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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away and tell them both to F off

30 replies

mustresisttemptation · 12/03/2012 23:27

Ok this is very long and complicated but I will try and be brief.

I split up with my ex...lets call him TOM 10 years ago we have a DS (13). Over the last year my DS has become very withdrawn and quiet. It turns out TOM has been telling him I am a prostitute, I wanted an abortion when I was pregnant with DS, I prefer my DD (2) to him etc etc..

I spoke with my DS who begged me not to tell TOM I knew what had been said, because TOM would not want to see him any more.....so I kept quiet and advised DS to tell TOM that his little talks upset him and he was there to visit his dad not talk about me.

TOM had not seen DS since before xmas and finally decided to see him in the middle of February. DS decided it would be a 'good idea' to bring his xbox back without telling TOM, as he had been told it may be 2 weeks before he sees him again.......thats when all mother of sh*tstorms broke loose.

TOM not only forced his way into my home for the xbox, but punched me in the face, called his son a f*cking thief and said he never wanted to see him again or pay child support. Later I actually managed to record him (twice) saying how if a child support letter came through his door I would have my face sliced open.

Obviously I called the police, and contacted the CSA, (turns out he has only paid half what he is supposed to for the last 10 years). TOM now has an harassment order against him and I have a DV marker on my home in case he turns up.......but it gets better....

Turns out that since this...TOM and his gf have phoned SS saying I leave my children alone at night, DWP saying I have someone living with me, (I wish), and my work making serious allegations against me....I have actually been suspended as the job I do involves Data Protection and they have to investigate any complaint.

Before all this kicked off I split with my recent other half...lets call him HARRY...we have a 2 year old DD....

He has not only spent valentines evening with TOM, discussing me, (whilst my DS was there plotting to take his xbox), but refused to pay any Child support till today and said he does not want to see his DD because he needs a life....wtf!

HARRY lives 3 streets away in a small village, so it's pretty hard to avoid him and DD keeps asking if Daddy is at work!

HARRY has now gone round telling everyone he knows that I won't let him see DD and painting himself out to be superdad. I have even had the police round because he has said I am threatening him.....untrue...I did however (in temper) plaster all over facebook that he didn't want to see his daughter.

I have had enough, I am ready to take the kids and move someplace nobody knows me, and I don't have to deal with the pair of them...after all TOM + HARRY = DICK to the power of 2

OP posts:
rhondajean · 12/03/2012 23:32

Bloooooody hell.

No answer but couldn't post and run. Bless, you have been through the wars.

It's their loss when your lovely kids grow up and don't want anything to do with them and they are sad lonely old men.

pictish · 12/03/2012 23:33

Yanbu. Sounds like a plan to me!

MIssMarplesSideKick · 12/03/2012 23:38

I had a fucked up ex similar to your two. Walk away I say if they don't want to see the kids thank your lucky stars.

Original poster
mustresisttemptation · 12/03/2012 23:40

I am actually exhausted by it all...can't sleep, eat and the fact that I can't even go back to work has really got me down. I am so run down and to add to it all HARRY has now said that because I got our daughter some new clothes using his La Redoute account, whilst we were still together last year, he is going to tell them I didn't have his permission and I did it fraudulently......I am so sick and tired of the endless mind games. I can deal with one at a time or even when HARRY and TOM did tag team up for a while....but both from different directions....It's draining me.

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 12/03/2012 23:42

This comes across as a complete nightmare. No wonder you feel like you have had enough, who wouldn't. These people sound violent and horrible. I cannot imagine how hard it has been for you and your kids. I'm sure MNetters more knowledgable than I am will be along with links to supportive agencies and useful suggestions, but can you get away with your DCs for a few days, stay with relatives/friends? It sounds like you're overwhelmed by people's actions/sayings/doings (and being physically attacked!) and maybe it would be a good thing to get some distance in order to think for a bit? I hope you and yours are safe right now. I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this, and I hope you and you DS and DD are ok.

MIssMarplesSideKick · 12/03/2012 23:50

Have nothing to do with either of them now, they don't want the kids.

I think moving or a holiday sounds like a good idea, don't answer your phone to the two dicks!

Kleptronic · 12/03/2012 23:57

Cut yourself out of their games - hard I know, but you're shattered with it all, don't feed the trolls, because that is what they are, RL trolls. Work will go through the process, and then you'll go back. Whatever they are saying, if it's not a fact yet, it hasn't happened, they are, as you say, playing mind games. Try to disengage, and eat something, and try to sleep. All power to you.

GrahamTribe · 12/03/2012 23:57

I'd sure move. Something that occurs to me is this, whatever you do don't put anything on FB that could be used against you, no matter how angry you are. Aside from the obvious, anything you write which could be viewed as unpleasant, regardless of how true it is, might see you reported to the police for harassment or a breach of the Public Order Act. It's an offence to write anything, including online, which your ex/s could claim causes them alarm, fear or distress. I paraphrase but that's the gist of it.

WRT the allegation of fraud, surely that's his word against yours and the ex would look pretty dumb reporting it after all this time? I'm pretty sure he'd stand no chance of being taken seriously on that, I wouldn't worry about it, he's just trying to be an asshole and distress you.

Original poster
mustresisttemptation · 12/03/2012 23:58

Thankfully I have parents who live in Somerset and Essex respectively. They have both asked me if I want to go down for a few days but I'll be honest....I haven't lived at home since I was 16 (now 33) and the prospect of staying with them whilst I am in such an annoyed state fills me with dread....I really don't need their 'helpful' advice...

I have lived in my village for 10 years and have a really close network of friends, but normally I am quite a private person and don't want them to feel as though I am being a burden....I have only posted on here because I feel if I don't get it out I am going to go insane.

A move would not faze me as I spent most of my childhood moving across the country, it's mainly the 13 yr old. I would feel so guilty about moving away from his friends. Then again I am going to pull him out of his current school because it is under performing...Oh sod it I will give it a month if it is no better then off we go.

OP posts:
MIssMarplesSideKick · 13/03/2012 00:06

Make the decision soon, is the 13 year old year 9? gcse next year if so.

Original poster
mustresisttemptation · 13/03/2012 00:11

He is Yr 8 at the moment so ideal for not interrupting his studies / GCSE choices. If I stay another year or two, I will be stuck.

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 13/03/2012 00:20

Short term, time away (and offline away) might be helpful in giving you space to think it all through. You don't have to decide the medium/long term right now, this minute. You have coped with the immediate crisis, and fucking fair play to you, it must have taken so much out of you dealing with this shit, but you have dealt. The key is, whatever you decide, have a plan in place, be prepared, as far as you can be; running is hard when there's no destination, staying sounds like it would be hard with these arseholes in your vicinity, but whatever you decide I hope you get some support. This is what friends are for, if they can't be arsed, they're not real friends. I think you will find your way; after all, you have been already.

Kleptronic · 13/03/2012 00:30

I did not mean that to sound trite and crap. Only saying you've dealt with such fucking shite already, you can do the rest of this. Take care of yourself.

CaoNiMa · 13/03/2012 05:16

Time to call Jezza K, I think.

akaemmafrost · 13/03/2012 07:25

caonima what a nasty response Hmm.

OP, I've got ONE ex like this and he drove me to a breakdown. You wouldn't see me and my dc for dust if I had two. Get gone. Poor you and your poor dc Sad.

lisad123 · 13/03/2012 07:37

It's really not good for the kids, having these two idiots anywhere near them an def not for you either. I would move.

Bloodymary · 13/03/2012 07:54

OMIFG Shock You have not 1, but 2 cretins on your case.
As someone up thread has already said I felt exhausted just reading your post.
I would say yes, leave.

PinkPeanuts · 13/03/2012 07:57

I would move. So many people in your situation don't even have the option to do so. Take advantage of the fact that you do and remove yourself from these vile people.

BillyBollyBandy · 13/03/2012 08:01

Move - stuff 'em. And as someone said up thread, be grateful they want nothing to do with your dc. Particularly your ds' father.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 13/03/2012 08:49

Pick a parent and go home. Use home as a base, and move as far away as you can! I've heard that the Shetlands are lovely at this time of year!

RabidEchidna · 13/03/2012 09:10

Woah you sure know how to pick um.

Move, just move your children deserve better

mum47 · 13/03/2012 09:22

I would get to your solicitor - tell them everything and get some good advice so that you can think a bit more clearly - maybe have them write to both Dicks in no uncertain terms about their behaviour. I understand your desire to run but you can bet that if you do both Dicks will suddenly decide that you have done it to stop them seeing their children and will use this as another reason to get at you. I have done a lot of family law work over the years, and there is such a pattern of men behaving like this. Nothing you say or do will persuade them that they are acting unreasonably, esp now the two of them are in cahoots, and regardless of how it might affect the children. I'd think seriously about going but also be aware that moving probably won't mean that the end of things. Also there will be the "your mother moved away and prevented me from seeing you" accusations to the children in the future. Good luck, and yes, you - and your children - do deserve better.

treadwarily · 13/03/2012 09:26

Oh dear. Thank goodness they have both moved out and want little contact with the children.

I agree with Kleptronic, you really need to disengage. If they're not seeing the children, then there is no need for any communication at all. And the less you give out, the less they can serve back. So no phonecalls, texts, visits or emails.

Wow TOM is quite crazy, isn't he. I wonder if, when you've been cleared of everything, if you might obtain copies of the reports (from your employer etc) and that they could be basis of non-contact order, should you need it.

i don't know about moving. Sounds like a great idea, but also a big stress when you're already dealing with so much. Same with moving your ds to new school. Maybe one thing at a time...

For now keep your beautiful kids close, they are worth fighting this battle. You will get through this and more.

LoveHandles88 · 13/03/2012 11:11

I would definitely move as soon as possible far far away. I would also absolutely start choosing better men in the future!! How awful they both sound.
Move, arrange a contact centre if they choose in the future they want to see their children.
What a pair of absolute bumholes.

ujjayi · 13/03/2012 11:23

Agree with mum47 - you need legal advice. Dick 1 is harassing you in all elements of your life and needs to be stopped. The extent to which he is prepared to go means you need to regain some control because where will it stop?

Dick 2 is well, a dick and you are better off without him.

Yes, move and start again. Your poor DS does not need such a toxic and vile parent in his life. And as for your poor DD - if her dad "needs a life" let him have it without her.