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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ignore my friends about this?

35 replies

HappyAndIKnowit · 12/03/2012 15:48

I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man - he's my soulmate

My stbDH has an 11 year old daughter who spends every other week living with us - she spends the other week with her mum, who is a nightmare (and a totally different story), but I don't have anything to do with that. Me and my stbDSD get on really well - we go shopping together, watch movies, have a laugh and I love her dearly

My stbDH is a brilliant Dad; and his DD is the centre of his world, which is one of the reasons I love him so much. Thing is, one or two of my DF don't think he is good for me and they are starting to get me down.

stbDH has a flexible working arrangement so that he can pick his DD up from school and they can do things like go cycling, swimming etc together. DD used to go to her mums every day after school, and get picked up later, but stbDH changed it a few months ago. On the days his DD is with us, he leaves for work really early, and I make sure that she is ready for school and drive her there to drop her off before I go to work - I cleared it with my boss as I sometimes arrive at work a few minutes late, but he was fine about it.
The other weeks, when DD isn't with us, stbDH stays at work for longer to make up the hours.

One of my DF said that I'm being taken for granted because since this arrangement started, I cook most nights when I get home from work, and I do most of the cleaning and laundry as well - stbDH doesn't like doing housework when DD is around because it's boring for her. When she's not here, stbDH working, so I do the shopping & cleaning in the evenings. DF said that she doesn't think that it is right that I hardly get any time on my own with stbDH without DD; but I don't mind, she's lovely to have around.
My DF's also think he's taking the piss by expecting me to do the morning school run so that he can get out of work early and have fun with DD those weeks. Thing is, it's not as if stbDH has told me I have to do these things - we talked about it, and it seemed like the best solution to the problem so I agreed.

I know I should ignore them, but they were right about a things in my first marriage that became a problem later, and a little bit of me is wondering if they are right this time, too

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2012 15:55

Well I was with you all the way and about to advise you tell your 'friends' to butt out and mind their own...as long as you're all happy.

Then I read stbDH doesn't like doing housework when DD is around because it's boring for her and nearly fell off my chair playing the world's smallest violin!

What chores/housework is his DD given to do?

And couldn't they do them at the same time?

It's not healthy for her to not see her Dad doing housework.

nizlopi · 12/03/2012 15:56

If you don't feel like you're being taken advantage of, why do you give a shit what your friends think? Just say 'No, thats not the case' and change the subject.

Although, I will say that from how you're talking about him, you seem to have those rose tinted glasses firmly in place, so even if he was taking the piss, you wouldn't know.

ItWasThePenguins · 12/03/2012 16:00

As long as you're happy with the arrangements then ignore them. Who cares as long as you're happy?!

MeltedChocolate · 12/03/2012 16:01

It's no one else business. I hope that DP's DFs don't say things like this to him or I will never have anyone I constantly have DS.

I understand that he wants to spend his time with his DD with her constantly but at some point she does need to learn to do chores as well and it would be good for her to see her dad getting involved, but that is your business.

peugotgringo · 12/03/2012 16:02

On the weeks stbDSD is staying with you, can you not finish work early and get to do the 'good stuff' either with both of them or on your own with her? Would he be happy with that arrangement if your work allowed it?

It sounds like your friends have been so for some time if they were around for first marriage. Have they ever said anything negative about your stbDH before?

I have to say, from what you've put it does sound like you are getting the shitty end of the stick but if you're happy they have to be happy for you.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/03/2012 16:02

Well you are right about mOst of it but your DH really needs to do his fair share of housework whether his dd is there or not. If he only had her 2 days a fortnight I would get it but he has her 50% of the time. Full time parents don't avoid doing housework when their kIds are about. It is also a very bad message to teach her, that woman does all housework and man just has fun!

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 12/03/2012 16:02

I was with you until we talked about it, and it seemed like the best solution to the problem so I agreed
Who came up with the perfect solution? you or him, or you both together? Did you agree because you were afraid of what would happen if you didn't?
If you genuinely don't mind and are perfectly happy with the arrangements as they are at present, then keep on with them as you are, it's nobodies business but yours and your fiance's. If however, you felt in any way obliged to agree for whatever reason, then maybe it needs a bit more thought.
That said, it won't be forever after all, if she's 11 now she'll be independent in just a few years anyway. And in some ways "taken for granted" can be a nice thing, your fiance trusts that you have his DDs best interests at heart and you say you love her, which is a good thing.
He needs to do some housework though - you take his DD somewhere, or do things with her at home while he cleans something If you're good enough to collect her and chauffeur her about, you're good enough to do fun stuff with her too.

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2012 16:03

And WRT her Mum 'being a nightmare'

I can imagine she's not too chuffed with her ex either given the fact he runs around after his DD so much, he won't do housework in case it 'bores' her.

Actually, I'm chuckling to myself now cos that's the most original excuse I've ever heard

At least it's original...

PurplePidjin · 12/03/2012 16:05

If it works and you're happy, keep the arrangement.

It does sound like she's treated like a guest in your home, though. 11 is plenty old enough to learn about household responsibilities, why not include her so that jobs are done faster and you can all do fun stuff together?

SilentBoob · 12/03/2012 16:05

A little voice is telling you to listen to your friends. I think you should listen to the little voice.

LydiaWickham · 12/03/2012 16:06

Well, first of all, if you are marrying a man with a child, then you are going to be her step mother, part of her family and it's perfectly normal that a step mother would do school runs in the morning, that's not taking advantage at all, that's just the reality of joining a family rather than just being a couple (and I'm assuming your Friend has only ever been in relationships with men with no commitments).

Secondly, the cleaning -that's not acceptable, your DSD is living at your house, not visiting it, so she should be exposed to how the household runs, its a home, not a hotel. Your DH should be doing 50% of the chores. So what if it's dull, life can be dull. (Or you could hire a cleaner)

And thirdly, not getting any time alone, couples with children don't tend to get tonnes of time alone, again, you've picked a man with a child, you can't expect him to put her in a box somewhere and just be like you have no responsibilities. However, I would make sure you are getting some time for the two of you, how often do you get out for a date? On the weeks she's not there, how late is 'late working' for him, do you not get a couple of hours in the evenings together?

tabulahrasa · 12/03/2012 16:07

I'm a bit about not doing housework while she's there because it's boring tbh - housework is boring, but it still needs to be done and if she's there half the time it's her home and she should get normal family life housework included. Especially if you're having to do it instead, I'd be worried about what else you're going to be expected to pick up the slack on while he's busy being a Disney dad.

Her being there 50% of the time is just what you sign up for if someone already has a child IMO and you doing the school run because it suits better is not to me a big issue, yes I suppose you could insist that she's not yours so you shouldn't have to do it - but if it's just easier for you to do it I don't see why that's a problem.

UtherTheTerrible · 12/03/2012 16:07

I think it's unfair of you do the majority of the housework and cleaning every other week because it's boring for his DD when he has to do it. I don't see how it's boring tbh, it gets done and she can do something with you or help with the cooking or something like that. Are you happy to do shoulder the burden for years and years without feeling any resentment?

You do a hell of a lot for him. If it's what you want then that's okay. But it just strikes me that you're doing a lot of the hard work and facilitating him being able to do all of the fun, quality-time parts. It's an awfully nice arrangement for him while you're making a lot of the sacrifices.

I'm a bit of a people-pleaser and way too giving sometimes, and although I may be wrong I feel there's a bit of that going on in your situation.

peugotgringo · 12/03/2012 16:10

I think I missed the bit about housework boring the DD

When any children, no matter who they belong to in the family/friends are in my house and there are chores to be done EVERYONE has to do them.

Doesn't stop any of them coming back either!!! (I must try harder )

HerRoyalNotness · 12/03/2012 16:10

It sounds like he gets all the fun and none of the chores associated with having a child. It may be okay in the short term, but long term it could start to grate. I know it would for me.

BlueFergie · 12/03/2012 16:10

Seems to me your DH is using DD as an excuse to gt out of doing his share. Worried she'll be bored? 11 year old should be well capable of entertaining herself while her father runs a Hoover around or sticks dinner on. Does she have to have an adult entertaining her 24/7?
Yes I think he's taking the piss and you are so besotted with him you are buying his bullshit excuses.

PosiePumblechook · 12/03/2012 16:15

So your friends who love you and have no vested interest in you being unhappy have expressed concern about you being taken advantage of, you have lovely friends. It must have been difficult for them to tell you, is there anything about what they've said that you understand or can see why?

BlueFergie · 12/03/2012 16:15

How would he and his DD cope if he was single? What would he do without you to skivvy for him? Would he not do any housework or would DSD just have to put up with a little boredom in her life?

BackforGood · 12/03/2012 16:17

What Worra said in the first reply.

TheFeministsWife · 12/03/2012 16:23

Well I don't really like housework and neither does DH but hey it has to be done sometime. I think he's definitely taking the piss there. His daughter is 11, she lives with you 2 weeks out of every month she should definitely being doing chores. My almost 9 year old and 5 year old do chores and I'm a SAHM! Think you need to have a talk with your DP there, what's going to happen in the future if you have a baby? Is he not going to do any housework then because he doesn't like it?

I think dropping your DSD off at school is fair enough though. Your helping to co-parent and that's just what you're doing by taking on school runs.

oldraver · 12/03/2012 16:23

I think they have a point, but its up to you if you agree with this arrangment. I reckon a year or so of this and you will soon pissed off with doing all the work and him getting off to do fun things while you cook clean etc.

What would he of done had he of not had you to help do all the shit work ?

peugotgringo · 12/03/2012 16:24

Happy You say you are engaged to be married, is the date set yet??

Sorry, the more I think about your post, the more I think you need to listen to your friends.

DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 16:27

i think it sounds like hes taking the piss a bit, and youll probably get bored of doing the chores so they can have fun without you eventually, but if you dont mind, and hed be ok about it if you changed your mind in the future, then go for your life.
If it doesnt bother you, i guess you cant make it bother you, but i dont think your friends are being unreasonable

QuintessentialyHollow · 12/03/2012 16:30

I was totally with you until I read the sentence that neither your dp nor his daughter is expected to do any chores, and you do all, because they dont find it fun....

What the actual Fuck.

Is she on a pedestal or what, and you a skivvy?

GrahamTribe · 12/03/2012 16:31

Isn't the acid test obvious? Happy, the answer is to have a child of your own. Then you tell your DP that you can't possibly do any housework as it's too boring for your child. Then come back and tell us how long he hangs around.

Marrying this man would be a big mistake.

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