to have these impulses?

[Jossysgiants]

I have started more and more to fantasise about running away from my life. On the surface, everything should be perfect- I have a kind husband, I have just started a new, OK paid job 4 days a week, I have 2 pre-school daughters who are lovely and gorgeous. I am lucky, I know. Underneath it all though, my marriage is going through what feels like a permanent bad patch- constant bickering and arguments. I wonder what the future holds for the marriage. I am finding the job extremely tiring and demanding- there is a lot of travel and it is stressful. I have not worked really prior to this for over 4 years. My kids are ace, but I feel drained of energy to deal with them- the little one is extremely feisty and every small interaction becomes a cause of confrontation.

I must stress that I would never ever abandon my children. I love them desperately. But I am disturbed by the impulses I am having. I work from home, and as I turned around after dropping the girls at nursery, I was thinking to myself that it would be so easy to grab my passport, go to the airport and take off somewhere. Just disappear somewhere. Noone would notice till 6pm and then I would be long gone.

Am I the only one to have these impulses? I feel terribly guilty even to be having the impulses, even though I would never ever allow myself to act on them.

I think you sound a bit depressed tbh. If this has been going on for any length of time I would seek some help from my GP, not suggesting medication unless it's a lot worse than it sounds on here, but some form of counselling might be in order. I've never really felt like walking away from everything but often fantasise when driving home from work about not stopping at the bottom of the hill and driving straight into the wall! Don't think that's a healthy sign either.

I would say the same as Debs
Is there more to this OP? A bereavement made me feel like this for a long time.

Almost every time I get in the car I have a 'What if I just kept driving?' thought. DD is with me mostly so I guess she would be coming too, and the west coast of Scotland is very tempting...

yanbu. It can be very claustrophobic to have no time to yourself and unsurprising to have these thoughts if your brain feels that the only way to get what you need is to run away.

Is there any way for you to get that 'me' time, would you be able to join a gym, dance/yoga/pottery/creative writing class, go for long walks every day or get some time to yourself with a coffee in peace with a book? Whatever your into, anything that makes to feel relaxed and refreshed, if there is a way to get that time and space, it could be really good for your mental and physical wellbeing.

OP, I feel like this all the time. I'm a SAHM to 2 pre-schoolers. I gave up a very intellectually stimulating and time demanding career for this life, but this just feels so much harder than my career ever did.

Interesting you say you are an introvert. So am I. Did you read the article on introverts in today's Guardian? it's had me thinking all day. I was a very introverted child, and I am completely at home in my own company, doing quiet things, not talking or having to talk to other people. My absolute fantasy "escape" is to a beautiful house by the sea, with just music, books and the sound of the waves to keep me company. I would not need anyone else.

My career was in law , and I think I became quite a good actor as a result, developing the facade of a totally different (more extrovert) person to hide the real me. Very few introverts get anywhere in legal circles, ime. I believe my husband married the facade. I think I thought I had become the facade persona too.

Dead wrong. Since ending my career and becoming a mother, I've reverted back to the real me, the introvert. The trouble is, introspection does not sit well with modern motherhood. We are supposed to be constantly yakking to our children and stimulating them, we are supposed to be out there, socialising with mummies, getting play date opportunities, being with other people "for our own well being". Just wanting to be alone is confused with loneliness and depression by many.

Have children - especially demanding toddlers - has really taken its toll on me. The introvert in me is crying out for solitary silence. Toddlers, and the constant duties of looking after them and running a house, means I hardly ever get it. Only if I stay up late and catch a couple of hours to myself do I ever feel completely me, I can potter and have headspace. My husband gets exasperated with this. He's never understood my need to be alone sometimes; he finds it quite offensive, I think. I think my feelings of depression at my current life and wanting to run away are really just feelings of wanting to be alone, which I think is my "natural" state. Of course, having those feelings automatically makes me sound as if I don't love my family. Of course I do, and I want to be with them. But I also just want space to be me. I am not sure whether that's reasonable or not in my case.

Sorry for the essay.

Thats an interesting perspective gretagarbo. I think we ought to stop beating ourselves up over what a mother "ought" to be like, and try to be ourselve. As long as your children know you love them and are interested in them, it's fine, probably.
I often think I am a better "dad" than a "mum " and think if I were a man I would feel more confident in my parenting.
I am liable to forget dentist appointments and cringe about PTA meetings, but am great at kicking a football around and helping ds look up things about the solar system on the internet.
I need a lot of time alone too, which I get, being a lone parent, but I worry about what it would be like if I met a man and had to share my life with another adult. Note the "had to". Hopeless case!

oh I do love this site sometimes.

Greta, what a fabulous post - though I'm sorry things are challenging. I live alone now (after years of a very full house) and I am also unemployed (no money to get about) so it's not too difficult to get a bit of cabin fever. I must say, I do relish my days - though it's also quite a challenge too. When the kids were little I almost always stayed up late just to get some 'me' time - no obvious responsibilities - in that lovely quiet time at night: I remember once lying on the sofa upside down with my legs up the back, singing (it only happened the once..): I just do relish being completely on my own and being quiet (singing aside). Probably why the Gaining Ground novel had such an appeal.

When I was going through my divorce the impulse to GET AWAY was immense - I took up running. Another thing I do is walking - miles and miles. It's another way of getting away. Slowly.

A therapist once encouraged me to explore 'getting away' (right down to giving the kids over to their father). At first it was an appalling idea: my sense of responsiility was too strong, to renege on them seemed an impossibility. But I did consider it and it did me good to explore the idea - and ultimately to decide that I wouldn't do it because I didn't want to ie i chose to carry on being a mother, knowing that I could also choose not to.

We're not on the blarsty AIBU are we?? I usually reserve musings like that for MN's quieter corners.

gretagarbo thank you for your very thoughtful post. I just looked up the Guardian article. It was very interesting and I agree with a lot of it. We do live to an 'Extraversion Ideal'. I also have a job which requires a facade or persona. I can do it absolutely. I can put my game face on, and 'get out there'. But it feels inauthentic. And that's draining in itself.

I think springydaffs has it right- finding ways to 'get away slowly' in day to day life is the answer. I guess that will look different for everyone.

nowthenwrecks I know what you mean about feeling like being a better dad . I would be very interested to know how men's perceptions of themselves as parents differ from women- if at all.

Greta I understand your sentiments, and share them with you.

Although I am now at a different stage in my life.

Your time will come, and if you are like me you will be able to look back fondly on the times which you are now finding challenging.

Everyone's asleep, and I am a-pottering .......

Jossy I think I thread-hijacked a bit last night. But thank you for your gracious response and not minding me offloading! And thank you too for the lovely and kind responses of Springy and MissMap

I'm hesitant to say much more as this thread is in aibu (I share your reservations there, Springy). However, I do hope that you feel better today, Jossy, that you found a bit of peace and quiet and time for yourself. I went for a solitary evening walk this beautiful day (on the pretence of a trip to the supermarket - hah! - I'm becoming pretty adept at finding ways to be on my own.) That little bit of me time got me through a challenging evening. I think you and Springy are right about the little and often approach, rather than taking some massive, irreversible action that will rock everyone's world. But I will still retreat to the house by the sea in my head, if I may .

Working plus small kids, no doubt with not enough sleep, is a complete grind, with no light at the end of the tunnel at times. Working from home is doubly hard with small kids.

You need to find something that is yours only (I played sport 2 nights a week, lifeline)

I did this quiz tonight - and, yep, I am the introvert mother. I'm trying to see it in terms of strengths and struggles, to tell myself that there is no absolute right mothering style.

Sorry you are feeling overwhelmed.

I'm the independence mother, apparently. So that's knocked the introvert idea on its head.

Maybe I just needed to run away from my life?

That's a bit depressing!

What a great post! Thanks jossy, you've hit on a feeling I think most mothers definitley have at some point but no one wants to say aloud.

My sister (mother to 4 DS) once said to me that what makes a good mother is someone who fights the urge NOT walk out the door. So it's ok to have these feelings but you didn't act on them:)

I've 3 DC (4.5 and 20 mo Dtwins) so let me tell you, I've had many days where I wanted to escape as life felt like a grind. Dh (who's in a stressful corporate sales job) went through a very bad patch lately, it kind of worried me, where he just felt completely overwhelmed (he said one evening half joking/half serious that he'd 'welcome a heart attack' for the chance to rest! not funny)

I think it's very good/healthy to acknowledge these thoughts. I think it's part of motherhood

Wow mossy I just assumed all mums felt like this, I have for years and still do now my kids are teens. Like other posters yu need a bit of me time, try and get some.

Speaking as an extrovert with an introvert mother, I have found this thread very interesting. Thank you ladies for your insights.

Anna Ford has just said on Desert Island Discs that she kept a passport in her bag for a while wrt running away....