To not want to be on my own with 2 children on Mother's day

[Mishy1234]

OK, here's the situation with no missing info.

DH booked to go to a gig in London this sunday night (probably a few months ago). This involves leaving at 11am on sunday to catch a flight, with an overnight stay in London, returning late on mon night. He claims he asked me ages ago, which he probably did in his usual stealthy way (waits until I'm knackered and busy and drops it into the conversation). £100's spent on flight, hotel etc which would not be recoverable. It's for a cover band who do Grateful Dead stuff, 4 hours of a recreation of some gig the original band did in the 70's. A chance of a lifetime apparently...

I am not relishing the idea of him disappearing tbh and leaving me with 2 children (4 and nearly 2) on Mother's day. I've been ill recently and haven't recovered completely (still very knackered) and this day is important to me. I don't really want a replacement day on a different weekend.

AIBU to feel put out? He's offered not to go, but I know that's not serious offer and only so he can say that he did offer not to go if I get pissed off about it. I think it's selfish and I don't really care if he didn't check the dates. It's not my job to check, it's him that's spending £100's on himself to bugger off for half the weekend.

Come on girls, opinions please!

And of course you get a day of your choice in June - it's not being vindictive, it's a fair trade :)

What is it that would make your perfect mothers day OP?

Why can't you do mothers day on a different weekend? What the big deal?

I think he has to treat you to quite a nice splendid mothers day celebration to make up for the clashing dates.

Then also orgnaise a spa day with friends maybe another weekend?

Well tbh I think YABU, mainly because you've refused the idea of doing something on a different day/weekend. Presumably DH's thing can't be rescheduled? In which case he should go and then you do something special another time.

Some of you lot are so bloody defeatist.

"And as for chilling out, well, thats never really on the cards is it when we become parents?"

Well no, you will never take drugs and sunbathe for 2 weeks again like Ibiza 1989, but for fuck's sake, you could do a lot more chilling if your so called life-partner and helpmeet behaved like one.

It really pisses me off, the number of hatchet-faced people who line up on threads like this to say, "give up, you are a woman and a mother, get back on your hands and knees with that scrubbing brush where you belong". Whose bloody side are you lot on? Whose agenda are you bolstering here? Think about who's served by all this righteous stoicism, you bloody eejits.

The OP is ill and has two small children, she's coming out of a long and rainy winter, it would be nice if someone gave a shit about her and she didn't have to spend one day of the year sitting on the floor surrounded by bits of snot covered plastic saying "no sweetie, please don't eat your sister's snot".

OP, I understand why another day is not the same, and that should be your opening position: open the negotiations by asking him to cancel his arrangements. In fact, I would then allow the discussion to proceed to a point at which you can accept a bloody marvellous package on some other day which recognises that it is late and delivers you some lovely time off with interest, and whatever else you want.

ok, lots of x-posts. You are not all bloody eejits (magnanimous)

however, to those who are saying "it's just a day for the businesses to make money..." it's not. The OP wants her husband physically present with his family. that has nothing to do with commercialism.

I completely agree. I have most certainly had lovely relaxing days since becoming a parent. Mainly because my DH is not a sexist arsehole and is capable of looking after his own child and doing housework. However, this is my second marriage and I will no longer compromise on certain things and DH knew it when I married him. Also, I can look at dirt and mess just as long as DH can. None of this men can't see it crap.

Wanting her DH to spend time with his family and do his share of the household stuff is perfectly fair enough.

It's just that thinking this one particular day carries so much more weight and that it can't possibly be swapped for another day seems to be the result of all the 'make mother's day' promotional things we've had so much of for the past few years, which is very commercially driven.

I don't remember mother's day being such a big thing when I was little, no one decorated their houses for Easter or Hallowe'en, let alone valentines; even Christmas was rather more muted and the same decorations came out every year. All this stuff is promoted by the big retailers, and raises everyone's expectations.

I guess I may have given my mother a mother's day card at some stage, but I don't remember doing so, and I certainly don't remember her being taken out to lunch or tea or being sent on a 'pampering' weekend.

So I don't have any issue at all with the OP wanting her DH to pitch in a bit more, but making such a big fuss about this being such a big, special day just seems a bit OTT to me, particularly when neither of them realised at the time the DH's husband booked all the non-refundable tickets and so on.

I always gave my Mother a card and flowers. She got breakfast made and we had to be nice all day no mean feat but no spa or that kind of thing. However, equally, my father didn't swan off alone on overnight trips which involved hundreds of pounds spent and a plane journey! Everything was more frugal. If he gets huge, expensive treats for nothing, why can't she have some time and treats for Mothering Sunday?

thing is, op agreed to the weekend, and now after the event is moaning about it. fair enough she has been ill, but that's just unfortunate and unforeseen.

Refusing to consider another day say the following weekend is martyrish.

She would also complain about the trip being cancelled as it would be a waste of loads of money.

SO it sounds like she's pissed off about the whole thing and is determined to remain pissed off instead of looking at practical solutions.

Sounds like you begrudge your dh this weekend and that he's not unused to spending loads of time and money on himself. Can you not do the same thing? DOes he think he can but not let you? Is there an inequality of time and funds, or is it all self imposed? Only you know the answer to that one. Either way, you need to tackle to root of the actual problem, rather than this imo syptoim.

ANd I ask again, when you were bedridden for the week, who looked after you and dc? Was it your dh? In which case he might also need and deserve the break. Either way, he asked, you agreed, you can't really complain now.

If you feel he has a habit of asking you when you are not really paying attention/under stress/ in a vulnerable position, learn to say something like, I'll think about it, check the dates and get back to you. DOn't feel forced to agree then feel pissed off about it months later.

OP, is it a tradition in your family to make a big deal of mother's day? What have you done the last few years?

Possibly I am being unsympathetic as I have been a single parent for more than five years, but even in my eight years of motherhood before that, I didn't make a song and dance about it.

And why would it really be so bad if you celebrated mother's day one day early, or declared that it ran from Saturday morning until 11am on Sunday when your DH needs to leave (so you still get a lie-in and breakfast in bed) or indeed made the whole of the following weekend all about you?

Imnotmymum - he does it because it has been arranged by his older brothers and sisters (who are either childless or who have adult children). He is at least 17 years younger than them and he just sort of goes along with it without thinking for himself. I have much wider issues with him at the moment which i have vaguely posted around mumsnet about but lets say where he spends mothers day is the least of them!

I am still planning to have a nice day with the children and i am buying myself sme driving lessons which was my dds (7) idea but i think its a great one.

YANBU. Mothering Sunday is a religious day, probably stemming from a heathen ritual, but it is important and that's why the Church celebrates it.... Father's and GP's day are the commercial ones IMO.

I am picking up a wider 'you often being stuck with the DCs' issue with this episode being the proverbial 'straw'. Just having a 2yo is tough but you having a 4yo as well... I sometimes feel being a SAHM (I can't recall if you are one) to a toddler is like having to be simultaneously and continually cheerful/ tolerant/ alert/ directorial, while having a little person doing the equivalent of poking you in the ribs every minute or so. It's realllly wearing despite there being a lot of positives to make up. Unless you do it, you have no idea.

Laughing at the idea of you already having had a few Mother's Days so far to enjoy... yeah less than one day of luxury a year really is payback for all the others you've spent holding the family together in that time.

And yes you can do it another weekend, but in my unreasonable frame of mind it's not the fucking same. It feels petty to insist and you can't join in the 'what lovely things are happening to you?' conversations.

All the above is evidence for my continual hero-worship of single parents.

emmacate very good post.

it is a religiuos day, the commercial crap is completely by-the-by.
single mothers can also celebrate it, without cost, actuslly, by going to their local church for the sunday service with their children.
it's likely that children and toddlers will have the chance to go to sunday school/playgroup/creche, leaving the mum to enjoy the service, and most churches give out flowers to the mums. in fact, they normally give one to every person with a living mother (which means if you have more than one child, you'll get more than one bunch )
also, when i was growing up, we made cards in sunday school (no cost, remember).
in the church i go to now, every woman gets a bunch of flowers (couple of daffs, a carnation, sprig of green...), to remind us that it's not about mothers, it's about Mary, the mother, and about the mother church .

(i also hero-worship single parents)

ErnestTheBavarian - the boys are in nursery for 2 days and my MIL had them for a further 2 days (they usually go to PIL for 1 day, but she kindly had them for another day). Then I had them with me for the remainder of the week, reading to them in bed etc and just doing the best I could. DH had them for a few hours over the weekend as he usually would do, taking one or the other to swimming etc. He didn't do any more than usual as he was at work.

I'm not asking him to cancel his trip. He will go, have a great time and no doubt give us little or no thought whilst he is away. He's a relatively high earner and does have more disposable income than me, as I work part-time through choice so I can spend more time with the children. We contribute equally to the household expenses, by paying into the joint account. When I have money it is spent on the family as a whole (DH included) and never exclusively on myself.

Mother's day is important to me, but I understand that it isn't to others. I make a big effort for birthdays, Father's day etc and do find it disappointing when others don't do the same. However, I did agree to him going and going he is.

mishy honey You Are Not Being Unreasonable (Sorry I had to spell it out to make sure I did the right one, have been up all night with chest infection and am not with it.)

Last year was my first mother's day as a new mum. DS was just 9 months and I was so excited. After 4 years of trying for a baby and 4 miscarriages it was finally my turn to celebrate mother's day. All I wanted was a card with maybe DS's hand print in it and maybe an extra hour in bed. BUT it wasn't to be as DS's dad completely forgot about it and completely ruined my day but then expected me to acknowledge father's day even though we were now seperated (I left him a few weeks after the mother's day incident, although not for that reason).

I don't care what other people think about mother's day being rubbish. I personally think its a day where dad should help out. And i'm sorry but your man should not be running off and leaving you when have been feeling poorly. DS's dad and I hate each other but he has helped me out this week by taking DS to nursery when I have been ill.

I can't believe now negative some of the people have been on here. We're supposed to stand up for each other and make each other feel better. You'd want us to be nice to you if you felt hurt or upset. Well done to everyone who has been positive and supportive.

I hope you all have a nice mother's day but especially you mishy

xx

Sorry i've just seen how many typos are in my post. i promise I can spell just not when i've been up all night and am taking enough pills to start my own pharmacy.

it's still not mother's day.
mothering sunday

I like having my kids with me on mothers day and really don't care about anything else.
This weekend they're with their dad though as we both forgot about mothers day when sorting out weekends and he'd arranged stuff for this weekend when I realised.
I've never seen it as a pampering day and am surprised some women go to spas for mothers day as don't think of that as a child friendly place.
"I love you mum" a hug and a card is all I want. We usually have sporting stuff on Sundays anyway.
I think women make more fuss about special days and events than men do. I suspect if you stopped making a fuss about fathers day and just got a card from your kids your husband would be happy, mine's happy if his kids remember to phone him.
I think the media hype theyse days up stupidly so women think everyone else spends the day being waited on.