to ask how to stop developing a crush on a work collegue

[newpen]

I've n/c for this one and I did post on relationships but most of the answers were about why I should leave dp rather than how to stop thinking about other-man . AIBU to just ask for any practical tips that anyone has?

Quick scene set

I am in a LT relationship, children etc. Financialy dependant on dp.

dp can be quite controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive at times.

dp appears to lack interest in me - he will listen to me talking if I ask him to but does not reply - so no conversation in the evening etc. I still want to sit up all night changing the world, he wants to watch football and then fall asleep on the sofa. He also thinks that the Daily Mail talks a lot of sense and can come across as quite racist and intolerant - this appears to be getting worse with age.

Problem is
I met someone through work last week - I do not work with him (very different locations) but I can't stop thinking about him. We did sit up all night changing the world.

So how do I stop thinking about him? Practical suggestions welcomed please I am afraid that I will build this up in my head into something that it is not and then completely go to pieces if (and when) I do come across him (professionally) again

I have no reason to think that he feels the same way.

I included the scene setting as background - I'm not looking for an affair but do desparately just need a friend and have no one that I can talk to (as controlling partner and physically isolated home location make it difficult - I usually work from home)

If you really don't see him as a candidate for a future relationship, just imagine youself married to him.

I'm sure that your current partner can seem charming/witty/understanding/whatever when the need arises. Perhaps there are people who see him like this at work.

So just convince youself that new crush is the stuff of relationship doldrums. That after 6 years he'll be grouchy, farty, leave underwear all over the floor, get blind drunk and throw up in the pot plant. Imagine that he eats with his mouth open, and drinks 'til his nose turns red. That'll do it.

good one obi except that I do see him as a possible - or would if I thought that he were interested in me.

newpen. Forgive me, but I don't think you sound like you really do want persuading. I think you'll end up trying to get into situations where you'll be able to try and make him interested in you. You'll do this, because you need someone to be interested in you

original my work environment isn't like that - I am a home worker, I go into one of the offices a few times a year so even if I did try to "bump into him" (and you are right that there is a danger that I wouldn't be able to resist) then it would just be once every few months - unlikely to be even that.

This is why I think that there is a problem - if I was in a more usual work situation then the reality would intervene - but it isn't so it can't and so there is a real danger that I would build this up too much in my head. Then I'd have to deal with him in 6 months time and I'd have built him up into some prince-charming-super-hero and be all blushy and stammery whilst he vaguely remembers meeting me at some point

I hate to say this, but I think OJ has a point, newpen.
You've pretty much said you miss meaningful conversation/attention, and you'd do better to find those things in a straighforward way, rather than mooning and mooching about a colleague who you know nothing about.
The best that's likely to happen if you 'pursue' this 'crush' is that you'll waste a shedload of time just kind of... stultifying... when you could actually be pursuing those academic conversations and things that could make you stronger, more interesting, happier and better able to improve, deal with or move on from the stale relationship that you say you're now in.

Oh, FGS, newpen, he's probably nothing like you remember him anyway. Next time you meet him you'll step towards him a tad to close and be bowled over by his hallitosis.
If you want to moon like this, at least get some Mills & Boon.

he's probably nothing like you remember him I googled him the other day - I've turned into a cyber stalker

newpen you sound catastrophically, monumentally bored, boooored, chairman of the bored.
Join that reading group, do a sudpku, have a cheerful strum or something, but don't get too excited about colleague. In 6 months time he'll probably have another job/be in another continent with his young family/boyfriend/rare ant and termite collection anyway.

On another note, have you tried growing avocadoes from their pits? It's strangely satisfying as a quiet hobby...

Or get into sourdough. Join a artisan bread baking circle!

THing is with crushes, it's fine to acknowledge the feelings to yourself but just not to act on them. . It is also useful to have other stuff going on in your life, you do sound lonely and bored. If nothing else is available, there are some good sites around for online discussion, but you might find it more fun and more useful to take up a hobby or indeed get involved in some sort of campaign that involves interacting with others - whatever matters to you, whether that's stopping Tescos building yet another store in your town or raising funds for orphaniages somewhere.

firmly shoving thoughts of own crush object to back of mind once again
So what is your excuse solidgold am glad I'm not the only one to suffer so :)

I suspect that I am bored - part of the problem is that I am trying to establish myself career wise in a sort of new-to-me area after a long break to have children and so am doing the work-till-you-drop thing that is normally done pre-children in your 20s only I'm in my forties with kids as well and so I just don't have time to do much except work (am working now).

Your work must be pretty boring if you can work til you drop and still spend time fantasising about some weedy git (assuming he is weedy git if he spends evenings putting the world to rights and not watching football/ going to the pub/ going to the gym like other men).

Home working is a bit of a cop out - back in the world of work but not really.

Can you afford a child carer? Go back to a real job where you would meet new people. Go to college? uni?

I think your DH might change his grumpy attitude if you became a happy busy person, not dependent on him for company.

Mid forties you have another 20 years of work ahead of you plenty of time to start something interesting.

OK, it's interesting that none of your RL friends want to talk about your relationship problems with you, but you don't want to speak to us about them.

Your relationship sounds horrendous. Sorry, OP, but why aren't you focusing your energies on having a happy life in terms of getting rid of a dead weight, rather than in terms of having a relationship with someone new?

You do realise you'd be much happier on your own than without your current partner, don't you?

angel I'm doing an online course as part of my career building plan. I love my work - but it does have boring bits, as with all work. I don't earn enough to cover child care though (yet).

I'm not bored by work - dh doesn't have a grumpy atitude - more that as we have got older I have got more tolerant, and more into doing new things and he seems to be getting more intolerant and less into doing new things.

I think that we are looking for different things in a man

OK, it's interesting that none of your RL friends want to talk about your relationship problems with you, but you don't want to speak to us about them

I have spoken on here about my relationship :) just under a different name. At the moment I am not ready to leave dh or even sure that leaving him would be the right thing to do so I don't want to go around in circles having the same discussions :)

Op-
Imagine shagging him, then explaining in the future to your dc what you did and why.
If your "d"p found out you had an affair then he would have every right to throw you out/leave and you would potentially therefore only be able to live with your dc for half the time.
You need to think of the cold hard consequences of a fun shag or ten. It will kill the fantasy for you

Is this guy married/got kids? If so, you would have a hand in wrecking many lives

Also work affairs are cliches for a reason

OP, if you don't mind me asking...
Why that n/c for this thread (trivial crush on someone you hardly know), but (presumably) not for more serious(?) thread on the state of your real relationship?

Well in that case I would find out if new man is in LT relationship and if not make contact, suggest coffee?

If you search online you can often find out details of person eg facebook, linkedin etc or ask a colleague. Disinterested DH is unlikely to find out.

You are probably in for a disappointment but go for it anyway, stop wasting time fantasising.

pinktrees I have thought about all of those things - those are some of the reasons that I am still with dp.

Plumpdog n/c as I wanted advice on how to stop thinking about this crush-object not a discussion about why I should leave dh

angel he lives too far away from me

newpen - you're with 'dp' either because circumstances (like not being financially independent) are keeping you there, or because you love each other. If the first is true, then that is something you need to look at changing. If the second is true then both of you need to work together on your relationship.
I think you're spending time thinking about this man from work because it's an easy way to avoid thinking about any of the above too deeply.

Don't know of any way to stop thinking about crush-object except find a new one.

In my case I know that the crush is going nowhere, I am just enjoying it (crush object is gorgeous musician, 20 years younger than me, very charming but very charming to everyone) - I am single and have no interest in actually dating anyone, though I suspect that having a crush is my libido's way of telling me that a shag would be nice so will probably schedule in a visit to a swingers' club fairly soon.

Newpen, do remember that it's OK to leave a partner who isn't making you happy. And it's fine to be single, too. If your relationship is horrible, having a crush is your subconscious telling you that you need to get out of the current situation.