to think that if you have issue with a child, you don't confront her Mother in the playground?

[lottielou39]

Jesus, absolutely no playground dramas for years and two annoying issues within weeks of each other.
At my 9 year olds parents evening a fortnight ago, the teacher told me that she played nicely with other children and that whilst there were friendship problems between some of the girls, my daughter wasn't involved in it.
I know she's had the occasional fall out because she comes home and tells me, but I put it down to normal tit for tat stuff.
Yesterday I was stood outside the classroom chatting to another Mum I know quite well, when the Mother of one of my daughters friends walked up, and right in front of the woman I was chatting to, started saying that my daughter, and two other girls had been mean to her daughter, name calling etc. I was mortified and the friend I was standing next to, was clearly embarrassed by it too. We live close to each other and she has my number, so why she had to confront me face to face in front of another Mother, is beyond me.
I wouldn't mind but her daughter is often in trouble for various reasons and has SN (so might not be able to help it) and has in the past got into trouble for many and various things, including accusing my daughter of taking her bracelet (turned out it belonged to my daughter, to say I was pissed off is an understatement).
After I got home (in a fluster) I questioned my daughter who said that this girl had been calling them names, and she admitted calling this girl a name too, but it sounded very tit for tat. (and she had those real heartfelt tears kids have when they've been wrongly accused, so I believe her). Half an hour after questioning her, I got a text from this Mother saying that it was the other two girls being nasty and my daughter isn't like that when she's on her own. It seemed like she felt guilty and was back tracking. I haven't responded to the text or done anything about it yet. I'm still seething that she felt it was OK to discuss this in front of my friend, in such a public arena (so public, one of the others girls Mums heard her daughters name mentioned and walked over afterwards to ask about it).
Am I the only Mum who has a quiet, discreet word with the teacher if there's an issue? (And most of the time I don't bother cos I know a big drama one day will be resolved the following day usually.)

And I'm also pissed at myself for giving my daughter a dressing down over it, just assuming this girl was telling the truth, before listening to my daughters version, which upset her greatly, because she feels that she was reacting to something which the other girl started

I think that is the crux of your anger over the situation

If the other mum did it loudly for others to hear, it says more about her, than you or your daughter.

Friendly ditto,I hate it.

Said mother has several friends who literally cut me dead overnight. Honestly it's so childish it's laughable.I also have to snigger at how angelic this mother thinks her dd is,honestly her behaviour is truely away from mummy.She's v clever at being good though when it counts.

It's like being transferred right back to your school days and the mean girls gang.I loathe all women situations for this very reason.

Thankfully my dd is a tomboy too(she has 2 brothers),can stick up for herself and doesn't dwell for long over it.Soooo wish she'd get over this girl though and move on as she's quite shallow and I just wish dd would find a kinder friend iykwim,they pick their own friends though so I just let her get on with it. They get on well most of the time and dd comes out happy most days.

Oh happy day next year when I can bundle them all through the school gate and leg it.

yeah, middle school next year and I can't bloody wait. Pull up outside school, drop kids off, drive off.....

I think the teacher should always be the first port of call and even then, only if an incident fails to blow over. Most of us find it very hard to stay calm, rational and objective where are our own DCs are concerned, as we are geared towards protecting them. If my DS were bullied, I would never approach the bully or their parents, because I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't resort to violence against them, which would make me just as bad.

I can understand why you are upset, OP, as from your point of view, you have let this woman's DD get away with a lot more than what your DD was blamed for and the woman has admitted your DD wasn't the main culprit.

Hold onto that thought Lottie.

School incidents should, imo, be dealt with at school, as the staff know what has gone on before, during and after each incident.
Mums need to trust them to deal. If they don't then go into school and talk to the staff, don't accost parents.

I've had a similar incident recently with my DD, who is 7. A girl in her class has been unpleasant towards her since they started in their current class last September. DD is pretty thick-skinned about that sort of thing and let it go over her head and ignored the girl, but on one occasion I did witness the other girl trying to push DD into the road as we walked out of school one day and her mother said nothing.

One day a couple of months ago said girl came out hysterical; she had accused DD of standing on her bag and when DD had said she wasn't the other girl had threatened to punch DD and DD had told her to go away or she would tell the teacher. this girl then panicked as it was pick up time and she knew DD would tell me, so came out in hysterics, hence lots of tutting by her mum and her mum's clique, and dirty looks at DD and I. Then some unpleasant texts from her mum later that day and the following day accusing DD of all sorts of things. Her DD is again one of those girls that is good at being good in front of the right people but is very unkind when there isn't an adult present.

I have refused to speak to the mother since then; I am not prepared to deal with someone like that. DD blanks the girl at school too. I think it's a case of like mother like daughter and I'd really rather not have any involvement with a family like that. I've also since spoken to the teacher who was aware of the situation and of it being the other girls' fault as apparently she had had 3 other complaints about this girl from other parents that week alone, and the teacher is keeping on top of it at school.

School pick ups are now interesting for me, to say the least! Lots of dirty looks and tutting and nasty comments by this mum and her cronies. Says far more about them than it does about me though.

I still have the issue of the text she sent me an hour after she spoke to me in the playground, saying she'd spoken to her dd again who had altered her story somewhat to say that it's the other two girls being nasty mostly, and my daughter is fine on her own.
To be honest, the way my daughter described the situation last night, it sounded as if they were all being catty on occasion.
It's a shame she couldn't have got to the bottom of it with her daughter before she embarrassed me in front of my friend though.

The mum sounds a bit over protective and unhinged tbh. I would speak to the teacher about it all and refuse to discuss it with the mum now. People like her can never be objective about anything where their children are concerned.

I don't think you owe her a reply when she really should apologise to you. It sounds as if her text might be hinting at an apology, but she hasn't actually apologised yet.

another problem I think, is that if you're one of those super over involved interested parents who pop in and out of school all the time for anything, the quieter ones like me, who only go in for the serious stuff, get misrepresented.

Lottie I totally agree; the mum that had a go at me is always in and out of the school, helping on school trips and having a word with the teacher.

another problem I think, is that if you're one of those super over involved interested parents who pop in and out of school all the time for anything, the quieter ones like me, who only go in for the serious stuff, get misrepresented

I reckon the teachers are far more astute than that