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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this was really unprofessional?!

35 replies

ButteryBiscuitBase · 15/03/2012 09:38

I recently went to one of those post natal baby groups. It was lead by a health visitor and a early years practitioner. I was having a nice time and both the leaders seemed nice. However the practitioner kept referring everything back to her own children which did get quite annoying. All the other mums were first time mums so I tried not to talk about my older dc as thought it wasn't appropriate.

Then one of the mums started talking about tax credits and how she wasn't entitled, the other mums joined in too. The practitioner then said something about how it makes her sick that benefit scroungers get loads of benefits. Then she says you should not be entitled unless you have paid in. Fair enough that's her opinion but what if one of the mums had been on benefits?

She then says that people coming into this country shouldn't get anything until they have been here a year and worked a year. Again her opinion but unprofessional no? Its put me off going back. I wanted to meet other mums not getting into benefit and immigrant bashing and setting the world to rights!

She also lives locally and her dcs go to my kids school if she is unprofessional I'd be concerned she wouldn't keep things discussed in the group confidential.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/03/2012 09:40

If this is true then report her

Job done.

fussbucket · 15/03/2012 09:42

Does sound unprofessional, HVs can be a bit judgey IME but an Early Years Practioner should know not to talk about this sort of thing in this way.

DeWe · 15/03/2012 09:50

I wouldn't have an issue with referring back to own children. When I was pg with my first I liked to hear of things that had worked with real children, not something written by someone who had no experience.

When I went to antenatal with dd2 I was asked to bring in dd1 for the bfing talk so we could show bfing. Lots of the other mums thanked me for that.

URNBU about the benefits issues. Could you mention to the HV how uncomfortable it made you feel?

ButteryBiscuitBase · 15/03/2012 10:00

It wasn't even advice about her own children and experiences, just general things that seemed irrelevant.

I did think about mentioning it to the HV but she could be of the same mindset (she was out of the group when the discussion was happening)

Also she is the one who runs the baby clinic where u get your baby weighed so if I reported she would know and it would feel awkward!

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PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 10:05

Id report her. She sounds like by arse!

Threelittleducks · 15/03/2012 10:05

Yuch. I hate hvs. Actually haven't met one yet who isn't overly and loudly opinionated.
Mine thought I was clearly some type of reprobate teenage mother until my dh came downstairs with my ds1 (visiting after birth of ds2).
Her attitude changed markedly when he appeared. I sincerely hope she doesn't have anyone younger than me on her caseload. Judgemental caaah!
I went to her for help with my bad and missed Pnd (after she promised she would spot it in time - 'weathered professional you know') and walked out of the waiting room after she brought out and displayed the triplets which had the appointment before me in a proud mother-like fashion while their poor mother nipped up her own tears. She paraded them around the waiting room. Their poor mum looked exhausted and like she wanted to run away - last thing she wanted was daft health visitor drawing attention to her.
Grr!

Always fancied being a hvs, but if I ever came across her as a colleague , I might not be able to hold my tongue.

ButteryBiscuitBase · 15/03/2012 10:10

The HV actually seems ok but I have met previous ones who were very patronising (asking what country my kids dad was from, erm he's british and just happens to be black!)

Anyway maybe I'll go a few more times and see , maybe she had just eaten the daily mail for breakfast on this occasion!

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 10:20

Would you have the guts to say something to her. Something along the lines of how some people including yourself might find that kind of talk offensive and inappropriate.

Sargesaweyes · 15/03/2012 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButteryBiscuitBase · 15/03/2012 10:32

I'll see how it goes it was only my first time at the group so don't want to look like a controversial trouble maker in case they all agree with her!

I just wanted to talk to other mums about baby poo and sick and sleepness nights!

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PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 11:02

I am guessing this is a group of tin white middle class variety? What about whew someone turns up who is an immigrant or on benefits.

I understand you just want to meet people and don't want to cause a row, but i sort of think that not saying anything is condoning it.

PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 11:02

Excuse the typos!

RitaMorgan · 15/03/2012 11:05

Wow, definitely report her! So unprofessional and inappropriate.

Where is the group based? If it's in a children's centre you could report her to the manager. Or to the LA or NHS trust if she is employed by them.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 15/03/2012 11:08

Sorry but I don't believe you. This is like MN bingo.

ButteryBiscuitBase · 15/03/2012 11:08

Yeah I feel that way too and I'm usually good at speaking up about things. I don't want to spoil my ds opportunity of seeing other babies as I don't drive so hard to get to other groups.

I work in a childrens centre where all families are welcome and supported and staff aren't judgemental so it surprised me.

Small town small minds I suppose.

One of the mums seems on my wave length so might sound it out to her in a couple of weeks, safety in numbers and all that!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/03/2012 11:16

The HV actually seems ok but I have met previous ones who were very patronising (asking what country my kids dad was from, erm he's british and just happens to be black!)

What on earth is wrong with that? Confused

I take a polite interest in people around me all the time and have often asked the same question.

Sometimes the answer is "Britain but my grandparents were from...."

Sometimes the answer is "Whatever country"

It's never (to my knowledge) been met with anything other than that person appearing happy that I've taken an interest in them....they'll then often go on to ask the same questions to me.

ButteryBiscuitBase · 15/03/2012 11:22

Because she assumed that my dcs dad was from a different country to here because of their skin colour! He is from this country, he was born here and so were his parents.

I'm not one of the precious pc brigade by the way and I wasn't offended. However someone trained as a HV should know better than to ask what a childs ethnicity is in a better way!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/03/2012 11:23

If she assumed then why did she ask?

That doesn't make sense.

ButteryBiscuitBase · 15/03/2012 11:26

Ha ha ha! I'm not lying, why would I? I just use this site to get opinions on stuff as I don't have any friends with young children. I come across LOADS of people with the same opinion where I live, unfortunately its very common. I just didn't expect someone leading a baby group to voice them openly.

OP posts:
ButteryBiscuitBase · 15/03/2012 11:30

Because she wanted to know WHICH country their dad was from! She assumed he was from another country because of their skin colour. I just think its a funny way to ask.

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WorraLiberty · 15/03/2012 11:33

Ok fair enough, I won't split hairs...but asking which country, also covers this one doesn't it?

I just think people in general can't win because if they don't ask, they get accused of being stand offish (sometimes) and if they do, they risk offending people.

ButteryBiscuitBase · 15/03/2012 11:39

Honestly I wasn't offended and understand people don't always know the "correct" way of wording things. However people in certain professions should know better ways of asking IMO.

And I don't think it covers this country when she didn't ask any of the other parents whose babies were white where their kids dads were from!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/03/2012 11:41

Meh! Biscuit

Grin
ButteryBiscuitBase · 15/03/2012 11:44

Erm can't use smileys on my phone so I'll send a verbal smiley back!

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 22:26

So what is the perfect way to ask?

"Excuse me, i was just wondering, if you don't mind me asking, what is your child's ethnic history on their fathers side?"

You say you weren't offended but when people complain about others asking where they are from, when they clearly do not intend offence and are just interested and are being friendly, it screams 'chip on shoulder' to me.