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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be panicking about this meeting with ExH?

37 replies

mrscoleridge · 12/03/2012 10:23

Just wanted to try and get a bit of perspective on this as have tendency to worry myself into a frenzy. Short history- separated for 3 years live in family home with kids as ex moved out after his affair. History of me not being v good with money which he blames for end of marriage. He earns lots more than me and pays mortgage.

Anyway he wants to meet to move things on with the divorce and he is not happy that I have used a joint account attached to the mortgage to bail myself out. I cannot put the account into my name alone as that would mean remortgage and big costs plus doubt could get one at moment.

Am worried that meeting will become a row about me being hopeless and will lead to him wanting to know all my personal finances again although have exchanged them through sols before.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
AKMD · 12/03/2012 10:26

So you have taken money from a joint account for your own personal use? And that joint account is used to pay your joint mortgage?

YABVU, selfish and childish.

trustissues75 · 12/03/2012 10:26

Hm, sounds a little like my ex (who I hope to never really have to see again since he's in the states) He sounds like a bit of a bully/controler. How about suggesting you only meet to talk about these things with a relate counselor on hand? That way there's someone impartial there to help steer things away from blaming and shaming and towards reasonable discussion?

trustissues75 · 12/03/2012 10:28

Quick question though...the joint account...while you have been using it has he been putting money into it? Because if he has and you've been using it without discussing it with him you really need to stop, immediately (is this man paying any child support to you?)

lucidlady · 12/03/2012 10:30

Hello. I think it might involve a discussion about you using money that you shouldn't have been. I'm assuming you have an offset mortgage? Why did you need to bail yourself out?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2012 10:30

If you feel this way run the divorce through a solicitor rather than face to face. It'll cost you far more but everyone will know where they stand. In the meantime, put a stop on the joint account.... doesn't sound like what you've been doing is honest.

Original poster
mrscoleridge · 12/03/2012 10:32

Think the counsellor idea is good. No the account is just like an overdraft with a low interest rate so nothing being paid in. He is now only paying mortgage directly each month which he says is what CSA say is enough although I have kids the vast majority of the time and he earns double what I do

OP posts:
Original poster
mrscoleridge · 12/03/2012 10:34

Just to clarify my plan is to pay off in full as house shortly to go on market and there will be equity. I do not expect him to pay it. Needed money as he stopped paying some other bills and hours at work been halved

OP posts:
trustissues75 · 12/03/2012 10:37

So you've been using the overdraft? He's jointly responsible in the eyes of the bank for that overdraft...so if you don't pay it (and youv'e been using it) then it falls on him...which isn't really fair and I'd say he has a right to be a little bit pissed off at that...but arguing won't help the situation at all. Are you willing to accept responsibility for using an overdraft that is also in his name and apologising for it and assuring him it won't happen again? That may help with future communication. It really is no fun when an ex partner makes decisions about credit that you are both jointly responsible for without telling you and does tend to make the uninformed partner mad....

trustissues75 · 12/03/2012 10:40

Sorry, we cross posted...

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2012 10:41

I think if I were him I would be making sure my solicitor looked into this.

Firstly the reasons you needed 'bailing out' and from what.

And yes, that would most definitely involve you submitting your financial details.

I don't really know what else you expect?

solidgoldbrass · 12/03/2012 10:48

It does sound like you need to get a solicitor involved. Don't trust a man who has shown himself not to be very nice, particularly WRT money, get proper impartial advice so he can't bullshit you.

Original poster
mrscoleridge · 12/03/2012 10:52

Yes I agree in fact tried to put account in my own name as is everything else so none of his business imo. Also he has recently had endownment come in and I saw none of that and has hidden quite a few assets such as shares from my sol

OP posts:
trustissues75 · 12/03/2012 10:54

It almost sounds like your ex is using finances as a method of control? In any case...do quit using anything that has his name on it - that will only give him more ammunition. What can you do to get yourself financially independant? Take in a lodger? Have you researched all the benefits you are entitled to as a stop gap for now? Can you apply for a different job?

Amateurish · 12/03/2012 10:55

Is this an offset mortgage? If so, you have been effectively borrowing off the joint mortgage to pay for your personal expenses. I can see why your ex might not be happy about that.

trustissues75 · 12/03/2012 10:56

Also, are you entitled to legal aid for a solicitor?

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2012 10:56

Well none the less you have a history of not being very good with money so if you've spent money from the joint account, he has every right to know about it as he'll have to pay some of it back.

I really think this should be left with the solicitors.

Original poster
mrscoleridge · 12/03/2012 10:58

Not entitled to legal aid and have done benefits check and am getting all I can. At the moment am starting to do some self employed stuff to boost earnings. Not an offset mortgage just an agreed overdraft

OP posts:
Amateurish · 12/03/2012 11:02

Well, I think the best thing to do is apologise, promise it won't happen again and given your ex a realistic plan for paying the money back, and sticking to it.

trustissues75 · 12/03/2012 11:02

At the risk of sounding bossy, you really need to get into appropriate budgeting. If your'e not entitled to legal aid, and your ex is paying the mortgage then you do have enough money to live on without borrowing from a joint overdraft...it may not be the lifestyle you want, but you can live for now without getting into more debt. Stop giving him reasons to have a go at you...

fedupofnamechanging · 12/03/2012 11:06

If he has left you with insufficient funds to support the dc, then it's his own fault if you took it from the joint account.

I would concentrate on getting my solicitor to track his hidden assets (get a forensic accountant on it). you have a legitimate claim on any assets acquired during the marriage.

He's not paying the mortgage out of the goodness of his heart - he's paying it because he is legally obliged to and will profit from this asset.

Get proper legal advice and then see him.

Original poster
mrscoleridge · 12/03/2012 11:08

Yes I agree already said to him that will be paid off from proceeds of sale which can be written in settlement. Which incidetally is 50:50 split even though I earn half what he does. My sol thinks this is madness but don't have the money/stomach for a court battle. He has already insisted on lower value for his pension which is massively more than equity in the house (my settlement)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/03/2012 11:15

But you don't know how long a sale will take or how much it'll sell for no matter how much equity there is so surely you can understand his concern?

Original poster
mrscoleridge · 12/03/2012 11:18

Yes I can Worra but the fact is he is going to get a much better deal than me as he knows I do not want to go to court. Also house recently valued and there should be approx 200 k equity and this is not that much. Hard to trust a man who has an affair and left his wife and kids because am not much good at budgeting!!!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/03/2012 11:27

Well I can see your point but I can also see his because I would never trust my ex with access to money I'm liable for, due to the fact that he also had a terrible track record with money.

Can see both sides here.

Latemates · 12/03/2012 11:27

200K not that much!!! I think you're living in cloud cookoo land. If the split is 50:50 you will get 100K plus you will have maintenance every month.
I think your ex is probably very concerned about the children and that regardless oh how much extra he gives you - you will spend it and be in difficulties.
If the children are with you most of the time but you are struggling - maybe they should spend more time with dad also and hope fully they will get a more balanced view of money management and not grow up believeing they are poor after Mum blowing a 100K on cloths and holidays/