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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ram a packet of Benson and Hedges up my sisters arse and tell her she can never look after her niece again?

37 replies

BalloonTwister · 10/03/2012 09:16

Bit of background so as not to drip feed, sorry it's soo long: Dsis, partner and DN x 2 live with our parents after falling behind with their mortagage payments. They moved in at Christmas. I live in a different county with DP and DD 8mo.

Until I fell pregnant we were all quite heavy smokers Blush. I gave up first, but parents, who both smoked for 40 years, have found it really hard, but haven't had a single fag since Boxing Day as DNs are in the house. I am very proud of them, especially DM who was smoking 30 a day. (Despite contracting breast cancer twice! :(

Yesterday was Dad's birthday, so drove over, picked up Mum and Dad, went to a restaurant for lunch. Dsis followed in her car so she could pick up the DN's if it over ran. In the restaurant Dad runs into an old friend, who has got the bus. It was agreed that Dsis would take my DD with her to the school, I would drop the friend home and we would all meet at parents house.

I was in a hurry to get home, so said goodbye to parents, and when Dsis pulled up I just grabbed the car seat and was about to go. And then I smelled the smoke. Lots of smoke, in the car with DD and DN's. I was so shocked I said something inane like "I thought you'd given up?" and her reply was "I only smoke in the car" I asked if my parents knew this and she replied "no, and lets face it, if you tell them they'll probably start again....do you want that on your conscience?". Sadly, she is probably right.

So, tomorrow I, DP and DD are supposed to be going over there for dinner. I am fuming, DP is less than impressed, and I don't think I can sit round the table and pretend it's all ok. Do I upset DM and not go, giving her some crap excuse as to why not, or go and drop her in it round the dinner table, and ask why the hell she thought it was ok to subject my child, and hers, to her smoke in the confines of a small car??? Grrrrrr. I could put my hands around her bloody throat just thinking about it!!!

OP posts:
AKMD · 10/03/2012 09:18

YANBU, I'd bring it up. "I only smoke in the car [with small children in it]" Hmm She is either thick or jaw-droppingly selfish.

Original poster
BalloonTwister · 10/03/2012 09:21

The latter mainly. :( Thing is though, there is this big camaraderie about everyone giving up together, and I'm worried that if I let on, she'll start smoking openly, and then my parents will lose their resolve and start again. Just one cigarette etc etc.

OP posts:
Calamityboo · 10/03/2012 09:28

YANBU, that is bloody awful, I think smoking in the car with children is the very worst place to do it, those poor little ones having to smoke her cigarette with her. I really feel for you balloontwister, it is a really unpleasent situation to be in.

Moomoomie · 10/03/2012 09:36

At the end of the day, it is her decision to smoke though.
I don't really think there is anything you can do.
She knows she is being selfish.

shoppingbagsundereyes · 10/03/2012 09:38

her business if she wants to be a twat. I would keep quiet (for the sake of your parents' health) and never ever let your child in the car with her again.

Debs75 · 10/03/2012 09:42

Arent the govt trying to make smoking in cars with children in them illegal?
What will she do then?
It is selfish of her to smoke in the car with the dc's, especially as you have all made this effort to stop. Surely your bil and parents can still smell it on her or in the car. I would bring it up and ask everyone to be honest as you could find theya ll have their secret places for a sneaky fag. Try and keep it lighthearted though so you aren't picking on those who have lapsed and then make an agreement to stop again

differentnameforthis · 10/03/2012 09:46

Your parents will know that she still smokes, she will stink of it.

imnotmymum · 10/03/2012 09:46

It up to her if she smokes it is her right. But big but smoking in the car with children is so totally out of order and I hate the government telling us how to live our life but if some idiots cannot see how terrible it is to smoke in car with kids then make it illegal.

minceorotherwise · 10/03/2012 09:51

Are you sure she smoked in the car with the children, or just meant that she normally smokes in the car? It would smell of smoke if she generally does it, not necessarily meaning she had just done it. IYSWIM
Realise it's not ideal either...but would be a bit better ????? Maybe best to check before going off on one....

Original poster
BalloonTwister · 10/03/2012 09:52

I haven't noticed the smell before this though, but then again I don't see that much of her. Selfish little cow. I could still smell smoke in DD's hair when I got her home, and she's got a cough as it is. Poor DD. :( How could she! I'm pretty sure my parents haven't had a sneaky one though, they're too bloody proud of themselves! (and rightly so)

OP posts:
RhinosDontEatPancakes · 10/03/2012 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pseudo341 · 10/03/2012 10:03

Was she smoking in the car with the children in there or was it stale smoke lingering from a previous occasion. If the latter I wouldn't be letting my kid in the car again, if the former I'd be ready to kill her. Either way I wouldn't be keeping her secret, she has no right to try and make you take responisibility for the consequences of her actions if it has an effect on her parents.

DeathBeforeDecaf · 10/03/2012 10:08

yanbu. She's being a bit silly about this because even you say nothing your DD or hers might! Hiding in the car with your fags says it all really. And why put that secret on the girls- while endangering them -in the first place?

To add to that she's now guilted you into keeping schtum for the sake of your parents? I expect she thinks she's being pretty damn clever.

DeathBeforeDecaf · 10/03/2012 10:09

*her fags

Likesshinythings · 10/03/2012 10:10

Smoking in the car is, afaik, worse for children than if it is in the house etc due to the confined space. Department of Health are campaigning on this as it's a big issue.

Original poster
BalloonTwister · 10/03/2012 10:13

I'm pretty sure she'd had one with the kids in there....DD's hair wouldn't have smelled of smoke otherwise. It was chucking it down to, so doubt she had the window open. Bad enough she does it to my DN's, but to an 8mo baby with a cough anyway...WTAF????

I'd just like to add that I am asthmatic, and in the past was severely so, so am even more precious than most about smoke around dd. I am doing everything I possibly can to keep her from developing breathing issues, and my sister knows that. I keep swinging from wanting to kill her to wanting to cry that she'd put having a crafty fag over her nieces health.:(

OP posts:
albertcamus · 10/03/2012 10:14

Balloon - I've found that some/many smokers have a chip on their shoulder when faced with non-smoking family members. My own (notD) sister (aged 43 at the time) went to the extent of putting an (unlit) fag into the mouth of my 2-year old DTD deliberately to annoy my (strongly anti-smoking) DH. What exactly she was trying to prove I don't know, but she definitely enjoys inflicting her smoking on others, including her incredibly long-suffering second husband who hates having to live with it. Her first husband died in 2010 after a (short) lifetime - he was 60 - of smoking rollups, incredibly when he visited (don't even ask me about the weird menage a trois of that), her husband had to put up with both of them smoking around him. Neither of her children nor my family have any contact with her now as we all find her too stressful & toxic anyway. But I digress ... YANBU, you just need to make it clear that you will not allow your DC to be exposed to her smoke at all, any more. I may seem an anti-smoking fascist, but I actually believe each to their own, folks are free to smoke as long as vulnerable others are not affected. The thing I find bizarre, though, is this 'chip on the shoulder' behaviour. I suppose it's like any other addiction (off to eat some chocolate in my case !)

Original poster
BalloonTwister · 10/03/2012 10:20

DeathBeforeDecaf Thats exactly it, the selfish little bitch sat there with a smug look on her face like "You can't tell on me". She does think she's being clever, I am sure of it!

No chance of my DD saying anything, her only word so far is "cat" but I am frankly AMAZED that DN2 hasn't dobbed her in. It must be costing her a fortune in sweets!

It should be illegal to smoke in cars with children in them. Even when I smoked, I wouldn't have dreamed of lighting up with her children in the car!

OP posts:
Original poster
BalloonTwister · 10/03/2012 10:25

As an ex smoker, i can confirm that it is an addiction, yes, however if you really want to stop, you can.
Allen Carr's easyway book worked for me, then both my parents, who have both smoked for over 40 years. I can only assume she doesn't really want to give up and is just paying it lip service for my parents sake.

Ironically, she gave up for 6 months about 2 years ago, then had a go at everyone else for not giving up at the same time to make it easier for her!

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 10/03/2012 10:38

Just keep quiet and go to the meal.

Yes, I would be very annoyed if someone had smoked with my young DD in the car. However one journey is not going to harm your DD. Just don't let her go in the car with your sis again.

You have no right to tell your parents. You're all adults and what your sister does is up to her.

It reminds me of two small sisters having an argument "I'm telling Mum and Dad on you, neeeerrr"

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2012 10:47

"ome/many smokers have a chip on their shoulder when faced with non-smoking family members."

And the same is true in reverse. Hell hath no sanctimonious fury like a reformed smoker.... If you feel strongly, don't let her chauffeur your own children but I don't think you should whip this up into a storm.

igggi · 10/03/2012 10:58

You can't be annoyed that your sister is smoking again, she's an adult etc.
You can be annoyed she smoked around your dd, though it does sound like that lift was a favour she wasn't expecting to do, so "robbing" her of the fag she was presumably expecting to have in the car. Still means she smokes around her own kids though Sad

ragged · 10/03/2012 11:07

What Igggi said. It's selfish but it's not the end of the world. I just wouldn't let my DD in the car with her again.

Sounds like Sis is under a lot of pressure & has lots of stress (house repossessed, stuck living with relatives, usual life stuff). I know it's not fashionable, but I'd cut her some slack for her weaknesses.

Original poster
BalloonTwister · 10/03/2012 11:48

Cogito, Igggi and ragged.... Hmm. Yes, I suppose I had "robbed" her of her fag,albeit unknowingly, and I haven't been a non smoker that long myself, so can still remember the agony of wanting one and not being able to (airports, hospitals etc).

And no, her life isn't great at the moment, but she could have got out of the car and had one. In the rain if need be. I have had many, many cigarettes in the rain, and fail to see why she thinks its ok to subject 3 kids under 6 to her having one in a ford Ka!

I don't actually care if she smokes, I do however care that my mum stops, and that she doesn't smoke around DD. I think her general smuggery about getting caught is probably what tipped me into such a fury, it almost felt like she'd reasoned it out in her head that if I smelled it on DD I wouldn't be able to cause too much of a fuss, but maybe I'm just over thinking it.

I will call her tonight and have it out with her before I go, but best leave it til I've calmed down completely I think. :)

OP posts:
PingPongBallsRMoving · 10/03/2012 12:39

Look after your own DD from now on. Problem solved.