to not want to indulge my sil when she slags me off all the time?

[tillymintfloss]

MY sil to be is causing grief, or rather, my boyfriend is. SHe basically has slagged me off on Facebook with his ex then lied to my bf and said it was about someone else and he believes her. She bad mouths me to his family and friends so that they now have a low opinion of me. This all wouldn't be so bad if my boyfriend didn't gloss over what she does and attack me for being upset. I don't think he sees what she's like. SHe's lovely in front of people but makes sly digs at me all the time. Or she'll offer my kids stuff they can't have just so I have to be the bad guy to them And tell them no.
Now she wants to take my daughter out for her birthday and I'm not comfortable with it, partly cos I don't know what she's going to be saying to her (in the past she's talked about inappropriate subjects with her), and partly because I don't see why we could indulge the whims of This person when she behaves like she does. My boyfriend on the other hand insists that she's his sister and I should be more tolerant of her for his sake.
Their parents split when she was young so he's always looked out for her etc.

I know that for his sake I should let my daughter go and have some time with his sister, but It's really irritating me what she does and how he doesn't seem to have any loyalty to me.

Or she'll offer my kids stuff they can't have just so I have to be the bad guy to them And tell them no.

Like what?

And why are you with your boyfriend? If I was in this situation I would be getting out again pretty sharpish. And there is no way I would allow my child to be alone with someone who so clearly dislikes me.

What Callisto said.

Squeaky toy - things like sweets before tea, or inappropriate clothes for my little girl, or she'll start suggesting things to them like her taking them out before she's even checked with us..

Callisto - we have been together for years and aside from this issue, are happy its Just gone on so long thatI'm starting to really dislike the woman. but worse than that I can see its my boyfriend that isn't handling the situation well, although he is stuck in the middle I guess...

when their parents split, she grew to hate their step mum and over the years has painted such a bad picture of her to me that I couldn't help but behave differently towards the woman. but then ties dad died and they are best of friends and now. the nasty talk is all about me..

How old are your kids? How old is she and does she have any kids of her own?

Is she just trying to be an indulgent aunt?

SQueaky toy - she's 32, I'm 29, kids are seven and one. She has nokids of her own but badly wants some and yes I think She is trying to be an indulgent aunt and I try to see it from that point of view. But then I think of how upset she made me last year and stubbornly think why should I let her have what she wants when she does this to me.

I would like to say that she can come to see the kids but would rather she didn't take them out but my boyfriend will hate me, I'm not sure its fair to deny my kids and it will just give her more reason to slag me off to his family and friends. I don't feel like I have much of a choice but I really don't feel comfortable about it...

She also has this knack of making everyone feel sorry for her. She slags me off whilst somehow making herself look like the victim and then people feel sorry for her, its really weird.

Call her on it, every single time. Don't let her get away with a thing.
Aunty: Would you like sweeties children?
You: Silly Aunty X, she knows we don't eat sweeties before meals, she must have forgotten in saccharine oh aren't you stupid woman tones

Aunty: I'll take you to XYZ DD
You: Well of course, XYZ is lovely darling, but remember when aunty said she'd take you to ABC? Let's wait and see shall we, then nobody will be disappointed let again hang unsaid in the air

No matter what she says, be cool and calm, practice saying "Really?" in a questioning tone. So if she says something untrue, press her for details, then say "well I can't think where you got that idea, how strange" or "well who on earth told you that? they were much mistaken" and even laugh as if it's the silliest thing you ever heard.
If someone else repeats something she's said, just shake your head and say "well I can't think what she meant, that's not true, I shall have to ask her when I see her" totally calmly.
Once you stop rising to her fuckwittery, she'll lose interest.

It sounds like she doesn't like sharing her brother after years of him looking out for her.
I'm sorry, but sister or not, your DP should be sticking up for you in the face of such childish behaviour.

Your DP 'allowing' her to treat you like this is part of the problem I'm afraid.
She's his younger sister I suppose?

Pom bear - thankyou, I'll try that technique in future where possible but she tends to say stuff when she's on her own with them..

Gravy - yes she's younger than him and has him wound round her little finger. The trouble is when I try to talk to him he just gets angry and won't listen, its like she can do no wrong. Then he'll point out that they've lost their dad and so he won't shut his sister out now. I'm not asking him to do that tho, I just want him to have some loyalty towards me instead of letting her do what she wants and then attacking me for not wanting her around my kids..

Argh, just don't know what to do about it at all...

Well, I just couldn't be with someone who was only on my side part-time, so I don't understand why you're with him. I can't see how you can be happy with a man who would rather take his sisters side than yours.

Have you posted a thread like this before? Something about her putting you down in company, but never in front of your partner?

Callisto, I don't think I could put my children through a separation. It would really really upset them to the point where I feel it would be detrimental to her. They both dote on their dad and most of the time things are fine its just this issue with his sister. He really does believe its me causing trouble. I've told him today that I'm not comfortable with her taking my child out and he's not best pleased and we'll argue for ages now as I try to make him see the real picture. Either that or I'll have to give in just to keep the peace.
I feel like ringing her and telling her but I've tried that before and she managed to make out like I did nothing but attack her, which I didn't, I tried to sort it out.
THe whole situation is just rubbish..

Unless he changes his attitude this relationship won't work, much like relationships with men who prioritise their mothers over their wives.
He has to realise they are your kids and she has to discuss with you when they can go out with her/ when they can have sweets etc.
Are they also your boyfriends children? If not he really shouldn't be trying to tell you how to parent your kids.
It's nice she wants to be involved with your children but you need to discuss with her and your boyfriend (seperately) the fact that unless they go by your rules for your kids the relationship with her will get worse.
Children normally spend their birthdays with their parents, not aunties unless they have been asked to childmind. Maybe suggest another day she can take her out. Is their father involved at all? Most separated parents are used to relinquishing control to the other parent and accepting sometimes the other parent will have different rules.
To me this is no different to a MIL wanting to be controlling, except it's not clear if your boyfriend's sister is even related to your kids at the moment.

I see he is their dad. maybe some of the problem is that you seem very posessive about your kids as you have never called them "our kids" but always "my kids".
This is about your relationship with your boyfriend. His sister is irrelevent. He puts her first at the moment. Can you suggest she takes them out another day? You have had 2 kids with this guy so I presume in the past his attitude to his sister hasn't bothered you as much. What has changed?

I'm with Callisto - sorry. This would never work for me long term at all.

Hi the kids are my boyfriend's yes. from what he's saying now I think he may leave if I don't let her have her way. He says it me not her. Guess I'll have to see if he calls my bluff.. gutted I can't seem to do or say anything to make him see the real picture...

Your boyfriend will leave you and his children if you don't let your kids spend the day with her!!!

This whole situation sounds so twisted to me. No-one seems to be reasonable or have things in perspective.

Sounds like there is more wrong in your relationship than you suspected if he will leave you for that, unless there is more to it than you are letting on.

My brothers used to be incredibly close - they are 18 months apart and were did everything together as kids. At university the younger one met a girl that the older one has never liked. 20 years later and it is still problematic but the younger one has ALWAYS stood by his partner's side. No matter what and this is the right way around.

Your boyfriend needs to realise that he has a partner and family to protect. He has his priorities all wrong in my opinion. Can you ask to go to counselling together so that you have an objective person allowing you to discuss this properly? It just seems too awful that your family life may collapse due to the bad behaviour of someone else.

My in-laws don't like me anymore than I like them. Mu husband is stuck in the middle and I try very hard to not make him take sides. There are times when I wish he would get involved a bit more but at the end of the day, you know what the situation is and I would guarantee that it isn't going to change. You have to either live with it or get out now. I would speak to him, tell him how you feel about it and explain that you are not prepared to play her games anymore. Ask her (in front of your bf) what her plans for this day out entail, make any rules very clear and explain that if the rules are not adhered to then it will be the last time. I'd relax a little bit about things like eating something unhealthy before lunch, but make it clear to your daughter that this is because it is her birthday. I would also be very clear that any inappropriate presents will be confiscated.

He'll leave you and his kids if his sister doesn't get her own way?!

Blardy hell I'm sorry darling but you are supposed to be his priority!
I wouldn't give in if it were me tbh. Is this just how he expects you to live now? Do as you're told- or I'll leave you?
I would ask him if he wants a future with you. If so then say you need a full discussion (in private) about the disrepect he shows you (by allowing his sister to treat you like dirt) and how 'I'll leave you' in an attempt to control you is unacceptable and makes him a twat.
If he doesn't love you enough to put you before his sister then I would tell him to leave sooner rather than later.

I may suggest counselling although I have suggested this before when she's caused problems in the past but he's said we don't need it. Probably because I usually cave to keep the peace. I'm frightened of breaking up our home by persuing this. The reason I believe the two of them are like they are is because their parents split when they were younger and his sister really didn't cope with it well at all. I'm worried this would happen with mine. I also obviously love him, just feel like I'm pretty worthless in the relationship. Thankyou for all your advice and your points of view.

Through the day I've tried to reason with him but he's not interested. I've even asked my daughter what she wants and she's said she doesn't want to go out with his sister to the place they have in mind, she'd rather just go to the local next and have her buy her an outfit. This is a compromise I have offered to make, especially as its what my little girl wants but now my bf thinks I've just put words in her mouth, I cant win!

My parents were divorced when I was small. It's not abuse for your parents to spilt, it's sad, but it's life.
And a huge amount of people have split parents, i just don't buy it I'm sorry.

They both just sounds indulged children to me.
The lies, the ultimatums, the tantrums.

Do keep your kids out of it though. Fighting parents are not much fun.
I hope you sort this out, or find someone who does make you feel valued in your own relationship :(

Maybe stay at a friends/relatives for a few days to have the space to think about what you want? Just to get a break from the fighting?

I think your partner should be standing by you

Tell him to go ahead and leave, then.

Seriously. As others have said, this relationship just won't work if this continues. It's not about her, it's about him prioritising somebody outside of your immediate family and believing them over you. If he's prepared to threaten you like that... well, he sounds cut from the same childish nasty block as his sister.

Don't let him threaten you. Make it very clear that no, you don't want to split, but it is her who has the problem, and if your partner can't see that and join with you in an attempt to find out what her problem is and sort it out, then the family will split. Because of his attitude to her problem.

Stand your ground and I'll bet he'll back down. You know why? Because deep down he knows what she's doing. He knows what she's like. It's just easier to try and force you to fall in with what he's decided is going to be the way of dealing with it - which is to let her have her way. Unfortunately, letting her have her way means you being insulted and sidelined.

Don't let your children see you putting up with that, and don't let them see their dad shit on their mum for the sake of keeping a troublemaker happy. Now that is detrimental to them.