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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder how I can stop being left out when in a group of three?

32 replies

IAmTheThreeInTheCrowd · 14/03/2012 13:53

I've namechanged.

All my life I have struggled in groups of 3 and am always the one left out. Always. If I'm talking to a friend at the school gates and someone comes along that they know and I don't, they start talking and I am left out. If someone I know comes along, I can guarantee they will come over to talk to me but will end up talking to the person I was originally talking to even if they don't know them.

I used to go to Zumba one night a week with two others and stopped going because I got left out. If I meet 2 other friends at say a soft play place, I will get left out.

What is the secret to not being left out? Should I immediately pounce on the person that comes over and start asking them questions and not give them a chance to talk to the other person? Walk off if a situation becomes about three rather than two and just avoid situations like that? I really need some help and advice.

OP posts:
DarrellRivers · 14/03/2012 13:57

Didn't want you to feel left out.
I have never thought about this, it is natural to welcome the new person and then engage in chat with the other two. Don't think of it as rejection of you, think of it as encompassing and engaging with a new person.
It is more scary to be the person approaching the two already chatting people surely.

GavisconJunkie · 14/03/2012 13:59

it's simple, isn't it? Sorry. Look interested in their conversation, nod & smile at the right points, join in where you can. I don't know, seems like basic social skills.

CailinDana · 14/03/2012 14:01

Don't pounce, just hang back a bit and see what they're talking about, then jump in when there's a natural break in the conversation. If they're talking in your presence then it's not going to be a private topic.

Original poster
IAmTheThreeInTheCrowd · 14/03/2012 14:02

No I mean if I'm with someone and a third comes over the other person and the third person inevitably end up leaving me out

OP posts:
laptopcomputer · 14/03/2012 14:02

When you say left out, what sort of thing do you mean is happening?

Original poster
IAmTheThreeInTheCrowd · 14/03/2012 14:04

the other two will stand together, with eye contact with each other and just have a conversation and anything I say is ignored, so they are like 2 people talking then I'm the outsider

OP posts:
CailinDana · 14/03/2012 14:09

You need to assert yourself right from the off. When the third person arrives, say hello and don't give them the opportunity to close themselves off. Failing that, find friends who aren't so rude!

Original poster
IAmTheThreeInTheCrowd · 14/03/2012 14:10

How do I assert myself from the off? Do you mean say hello but carry on with whatever I was saying?

OP posts:
Kikithecat · 14/03/2012 14:11

How about "hello, we were just talking about...." That way the conversation is not hijacked.

Rosebud05 · 14/03/2012 14:13

I know what you mean, and I don't think it's that simple.

I know for me that my ishooooos about being 'the odd one out' in my family lead me to be hyper aware of these type of situations, and over blow them in my head. I think it's likely that everyone feels 'left out' now and then, but the impact it has varies from person to person.

Try not to take it personally and, yes, as others say, initiating things (which is also something I find hard) can work wonders.

Pusheed · 14/03/2012 14:15

I am you and you are me IFSWIM. It doesn't bother me much. I don't have much small talk. After about 5 minutes I am at a lost as to what say next so I welcome a third person joining our conversation in order to take the pressure of me to make small talk.

Do you have lots to say but struggle to get people to listen?

CailinDana · 14/03/2012 14:15

Yeah, so you're talking to Ann about holidays and Barbara comes over and says hi. You say "Oh hi Barbara, we're just talking about holidays, you going anywhere this year?" Don't step back or allow them to close the circle.

Pusheed · 14/03/2012 14:16

I just read what you said about people ignoring what you are saying so scrap that question.

CailinDana · 14/03/2012 14:18

Chances are you're subconsciously checking out of the conversation and subtly sending the signal that you're finished talking. I've noticed this with groups of three, it tends to be me trying to include the other two, asking one a question then the other, rather than them keeping it going IYSWIM. Very annoying. Just participate, don't wait for them to give you permission, cos they're not going to bother.

Anonymumous · 14/03/2012 14:20

This always happens to me too. I think it's my fault rather than anyone else's though - guess I'm just not comfortable conversing with more than one person at a time. I end up wimping out and just letting the others get on with their conversation instead, while I stand there like an impotent gooseberry / total plum / lemon / some other appropriately dumb fruit.

If it really bothers you, maybe you just need to push yourself into the conversation more so it's harder to ignore you. Try saying 'Oooh, is that a bird poo on your back?' to the newcomer - that's normally enough to stop them jabbering away for a few seconds! Grin

Original poster
IAmTheThreeInTheCrowd · 14/03/2012 14:21

I find I am the type of person that gets talked over a lot. I bumped into someone I know at the local shop this morning and she just talked and talked for about 20 minutes, if I said anything she just said 'yep' and carried on. I wonder if perhaps people don't think I'm interesting

OP posts:
Debsbear · 14/03/2012 14:22

It sounds like you are lacking in self confidence. I found it extremely hard to interact with groups of people and often ended up feeling like I'm a spare part that they didn't really want around. I went to a toddler group where I got involved on the committee, one of the roles I took on was making oter people feel welcome when they arrived. This meant that no-one ever came in and sat on their own. It really built my confidence as I didn't have to speak to groups of people, just those who were alone. I'm not saying that you have to do othesame, but find a situation where you are confident and build on it from there.

Original poster
IAmTheThreeInTheCrowd · 14/03/2012 14:36

I think you're all right, I am lacking in self confidence for sure, and I think I do notice being left out more than other people would do, due to ishooos from my past

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 14/03/2012 14:44

I have a friend with very low self-esteem. It has been a bit of a wake-up call for me to realise that she interprets any change in what I'll call "conversational dynamics" as her being left out or ignored. In fact, "left out" are words that have almost mantra-like qualities since she uses them so regularly.

In truth, she is neither ignored not left out but because of issues in the past, she cannot recognise the difference between the normal ebb and flow of conversation between three people and a deliberate attempt to exclude her.

Perhaps your self-esteem problem is causing you to assume similarly, OP? Because I'm sure that not everyone you deal with would be so horrid as to try and freeze you out. I'd hate you to feel that this is entirely your problem but I do know from time spent with my friend that she starts from the premise that she'll be excluded rather than taking each situation as it comes and not allowing any sort of paranoia to creep in.

Debsbear · 14/03/2012 15:46

WHy not speak to your GP. It might sound extreme but they may well have some idea of where they will be running courses in self esteem. It might help.

ExitPursuedByABear · 14/03/2012 15:56

This happens to me in some circles. I had three other mums round for lunch one day, and they managed to sort of ignore me even though they were sat at my kitchen table Confused. They are all Alpha mums (or like to think they are) with highly competitive and successful DDs and think I just do not register on their radar IYSWIM.

Fortunately I don't give a flying fuck.

Agree you need to boost your self esteem.

JosieZ · 14/03/2012 16:07

Yes, self-esteem. Go on course or read Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your LIfe. It's a bit flowery but does work.

Original poster
IAmTheThreeInTheCrowd · 14/03/2012 16:11

I worry my kids are picking up on my low self esteem :-( My 12 year old DD was bullied for years at primary school. She's happy at high school but has found herself in a group of, yes you've guessed, 3 friends and the other 2 leave her out a lot. And a girl from her primary school keeps trying to bully her and although her friends dont' join in they don't really stick up for her.

OP posts:
Conchita · 14/03/2012 17:11

IAmTheThree, is it possible that your low self esteem is making you see your DD as a victim of bullying when maybe she isn't? My mum always encouraged me to feel like other kids were bullying, excluding me or didn't want to be around me. With hindsight it was just normal kid behaviour, or my mum assuming things. It took years for me to learn not to take things so personally. when you say a girl 'tries' to bully her it sounds like she is not allowing herself to feel bullied, in which case good for her.

Chandon · 14/03/2012 17:16

I get this.

I find the way to avoid it ask one of the others really targeted questions with a sense of urgency, like:

"How is your back now? Did you see that doctor in the end? What did he say?"

or:
" How is your DD getting on now, has she settled in?"

or:
" so what happened to your colleague, the one who had a tantrum at her boss?"

Or else I just wander off and look at the clouds.

Some people say I am aloof, others that I am chatty. It depends whether I can be bothered. To me it IS an effort. Sometimes I prefer to not bother. And often I don't care if others have a one-on-one, I don't have to be included in every conversation. :)

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