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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister should tell me more about her fertility issues and TTC

64 replies

Bennifer · 13/03/2012 13:39

As this question is posed, it's none of my business. Clear as day.

However, we both have a very rare genetic condition that affects around 1 in 10,000 people that affects fertility. My sister is very coy about the fact that she is trying to conceive and getting treatment for it. I even saw her husband at the clinic yesterday, but I was in a side corridor and he didn't see me.

As it's so rare, and what we know affects each other, am I being unreasonable to want to know a little bit more about what advice she's being given, etc?

OP posts:
Wahwahs · 13/03/2012 18:18

I am Shock at this!

Goodness, leave her alone, she is going through fertility treatment (which you only know about through wheedling and presuming and accidentally having seen her DH)!!

She doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't want to discuss it, and despite knowing that she could talk to you, she isn't doing so. Take the hint!

Unfortunately, it is not you and her going through this, it is her and her DH. He might be more private than her and not want it discussed, not her. She might feel invaded enough going through fertility treatment without all her struggles being laid bare for everyone else to discuss, etc.

I understand you want her support, but she needs your support, too, only in a different way - she needs you to quietly ignore the fact she is having treatment and support her in respecting her boundaries. Quiet compassion.

I really wish you all the best - I hope you find some other source of support and that things work out for you Smile

AThingInYourLife · 13/03/2012 18:22

YANBU, I don't think.

I think it's a real shame she is refusing to discuss it, and with such a rare condition you might be able to offer genuine help for each other, not just support.

Obviously it's up to her what she talks about, but I would be very hurt and upset if my sister wouldn't talk to me about a genetic condition we shared.

I can't imagine being so cold towards my own little sister if she desperately wanted to talk to me about something she was worried about that I was experiencing.

skybluepearl · 13/03/2012 18:36

Can you be open with her about your own issues and ask her advice about things/procedures/steps but don't ask for details of her own fertility issues.

McHappyPants2012 · 13/03/2012 18:42

Perhaps she is not telling you for a reason.

Perhaps it do you can get more info off the doctors and she may feel like she will miss out some information

Floggingmolly · 14/03/2012 09:49

The same advice she's being given us presumably available to you?

Original poster
Bennifer · 14/03/2012 13:14

It is, but as you can imagine, it's not easy to get. Also it's good to hear it from a fellow patient, as well as a doctor or a leaflet

OP posts:
BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 14/03/2012 13:22

YABVU. As others have said, you share the same genetic condition, but there may be other issues (co-existing medical conditions, fertility problems in her partner, relationship difficulties) that your sister doesn't want to discuss.

Alternatively, she may simply not want to talk about it with you. For whatever reason, she is entirely at liberty not to do so.

EmmaCate · 14/03/2012 13:29

I'm afraid YABU - you can't force her. My DSis and I love each other loads but we have different natures; I am all about sharing personal information and generally she isn't. It doesn't bother me; it's all the more special when she does. I know it must be a really big thing when that happens.

Sorry though - I hope you both are successful in conceiving.

Ilovedaintynuts · 14/03/2012 13:42

Perhaps she is terrified you will conceive before her? Or you will conceive and she won't?
When I was dealing with infertility it did crazy things to my brain. I became preoccupied with people getting pg before me - including my own sister!
Maybe she feels she will give you a head start if she gives you information?

diddl · 14/03/2012 13:57

YABU.

Leave your sister alone to deal with things as she wants.

If she told you what advice/info she has been given-what would you do with it?

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 14/03/2012 14:09

YANBU - I think given the very unusual circumstances it is a great shame that she won't pool resources. Of course she has a right to privacy but she might be cutting off her nose to spite her face here as the information you share might make you both more likely to have the children you want.

Original poster
Bennifer · 14/03/2012 14:10

I have no idea, it depends what she told me! I can see I'm unreasonable to think she should share, but I don' think I'm being very unreasonable.

I'm imagining a scenario that your sister had a terminal disease and knew you had it too. Wouldn't you want to share information with each other?

OP posts:
diddl · 14/03/2012 15:26

The thing is that although you have the same condition, you might react differently to the same treatment or need different treatment to each other?

I personally wouldn´t want to share as we all react differently to things anyway.

Original poster
Bennifer · 14/03/2012 15:55

It's not something I'm going to be able to change my sister about - It's a real shame that we can't talk about it, but that's life.

For me, I think the uniqueness of our conditions makes it something I would want to share, she is very secretive, to the point that she won't even admit to being on treatment. We're all different.

OP posts:
melika · 14/03/2012 15:57

It's her and her partners business and when she wants to tell you, she will.

YABU.

Original poster
Bennifer · 14/03/2012 15:59

I know, it's just it affects me so much, that's what makes it so frustrating

OP posts:
Original poster
Bennifer · 14/03/2012 16:01

I should emphasise, I don't want to know what her partners sperm count is, but I would like to know what advice she has received on the success rate, what the treatment is, how it feels, all that sort of stuff.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 14/03/2012 16:31

But Bennifer, she probably feels she can't support you too. And if you've not been discussing it with her before it was something you were looking into for yourself, they you've not been the one she's leaned on for support when she's gone through it, so probably won't see you as someone she will be 'sharing' the experience with, more 'helping'. You don't want her to open up so you can help her, you want her to open up so she can help you. I can see why someone going through that wouldn't have the strength to help other people as well, although it's totally understandable that you want her help and support.

Mrsjay · 14/03/2012 16:37

YABU i know you have a rare condition but i dont think your sister has to share anything with you , why dont you ask her she may share , but perhaps its a bit private to be sharing with her sister I can only imagine fertility treatment is invasive and therefore not really for sharing , but do try and broach the subject with her she may open up ,

diddl · 14/03/2012 16:43

But you will receive the same advice?

And how the treatment feels-well that´s personal to her & could well be different for you.

If I was undergoing IVF I´d tell noone but my husband & perhaps that´s pretty much how she feels.

She doesn´t want to discuss it & tbh the fact that you have the same condition-I´m not sure why that changes things.

Threeprinces · 14/03/2012 16:46

YABU.

Different people handle situations in their own way. My sister is very open and needs to talk about things, very similar to my mum. I am a very private person and prefer not to share emotional things generally.

It is for that reason that my family have absolutely no idea that we had problems having dc2 and went through tests and fertility drugs. It was something I just didn't share with anyone apart from DH and one friend. The very last thing I wanted was people asking how it was going or their pity or concern. We just needed to deal with it ourselves.

Even now 9 years later they haven't a clue, seems too late to tell them now. I am however less secretive with friends and in general now as it was something that happened years ago and thankfully worked.

Hopefully I've helped explain where your sister may be coming from, she's not doing it to spite you but it's her way of coping with it.

Good luck with it all.

Original poster
Bennifer · 14/03/2012 16:49

Well, I think the fact we have the same condition changes things quite a lot.

Imagine you had an elder sibling with a certain condition, and you knew about it. You have just been diagnosed with the same condition. Even though you might well eventually get the same information over a longer period from the doctor, would you want to get some information from your sibling. How would feel is she said just speak to the doctors, it's none of your business? I think most people would be disappointed

I can fully understand the dilemma

Fertility is usually a very private thing
Sharing a very rare condition with a sibling is something you'd want to share, so there's a conflict.

OP posts:
Panda1234 · 14/03/2012 16:59

You say you're not interested in knowing about her husband's sperm count, but if there is a male factor (or any other factor) in the mix then her chances of success and treatment are going to be different from yours - for example, ICSI rather than standard IVF.

Even if it is the same treatment, she might find it very upsetting to talk about or even have depression, as it's not unknown in IF patients and, from personal experience, makes it difficult to support others. Lydia's bang on about support, and anyway, surely you wouldn't want her to support you at the expense of making things more emotionally tough for her?

As hard as it is, you're going to have to rely on other sources of support to get through it or risk alienating your sister. There are loads of fertility resources online - blogs, Fertility Friends, the Infertility Network. Although your condition is rare, there's bound to be someone on one of these websites who is in the same boat.

diddl · 14/03/2012 17:00

Well your sister feels differently & you need to respect that.

"Fertility is a private thing"-so respect that-it is none of your business & because you both have it due to a condition, I still don´t see how that makes it your business tbh.

You sound as if you expect too much from your sister.

Mrsjay · 14/03/2012 17:02

Bennifer just a thought maybe she isnt comfortable talking about the condition you both have ? and just want to concentrate on her treatment , I do see why you want support but she obviously feels she cant support you at the moment , are you going through treatment ATM , you could maybe share with her and perhaps support her , then getting the information you need , If you see what i mean ,