 'helpless' one that she has these pigeonholes in her head and can't see past them. This can be helped. You need to talk to her about how that makes you feel. Tell her you appreciate her trust in you, but that you'd love it if she would spend more time with her third grandchild. Say that you are feeling a bit rejected. Don't make her answer right away, she might need time to think about it. This is not your sister's fault.

Thirdly, I wonder how your sister feels in this. Does she appreciate being put into the 'helpless' category? Maybe she feels jealous of you and your relationship with your mum, being seen as competent. You could try and talk to her about it, it might bring you closer.

While it could seem pretty unfair, looking at it from another perspective your sister sounds quite enmeshed with your mum. To put it another way, it sounds as though she's still the 'baby' to your mother, even though she has babies of her own. While that might look like something to envy from the outside it could have all sorts of downsides - being more dependent, less confident in creating her own destiny, never having psychologically left home.

It reminds me a bit of my SILs. The eldest was very involved in helping raise the younger ones and now, in her 40s, is separated and living back with mum and dad alongside her primary aged DD. Her younger sister has been married for 20 years and seems somehow a lot more independent. She lives a lot further away and doesn't get nearly the same input from the GPs. From one POV you might say it's unfair that the older SIL gets so much more help and input from her parents, but from another POV her life seems much more difficult, as she just doesn't seem ever to have created an independent life for herself.

I wonder if something similar might be going on with you and your sister?