Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you have issue with a child, you don't confront her Mother in the playground?

39 replies

lottielou39 · 14/03/2012 11:36

Jesus, absolutely no playground dramas for years and two annoying issues within weeks of each other.
At my 9 year olds parents evening a fortnight ago, the teacher told me that she played nicely with other children and that whilst there were friendship problems between some of the girls, my daughter wasn't involved in it.
I know she's had the occasional fall out because she comes home and tells me, but I put it down to normal tit for tat stuff.
Yesterday I was stood outside the classroom chatting to another Mum I know quite well, when the Mother of one of my daughters friends walked up, and right in front of the woman I was chatting to, started saying that my daughter, and two other girls had been mean to her daughter, name calling etc. I was mortified and the friend I was standing next to, was clearly embarrassed by it too. We live close to each other and she has my number, so why she had to confront me face to face in front of another Mother, is beyond me.
I wouldn't mind but her daughter is often in trouble for various reasons and has SN (so might not be able to help it) and has in the past got into trouble for many and various things, including accusing my daughter of taking her bracelet (turned out it belonged to my daughter, to say I was pissed off is an understatement).
After I got home (in a fluster) I questioned my daughter who said that this girl had been calling them names, and she admitted calling this girl a name too, but it sounded very tit for tat. (and she had those real heartfelt tears kids have when they've been wrongly accused, so I believe her). Half an hour after questioning her, I got a text from this Mother saying that it was the other two girls being nasty and my daughter isn't like that when she's on her own. It seemed like she felt guilty and was back tracking. I haven't responded to the text or done anything about it yet. I'm still seething that she felt it was OK to discuss this in front of my friend, in such a public arena (so public, one of the others girls Mums heard her daughters name mentioned and walked over afterwards to ask about it).
Am I the only Mum who has a quiet, discreet word with the teacher if there's an issue? (And most of the time I don't bother cos I know a big drama one day will be resolved the following day usually.)

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 14/03/2012 11:42

I have spoken to parents of children who've been properly bullying my child.

BUT there is a way to do it and an attitude to have when doing it that gets around any offence and fall out.

Firstly I didn't assume their children were little twats. I didn't get 'angry' with the parents (even though of course I was angry my child had been upset).

I never confronted parents on the yard other than to ask if they were free for a quick chat/coffee etc., if they asked why, I'd very simply tell them I just needed a confidential talk with them...

YANBU to expect respect, even if your child has done something wrong. YANBU to expect that your child isn't called names by an adult, YANBU to expect that there may be two sides to each story.

I've been on both sides. My child has been mean at times, he's also bee the victim as well.

A lot of parents get there knickers in a twist about these issues, they get visibly angry and irrational and unreasonable. You just have to keep your cool.

Don't reply to the text, speak to the mum and BE CALM. Tell her you appreciate her upset, but that you didn't appreciate it being talked about in such a public setting, wish her well, say you're glad that she's sorting things.

If you stay calm, she'll learn the lesson.

GeekCool · 14/03/2012 11:42

Your daughter did name call though, so she wasn't wrongly accused.
I agree that yes the woman was wrong, however heat of the moment sometimes comes in to play.

Original poster
lottielou39 · 14/03/2012 11:45

did you read my original post? She called her a name after the other girl called her a name. isn't this what kids do?

OP posts:
Original poster
lottielou39 · 14/03/2012 11:47

and also, if I had a chat with every Mother in the playground who'd called my daughter a name, I'd have confronted a hell of a lot of people!

OP posts:
MadameMessy · 14/03/2012 11:47

probably wrong method, but would much rather a parent had a quiet word in my ear than going to the teacher as a first port of call.
saying that, you need to have a big talk with your dd, even if it is tit for tat stuff, not great to go on calling a sn girl names is it? think you do need to step in.

MadameMessy · 14/03/2012 11:50

op if your child called someone a name they have not been wrongly accused. just because its what kids do, doesn't mean its ok, or what id like my dd to do, think you need to think about that one.
also having a chat with someone in the play ground is not the same as confronting them?
I think you want to be told yanbu?

Al0uise · 14/03/2012 11:51

Whatever the rights and wrongs are you just need a really scathing put down.

Unfortunately my brain isn't working today but there is a whole nest of vipers to come up with some good ones.

Scathing put downs are best delivered slowly, deliberately, loud enough for lots of people to hear but not shouted.

AwkwardMary · 14/03/2012 11:51

Its out of order to approach you when you are with another parent but maybe she is he type who finds this kind of thing very hard....especially if her DD has SN...she will be protective.

I think it's ok to speak to another parent at times though.

MrsBeakman · 14/03/2012 11:53

When my daughter was picked on by another girl in year one I told the teacher about it and the teacher sorted it out. No problems since then (Y3 now.) In contrast a mum at school phoned another mum who had kicked her daughter and the daughter of the kicker spent the next few months bitching about it and making passive aggressive comments about how SOME people think their children are perfect. I would go with letting the teacher sort it out every time. People don't take kindly to their little darlings being criticised and they usually don't behave very well as a result. It sounds like in your case it was all a bit of a misunderstanding and six of one half a dozen of the other anyway. Although if there was three against one then that's probably why the mum got upset.

sue52 · 14/03/2012 11:55

It was a quiet round in the playground, it was inside the school and very public, embarrassing and upsetting for the OP.

sue52 · 14/03/2012 11:55

wasn't a quiet word Blush

MrsBeakman · 14/03/2012 11:56

Sorry that should have been "In contrast a mum at school phoned another mum of a child who had kicked her daughter and the mother of the kicker spent the next few months bitching about it and making passive aggressive comments

Original poster
lottielou39 · 14/03/2012 11:57

what pissed me off is the fact that this girl has throttled my daughter before, called her names and made things up (my daughter is always complaining that this girl makes things up, tells the teacher who tells her to sit down and stop telling tattle tales etc.). This girl has also been on behaviour report to the head teacher, so I know she's not perfect. (and despite the issues my daughter's had with her, I've never one approached her Mother in public, only spoken to the teacher)

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 14/03/2012 12:00

YANBU. It's embarrassing and counterproductive (because it's pissed you off and made you feel less amenable). Teacher should be first port of call. Or the parent, if you know them quite well, and only then in a civil and calm fashion.

sue52 · 14/03/2012 12:04

lottielou I think you should have been having the quiet word with the other mother if her daughter attacked yours. If I were you I would speak to her now and clear the air.

Annpan88 · 14/03/2012 12:04

this is one of those threads that is making me dread DS going to school.

I guess YANBU

MadameMessy · 14/03/2012 12:07

actually, if they are constantly having such problems why are they still friends? why not just tell them to keep away from each other?

MrsBeakman · 14/03/2012 12:07

Annpan. It may not be as bad as you think. My dd was picked on for 2 weeks in Y1, but other than that no problems. Now in Y3 so not too bad really.

MrsHeffley · 14/03/2012 12:09

YANBU

Girls squabble-end of.

If I had a word with every parent(1 in particular whose dd's name continuously crops up)whose child had upset my dd and vice versa I'd be getting them to form an orderly queue.

My dd continuously tells me of spats between girls.You only hear half the story which is why I think it's totally wrong to approach a parent.I was a teacher and honestly even the most innocent of children can surprise you,girls will squabble over anything and everything.

My dd put up with months of teasing a year ago re her school shoes,I refused to buy her sandals for school as they're not the uniform. Unfortunately several other girls had fashion shoes in the summer term and formed themselves a little clique in which you weren't allowed to play if you had school shoes.After weeks of this dd told the ringleader she didn't even like sandals before school one morning when subjected to the usual teasing.

Cue hysteria and floods of tears(I honestly thought said child had lost a leg).2 minutes later her mother storms up in front of her little clique and started giving me a dressing down about it then she went sobbing to the teacher when I tried to tell her the whole story.

Said mother has never spoken to me since.Seriously it was over a pair of bloody shoes. Personally I think said mother is slightly deranged but if it ever happens again I will be making a formal complaint in writing to the school as my dd and I have a right to come to school without my dd and myself being subject to inaccurate accusations in front of all and sundry.

I have boys too so it's been a steep learning curve having a ddd.I'm lucky as my dd apparently just doesn't get involved in girly squabbles and always has a happy playtime but I pity some mothers of girls. Just don't get involved,9 times out of 10 they're best friends by home time.

Op I'd mention it to the teacher so she can her a quiet word with the parent in order that it doesn't happen again. Issues in school are for school to sort out not parents.

ABatInBunkFive · 14/03/2012 12:10

Our school discourages parents from approaching parents and quite rightly it very rarely goes well, far better to have a quiet word with the teacher.

bejeezus · 14/03/2012 12:13

i also would go to the teacher, if there are issues at school. I dont think talking to another mum is an effective way of sorting it out...

BUT...there will always be parents who DO think that is a more suitable way to sort it out. You cant stop people approaching you, discreetly or indiscreetly. You have to choose whether you are going to engage with her, or deflect her back to the class teacher. If you are going to engage with her, you can now do it on your terms..

You just have to swallow the embarrassment of the school yard conversation. Its not important. You cant control how other people handle situations.

MrsHeffley · 14/03/2012 12:16

Oh and re the child I mentioned previously dd came out in floods of tears Friday due to her scratching her and not being nice about it after.

Did I collar the same mother who collared me a year ago,no I did not,it was an accident although not handled in a very nice way.

They were best friends again Monday!Confused

Proudnscary · 14/03/2012 12:20

YANBU

Parents (particularly of girls - jeez the amount of politics and nonsense that goes on between groups of girls. I thank God my dd is a tomboy and has no female friends) who don't realise or accept that it's very usually six of one, half a dozen of the other are annoying, unhelpful and deluded.

Friendlymum67 · 14/03/2012 12:20

I've experienced a very similar situation to the OP's 6 months ago - all to do with my DD's party (I did post about it then). The other mother confronted me in the playground and was very aggressive and does seem to think her daughter is an 'angel', when in reality she is a little madam! I had already been into the school at various times because of the way she behaved towards my daughter.

Long story short, my dd was with me (+friend) and was sobbing so I walked away (after trying to put my side across feebly) BUT 6 months on this evil bitch mum constantly makes comments as she walks past and tries to intimidate my dd and I with looks, cutting in front of us etc. Pathetic really, but I hate any confrontation and it really upset me. I now dread the school run most days :(

Original poster
lottielou39 · 14/03/2012 12:23

the friend I was chatting to when the other Mum approached said to me afterwards; 'gosh, I think she really wanted that conversation to be heard, she wanted me to hear that, didn't she?'.
That pisses me off.
And I'm also pissed at myself for giving my daughter a dressing down over it, just assuming this girl was telling the truth, before listening to my daughters version, which upset her greatly, because she feels that she was reacting to something which the other girl started.
Oh the unbridled joy of daughters...

OP posts: