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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not even want to speak to my friend again

104 replies

busyboysmum · 15/03/2012 15:42

I am really cross about this, am I overreacting?

I have a friend who has a little boy a year younger than my middle son who is now 7. When he was a baby they didn't have a lot of money and I lent her all my bags of baby clothes from my 2 boys - all lovely stuff Next and John Lewis & M&S, all well looked after much of it hardly worn, on a loan basis as was hoping to persuade dh for one more.

She returned the bags to me with thanks once he had grown out of them and they went back in the loft with my dreams... and reader, I have just had my 3rd little son oh the joy!

Anyway my little fella is now into his 3-6 clothes so got the bag out of the loft and every single item of clothing in it is ruined - yellow milk stains all over everything, many items not washed with 5 year old food on. There were some beautiful things in there and not one item is unaffected.

I haven't actually heard much from this friend since I told her I was pregnant and now I am wondering if this is why - I have gone through my other carefully stored bags and all the clothes are the same. I am fuming and really upset. If she had told me, I could have maybe salvaged some at the time, think it is too late now and they will all have to go in the bin.

Aaaaargh - I think this is bang out of order, what do you all think?

OP posts:

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 15/03/2012 19:10

Mine were both breastfed and the clothes of ds's that I've dug out for the imminent arrival of dc3 have definate yellow stains that weren't there when they were packed away (freshly laundered I might add). These clothes are 7 years old though OP, so you're lucky they've not gone damp or had moths at them tbh.

thebody · 15/03/2012 19:15

Eew understand you angry, of course she should have washed them, that's just a given but is it worth falling out over?

My lovely sil is a bit of a dirty mare and her kids are always in riffy clothes but it's just her.

Take deep breath and chalk up to experience.

upahill · 15/03/2012 19:22

I have said before on threads that I never ever lend anything unless I am happy not to get it back. I always assume the worst.

In this case I would have not lent the clothes that I had intended to use again.
Once I got them back it would have been a bonus and then I would have gone through them. Just to check everything was alright.

If you had done that it may have been easier to clean then or if need be chuck them then.

pinktrees · 15/03/2012 19:22

I think it was reasonable of you to expect the clothes to be returned clean.

However, people do have wildly differing standards re laundry and they might have met her definition of clean.

Not only that, if you wash baby clothes in a really mild detergent, it can fail to get stains out and I can imagine that there would still be yellow marks. As soon as my youngest was about 1, I started washing everything in biological detergent so that it would be properly clean.

Regardless, I would have checked on the clothes before packing them away.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but if this is the only problem with your friend, I would put it in the past.

anonacfr · 15/03/2012 19:52

I don't get how the consensus seems to be you're being unreasonable.
The least she could have said was that some of the stains were a bit stubborn.

And what's wrong with recycling baby clothes? I've used some for my 3 children and they look fine. I've had some lent to me by my sister, my mother has passed on stuff that we used to wear as babies, I have a newborn cardie that my father wore as an infant.
All fine and perfectly re-usable.

OriginalJamie · 15/03/2012 19:54

Me neither anon.

I must have more thoughtful friends than the average person

OriginalJamie · 15/03/2012 19:54

wow that sounded wanky

COCKadoodledooo · 15/03/2012 20:54

Are you absolutely certain that 5 years ago she didn't say that there may be some stains? Really? You can be that sure? If they were that special to you why on earth would you not have checked them before putting them away?

YAB a bit precious.

MadameChinLegs · 15/03/2012 20:59

I dont imagine the OP wanted the clothes back in mint condition, just clean, which is not hard to ask and is certainly the polite thing to do. However, it may have been wise, OP to have a rifle through the stuff as soon as it was returned to see if it needed a wash. If you'd noticed the state of them then, it may have been OK to mention to the person you lent them to. I do think it's too late for that now.

I hate 'loaned' baby clothes. My aunt has given me a selection of things she dressed her son in, and a couple of blankets, on loan (I didn't request the, she just brought them round) and I havent took them out of the bag as I can't bear the thought that I may ruin or damage them. I'm all for hand me downs and charity shop finds, but as long as they are 'for keeps' or for passing on or back if in a condition to.

Original poster

busyboysmum · 15/03/2012 21:10

TBH it's the last straw in a bit of a list of crappy things she has done so maybe it does seem I am overreacting. I agree I should have checked them but it just would not have occurred to me that someone would return things unwashed - if I am having a sort out of outgrown clothes I get them from the wardrobes and drawers where everything is washed, ironed and folded. And if things are badly stained I would chuck them out.

I just assumed that everyone was the same - obviously not!

Anyway, I have plenty of great female friends and haven't really seen her a lot since I was made redundant a couple of years ago. So it's no huge loss.

I'm not really that precious, honest, I have a network of friends and we have clothes, toys and maternity bags that we pass around (actually, now I remember, this was funny and disgusting in equal measure and I haven't told my (different) friend this as I know she would be mortified.) I was wearing a pair of maternity trousers that a good friend had put back in the maternity bag and there was something in the pocket - I put my hand in and took it out and it was a used sanitary towel! The trousers had been washed with it in the pocket so not so gross but still!!

OP posts:

MadameChinLegs · 15/03/2012 21:22

I agree, OP, I would return things clean. I loaned a ton of Maternity wear from a friend and washed and ironed the lot before returning it, even the stuff I hadn't worn, as I wanted it to go back fresh and ready for her to use again in the future.

at a used sanitary towel! That is a disgrace. I once went to a restaurant and there was one on the floor, but to put my hand in a pocket and find someone elses used sanitary towel is another thing all together.

Maybe this is a great excuse to finally cut the last of those ties?

thing1andthing2 · 16/03/2012 10:46

Definitely try napisan or oxy-action vanish in the wash with your normal detergent. Do the wash on a sunny day (if we ever get any) and hang the clothes in the full sun for as long as possible.
The bleach in the napisan plus the sun work together so that even poo stained cloth nappies come up completely white again.
Good luck OP and FWIW I think YADNBU - I would be horrified to receive dirty clothes like you have described.

hackmum · 16/03/2012 10:50

YANBU - returning them unwashed is really gross and disgusting.

On the other hand, I'm kind of surprised that you lent them to her expecting them back. I would either have given them to her in the expectation that they would get some wear and tear or just kept them because I knew I was planning a third. I do find the idea of lending baby clothes a little odd.

buttonmoon78 · 16/03/2012 10:55

I only lend clothes to people I know will wash them right (ie try to remove stains and wash lights and darks seperately etc). If things get ruined by accident then that's surely something you accept though if I have ever done that I would alwasy offer to replace. And there are some things I would never lend - even to careful friends.

I never borrow clothes now. All my babies have been sicky and unless you are uber vigilant about it all the light stuff ends up looking yellow and dingy around the neck. If someone wants to give me clothes that's great but if they want them back I say no thank you.

FWIW, mine have been ff and bf. Makes no difference to the puke. It's the baby that matters. Congratulate yourself on having non-pukey dcs

sevenbubbles · 16/03/2012 11:01

Stuff with food on it - grim, but are you sure the yellow is milk stains? I carefully washed all of dc1's clothes before storing but when I got them out 2 yrs later there were lots of yellowy stains. All came out in a hot wash though.

sausagesandmarmelade · 16/03/2012 13:27

It's hardly the OPs fault...

She did her friend a kindness in lending her the clothes...and it wasn't unreasonable to expect to get them back in a good state....carefully washed and ironed.

There are times in life when it's good to reassess friendships...and this is one of them.

But congrats on having the new baby you so badly wanted!

shewhowines · 16/03/2012 16:58

Another one who's seen yellow stains on clothes that have been put away clean and perfect. I used the non-bio washing powder for my young children - as someone suggested maybe thats the reason.

Original poster

busyboysmum · 17/03/2012 10:33

Thanks for all the suggestions, have washed and rewashed and all the yellow has come out. The caked on food has left stains but I have managed to salvage a good deal of stuff.

It has been really useful to share on here as I do think that the yellow was as everyone has suggested from long term storage - it looked so weird that what was upsetting me as well, it looked like she had taken a bottle of milk and squirted it over the whole bagful it was so random I couldn't understand it.

So thanks for all the helpful advice, much appreciated.

OP posts:

Debsbear · 17/03/2012 10:42

I'd be pretty p*** off to be honest. I make it a rule never to borrow or lend anything, esp. for my kids. I think that to never speak to her again might be an over-reaction, but I would probably say something about the state of the clothes. No harm in throwing a pile in the washing machine with half a tub of vanish, but tbh. I think I'd rather start again. Just think of the fun you can have buying all new! Try Asda - they have a cracking good sale atm!

awhistlingwoman · 17/03/2012 22:30

Yay busyboys I'm so pleased that managed to salvage most of your clothes. Completely understand why you were not keen on all those yellow stains, ick! Would have upset me too.

I think that, with your own used baby clothes, it is not only the monetary value of the clothes, but the 'sentimental value' of being able to dress your new baby in clothes that their older siblings have worn? So I'm so glad that some of them have scrubbed up well.

I really recommend Dr. Beckmann's Stain Remover for Tea, Red Wine, Fruit & Juice for baby food stains. Promise I don't work for them! Sometimes you have to leave if for slightly longer than recommended on the instructions (sometimes much longer) to get of the stain but, if you were going to bin it anyway as it was stained you've got nothing to lose if it bleaches the colour a bit!

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 17/03/2012 22:34

I think you are being unreasonable. How long do you expect clothes to last? Baby clothes aren't expensive anyway?

fionabruise · 17/03/2012 22:37

are you sure an attic rat didn't pee on them?

skybluepearl · 17/03/2012 22:41

I can wash (40 degrees) my baby boys clothes, bag them up clean and dry - yet still for some reason milk stains will appear. I always tend to have a second check through b4 i give any bags of clothes away - particulaly if they have been sat around for a while.

petitema · 17/03/2012 22:42

YABU. If you lend something, this is the risk you take, especially with clothes. I find it hard to believe they were not washed. You should have looked through the stuff when it was returned.

Haziedoll · 17/03/2012 22:46

YABU. Why on earth did you lend them to her if you wanted them back? Babies clothes do get ruined, milk, banana and butternut squash are all very difficult to remove. I also can't believe that you put them in the loft without checking the condition first.

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