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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am I or is DH over sleeping habits?

72 replies

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 12/03/2012 20:52

DH is a night owl and would prefer to stay up til half 11ish every night. I like to get to sleep around half 10 as I am always the one who gets up with the dc every morning. I don't mind this as DH gets up later and I then go back to bed for an hour at the weekend, so that bit is fine.
He thinks I should be able to get to sleep with his reading light on and pages rustling etc whereas I've told him I need it to be dark and silent for me to sleep.
On the nights where he has decided to have an early night he starts bloody snoring within seconds so almost every night I take myself off to the spare room.
DH has now started muttering about how we should be in the same bed since we are married and says I am selfish for expecting him to go to sleep exactly when I want to.
I think he is selfish for wanting me to stay awake longer than I want to when I'm knackered and put up with sleepless nights listening to him snore when it took me 19 months to get DS to sleep through.

OP posts:

Honeydragon · 12/03/2012 22:19

Another separate sleeper here. It stemmed from my working nights and dh doing earlys - but I like my space to sleep and dh likes being able to sleep through without being kicked in the shins when he snores

I also cannot sleep with a t in the room, even when it is off, whereas dh likes to watch tv in bed ill he dozes off.

Like others on here we are fine and happy with it. But get a few looks when people find out.

UANBU - lack of sleep breeds resentment, I know your dh misses you, can you not convince him to get cuddles in during daylight hours?

OTheHugeManatee · 12/03/2012 22:21

Sympathy OP. My OH faffs about for ages then comes upstairs, clatters around and - once I'm properly awake - goes instantly to sleep with a snore like falling timber. Thank God for spare rooms sometimes

PastGrace · 12/03/2012 22:27

My whole family are a no-bed-before-midnight type family. DP doesn't mind going to bed late but still gets up early. That is fine. Sometimes if he is working late I take myself off to bed and read/enjoy sleeping with the whole bed to myself.

If I am working late, on the other hand, DP will sit and watch me and say every ten minutes "are you nearly finished?". It's like having a toddler. The other night I actually sent him to bed (as in "DP, it is late, you look tired. Please go and lie in bed and listen to the radio/watch TV/read") and he said "but I don't like going to sleep without you" . I eventually cajoled him into bed, and settled back to work. Ten minutes later he was sodding back in the doorway looking like a useless child nagging me to hurry up because he was lonely.

I'll happily trade for hairdryer loving, sleep talking, snoring DPs/DHs if it stops me feeling like his mother on the odd occasion I genuinely do have work to do.

BibiBlocksberg · 12/03/2012 22:32

I'm sorry OP I have nothing useful to add other than to share my mirth @ 'noisy arse warming and handing around drinks'

Sounds almost like a very strange bar, not a bedroom :)

DrCoconut · 12/03/2012 23:36

I guess we're the opposite. DH seems to need a large amount of sleep and could sleep through the end of the world once he is out cold which is more or less instantly. He also snores which is a more recent development and he won't go to the Dr either. I have had a really screwed up sleep cycle since my pregnancy insomnia with DS2 started on 23rd Dec 2010 (see I even remember when it was!). I can't sleep if I go to bed early and anyway I have never got everything done that I have to do until quite late. Between the DS's and the house plus catching up with work related matters I am usually quite busy. DH can't accept this because he can happily just leave everything because I will end up doing it and be snoring away by 9:30 and doesn't see why I have a problem with sleeping. I try to stay downstairs but eventually do go up. DS2 still wakes at night and I'm BF so it is me that gets to see to him usually while DH is still snoring away. Then he is moaning about how tired he is etc because he gets up at 6am. I'd kill for 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, not moan about it not being 10! We mostly agree but there is sometimes discussion about how the day doesn't end at 9 just because he takes it upon himself to go to bed vs. how he needs more sleep.

DumSpiroSpero · 12/03/2012 23:39

PastGrace - I would have to drug DH or knock him out if he did that - it would drive me mental

bibbityisaporker · 12/03/2012 23:41

Dh and I sleep separately a lot of the time. I am a bit of an insomniac and if I wake in the night I have no chance of getting back to sleep unless I can put on the light and read for an hour or so. He snores something rotten. We would both be miserable if we had to sleep together all night every night.

Pandemoniaa · 12/03/2012 23:48

I dream (quite literally) of the joy of separate beds in separate rooms. I'd truly love an arrangement where I could sleep without a hot person gradually rolling over to my side of the bed then, to top things off, throwing a hot arm over me as I struggle to find an inch or so of room in which to sleep. I cannot stand being cuddled in the night, let alone breathed on either.

I really think that if anyone has incompatible sleep habits they should be able to sleep separately. It doesn't mean an end to intimacy but you are far more likely to feel like being intimate if you aren't sleep deprived. So no, OP, YANBU.

TwllBach · 13/03/2012 03:38

Sorry everyone, I posted then ran away to cut the hairdryer cable

My DP isn't the one that dries himself with the hair dryer, although I did read that thread. He does, however, use it as an instant heat source. We live in north Wales, not Kamchatka

I'm glad everyone else thinks it's odd, he thinks it's normal and has gradually worn me down over the years and gone through several hairdryers

We do have the heating on, btw. And he has access to hot drinks and, indeed, jumpers.

DumSpiroSpero · 13/03/2012 07:42

Twll - have you thought about getting an electric blanket with separate controls for each side?

My MIL popped round a while back and afterwards called my mum to mention in hushed and horrified tones "Do you realise that Spiro sometimes sleeps in the spare bedroom?"

It's a complete non-issue to me as my parents have always had separate rooms - originally due to my Dad being a postie and having to get up at silly o'clock or do night shifts and now because they're used to it and both are terrible sleepers individually, let alone together.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/03/2012 07:49

YANBU
We only share a bed 50% of the time due to DH being nocturnal and me being insomniac. We still have plenty of sex. It is a shame, I'd like to go to sleep next to my husband every night but we are just wired differently when it comes to sleep.

Ragwort · 13/03/2012 08:00

I agree that sharing a bed is incredibly difficult - I am amazed that so many people can sleep in the same bed. We sleep separately at least 75% of the time, despite having a six foot bed . I don't care if people think its odd, I only want 5-6 hours sleep a night and I can't unless I am on my own. Last night just for the sake of 'pretending' we did share the bed, both of us lay awake for hours. Grrrrrrrrrrr ..........

diddl · 13/03/2012 08:10

If he wants to read in bed & it disturbs you-why can´t he read in the spare room?

I love to read in bed, but it doesn´t disturb my husband, otherwise I wouldn´t do it.

I also prefer it to be dark to sleep, but have found that I can sleep with husband´s bedside light on-rather than him stumble around in the dark when he comes up.

Likewise if he goes up first, he leaves my light on.

ErnesttheBavarian · 13/03/2012 08:19

def kindle and small book light, and poss ear plugs for you.

Floggingmolly · 13/03/2012 11:35

You're not being unreasonable in principle, but 11.30ish doesn't really give him night owl status, so you're possibly just a bit U to expect the household to shut down at 10.30 every night?

TwllBach · 13/03/2012 11:36

We already have one Spiro, and it is on all the time

This is the only time I have ever seen something odd posted on MN where another poster hasn't piped up saying, "yes, my DP does that too"

I am alone in an ever expanding sea of dead hairdryers.

Ephiny · 13/03/2012 12:45

DP and I sleep in separate rooms most nights for this reason - I go to bed early and get up early, he stays up a bit later and doesn't need to be up as early. Also I think we both sleep better alone, most people do (also he snores).

He truly would not dare come in and make noise, turn lights on, talk to me without a very good reason when I'm asleep, the very thought is outrageous!

The hairdryer thing is 100% weird. Though on cold mornings I do like drying my hair because it warms me up...so can kind of see his reasoning....

jinsei · 13/03/2012 12:47

You're not being unreasonable in principle, but 11.30ish doesn't really give him night owl status, so you're possibly just a bit U to expect the household to shut down at 10.30 every night?

But I don't think the op is expecting the whole household to shut down, is she? She just wants to get some sleep. I don't think her DH can have it both ways - if he wants them to share a bed, then he has to ensure that his behaviour does not prevent the op from getting the sleep that she needs. If he can't or won't change his nighttime behaviour, then he should accept that the op needs to de-camp to the spare room.

buttonmoon78 · 13/03/2012 12:55

This is why I would never ever have a tv in the bedroom. DH would turn it on and then fall asleep leaving me to get woken up at 2am to turn it off

Otherwise it's ok - pages etc don't bother me

And the hairdryer? What on earth's that about?!

Sillyshell · 13/03/2012 13:08

Makes me so much better to know that DH and myself arent the only couple playing musical beds every evening!

Think we've only managed to sleep in the same bed a handful of times since we've been together. Everyone I know thinks it's odd but at least I now it's not just us.

DH is a snorer too, plus has no concept of being quiet when I'm already in bed.

DoIgetastickerforthat · 13/03/2012 17:47

Another 'separated from spouse sleeper' here. DH needs very little sleep and goes to bed late and wakes up at stupid o'clock however, he sleeps like the dead. I on the otherhand need loads of sleep but suffer from insomnia and night terrors...oh and particularly acute case of small child syndrome and need to go to bed reasonably early and get a few good hours in before the infant botherer's pipe up.

We still manage the odd bunk up and I'm convinced we would have been divorced by now if we had slept in the same bed for much longer- takes all sorts.

skybluepearl · 13/03/2012 18:42

getting enough sleep has top be the number one priority and a basic requirement, far more important than him reading for pleasure. he can do that anywhere at anytime - unlike sleeping

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