I don't think IABU, but may be I am? sorry rather long

[iliketea]

Sorry - child free weddings (again).

Me and DH have declined a weddin invitation to a very close friend (not family but as good as) because they're having a adults only wedding. Apparently this is causing ructions, and it turns out that a fair few invitees gave also declined for similar reasons. Apparently the bride is getting rather put out by this. I think that if you decide your wedding is child free, them it should be expected that childcare may be an issue.

We live several hundred miles away and as I see it, we had 2 unacceptable options

1. ask a friend to look after dd for the weekend, but we don't know anyone really well enough for that, and at age 3, I hated the idea of leaving her that long with
   someone she doesn't know that well.

2. Take her with us for the weekend, find someone who can look after her in my parents house while we attend the wedding, again this would be someone dd doesn't know well as all close family and friends who live in my
   hometown will be at said wedding.

So IABU respecting their right to a child free wedding, but thinking that if that's the case, they shouldn't be taking offence if people are unable too attend because they have no-one to provide childcare?

Or should I be trying to sort one of my unacceptable ( to me) childcare options?

YANBU, if they have stipulated no kids then they'll have to accept that some of their guests can't attend. Having said that, I would have no problem leaving my 3yo DS with a good friend or family member for a couple of days to attend a close friend's wedding. If your side of the family are going to be at wedding what about your DH's? Can you not drop your DD with in-laws for a couple of days?

No go on in-laws, they live a flight away, in a different country and aren't physically able to look after a boistrous 3year old for that long, they could prob manage an hour or 2, but no longer, certainly not a whole weekend, otherwise we would have asked them and paid for there flights to come and look after dd at home.

YANBU the bride is being completely unreasonable. She needs to understand that her wedding is not important to everyone else as to her.

YANBU. Their wedding, their choice - but they obviously don't have children to realise how much difficulty this can cause people. It's fairly obvious that some families will choose not to or be unable to attend.

tough shit (for them I mean), ha ha

hate child free weddings!

YANBU at all. The bride cannot have her cake and eat it :0

Also sil and bil who live near pil have own dcs so couldn't come over for the weekend easily either.

:O

:o

Absolutely fine to to leave your DS at that age for that amount of time, it won't harm him and it'll do you both good. Also fine to not want to leave him. If you really don't want to leave him, and there really is no other childcare option then you're well within your rights to decline the invite. Surely she must have been well aware that this would happen. Not everybody has Nanny McPhee living in their basement.

YANBU - their choice to have a child free wedding, but they must respect that others can't come because of it.

YANBU. If they decide to have a child free weeding then they have to accept some people won't be able to go.

YANBU

Don't back down. Not fair on your dd.

Or, between yourself, dh and any family also invited but willing, can you do a bit of tag team babysitting?

Take him with you to your parents and everyone watch him for a couple/few hours before returning to the festivities. Maybe at night, if he's usually a good sleeper, you could leave him with someone else you trust who's not invited.

Obviously, the venue would need to be reasonably close by and either you or dh would need to give up on the right to choose the bit of the day you miss.

As it is, I had a childfree wedding. It was what I wanted. My friends with kids all attended but had family to watch them. Now that I have kids I realise how difficult this might have been. As a childless bride, I gave it not a moments thought. People without kids generally just don't get it. If she's a close friend she should understand you're need to put your child first.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. But people without children often don't understand childcare issues and they may genuinely not have realised that by having a child-free wedding they would be depriving themselves of a number of guests. So if you haven't already you should have a nice chat to her about it, explain how sad you are to miss the wedding, and make it clear that you considered even very expensive options like flying your in-laws over to babysit. Obviously you value this friendship a lot so you don't want her to feel as if you couldn't be bothered.

YANBU but it seems a shame that something can't be organised.

I'm getting married next year and my DF/his family wanted a child free wedding but I said no. We don't have any children but lots of our friends do and I know it would be difficult for them to get childcare. Great if they don't want to bring them (as in it's their choice) but cool if they do.

Sorry. Misread. You have a girl.

Yanbu but if you really want to go there is always a compromise.

What bangtastic said :)

YANBU, my DH's cousin is getting married this year and children are not invited so we won't be going for similar reasons to yours, the wedding is at the other end of the country so nobody in that area to look after DD as they will all be at the wedding and I don't want to leave her for a whole weekend. If that's the wedding they want that's fine but they can't have everything their own way, the world doesn't revolve around one bloody wedding.

The bride is being silly. She chose to have a child free wedding - totally her choice and her right. This is a forseeable consequence of her choice - understandably some people can't go without their DCs.

In your shoes, which ever of the two of us was closest to the people getting married would go (assuming we actually liked them, that is).

It's no biggie, really,

phew, I'm glad that it general IANBU, and the families understand, just the bride seems to be getting a bit peeved. I'm sad not to be going, but just don't feel that it's fair on dd to be left all day and overnight with someone I trust, but that she doesn't really know. And at just 3 when the wedding happens, it's not like I can explain mummy and daddy leaving her with a stranger (to her at least). I don't object to leaving her with family at all, but seeing as they're not available, that's not an option. Maybe in a few years when the bride has children, she'll understand. Or hopefully she'll have a fantastic wedding unaffected by those who couldn't make it.

I go to weddings by myself as we dont have chldcare either. Could that be an option??

Its a bit tight of the bride and groom to categoricalky say no children as there are definitely children in the loop, so to speak

If i got married again i,d have any children available, and in fancy dress too.
hindsight is a wonderful thing dot com

nope.
People who give out about others child-free weddings = twats
people who have child-free weddings but can't accept that this means some people will be unable to attend = twats

yanbu.

I am nosey though - what's she said? What did you hear, who did you hear it from and so on.