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Original poster

Husband contacting other women

49 replies

Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 09:11

I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for nearly 3. We have 2 young children aged 5 and 18 months. Since early on in the relationship he has been giving me a hard time, accusing me of affairs, telling me its not working, being miserable and not speaking to me for days on end for minor or no reason and he also tells me he's leaving me on a regular basis. A couple of years ago I found out he was contacting another woman on facebook, flirting with her and eventually arranging to meet her and giving his phone number. I intercepted these messages and he says they never met. I forgave him this and continued with our relationship. We have been having a lot of conversations about his behaviour and he has promised me that he will stop being horrible to me and threatening to leave. He has also recently sent me nasty text messages which is not the first time. I was just trying to get my head around everything when I found out he has again been arranging to meet another woman. He started messaging her on facebook messenger, slagging me off and telling her I didn't love him anymore, then progressed on to flirting and inappropriate messages then arranging to meet her. When I found out I was heartbroken and now dont know what to do. I have told him I need time to think.

OP posts:
DeathBeforeDecaf · 10/03/2012 09:16

His accusing you of cheating smacks of deflection. He's trying to take thea attention off of his own misdeeds by making you think that you're the problem.

TBH, because of his history of accusing you of affairs I'm inclined to think that this may not be the first time he's done something like this. It's just the first time you caught him.

I'm not going to tell you what to do but what you shouldn't do is expect him to change because you asked him to. This stuff is ingrained in the personality I'm afraid.

Have you considered counselling as a last measure?

NaughtyMrChicken · 10/03/2012 09:18

I think you do know what to do Sad

Your marriage is over Rainy this man has consistently demonstrated his lack of respect for you. You do not have to settle for a man with whom the best he can offer is to "promised me that he will stop being horrible to me and threatening to leave

JustHecate · 10/03/2012 09:19

You often find that when someone is betraying their partner, they become suspicious of their partner, accusing them of being unfaithful [boggle] maybe it's guilt, perhaps it's because they know that if they can pull the wool over your eyes, you could be doing it to them, but it's odd how common it is.

He is being horrible to you because he knows he is being a bastard to you. If you are a good person - what does it make him, who is treating a good person so badly? If he can convince himself that you are a horrible person, he will feel less of a bastard.

You don't have to let him have all the power. Will he leave, will he stay, does he love you, he decides it's not working, he decides to give it a go, he he he he he

You can take the power away from him and make a choice yourself. Hopefully that choice will be that you deserve more than to be treated like shit. Sad

Boston2Step · 10/03/2012 09:19

Flipping Facebook again!! Leave him, he doesn't respect you and life is too short. He won't change.

Shutupanddrive · 10/03/2012 09:19

Wow that doesn't sound good. Maybe you should threaten to leave him if he doesn't sort out his behaviour, and not the other way around! It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you Sad

scottishmummy · 10/03/2012 09:22

how dreadful are you ok?
do you have a pal or family to support you?
frankly he's not a v nice man, and he's been mean and cruel to you for years by sound if it. he's supposed to be your dh a life partner,a stalwart one relies upon. instead he's a womanizing shagger, who is mentally cruel to you.

you know this isn't a regular relationship good decent men dint treat their partner and mum of their children like this

do print and keep keep copies of corroborating emails etc.may need later on

i suppose it's a straight stay or go, and you need to decide can he genuinely change.or is this demonstrable proof that he is a snake

how's your finances etc arranged?joint or solo accounts
do you work?

and take care two small children and this,thats tough

Debeez · 10/03/2012 09:24

I was in the same situation a year ago. I'm with deathbeforedecaf, no one can tell you what to do. I had a friend who had told me my partner of 4 years was a loser and he didn't deserve me. Certainly some of the situations you described are very familiar. It was a decision I had to make for myself and for my child.

After being told he was cheating and being provided with evidence from a different friend I weighed up the times we were happy as a family, including my partner, I wanted him to be happy too. And the times where things were hard and we were not happy.

Luckily my friend was never a "told you so" kind of person and I had her full sympathy and support. Have you a good support network around you whichever path you take?

Original poster
Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 09:26

Thank you all for your messages. I do feel like 6 years is enough chances, I don't think I would even be considering staying with him if it wasn't for the children! I have said I'm not sure if I want this to continue and made him go to his mums for a few days whilst I think, but he is constantly pressing me for an answer.

OP posts:
JustHecate · 10/03/2012 09:27

an answer to what?

DeathBeforeDecaf · 10/03/2012 09:29

He has no right to pressure you for anything right now. Maybe it's bet that you do ask him to leave while you think because that will show him that things are happening on your terms for a change. He needs to know that he isn't in charge here.

DeathBeforeDecaf · 10/03/2012 09:30

*best

Original poster
Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 09:31

He has said they didn't actually meet, which I guess I will never know and can only take his word for, but I feel that it is still a complete betrayal of trust and emotion and on top of the way he has been treating me I just don't know how much more I can take. I do have some good friends but my family don't know any of this yet, I am hoping to talk to my mum on Monday as she lives a little way away and I want to tell her face to face. His family know some of it and his mum is trying to give me emotional blackmail, via text and phone to make out he hasn't really done anything wrong, poor thing!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 10/03/2012 09:31

you're not compelled to answer him
It's him who's got explaining to do

as hard as it is,don't stay solely for kids.that's not a life lived or fulfilled.
you too need regard,warmth and a trust worthy partner

squeakytoy · 10/03/2012 09:33

I hate to say this, but I think he wants your answer to be to tell him to sling his hook. He is too much of a coward to just leave, he needs you to push him.

From what you have written, you would be doing yourself a huge favour if you did tell him to leave.

Kids thrive better with two parents who live amicably apart than in a warzone together.

Original poster
Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 09:33

I'm supposed to be deciding if I want to give this marriage one more try JustHecate

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 09:35

squeakytoy, thats what I said to him, I think you just want me to be the bad person and be the one to end things but he heavily denies this. I agree that after the initial upset, the kids will be better not being exposed to this and I don't want them to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour.

OP posts:
JustHecate · 10/03/2012 09:38

oh. Tough one.

It's easy from outside the situation to say are you crazy? This is a man who thinks it's ok to betray you and verbally abuse you!

But inside a situation, there's a lot of emotions that cloud the issue. Feelings aren't logical.

When you read this thread, imagine it's your best friend in the whole world, who you love dearly, who has written it.

Her husband is trying to get off with other women (and probably has - they tell you the very very least they can, and no more than you are able to prove! and they will lie lie lie if you can't show them proof Sad) her husband tells her he doesn't love her, keeps threatening to leave her, texts her abusive messages, accuses her of affairs - while being the one actually (probably) having them! Her husband actually slags her off to these women he is trying to shag...

What would you say to her?

SuchProspects · 10/03/2012 10:06

OP I don't see how you can give the marriage one more try. It sounds like you're the one who has been trying all along. It's him that need to give the marriage a try. If you don't want to break things off directly (though I think that would be a perfectly sensible thing to do) you could tell him you want to be married but at the moment it only seems you're married on paper so you want to set conditions. E.g. He has to live elsewhere until he can show his behaviour indicates he wants to be married to you; not contact other women; be nasty to you (by text or otherwise); go to counselling; whatever. Set the expectation that his failure to comply with any of the conditions is the trigger for divorce.

It is really easy to sit on the outside telling you what to do. All the best with whatever you decide.

Original poster
Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 11:03

JustHecate, when you put it like that, I would tell her shes crazy to even think this guy is going to change!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 11:06

You're right, I have been the one trying all along and its only now when he thinks I am serious about this being the end (every time before he has just presumed I will always be here) that he is sying he'll do anything it takes to keep me. Yet I just can't get my head around why he constantly says he's leaving if that's not what he wants. He knows how much it hurts me and how I feel like I am on eggshells all the time in this marriage, waiting for the next explosion!

OP posts:
JustHecate · 10/03/2012 11:20

"JustHecate, when you put it like that, I would tell her shes crazy to even think this guy is going to change!"

Well, there's your answer then. Because it's happening to you, doesn't make the fact of it any different. Sad

ENormaSnob · 10/03/2012 11:30

I don't think this man will ever change tbh.

Single parenting is not easy but far happier than living as you are now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2012 11:31

"Attack is the best form of defence"... is a common bully-boy strategy for certain men. All the time he is on the attack, meeting women online, saying he's leaving and sending nasty text messages, and you are on the defensive, it makes it more difficult for you to turn the tables and question his actions. It also chips away at your confidence, which is again, pretty standard tactics i.e. keep the partner on eggshells, feeling like they may have contributed to the problem, that they have no choice but to stick it out and that they are not worthy of someone's respect and love. Alternated with lavish shows of affection and best behaviour ('anything it takes to keep you')... and you've got a classic 'good cop, bad cop' routine where they keep you on the hook thinking things will get better and thinking they love you really. It rarely gets better and all they feel for you is contempt. Sorry.

Archemedes · 10/03/2012 11:32

Oh dear I think you should leave,

Hes never been a good husband to you, and his accusing you will have always been transference, defelcting attention away from you.

I'm sorry you have tolerated him this long, go and have the life you have deserved.

QuintessentialyHollow · 10/03/2012 11:37

Good men, good husbands, good fathers, dont behave like this.

He is behaving like an absolute shit, in all aspects, with bullying, having you walking on eggshells, threatening to leave, infidelity. This is not a good role model for your children! Your relationship is not a good role model of what relationships should be like.

It is not the point that he did not see her, the point is that he has been fishing for other women and spoiling for a fight your entire relationship! This is the reason you have had enough, not just this once latest incident.