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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Time on my own = I don't like you enough to spend time with you? Doesn't it? AIBU?

74 replies

newnameme · 10/03/2012 21:31

General concensus please.

When a guy says he wants an evening to himself despite knowing you're free, would you take it personally that he didn't want your company?

OP posts:

AbbyAbsinthe · 10/03/2012 21:57

Ooops, x-posted.

Thing is - your lack of confidence isn't his issue, do you know what I mean? He can't always consider your feelings before his own. I'm not trying to be mean, and I see why you're a bit gutted, but he probably just wants a night on his own, honestly.

sharenicely · 10/03/2012 21:57

You're taking what happened in a past relationship into a new relationship. That's not really fair on your new partner.
If you're clingy and needy he probably will want time to himself.
Move on from the past and start anew.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 10/03/2012 22:01

Honestly OP, I think it is very very normal to want time by yourself. Choosing a Saturday night to have it is a little odd but if he lives with people he's probably just enjoying slobbing out in PJs watching movies you wouldn't like.

I think it's also quite normal to rarely have time to yourself until you live together as most youngish people have housemates etc. Hotel would be a nice one off, but you shouldn't expect it too often unless you're both minted.

For tonight, I prescribe , mumsnet & choccies.

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2012 22:02

It's not always that easy to not let how you've been treated in the past infect how you read some situations sharenicely.

How have you managed to separate out the two without going too far and not learning from your mistakes?

EvenBetter · 10/03/2012 22:07

Oh noooo, humans need time on their own going on mumsnet and being slatternly or else they'd go insaaaane. What about every parent who dreams of 2 minutes alone? People who work interacting with other humans & cannot wait to just be by themselves afterwards? Peoples cars being their own haven etc.
He'll be playing computer games, Internet faffing etc and slobbing about.

Original poster

newnameme · 10/03/2012 22:08

Well I haven't replied to his communications this evening on the basis he wanted space.

I was let down & hurt by friends and employers as well as a few family members as opposed to someone I was in a relationship with. I think that's why I'm struggling with this.

If I was 'more' than a friend to him then surely he would understand why I feel rejected & not good enough for him.

I don't think I have separated the past & today. Therein lies the problem.....?

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 10/03/2012 22:10

I disagree, yes, I love time to myself after ten years with my husband but presumably the OP is thinking they would have 'time to themselves' (i.e. the opportunity to get a bit jiggy) and the fact that he is uninterested in asking her round once they get this one opportunity would be slightly odd to me. Perhaps he's trying to keep his distance/set up boundaries in reaction to your keenness OP. I don't think it seems entirely plausible, given he can have time to himself as in not be with you any day he chooses.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 10/03/2012 22:11

Twist that round though OP, if you were 'more than' a friend to him, could you not understand he needs some time alone? (not trying to be petulant, trying to help you see the other side)

troisgarcons · 10/03/2012 22:11

I love MN - the Op lives with her sister and the P lives with random room mates .... the OP clearly cant bring P home for intimate time, neither can the P - thus they use hotels. Yet the P wants some down time an everyones alarm bells are going into overdrive.

so, OP - why do you have to use a hotel when you live with your sister?

troisgarcons · 10/03/2012 22:12

oops vice versa ....OP why cant you bring your P home to the place you share with a friend? Rather than hotels?

Mumsyblouse · 10/03/2012 22:15

I also don't get why you need to use hotels really either, everyone I know who has lived in shared houses just got on with it, otherwise hotels would be full of 18-25 year olds every night.

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2012 22:16

Living with a friend wouldn't preclude getting it on with your DP though would it?

well, it didn't stop me-

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2012 22:18

Or you just do it outside get creative on finding places.

Original poster

newnameme · 10/03/2012 22:19

They don't particularly like each other. They tolerate the other but that's as far as it goes.

Boundary-wise I've done everything he asked me to do. For example (Of which there are many) I was told not to text so much so now I only communicate when he contacts me but yet he says it shouldn't be down to him to initiate communication all the time, or he'll comment that I'm quiet & assume something is wrong.

Oh God I think I've just answered my own question haven't I? It's not looking that great to all you fab MNers out there is it?!

OP posts:

puds11 · 10/03/2012 22:21

YABU, i absolutely love having time by myself. I wouldn't take it as an insult at all.

PurplePidjin · 10/03/2012 22:21

Presumably your housemates know you're seeing someone, and you don't share a room/bed with anyone? I wouldn't (and haven't) batted an eyelid at housemates and lodges having "friends" to stay.

I'm assuming that this is a heterosexual relationship, it is of course entirely possibly that this is a homosexual relationship and to put the reluctance down to one or other party not being "out"...

2rebecca · 10/03/2012 22:22

When I was younger and in my early 20s I was clingy like this. I think part of the problem was that I had my college course or work plus boyfriend and friends but few hobbies. When I had boyfriends with hobbies I would resent them not wanting to spend any time they could with me. I lost a couple of relationships because of that.
I now have alot more hobbies and am more confident so less relient on men to boost my self confidence, and think that people being able to enjoy their own company is a positive thing in a partner not a negative one.
You're sounding a bit petulant in your last post. Just because he wanted an evening on his own it doesn't follow that he didn't want to talk to you at all. I am enjoying having this evening to myself but will be happy when my husband returns home.
Your boyfriend may understand why you feel rejected if he spends some time without you (assuming you have told him this of course, he's not a mind reader) but that doesn't mean he never wants to have time alone just so you don't feel rejected. Your feeling rejected is your problem to sort out, not his.
Men who never want women to be on their own tend to be control freaks, if you turn away all blokes who sometimes like their own company you may be left with a bloke who'll never let you be alone and moans when you want to be.
If you like this bloke talk to him about the way you feel and see if he reassures you.

FairVerona · 10/03/2012 22:23

Sometimes we all need some time on our own. Tonight both kids are out, DH is asleep and i'm enjoying some red wine and jellybeans! Doesn't mean I don't love them.

2rebecca · 10/03/2012 22:26

He's sounding a bit controlling in his last few comments, it does sound as though he's giving you hoops to jump through. I hate people asking "what's wrong" when i'm quiet. My husband has now learnt not to do it after getting his head bitten off a few times. Now he'll say "are you OK?" which is more tolerable.

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2012 22:30

What's that over there Fair?

slowestwildebeast · 10/03/2012 22:38

Don't text me, i'll text you. Sounds awful. Why are you humiliating yourself? he sounds like he picks you up and puts you down when he pleases. He says don't text him too much but complains when you don't text? Do you go on dates? This sounds very odd.

Casmama · 10/03/2012 22:39

On first read I would say Yabu and he is entitled to a night on his own without you getting clingy and overanalysing things. However, your comment about the boundaries he has set is a little alarming. In your view are these reasonable boundaries or is he quite controlling and in fact further undermining your confidence?

Sudaname · 10/03/2012 22:43

You sound very lacking in self esteem OP. The problem is - that in itself can be very offputting in a relationship and then your self esteem gets even lower and so on. You need to break the cycle IMO and try not to fret so much and second guess him at every turn. Even if you can just pretend to be self assured for a while you will probably notice a renewed interest in you from him. If not then as others have said you may just have to accept he is not that into you. But you will find your 'pretend' confidence somehow becomes real after a while - or at least mine did.
l was very insecure when l met now DH - had come out of the second of two bad relationships prior to him and l used to read something negative into every silence,every missed phone call,every cancelled arrangement etc etc. He didnt want anything serious (marriage etc) he announced after two years so l started to look for my own place thinking l would show him etc etc and convinced it was over. As soon as l started to look for a place and a life of my own he then wasnt being suffocated realised how much he thought of me l guess and it was only then that he really seemed to sit up and notice me if you will and two years later we were married.

Original poster

newnameme · 10/03/2012 22:44

We do go on dates but now I come to think of it, this changes the scenario for you all I expect.

Whenever I mention an event I'd like to go to, he asks if if I have asked someone else or tells me I shouldn't rely on him to keep me company. As I sit here & think about it, the dates we go on are ones he instigates. That's not good, is it? There are 2 lined up for spring & Winter time - he sorted out both.

In fact, he did say once if he wanted to see me, he would ask & he implied that I should not be pressuring him for a meeting.

I AM humiliating myself aren't I?

Shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

newnameme · 10/03/2012 22:47

Whilst writing on MN I did send one sentence telling him he knows why I am insecure. He has replied that these negative thoughts are in my head only.

Is this gaslighting or have I gone completley off on a tangent now?

God I fancy a jellybean!!!!

OP posts:

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