Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to ignore my friends about this?

35 replies

HappyAndIKnowit · 12/03/2012 15:48

I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man - he's my soulmate

My stbDH has an 11 year old daughter who spends every other week living with us - she spends the other week with her mum, who is a nightmare (and a totally different story), but I don't have anything to do with that. Me and my stbDSD get on really well - we go shopping together, watch movies, have a laugh and I love her dearly

My stbDH is a brilliant Dad; and his DD is the centre of his world, which is one of the reasons I love him so much. Thing is, one or two of my DF don't think he is good for me and they are starting to get me down.

stbDH has a flexible working arrangement so that he can pick his DD up from school and they can do things like go cycling, swimming etc together. DD used to go to her mums every day after school, and get picked up later, but stbDH changed it a few months ago. On the days his DD is with us, he leaves for work really early, and I make sure that she is ready for school and drive her there to drop her off before I go to work - I cleared it with my boss as I sometimes arrive at work a few minutes late, but he was fine about it.
The other weeks, when DD isn't with us, stbDH stays at work for longer to make up the hours.

One of my DF said that I'm being taken for granted because since this arrangement started, I cook most nights when I get home from work, and I do most of the cleaning and laundry as well - stbDH doesn't like doing housework when DD is around because it's boring for her. When she's not here, stbDH working, so I do the shopping & cleaning in the evenings. DF said that she doesn't think that it is right that I hardly get any time on my own with stbDH without DD; but I don't mind, she's lovely to have around.
My DF's also think he's taking the piss by expecting me to do the morning school run so that he can get out of work early and have fun with DD those weeks. Thing is, it's not as if stbDH has told me I have to do these things - we talked about it, and it seemed like the best solution to the problem so I agreed.

I know I should ignore them, but they were right about a things in my first marriage that became a problem later, and a little bit of me is wondering if they are right this time, too

OP posts:

Hebiegebies · 12/03/2012 16:33

It all sounds great, but it is important that your DSD does some chores and sees her dad doing chores. It will become a big problem in a year or two if you don't change that
Otherwise you seem to be a great step mum to be

Hopandaskip · 12/03/2012 16:36

I went to uni with a girl who had never done chores. She had zero experience in looking after herself. Her mother drove several hours once a week to wash her clothes, buy her groceries (we had kitchenettes for times when meals weren't convenient or you had a guest) and prepare/cook them. Tidy/clean her room, make her bed etc. She read a magazine or chatted with friends while her mother did this.

Her parents did her no favours by letting her out of 'boring' chores. I wonder if her mother is still doing her housework.

PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 12/03/2012 16:36

I think doing the school run is fine, no problem there. However you doing all the housework because it is boring is the biggest load of bollocks I have ever heard. What about giving DSD some chores or letting her entertain herself while you DP does his share. Surely she has homework to be getting on with?

I think your DSD needs to be treated as one of the family and therefore exposed to a normal routine. Does her mother only do housework every other week? If you have your own DC what will happen then, no housework ever gets done in case they are bored?

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 12/03/2012 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

handbagCrab · 12/03/2012 16:45

Op, listen to your friends.

It's not ok that you do 100% of the housework. You're obviously very nice but it sounds as if you're being taken advantage of.

What do you think would happen if you married your fiancé and had another child?

clippityclop · 12/03/2012 16:48

Sounds as though you have a lovely relationship with DSD. You should encourage her to help yourself (setting tables, putting rubbish out, helping with cooking etc.) and your chap should do his share alongside you. If she's going to have a sense of 'home' in your house she needs to see you working together to get the stuff done. It needn't be 'boring'. You need to get this sorted before she hits the teenage years.

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/03/2012 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HappyAndIKnowit · 12/03/2012 16:56

Thank you for all your advice

It's unlikely we'll have DC's , which is why it's so nice to have stbDD around so much

DD's mum makes her do quite a bit at her house; which is one of the reasons stbDH thinks DD should have fun with us rather than do chores - I don't know all the ins and outs but stbDH says that his ex treats DD like a slave
I know that DD mum has said to stbDH in the past that she thinks that he puts DD on a pedestal - you're not her, are you QuintessentialyHollow

We've not set a date for the wedding yet - we're going to move house and things first, so it might be a year or so, I think - I can't wait though!

I love my DF's dearly, and they've been so supportive - we've been a little group since school, and all shared each others ups and downs. They were really pleased that I was so happy when I met stbDH, but we don't really mix as couples so they've only met him in passing, really - but some of the things they said when we met up recently and we were chatting were a bit upsetting - but some people on here have said the same thing, so maybe they have a point

I might see if I can finish work early some days and go home with them, i'd enjoy that

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 12/03/2012 17:00

So that's why your DP doesn't want your DSD to do the cleaning, now why doesn't he have to do it?

peugotgringo · 12/03/2012 17:10

My own DH was a bit like that when his DD came to ours, until I pointed out that it's part of growing up and that she laid it on thick about having to do chores etc - having said that my DSD is not much of a darling if truth be told so I can't judge yours by my own.

And I'm sorry, I know I'll get jumped on for this, but I don't understand long engagements unless an actual date has been set. It just screams non commitment to me. He asked you to marry him (presumably) to keep you sweet but no date has been set despite you not being able to wait?

I also find it strange that you haven't done couples with your friends when you are so committed to your relationship - why haven't you??

Flip

1 2