I don't think IABU, but may be I am? sorry rather long

[iliketea]

Sorry - child free weddings (again).

Me and DH have declined a weddin invitation to a very close friend (not family but as good as) because they're having a adults only wedding. Apparently this is causing ructions, and it turns out that a fair few invitees gave also declined for similar reasons. Apparently the bride is getting rather put out by this. I think that if you decide your wedding is child free, them it should be expected that childcare may be an issue.

We live several hundred miles away and as I see it, we had 2 unacceptable options

1. ask a friend to look after dd for the weekend, but we don't know anyone really well enough for that, and at age 3, I hated the idea of leaving her that long with
   someone she doesn't know that well.

2. Take her with us for the weekend, find someone who can look after her in my parents house while we attend the wedding, again this would be someone dd doesn't know well as all close family and friends who live in my
   hometown will be at said wedding.

So IABU respecting their right to a child free wedding, but thinking that if that's the case, they shouldn't be taking offence if people are unable too attend because they have no-one to provide childcare?

Or should I be trying to sort one of my unacceptable ( to me) childcare options?

YANBU the only babysitter I have is my mum if we get invite to a (child free) wedding in my side of the family we either 1, don't go or 2, I have to go myself while DP stays at home with DS most of the time its option 1 as I don't feel comfortable going to these things alone.

You're not being unreasonable, but is there anyway you could suggest some sort of creche at the venue. If there are other people who are having the same problem maybe the bride would be happy to compromise.

in a few years when the bride has children, she'll understand.

Or she might wonder why one of you couldn't make the effort. You really ought to at least consider one of you going alone.

mayorquimby has hit the nail on the head, however

Ditto JMHPG.

You don't both need to stay at home to look after DD, so one of you goes to the wedding.

I heard it from another family member, who has been involved with wedding prep and invitations etc. I think the bride just thought everyone would somehow manage - it's really only those who live far away with dcs who've declined. Think maybe she just didn't think as the majority of guests live close enough to have a babysitter available somehow. I think it's about 4 or 5 couples (all family of either bride or groom) who've declined.

What YuleingFango said..
[nosey aswell]

There's no way you're being unreasonable. The couple have every right not to invite children, we didn't either, apart from our own, but good manners dictate that the correct response to someone declining their invitation is "What a pity, we're sorry to hear that" not a stamped foot and a strop.

Also I completely respect her decision - her wedding, her choice. And although I'm sad we're not going, I'm fine with it. I did think of one of us going on our own, but wondered if it would feel odd and feel a bit nasty to tell people dh stayed at home because we couldn't bring dd and had no childcare, it would feel like I was bitching about the bride's choices on her wedding day.

We had this with a wedding recently: DH and me invited but not the 4DC. We have no family support and the time and location of wedding would mean needing the DCs fed lunch, entertained all afternoon, then given tea and put to bed - i.e not a job for the faint hearted, even if we could pay someone to do it, it would be min £100. So we declined. The ructions Of course we could find someone to do it! So what if my mother is alcoholic/MIL is arthritic, DC1 is 7, surely he could look after the others In the end DH went by himself and got very annoyed with the amount of people who came up to him and said "it's a pity your DC couldn't make it" but THEY WEREN'T INVITED - totally the bride and groom's decision to only invite certain children but don't lie and tell everyone we chose not to come!

In your case, is there anywhere for a wedding creche to be held?

Well that's just daft, OP. I can appreciate why you'd worry, but it's daft all the same. Most people, even those withno children, understand that weekend-long childcare outside of family is difficult to come by for a 3yo.

Are you sure you're not cutting off your nose to spite your face a little bit?

I posted something similar (my dd was just 1) about a year ago. We agreed to go to the day bit, but politely declined the evening. I got a ranting bride on my doorstep!

It was a horrible day, middle of nowhere so no mobile reception. I worried a lot. I was also still bitter about bridezilla's rant. She is now going through ivf & is megaprecious about EVERYTHING! & expects endless pandering. Btw, we're the groom's friend's!

YANBU she needs to accept the consequences of her perfectly legitimate decision.

By the way I got 50% flamed for not wanting leave my bf child. You're not asking people's opinion on whether you should leave 3 yo.

Presumably you're not weak enough to let what a few strangers on a forum say change your mind on that aspect of the issue, so I don't know why they bother!

We're having a child-free wedding due to pressure of numbers, and a few people have said that they'll come on their own as their DW/DH will be looking after the children. We're fine with that. We want as many or our friends and family as possible to celebrate with us, and this was the best way of doing it.

You're not obliged to accept any invitation, and the bride will probably understand this once the stress of wedding-planning has worn off.

I don't actually like child-free weddings but then I spent some of my childhood living in a country where the very idea of them would be seen as strange.

However, I do respect that this is a choice some couples make. However, this has to come with an understanding that not everyone has appropriate childcare to make their attendance possible. So I'm always surprised when there are such ructions - as well as rather amused at how very differently these demanding bridezillas will behave once they have children and receive an invitation to a child-free wedding.

I wasn't at all precious about leaving my children but I was thoughtful about who they'd be left with when as young as 3 so YANBU. I also don't see why you should have to attend weddings alone either although sometimes there is no realistic alternative. However, it is rather different when one of a couple can, attend the wedding ceremony and the other the reception as ex-dh and I did a few times if a child-free wedding was held locally.

I'd hate to go to a wedding without DH, given the whole point of weddings.

To be honest if I was invited to a "child-free" wedding I wouldn't go anyway, wouldn't like the "vibe". And if you can't get childcare, and I couldn't either, well even more the case. Just say sorry you can't go, childcare issue, and leave it at that. If she can't accept that, her problem.

YANBU to decline. Perhaps the bride is surprised how many people don't want to / aren't able to leave their child/children, but that's just a learning curve for her.
I think it does still come down to how much you want to though - as others have said, a 3 yr old would have a great time on a little "holiday" without her parents, or there is the option of her staying with dh and you going on your own, if she's as close a friend as you say.
Ultimately though, it's up to you - it's an invitation not a court summons. There will always be people who can't make a wedding for all sorts of reasons - it's a shame to think one of your friends won't be there, but everyone can't always arrange their life around your wedding, and most sane people realise that.

Well the bride will just have to deal with it won't she?

I'm all in favour of child free weddings - prefer them in fact - but to make a fuss because people can't go is a bit much

One of you should try and go. If people ask where OH and DCs are why can you not just say you had no childcare? Surely other guests will notice there isn't a single child there?
It won't be a secret that it's a child free wedding.

Also find child free weddings a strange concept - always thought weddings were family occasions, and one of the nice things about them is getting to catch up with people you may not have seen for a while, which includes seeing their children.

It's a pity the bride couldn't provide some kind of entertainment or creche for the children, so that they could come and enjoy it too without getting bored and running riot.

But of course it is up to the bride and groom to decise who to invite as many have pointed out, and up to you to say you therefore are unable to attend.

I don't agree with the posters who say a 3 year old would automatically have a wonderful time for a couple of days with someone they hardly know. I know this would have been a huge trauma for both my girls at 3. In fact my younger DD, who is just 4, has never been left overnight without either of her parents. We are planning to try it for the first time this summer for our 10th anniversary, going away for 2 nights and leaving the girls in our own home in the care of their beloved grandparents.

YANBU.

YANBU I don't have a problem with child free weddings, I've been to them. However, the bride and groom have to accept that not everyone can, or wants, to go to one.

I totally agree that if you arrange a child-free wedding that you have to be prepared for some people to be unable to attend. But I'm not surprised the bride is in a piss, considering so many couples can't be arsed to make the effort.

Those with new babies and so on have good reason, but the others? I'd be hurt tbh. It's not as if you wouldn't know anyone there OP.

My DS is 5 and GPs and family are not prepared to look after him. The alternative is to arrange a babysitting service at home or by the venue, neither option appeals to me. If people are having a child free wedding that you need to travel to, then invited guests may not be able to attend if childcare is a problem. Tough shit.

I agree that a third option is that one of you goes another looks after your DD. I would only do this for a very very close friend.

I am one of those people that cannot be arsed to attend in this circumstance.

I didn't give birth so I could leave my son with others while I waltz off on weekend jollies. You could be leaving your kid a weekend a month in some years if you said yes to every bridezilla, even if you had a live in nanny. So no I'd send a pressie, wish em well, blah, blah, blah .....

I wouldn't attend, and I wouldn't feel guilty for not doing so. Bridezilla can stomp all she wants I'm not bovvered.

For a serious family illness or worse bereavement, yes I'd put myself out of pocket, and make a real effort to be there. People don't choose the sit life throws at you sometimes.

She chose a child-free wedding. You choose to raise your child. A friend respects the choices the other makes. A spoilt brat throws a Violet Eliabeth. Let her get on with it.

We were invited to a family wedding last year with no children under 16; ds was at the time 15.9 (years), and knew how to behave. Saved me a fortune though, as going would have involved travelling to UK to drop ds somewhere inconvenient and then flying on again to the wedding, hiring a car, paying for accommodation and then going back to UK for our summer break. We bought something nice off their list.