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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to DH trying to "manage" me regarding the housework????

36 replies

AwkwardMary · 16/03/2012 09:14

He has been working a lot more than usual...I am self employed and after a bout of rather backbreaking work ( think 14 hours a day at a laptop trying to meet deadlines) I have had a week off. I am NOT the tidyest person, rather disorganised but it is me who does the bulk of the housework.

The week off has consisted of making new curtains for the DDs and painting th walls in their room...DH did the gloss.

I wash all the clothes and laundry for all of us, all the dishes, I clean and hoover and do most of the cooking. and all of the bedtimes as DH usually goes to the gym at bedtime..I am a bit hit and miss and will leave things for days if I have a lot of work on or like now...am knackered.

We just finished redecorating the DDs bbedroom and as a result, upstairs is n a state....I have a ot of things to Ebay and give away and the kids clothes have to be put away. IN the bedlam, my wardrobe has become a mess and so our bedroom has a tonne of laundry in it.

Just now as DH was taking the DDs to school he says "Can you do the bedroom when I'm out"

and I said "No...I'll be in the shower...I'll do it when I'm ready to."

I DO NOT appreciate management when it comes to the houswork and I KNOW that the bedroom is shared so needs to be done....but who is he to tell me WHEN to do it????

He took umbrage and we had a bit of a row...which has upset me as he got angry and the DDs saw.

I am livid....I was planning to spend all day sorting things out anyway but now feel like going to bed all day (I wont of course)

He complans about baskets full of clean laundry and says "Put them away" but HE could put the fecking things away surely? I wash them why can't HE PUT THEM AWAY>??????

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 09:18

Why don't YOU go to the gym and he can do it while you're gone.

Why do you do all the stuff around the house? If you start off like that its very hard to change them later. Why would anyone start off like that!?

redskyatnight · 16/03/2012 09:20

Don't know whether you are being U or not ... because to me it's mostly down to the way it was said. DH and I will often ask the other to do a job that needs doing while we are busy doing something. And that's partly because there are occasions where one of us thinks something really needs doing but the other one hasn't registered it/has different priorities.

On the other hand if it was said in a very bossy sort of way I can understand why you are upset.

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 09:20

And apart from a bit of decorating now and then and taking the kids to school what does he do around the place.

I work from home too self employed and am sick of people thinking that i sit on my arse all day.

supernannyisace · 16/03/2012 09:22

Housework isn't your 'job'. Your job is your paid day job.

Housework is my job - as i don't go out to work, or look after young children. That is our arrangement - I organise everything and DH earns the £££. I am happy with that ( and I get loads of free time to mess about on the internet and watch tv).However, DH wouldn't tell me to clean something - ifhe was that bothered he would do it himself.

Tell him to feck off. He can sort it out when he gets back from the gym.

Winkly · 16/03/2012 09:23

Yes very hard to tell. I sometimes ask dh to Hoover the floors while I go to the supermarket (for example), so asking for something to be done isn't unreasonable in and of itself. It's about tone and general attitude to household responsibility.

Original poster
AwkwardMary · 16/03/2012 09:25

Yes he said it in a sort of "Im the boss" tone....which I hate..I DO do too much he claims he does loads but does not.

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 16/03/2012 09:25

I don't know. I just don't know. I am a SAHM and I have the same issue.

Part of me thinks that it's his home too, and he should have some say in it. Part of me thinks that he has a lot of autonomy in his work and would go nuts about someone micromanaging him so why does he do it to me?

To be honest, it was much more unbearable when my children were younger and I did all the night feeds and they were very a bit clingy and I didn't have a minute to myself. Then I felt that I worked harder than he did and if a single dish got washed then he was lucky. Now they are a bit older, I can accept that even though I'm rubbish at housework it's unfair if I don't take on the brunt of it.

BIWI · 16/03/2012 09:27

You are doing way too much. And why the fuck is he going to the gym every bedtime? Why can't he delay that by 30 minutes and help out more?

You are being a bit of a doormat, I'm afraid!

You could always say "actually, I'm a bit busy with [insert important activity], it would be better if you could do that". But don't ask him - tell him!

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 09:29

Time for a list then.

Hours you both work on average.
Hours you both spend looking after dc.
Hours spent doing housework, shopping etc.
Hours he spends at the gym and other hobbies.
Hours YOU spend doing similar.
Hours you both spend watching telly etc.

Why don't you do it now and let us see (and judge!)

OTTMummA · 16/03/2012 09:31

yes, why has he got time for the gym if there is so much house work to do?
In my house you don't get to do the fun things until a certain amount of daily duties have been done, one rule for all aswell.
YANBU.

undercoverPrincess · 16/03/2012 09:33

YANBU and you are doing too much, I have sat DH down since going back to work (part time) and insisted he picks up more household responsibility as I just can't do it all with working and a young baby under my feet all day until she's old enough for playschool.

Why does he get to go to the gym every night where is your time out?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/03/2012 09:34

I would be really peed off at the gym thing too!

YANBU at all. My DH is a bit like yours. He doesn't lift a finger around the house but if ever he does anything, such as load the dishwasher (very rarely I must add) he will start barking orders at me. He thinks because he's doing something I should be too and he disregards all the times when he's sat watching TV/out at the pub/doing his hobby/sitting at the PC whilst I'm busting a gut tidying up and doing housework

gegs73 · 16/03/2012 09:37

Tell him if he's not happy with the state of the house then you will arrange for a cleaner. You are working too, but just happen to be at home. Its fine that you do alot of it if you are happy with that. But for him to complain about what you are doing when you work too is wrong. If you mention the cleaner it might kick start him into doing abit more.

fuzzpig · 16/03/2012 09:37

What does he actually contribute to the running of the house? Apart from having a lovely body from working out all the time, of course Hmm

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 09:39

Hex. Tell him to fuck off!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/03/2012 09:40

I do PooPooInMyToes (Great username BTW!!), he is getting to realise slowly that it isn't a good move to be like that towards me

Original poster
AwkwardMary · 16/03/2012 09:41

He does the school run and most of the main shopping but I still have to top up about three times a week which means I ride to the shops and carry the shoppng on my back.

We have no car. He has three jobs which is awkward and invlves 2 night shifts..look I'm defending the tosspot.

He does mow the lawn....cook sometimes and do the school run.

OP posts:
Original poster
AwkwardMary · 16/03/2012 09:42

i dont mind the gym because he broke his leg before Christmas and it helps him....his memberhip is limited and bedtime is the only time he gets really....it does piss me off a bit though.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/03/2012 09:48

Surely he doesn't need to go every day though Mary? It would be fairer if he went every other night and then you could have every other night to do something of your choosing. Or could he not go an hour or so later so he can pull his weight with the bedtime routine too?

I think he's got a cheek personally; sodding off at leisure to suit him and then trying to make out you're not pulling your weight.

Original poster
AwkwardMary · 16/03/2012 09:52

He doesn't go every night....only those he's not working....about three or four a week.

I know...but what can I do? He's an actor and is in a big production so has rehearsals too....his part requires a strong bod....and the money from this production is going to pay for a car....I do think that I should get some regularl leisure time too....I feel like booking into a fecking hotel tonight...just to get away.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 16/03/2012 09:53

Yes, but op, i am sure he can spend 30 mins helping you tidy up each evening before he trots off to the gym.
Then you both have a little free time, him in the gym and you doing whatever you want.
When me and dh have a day off together or in the evening, we both make a list of what needs doing, and usually divide it between upstairs and downstairs, only 20-30 mins each on an evening, and doing it together means we don't feel like one is doing more than the other, and can relax before bed.

teanosugar · 16/03/2012 09:54

YANBU - when says DH anything like that me my stock reply is "whats stopping you doing it"

Our arrangement is that I do all the housework - therefore I will do it when I'm ready, and will do it when I feel like.

End of.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/03/2012 09:57

ooooh is he famous, Mary?

BIWI · 16/03/2012 09:57

He's hardly doing the main shop if you're having to top up three times a week! I'd knock that on the head for a start.

And you're being a bit 'AIBU by stealth' here, with all the stuff about his broken leg and his job! My heart bleeds for him.

Stand up to it and resist it. He is not your boss/father!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/03/2012 10:05

Tell him to organise the main shop properly and get it delivered so you don't have to do the top ups, or get him to pick up the top ups on his journeys home from work.