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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be thoroughly pissed off with DH's friend about this?

30 replies

ohbugrit · 13/03/2012 03:46

DH has a long distance cycle trip planned. He's invited an old friend. Old friend (P) has sort of taken over the organizing a bit but he lives near the route and it's been practical so DH hasn't said anything.

P phoned yesterday to say that he'd been speaking to his mate G who said he and his wife would like to do it too. P told him he didn't think it would be a problem and gave G dates and details of the accommodation arrangements. So it was pretty much a fait accomplis when he phoned DH.

The thing is, DH and G go back a long way and were once good mates but haven't spoken for 20 years. They drifted apart after DH got together with G's ex. There's no bad feeling but DH effectively doesn't know the guy, alone his wife. P knows all this.

DH is feeling awkward about the prospect now, and because he's an inherently shy and antisocial person this has taken the shine off things and he's a bit irked that 'his' trip had been bulldozed. But he can't say anything to P because it could cause bad feeling and it's going to make DH look like a complete git if he makes P tell G that he and his wife can't come. So the big trip DH has been looking forward to for a year is spoiled.

I'm half in a mind to phone P myself but I don't know if that would make things worse. I'm so cross with him for being so insensitive Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
ohbugrit · 13/03/2012 03:47

Well done if you actually get to the end of that Blush

OP posts:
Iheartpasties · 13/03/2012 03:54

Tell him it'll all be fine, the past is the past, and it was 20 years ago! They will be cycling so they wont even have to talk that much anyway, then I'm sure they will all be tired in the evenings. It's probably best for you H to just say staright away, sorry I havent seen you in ages, nice to meet you etc etc to the couple, get that out of th way asap, and then concentrate on enjoying this trip/cycle.

sunnydelight · 13/03/2012 03:55

Tough one. You will make your DH look spineless if you try and sort it out for him tbh. I think you need to try and encourage your DH to talk to P himself, if he can't/won't then unfortunately he'll have to just accept the situation.

Original poster
ohbugrit · 13/03/2012 04:05

I know. And if it were me I'd just try to make a positive of it. But DH is gutted, he'd originally planned this as a solo trip and invited P later because he's a close friend. P has also invited his wife to be driving back up. So as a complete aside it's turned into a WAG trip but I have to look after our DC so DH will be the gooseberry!

OP posts:
lottiegb · 13/03/2012 04:55

Well, he either has to go along with it and find a way of enjoying it, or say that he'd intended it to be a solo trip initially and, on second thoughts, would really rather return to that idea. He hopes P doesn't mind too much but as he now has a four person group set up, is bound to have a lovely time anyway.

CaoNiMa · 13/03/2012 05:20

If this is your biggest worry right now, I'd say you're doing pretty well. Sit back, take a deep breath, and ask yourself "Does this really matter?" You'll most probably find that the answer is a resounding "No".

TheSkiingGardener · 13/03/2012 06:35

It's making your DH unhappy, of course it bloody matters!

I would encourage DH to go back to the solo trip idea, even a day ahead or behind and he wouldn't have to see them. P gets his big trip that he evidently wanted and everyone's happy.

catsareevil · 13/03/2012 06:43

If he would rather go on his own then he still can. If not then he probably has to accept things as they are, as otherwise he is going to have to ask P to uninvite G+ wife, which it doesnt seem like your DH will do.
If you try to get involved in this you will make things worse, IMO.

Gumby · 13/03/2012 06:47

I'd be pissed off if I was him too

I'd say I had to work and forget the whole trip

MyHeadMightExplode · 13/03/2012 06:51

CaoNiMa - as an aside, I absolutely HATE that attitude. There's no reason to trivialise anybody's problems. They are important to them and that's all that matters. There is always someone in the world worse off than we are (however shite life might be) - does that mean we are never allowed to be upset/anxious/scared/angry?

Ohbugrit (great name btw) - I would be gutted for dh too. I hate unknown people being invited to things that you thought would be just friends. I can't offer a sensible solution but ultimately I think your dh will have to sort it out rather than you - hard I know, I would be fuming and want to phone too.

YellowDinosaur · 13/03/2012 06:51

I personally think its really out of order to invite other people onto a planned trip without making sure others already going are happy about it. Even without the backstory.

Because if your dh had originally planned a solo trip but thought it would be better to go with one close friend its a massive difference for that bloke to be bringing his wife and another couple. Even without the awkwardness of the situation its changing the trip dynamic massively.

I don't think your dh needs to say he doesn't want to see G and his wife. I think he owuld be totally reasonable to say 'look mate, I had originally planned this as a solo trip but thought it would be fun for the 2 of us to do it together. As its now spirally massively away from that plan with your wife and G / his wife coming I think I'm going to go back to my original plan and do it alone. Hope you lot have fun'. Then P can either do that or go back to the original plan of just the 2 of them.

Noone needs to get childish or silly about it or talk about not liking people - but its a completely different trip to what was planned and one your dh doesn't fancy. Sorted.

StrawberryMojito · 13/03/2012 06:51

If he really thinks that it is going to ruin his trip, then he should be honest with P and say it is not the trip he wanted and would prefer to go solo. Do it in a friendly 'no hard feelings' way. Then he should go on his own. P can hardly complain about it, he must realise he was being a bit cheeky inviting people along without checking with your DH first.

Walkinginwonderland · 13/03/2012 06:56

Yanbu.

SydSaid · 13/03/2012 07:00

YANBU. He could use the fact that it's two couples and that you cant come as a way out. Say that he would feel like a gooseberry, and that he would prefer to be alone than to feel like the outsider on the trip.

jubilee10 · 13/03/2012 07:28

If it's not what he wants he should let them go alone and arrange something else for himself. I hate it if my plans are hijacked.

RiceBurner · 13/03/2012 08:57

Yanbu

DinahMoHum · 13/03/2012 09:02

i think your dh shouldnt have said it was ok if it clearly wasnt, so its partly his own fault, and its a bit late now.

I dont like it when people say theyre ok with stuff when theyre not. Its confusing.

LydiaWickham · 13/03/2012 09:08

Are they all at the same standard of riding? I would have thought if they are waiting for others to catch up/killing themselves to keep up the pace, then it's not going to be much fun. If they've never riden together before, I'd guess they aren't going to all be to the same standard.

Get your DH to say to P that he doesn't really fancy a big group trip where they have to deal with the cycling styles of several people (which if he wanted to do, there are many organised events/cycling holidays he could join) so would prefer to just bow out if they want a group holiday. (There's nothing to stop him doing the same route a week or so later)

fatherchewylouis · 13/03/2012 09:09

I can see your and your husband's point, but, I don't think he should assume that it is now not going to be fun. If he used to be friends with this man years ago he may actually find he enjoys re-kindling the friendshup, what happenned 20 years ago is obviously all water under the bridge now.

The couples thing wouldn't bother me personally but I know many people are more sensitive about this kind of thing than I am.

I think he either needs to speak to P himself (don't you do it, that would be meddling IMHO, as much as you mean well) or he needs to stop feeling negative about it and think of it as a chance to catch up with an old friend and think positively that he might very well still enjoy himself.

LydiaWickham · 13/03/2012 09:12

oh and CaoNiMa - my stubbed toe isn't as painful as my colleague's broken knee, doesn't make my toe hurt less knowing that. A problem that isn't "about to starve/about to die" isn't the end of the world, doesn't make it any less of a problem.

Floggingmolly · 13/03/2012 09:23

I don't think he's being UR at all, actually. He planned the trip solo, later invited a good mate, and now someone he barely remembers plus both their wives (and you can't go) are coming too. They have completely hijacked the trip and turned it into something else, I'd revert to going alone if it were me.

Lightofthemoon · 13/03/2012 09:28

ohbugrit I would be really annoyed by this too.

I had this friend who I would arrange to meet for a drink and when I'd get there she'd go 'oh I hope you don't mind but I've invited such and such as they live near here'. I usually wouldn't even know the person or had only met them once or twice. This happened a few times and so I stopped seeing her. I think it's so rude to invite other people not check the other person is happy.

I think DH should bring this up with his friend and either the friend uninvites the other people or DH doesn't go.

Oh and CaoNima don't bother posting on a thread just to belittle someone else's problems, is absolutely pathetic.

sassymcnassy · 13/03/2012 09:49

I don't know how to put this in a way that doesn't sound rude...but is you husband always such a wimp? He lets other people plan everything for him, and now needs his wife to tell his friend that he's upset about arrangements?

He needs to talk to his friend, himself, like a grown up. If he planned a solo trip originally why not just go back to that plan? The others can do their own thing.

FlossieTeacakeShouldFakeIt · 13/03/2012 09:55

Your dh has a choice here.

He can decide to make the best of it and risk enjoying it.
He can decide to tell his friend that he's not happy and risk looking like a numpty.
He can decide to not go, and ensure that he misses out.

It's all about attitude. If he goes,he needs to make the best of it. It's an open event, not 'his' trip, and there being a couple of other people to talk to when not cycling cant make that big a difference to his enjoyment unless he wants it to.

It's irritating, but there's no point in making more out of it than needs be. If he hadn't made it clear to his friend that he wanted it to just be the two of them, then there is no reason to be pissed off at the friend. All he did was tell his plans to someone else who decided to join in.

bonkersLFDT20 · 13/03/2012 10:01

My DH is rather like yours and he would be very, very upset and disappointed.

YANBU.

You need to let him fight his own battles though.

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