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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have these impulses?

44 replies

Jossysgiants · 14/03/2012 10:01

I have started more and more to fantasise about running away from my life. On the surface, everything should be perfect- I have a kind husband, I have just started a new, OK paid job 4 days a week, I have 2 pre-school daughters who are lovely and gorgeous. I am lucky, I know. Underneath it all though, my marriage is going through what feels like a permanent bad patch- constant bickering and arguments. I wonder what the future holds for the marriage. I am finding the job extremely tiring and demanding- there is a lot of travel and it is stressful. I have not worked really prior to this for over 4 years. My kids are ace, but I feel drained of energy to deal with them- the little one is extremely feisty and every small interaction becomes a cause of confrontation.

I must stress that I would never ever abandon my children. I love them desperately. But I am disturbed by the impulses I am having. I work from home, and as I turned around after dropping the girls at nursery, I was thinking to myself that it would be so easy to grab my passport, go to the airport and take off somewhere. Just disappear somewhere. Noone would notice till 6pm and then I would be long gone.

Am I the only one to have these impulses? I feel terribly guilty even to be having the impulses, even though I would never ever allow myself to act on them.

OP posts:
cheekybarsteward · 14/03/2012 10:06

I think this is most busy person's secret fantasy. I know I think about it at least three times a week.
I was just thinking this morning how easy it is for DH to walk out of the house in the morning knowing that the buck stops with me to make sure DD gets to school, meals are sorted and house is organised as well as trying to get my actual job done.
If I didn't think about jetting off to the sun I would need therapy.

lesley33 · 14/03/2012 10:16

YANBU i have had this too when life has been tough. Mine used to be going by the train station on the way to work and wanting to get off and take a train somewhere far away from where I lived.

You are having a tough time at the moment and so it is natural to want to get away from it all and have an easier time. It doesn't make you a bad mother that sometimes you want to escape from all the hard bits in your life.

I think all you can do is accept that your feelings are natural, hang on in there and try and improve things in your life. It will also help if you can try and build some fun into your life. Doing silly things with the kids, having a night out or a walk in the park at lunchtime from work. Just things so you have a little bit of escape in your everyday life from hard times.

Hope things get better for you soon.

Original poster
Jossysgiants · 14/03/2012 10:18

Thank you both.

OP posts:
exaspomum · 14/03/2012 10:26

I used to fantasise about driving off in the car and just kind of driving on and on and on.
Easier now the DCs are older. When you're so busy CONSTANTLY as you are it's easy to forget that things won't always be the way they are now.

springydaffs · 14/03/2012 10:30

Ann Tyler wrote a novel about this

NowThenWreck · 14/03/2012 10:37

Ladder of Years it was. Good book.

barsteward, why do you think that the buck stops with you r.e meals, kids etc? If you are both working, then it shoulodnt just be on your shoulders surely?

springydaffs · 14/03/2012 10:43

When I - single parent, nightmare ex - had these feelings I read a book that stopped me in my tracks. About a woman who takes off, leaving her family, and lives in a cabin in the canadian erm rockies for years and years. No outside contact from anyone, totally self-sufficient. I remember the title of that: Gaining Ground by Joan Barfoot. Changed my life a bit

DinahMoHum · 14/03/2012 10:44

i do too. When i confessed to dp he said he did too

springydaffs · 14/03/2012 10:45

^ fiction

springydaffs · 14/03/2012 10:46

I mean fiction about the Gaining Ground book, not Dinah's post. sheesh.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 14/03/2012 10:47

Some people like me spend hours looking at travel websites and planning the Great Escape to the last detail. It doesn't mean they I will ever actually go, it's just a lovely day dream.

Original poster
Jossysgiants · 14/03/2012 10:49

I remember the Anne Tyler book too. I can really understand how people do it. It would be so easy. It would just be the first step, and then after that everything would change.

springydaffs was Gaining Ground a true story or a novel? If a true story did she come back to 'civilisation'?

OP posts:
Pusheed · 14/03/2012 10:49

A few years, during a bad period in my life, I would go to work with my passport in my bag so, no you aren't the only one with those thoughts.

I won't say how much because I will get flamed for boasting and the thread will get derailed but I had £x in an easily accessible bank a/c and CCs with £y credit limit. It was enough for me to disappear at least for a while.

I never acted on those impulses but it made me feel better knowing that I had a Get Out. There is no harm in planning an 'escape' in much the same way that I think of what to do with a Lottery win (and I don't even play)

Original poster
Jossysgiants · 14/03/2012 10:50

springydaffs crossposted. Fiction I see.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 14/03/2012 11:01

People do take off though don't they? It's usually men who do it - but perhaps the statistics on that have changed, what with women being more liberated now. I knew a man who did it. Upped and left his family for months, they had no idea where he was. I think he was gone for over a year. Actually, thinking about it, I know a woman who did it too but I can't get any info out of her a veil is drawn over the whole episode, now that she's back in the bosom of her family. She was gone for about 4-5 months. No, not an affair.

MurtleTheTurtle · 14/03/2012 11:01

I don't post very often but I also feel like this sometimes. I also work from home and I think this can contribute to these feelings - I don't know about you but I feel that I have fewer outlets working from home. If I have a crappy morning with the kids playing up I don't get to have a quick moan about it with colleagues so I tend to dwell more and be less able to shake off a bad start to the day. Its then that the idea of walking away from it all becomes more appealing.

springydaffs · 14/03/2012 11:03

Have you seen that poster on here who gads about the world. Her heart got broken and she took off and has been living in amazing places doing amazing things.

I'm being a bad influence here Hmm

Original poster
Jossysgiants · 14/03/2012 11:09

murtletheturtle interesting about the working from home thing. I too find it hard to shake off a bad morning.
springydaffs I am amazed you know two people who have actually done this.

Agatha Christie did it. I recall a TV movie about it.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 14/03/2012 11:18

Working from home is a very particular thing though. If you do have a bad morning it's impossible to shake, there's no colleagues to distract you, you're basically living inside your own head and MNing. Is there a way you could work from an office a few hours a week, or at the library or coffee shop? Do you go for a walk at lunchtime, for example? And are you doing anything that's just for you?

I think a lot of us do fantasise about walking away but I do think it can be a sign that something is wrong and that means you can address it. Is it a longing for headspace, or for no responsiblity? You can have these things in small ways - go for a walk or cycle, book a day off when the kids are in nursery and just go somewhere - which might help.

Original poster
Jossysgiants · 14/03/2012 12:07

wilsonfrickett I can and do go to the office 1 day a week if I haven't been travelling a lot, but it is quite a long way away from home. I haven't been for a while, that may be part of the issue.

It's a combination of headspace, and no responsibility I think. I am an introvert, and I find I become overwhelmed. I open my eyes in the morning at 6:30 and being immediately thrust into lots of activity and having to act as chief diplomat and organiser does not come easily to me. I feel inadequate, because my impression is that other people with the same or much more onerous commitments than me cope better with the fulfilment of those commitments. My husband implies that he has this view. But for me it is like walking through treacle some days. I will go for a walk at lunch time. Fresh air is missing definitely.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 14/03/2012 12:50

Other people don't cope better you know, we all have a front that we put on - look at how many people on this thread (me included) have said they feel exactly the same way you do.

Try and find some space in the week - I also found yoga invaluable when I was just getting back to work and feeling stretched. Good luck x

Shushshessleeping · 14/03/2012 13:25

I think you need a day off. Completely. Can you talk to your husband about it? I know there's bickering but he must understand the pressure you're under.

My DH bought me a spa day when I had DS and I had the day last sat. Went on my own, I had the whole day to do what I wanted, when I wanted. If a spa day like that isn't for you, maybe you could just have a day completely to yourself doing what you like.

Maccapaccawacca · 14/03/2012 13:30

I don't wish to be a gloom-monger but when I had severe PND this was a huge part of my thinking... would sit holding the car keys and planning how far a tank of diesel would get me. Maybe you should talk to your husband or GP - as you see fit..

NowThenWreck · 14/03/2012 14:17

I open my eyes in the morning at 6:30 and being immediately thrust into lots of activity and having to act as chief diplomat and organiser does not come easily to me

Me either. That is why I refuse to engage at 6.30 a.m
Call me a selfish bitch if you will, but I have trained my 5 year old that I need calm and at least 1 cup of tea in the morning before I will enter into any interaction other than "morning!".
He gets on with playing while I shuffle around getting ready, and then I can help him find his school bag/chat about Space Travel/listen to complaints about his school friend.
Nobody jumps on my head at 6.30 am. In fact he knows not to come in my room until my alarm goes at 7.00 unless the house is on fire.
In this way I can ease into the day a bit gradually, which some people wouldn't need to do, but that is how I stay sane.

No-one does this family life thing the same exact way, and everyone has different levels of "coping". Some people can cope with a lot of one kind of stress, but not another, and thats OK.

TBH you do sound a bit depressed, and I agree that fresh air and exercise will help a bit, but if it doesnt, see a GP about how you feel.

Cherriesarelovely · 14/03/2012 14:30

Maccapaccawaccaa it was the same for me. The urge was sometimes overwhelming when I had PND. I just wanted to disappear and had this secret plan to just go to another town and become someone else and sell the Big Issue. I know that sounds ridiculous but even now, 9 years later I can remember feeling that way so clearly. Maybe you are a bit depressed OP. This is often much worse in the mornings. I used to think that once I could get through to midday I knew i would be able to do the rest of the day. Happy to say that once it passed I felt absolutely fine and have done ever since but I do understand how you feel and it is a really strange, unerving way to feel. I hope you feel better soon OP.