to not want to indulge my sil when she slags me off all the time?

[tillymintfloss]

MY sil to be is causing grief, or rather, my boyfriend is. SHe basically has slagged me off on Facebook with his ex then lied to my bf and said it was about someone else and he believes her. She bad mouths me to his family and friends so that they now have a low opinion of me. This all wouldn't be so bad if my boyfriend didn't gloss over what she does and attack me for being upset. I don't think he sees what she's like. SHe's lovely in front of people but makes sly digs at me all the time. Or she'll offer my kids stuff they can't have just so I have to be the bad guy to them And tell them no.
Now she wants to take my daughter out for her birthday and I'm not comfortable with it, partly cos I don't know what she's going to be saying to her (in the past she's talked about inappropriate subjects with her), and partly because I don't see why we could indulge the whims of This person when she behaves like she does. My boyfriend on the other hand insists that she's his sister and I should be more tolerant of her for his sake.
Their parents split when she was young so he's always looked out for her etc.

I know that for his sake I should let my daughter go and have some time with his sister, but It's really irritating me what she does and how he doesn't seem to have any loyalty to me.

Why is your partner not standing up for you??

thats the real issue here.

Thanks again for the recent replies, you're all right and I'm going to calmly tell him and see what happens. Drdwt I think you've hit on a particular point when you say he really knows deep down. He does seem adamant tho that I'm making him unhappy by, as he says, making him choose. I'm not, she is! This has just gone on for so long now and we are both really stubborn. I will stand my ground tho..

Good luck Tilly as it's a horrible situation so hope it works out for the best & your DH does the right thing & stands by you.

Tilly, you are not stubborn. You are being sensible and reasonable.

It's everyone else that is screwed up due to childhood experiences.

OP, you started the thread with "MY sil to be" - does this mean that you and your boyfriend are planning to marry? And could this have led to his sister's behaviour (feeling insecure)?

Despite all the bullshit about what their parents/ parents' divorce did to them, I imagine he and his sister are probably acting in very much the same way as their parents did: "turning against" this or that individual, evidently wrecking family relationships because of their bitterness...

I am the product of divorce, too, and definitely agree that it's a relationship gone bad which damages children, whereas a sensible split, before things get too bad, saves everyone from their own worst natures. Children can be really relieved to be able to deal with divorced parents separately, as individuals, rather than having to feel guilty, torn and confused because the - which they both love are behaving so badly and making the children choose. In your situation, your DCs' father is already making them choose between him (and the overbearing and unpleasant auntie, who upsets them by slagging off their beloved mother) and you.

You need to stand up for yourself and to also show your children you will not be bullied. If he will not stand up for you against his idiot sister then tell him to go. Don't let her near your children, she is poison. They would not want to spend time with someone who treats their mum like that

OK, I am going to go against he grain here and try a different point of view.
If you marry this man, who you love, you will have SIL for ever.
If this situation goes on, you will have tension in your marriage for ever.

For the sake of the love you have for your husband to be, can you PRETEND that you love your SIL. I know you don't, but can you 'fake it till you make it'?

Can you rise above the petty snipes and rubbish on Facebook and try to see her as someone who loves your boyfriend, who would like to be an indulgent auntie to your DC, and someone who is going to be part of your life for a long time.

She might not know how to behave with dignity and kindness, but you can.

Even if sometimes it is through gritted teeth.
yes it might seem 'false' to you, and not 'honest', but there is some big stuff at stake, and it might save your relationship, and actually make you happier, if you can try to be the bigger person. It will also give no ammunition to your SIL if you are genuinely trying to see her point of view and to be kind to her.

I understand all the posters saying 'stand up for yourself', and in most things I would agree, but this is family, and the feelings clearly run very deep.

My granny used to say 'YOu catch more flies with honey than with vinegar'

Good luck Tilly whichever way you play it

NorksAreMessy, I would absolutely agree with your strategy, if all the OP were up against was sniping. But - "She bad mouths me to his family and friends so that they now have a low opinion of me." And OP knows how this affects how others treat her, as she herself experienced her SIL badmouthing her stepmother so that "over the years [SIL]has painted such a bad picture of her to me that I couldn't help but behave differently towards the woman."^ So OP feels that SIL's behaviour is impacting on her relationships with many others.

HI everyone, well I'm still no further on really with this. MY bf did make dinner last night and we are speaking but nothing more has been said about the matter other than me asking if he's told his sister she isn't taking dd out. I think he's waiting for me to back down and the strategy above sounds a good one until I realise that it will be hard km change others opinions of me after what she's done and to be honest, she's so clever and manipulative that she would probably continue to cause upset for me anyway. My bf will always think It's just a case of me not liking her, rather than her being a bitch and I don't know how to change this. If she manipulates him so easily, what is she capable of with MY kids? Then again, if we pplit up she would have much more contact wth the kids then, which would be worse..

the strategy above sounds a good one until I realise that it will be hard km change others opinions of me after what she's done and to be honest, she's so clever and manipulative that she would probably continue to cause upset for me anyway

Others people are obsessed with themselves ime, though happy to slag off others because it makes them feel superior or whatever the reason, they, deepdown, really don't give a monkey's toss what you do and only care about what they do or what is done to them. So your argument is not valid.

So if you turned nice their issues with you would be forgotten pretty quickly.

I am not including s-i-l in this. But definitely try the being nice - why don't you say you want to go too to bday outing too. She is probably frightened that you are taking away her brother/ a better person than her and everyone will want to spend time with you and not her/ she will never marry and have kids of her own - or whatever. Tell DH it will be lovely having a loving auntie to help with bringing up DD, and explain you understand sil is bound to find it difficult that you are close to DH like she used to be or whatever.

Give it a go.

Josie I have done this just today. I have suggested she take dd to next for an outfit and then said she is welcome to take her out for food afterwards. Bf is still not happy, despite the fact I've all but given them what they wanted. I'm fast starting to realise that the situation is becoming very much them and me. She will always go to My bf first then he will run it by me and if I have a problem with her request it all kicks off. How can I ever win? Another poster stated that they are as bad as each other and I am inclined to agree.

1. Delete and BLOCK her on FB. You don't need nor care to know what BS she is spouting on FB.

1. Tell your idiot of a BF that if he wants to leave you because you are not comfortable with his (rude and abusive) sister taking the children out, given all her back stabbing then he knows where the door is. Honestly, he is trying to manipulate you. Don't forget he was raised the same as this 'SIL' person, so will have the same defects as her. An apple doesn't fall too far from the tree and all that. he came from the same tree as her!

1. Call her out every single time on everything she says to you, but wait till you are in public to repeat it. Oh SIL2B? I meant to ask you, when you said what exactly did you mean to say?, cos it came out AWFULLY rude and I'm sure (dripping sarcasm) you didn't mean it that way

1. Hold your line, don't deviate from it at all. She will eventually grow so frustrated that she will slip.

If anyone asks why do you not let SIL take the DC, TELL them! Stop covering for her. Sod your BF, and don't for the love of god marry him, he'll only get worse and you'll be stuck with a divorce bill to get rid of him and his godawful sister.

You DO have a problem with his sister, but you have a bigger one with him.

Well sil is not going to go away. Even if you split up from DP she will still be around helping him with DD which is not a good prospect.

In me men are gullible and relatively easily manipulated. I think trying the 'I spoke to a friend about this whose parents split up and she says your sil is blah blah blah and I realise I am not being fair/ taking that into consideration/ i love you very much and am feeling jealous of her /he is a wonderful partner/father/man and you want to be part of his family /i am so sorry sil and I got off on the wrong foot and etc etc. Especially if you speak about emotions it will wrong foot him and maybe make him more likely to listen. But do not criticise sil.

Aren't there any blokes you can push in her direction? Sounds like she needs someone else to take her mind off your little family. If she gets her own bloke she may find the attraction of playing aunties dwindles a bit.

Just wanted to update you as you all took the time to respond and give advice. MY boyfriend, after becoming quite cold with me even once the arguing had stopped has suggested we go to relationship counselling. He said that if It's him that's causingproblems then he needs to get it sorted anddoesn't want us to split up. I'm happy with this x

I've read this with interest as I too have a SIL I dislike and dislikes me in return but who my DH will protect. Her current thing is to promise something to DD, nothing big generally but just that she'll be round to spend the afternoon, and then not turn up because she's "too busy".

DH will justify this in many ways which frankly I can't be that arsed with hearing. We've had a few full-on discussions about it and basically have both backed off. I can't see his POV and he can't see mine but neither of us want to push it to the brink and risk our relationship.

So what I'm trying to say is that it is possible to live with the elephant in the room and not let it affect your daily relationship. What I would also say is that it has taken counselling and 2 years of active trying and communication to reach this pitiful stage! There was other stuff which SIL did a couple of years ago - we didn't need counselling just because she didn't turn up to playdates!

Fortunately we have a great relationship other than this and concentrating on the good things means when we have the confrontations we're not coming at it from a position of anger or miscommunication about anything else.

Caresmildly - thankyou for your post, it gives me hope that we can learn to at least compromise with this issue. My sil to be is just a bit of a leech really, she has no kids or partner of her own and lives alone and because of her general demeanour with people, doesn't have that many friends. She'd never make promises she couldn't keep with our kids, she's just really hard to get rid of once she's round! I don't mean that in a nasty way, but if she comes round she'll stay all day, and I mean all day, even if we have stuff planned. My boyfriends falls over himself to accommodate her, often at my expense, when all kid while she's making sly digs at me or just completely taking over! There are other members of my boyfriends family that see this person for what she really is, its just my boyfriend is blind to it. I really do try with her, but she's extremely hard work!

"There are other members of my boyfriends family that see this person for what she really is"

Could they be of any help tilly - maybe someone else pointing out the problem to him - especially a family member - would get through to him?

To be honest I'm wondering if that's already happened as he saw his step brother last weekend. He may well have had a word already but yes, It's certainly something to be considered. I'm hoping this counseling will help him to see his ignorance of her behaviour and It's effects on me. We shall see..

Sounds like positive steps tilly & like he's at least willing to meet you halfway. Good luck with the counselling.