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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my sister should tell me more about her fertility issues and TTC

64 replies

Bennifer · 13/03/2012 13:39

As this question is posed, it's none of my business. Clear as day.

However, we both have a very rare genetic condition that affects around 1 in 10,000 people that affects fertility. My sister is very coy about the fact that she is trying to conceive and getting treatment for it. I even saw her husband at the clinic yesterday, but I was in a side corridor and he didn't see me.

As it's so rare, and what we know affects each other, am I being unreasonable to want to know a little bit more about what advice she's being given, etc?

OP posts:

LucyLastik · 13/03/2012 13:40

YABU, as you said, absolutely none of your business

SydSaid · 13/03/2012 13:42

I think YABU. Sorry. I understand why you would like to discuss it, but you can't expect someone else to feel the same way.

JustHecate · 13/03/2012 13:43

Yes and no.

It is not unreasonable of you to want lots of information on a subject that affects you

It is totally unreasonable of you to expect (if you do, which I am taking from the fact you said you think she should tell you) that you have any sort of right to be told. It's still her treatment. Her situation. Even though you both have the same condition, and she's your sister - she's still entitled to privacy if she wants it.

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Ask her if she would be comfortable sharing information with you. If she says no, then you just have to respect that.

ABigGirlDoneItAndRanAway · 13/03/2012 13:43

Sorry but I also think YABU, why can't you do your own research into your condition and how it affects fertility, if your sister doesn't want to have an open discussion that's her right not to you can't force her.

peeriebear · 13/03/2012 13:43

You could broach the subject in a 'pooling your knowledge' sort of way, but if she doesn't want to discuss it that's that I'm afraid. Good luck.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/03/2012 13:43

YABU
you can find out on your own account. If she felt comfortable sharing it with you I agree it would be nice to do so but if she doesn't that's absolutely her business.

NeedlesCuties · 13/03/2012 13:44

Are you undergoing treatment for fertility issues? Does your sis know that?

Perhaps she feels uneasy about the issues she and her DH are going through and doesn't understand that you are concerned about her and also your own health.

Have you actually asked her, or just waiting for her to pour out her heart about it?

I don't think YABNU to want to know, but I can understand if your sis doesn't want to talk about her specific issues and her feelings.

Original poster

Bennifer · 13/03/2012 13:45

I see that, and of course, I am doing a lot of research for myself, but of course, my sister in the only person I know in the whole world with the same condition.

I know I can't expect her to share, I just find it frustrating that she doesn't as I share everything I know with her.

OP posts:

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 13/03/2012 13:47

Why don't you ask her?

Original poster

Bennifer · 13/03/2012 13:47

I am in the early stages of treatment, my sister is further along than me in her treatment. But she won't tell me anything about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bennifer · 13/03/2012 13:48

I have asked, but her answers are all "who knows?", "maybe". She clearly doesn't want to talk about it, but I tell her everything that I find out. I know I don't have the right to know, it's just frustrating she can't be more open about it

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 13/03/2012 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SydSaid · 13/03/2012 13:54

Maybe you need to just stop discussing it with her, is there a support group that you could speak to? There must be a significant number of women nationally that are either going through or have gone through (or plan to) the same thing.

I wish you well

Panda1234 · 13/03/2012 14:05

I can understand why you'd want to talk about it and it must be frustrating feeling as if your sister is holding back on you. However, bear in mind that her fertility situation might not be identical to yours - her DH might have a low sperm count and not want it discussed, for example. I think you're going to have to give up asking her about it for the time being or risk offending her. If she gets pg she might be more open.

Good luck, and you might want to try the Stirrup Queens site to see if any of the bloggers there are in the same boat, if you haven't already.

edwinbear · 13/03/2012 14:10

I remember feeling incredibly hurt and left out when my sis (to whom I am very close) was diagnosed with PCOS and was having long discussions with my mum about it but didn't even tell me until about a year after the event. But, ultimately, she was dealing with it in her own way and it was, of course, incredibly upsetting and worrying for her. It was really for me to get over myself and realise it was up to her to deal with it in the way that worked best for her. It's not the same situation as yours, but I do understand how you feel.

LydiaWickham · 13/03/2012 14:28

As you said you know she's further down the line than you, so while you might be sharing everything you find out with her, it could be everything you are telling her is old news. You are at the start of this, she is a lot further along, perhaps dealing with other issues. I could imagine it would very hard for her, particularly if she has been dealing with her condition for a while, to realise you might have more success with treatments that didn't work for her. Her refusal to discuss could be her way of protecting herself from the news that her little sister can become a mother when she can't.

Also, people deal with stressful and difficult situations in different ways. You are obviously the sort of person who wants to discuss details, to "learn stuff" about the condition, she might just want to put it to one side and only deal with it when she has to.

It also could be that she would feel if she gets into discussions with you about this she would have to 'support' you and has no energy left to do it.

Try to find other support groups if you can. And good luck.

orangeLFDThead · 13/03/2012 14:36

I know it must be frustrating but I think you are making the persumption that fertility issues are all about the women. They maybe no issues with your sister but with with her dh/dp as already suggested. Most men feel humilated by low sperm counts or other similar problems. Your sister may not be telling you about it as her dh/dp as asked her not to say anything.

Original poster

Bennifer · 13/03/2012 15:18

Thanks for your comments - I can see that she must deal with it in a different way to me, I'm definitely more open about it than her. I think some aren't spotting the salient point - it's not something that only one of us has, we both have it, and we've known about it for around 20 years - we went through puberty with the same treatment together - as it stands we're both definitely infertile, it is just whether with treatment we could become fertile, it could well be that my sister's husband also has fertility problems, but my sister definitely has.

I will have to find other support groups, but I still feel it's a shame my sister and I cannot support each other.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 13/03/2012 15:52

yanbu to feel this way, it would bug me too! good luck with everything

Panda1234 · 13/03/2012 17:46

I think the point I was trying to make is that you have one fertility problem in common, but your sister and her husband might have other factors as well as your genetic condition - tubal scarring from chlamydia, low sperm count or whatever - that your sister doesn't want to talk about and may require her getting different treatment to you.

Or they might be thinking about donor eggs/sperm/surrogacy and either not feel able to support someone going through the early stages of treatment, or not want to frighten you that yours won't work.

I can understand you wanting to talk to someone and have been in a broadly similar situation myself with fertility treatment. It's just that, sadly, there's any number of good reasons why your sister might not be open with you.

squeakytoy · 13/03/2012 17:57

I dont think you are being unreasonable actually.

It wouldnt be a hardship for your own sister to tell you what is happening. If there are factors beyond the problem that you both have in common, I cant understand why she couldnt just say that to you, without the need to go into detail any further.

OddBoots · 13/03/2012 18:02

It's quite possible that there are more to their issues than you know about, maybe her dh has problems too and they don't want to discuss that. Of course it is just as possible that she just doesn't want to talk about her own problems.

Original poster

Bennifer · 13/03/2012 18:03

I looked at the numbers again, and the incidence rate is actually 1 in 50,000 for women (although it's so rare, it's difficult to estimate). That means that there are maybe 600 women in the UK with it - maybe a third don't know they have it. Maybe another third are too old to be trying to conceive and medicine in this area has changed rapidly.

That means there are maybe 200 women in this country that are in a similar position, and one of them is my sister.

OP posts:

piprabbit · 13/03/2012 18:07

Once I began treatment, I couldn't bear to talk about my fertility treatment with anybody except DH and the doctors.
Rationally it would be sensible for your DSis to pool information with you. Emotionally it maybe something she cannot do.

Ask her, but don't pressurise her. She may feel differently as the treatment progresses and choose to share with you then. Or maybe if you keep the lines of communication open, she might be prepared to comment on what you are experiencing so long as the focus isn't on her own issues.

ChitChatFlyingby · 13/03/2012 18:13

YANBU - I think it's sad that she won't share with you.

My sisters have had a number of health problems, and on talking to female cousins and second cousins on both sides of the family we've tracked down the family line it's come down through, and some of my younger cousins were able to get checked and treated. Fortunately it missed me, but talking through it has helped my sisters deal with it and not be as worried by it.

It passed to my sisters via our father, so we've kept our SIL in the loop so that she can pass the information onto her daughters, in case it has been passed down to them via our brother.

My mother knew about some of the problems that our aunt and grandmother had, but wouldn't tell any of us. 'These things shouldn't be talked about'.

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