To object to DH trying to "manage" me regarding the housework????

[AwkwardMary]

He has been working a lot more than usual...I am self employed and after a bout of rather backbreaking work ( think 14 hours a day at a laptop trying to meet deadlines) I have had a week off. I am NOT the tidyest person, rather disorganised but it is me who does the bulk of the housework.

The week off has consisted of making new curtains for the DDs and painting th walls in their room...DH did the gloss.

I wash all the clothes and laundry for all of us, all the dishes, I clean and hoover and do most of the cooking. and all of the bedtimes as DH usually goes to the gym at bedtime..I am a bit hit and miss and will leave things for days if I have a lot of work on or like now...am knackered.

We just finished redecorating the DDs bbedroom and as a result, upstairs is n a state....I have a ot of things to Ebay and give away and the kids clothes have to be put away. IN the bedlam, my wardrobe has become a mess and so our bedroom has a tonne of laundry in it.

Just now as DH was taking the DDs to school he says "Can you do the bedroom when I'm out"

and I said "No...I'll be in the shower...I'll do it when I'm ready to."

I DO NOT appreciate management when it comes to the houswork and I KNOW that the bedroom is shared so needs to be done....but who is he to tell me WHEN to do it????

He took umbrage and we had a bit of a row...which has upset me as he got angry and the DDs saw.

I am livid....I was planning to spend all day sorting things out anyway but now feel like going to bed all day (I wont of course)

He complans about baskets full of clean laundry and says "Put them away" but HE could put the fecking things away surely? I wash them why can't HE PUT THEM AWAY>??????

yanbu op! i am like you i do really all the housework but if dh ever started to boss me what to do when & picking at this & that in regards to housework i would be so pissed off. i feel if its my role then leave me to it & mind your own business!
from what you said he does a bit eg shopping & school runs so i think that is all fine if you're happy with the balance but he shouldnt boss you about the housework as he's not your boss, you are your own boss so its not his place to do this

Dh does this ever so occasionally, usually when he is super stressed at work. I ignore or say ' Yes, that would be fine to speak to me like that if I was your secretary but seeing as I am your WIFE rephrase it or bog off!' It usually diffuses the situation, dh is just used to organising everyone at work and forgets sometimes that it doesn't work with me!

Men like clear instructions, so now that you're both working long hours, why don't you draw up a list of EVERYTHING that needs to be done around the house on a weekly basis and sit down with him so you can decide together who's doing what. Then - gym or no gym - he can decide for himself when he can fit in his share, and you'll probably feel a lot less narky.

Hmm, I'm not sure what to say about this, because I would hate to be told what to do or have DH make suggestions, but on the other hand, I used to either tell him or leave lists of jobs I wanted him to do, at his request. Obviously I wouldn't say how he should do it, as he cleans in a very different way from me, or which order, as long as everything got done. DH works away now and is only back at weekends, so I do a lot more, obviously. It really annoys me on the very rare occasion I see him doing a job I hadn't got around to, such as cleaning the t.v. screen.

This thread is really really stupid in the fact that he didn't manage you in any way or tell you to do anything. You quoted him saying 'can you' it is a simple question, a request if you will and you said no.

Thats pretty much it.

DH: Put away the washing
You: Look dear, I'm right in the middle of doing homework/cooking dinner/washing floors - could you put away the washing instead and I'll finish here, or would you prefer to swop?
DH: It's YOUR job
You: Well, I washed and dried them, and right now I am doing other jobs, and actually we all have to share the household chores - but if you insist that I need to put away MY washing, I can make sure that I look after MINE and will leave you to sort your own in future.
DH: Grrrrrr [slams door as he leaves in a huff for gym]

OK maybe not entirely diplomatic, but does he realise that you have a lot to do too?

'Our arrangement is that I do all the housework - therefore I will do it when I'm ready, and will do it when I feel like.

End of.'

So, teanosugar, if DH said, 'our arrangement is that I earn all the money, therefore I will do it when I'm ready, and will do it when I feel like. End of.' would you not think he wasn't quite keeping up his end of the bargain? Isn't the deal that everyone, whatever their responsibility, tries to do it well? Anything else is just pisstaking, isn't it?

I'd ask my husband to tidy up if he'd left a mess, and he'd do the same to me. Rarely happens, because we're both neat freaks. Or it might go along the lines, 'Those papers have been on the side for a couple of days. I'm just going to put them in the intray in the admin cupboard.' That would generally prompt the person who had left the papers to deal with it.

maraisfrance it's not comparible....his wages are for food and a roof....her tidying etc is for general comfort and as HER job he CANNOT tell her how or when to do the various parts of it...no more than she can say "Did you send that email to the manager of x company yet???"

ffs

errr...yes, completely comparable. Maternal/paternal childcare isn't paid work, and for the hours when one parent is in sole charge, it's their responsibility. Is it acceptable to say, 'do it when I feel like it, my job, blah, blah.' Don't think so. Equally, if the wage earner decides that, you know, he/she doesn't feel like working that day, will piss about and not do the job to standard and who cares about the impact on the family if their job is threatened, not very responsible or fair is it? And why is only waged work valued? 'his wages are for food and a roof..her tidying etc is for general comfort' - can't you see how the domestic work is unvalued in that statement?

If the agreement in a household is that one person does the housework, keeps it all tidy and clean and the show on the road - and then they don't do that, and the place is a tip, then it is reasonable for others in the household to ask that person not to welsh on the deal. Not to specify exactly how it should be done, but yeah, it should get done.

Anyway, just off to put the laundry away, so the place is tidy and welcoming for when my husband comes home. I'm in first tonight, see - last night, he had the place all shipshape for when I came home from work. We each value the paid and unpaid work we do for the family.

FFS. GSOO. SOIAS. YSC.

maraisfrance - not sure why you're getting your knickers in so much of a twist over my posting.

The point I was trying to get across is that I will do the ironing on the day I feel like doing the ironing and not when DH think the pile is too big. I will clean the windows on a day when I feel like cleaning them, not on the day DH says they need cleaning.

I gave up full time employment just because I wanted to because I could from a financial point of view.

Whilst discussing this with my DH, (because we are partners and thats what partners do, discuss things, support each other etc.) it was agreed that I would support him by doing the housework, gardening and admin.

DH does all the cooking, (even washes up) because he like it.

I do all the DIY, because I like it.

I do housework everyday and my house is neat and tidy, thank you.

BTW - has your keyboard stopped working that the vowels aren't on the last line?

YST

I am the lazy one in my marriage but DH would never dream of ordering me around. If it was getting out of control, he might say, "it makes me sad when you leave all the mess for me" but he wouldn't dream of doing that if I had spent all week painting, decorating and sorting stuff to sell. He would get on and do the tidying.