Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband contacting other women

49 replies

Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 09:11

I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for nearly 3. We have 2 young children aged 5 and 18 months. Since early on in the relationship he has been giving me a hard time, accusing me of affairs, telling me its not working, being miserable and not speaking to me for days on end for minor or no reason and he also tells me he's leaving me on a regular basis. A couple of years ago I found out he was contacting another woman on facebook, flirting with her and eventually arranging to meet her and giving his phone number. I intercepted these messages and he says they never met. I forgave him this and continued with our relationship. We have been having a lot of conversations about his behaviour and he has promised me that he will stop being horrible to me and threatening to leave. He has also recently sent me nasty text messages which is not the first time. I was just trying to get my head around everything when I found out he has again been arranging to meet another woman. He started messaging her on facebook messenger, slagging me off and telling her I didn't love him anymore, then progressed on to flirting and inappropriate messages then arranging to meet her. When I found out I was heartbroken and now dont know what to do. I have told him I need time to think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 11:46

Thanks guys, its funny you should say good cop, bad cop, as he is a cop! You would think he would know better!! Ergosometimes-you speak a lot of sense, its like you have been watching my relationship! I can't believe his mum actually sent me a message when this kicked off saying, he is now blaming himself, what has he done that is so wrong? I was fuming!

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 11:48

Quintessentially, you're right, I have just had my fill I think! This last "girl" incident is just the last straw for me I think.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/03/2012 11:52

I haven't been watching, honest :) But I know so many people who have had similar experiences, myself included. They're all the same. They wear you down, convincing you that their bad behaviour is somehow your fault. Then they are all contrition, making amends, making excuses and getting you to feel sorry for them. And, of course, because we're nice people and we're optimistic we think 'my love can change them'.... and 'it's going to be OK now'. But they just see us as silly, gullible women that they can control with a bunch of flowers and a few nice words...

Getting his mother in on the act? New depths. In answer to 'what has he done wrong' I would be very tempted to send a message back outlining exactly what a philandering shit her darling son is. Right before you change the locks and pack his bags. Good luck. Stay strong. Trust yourself.

Archemedes · 10/03/2012 12:18

I really hope you meant,.

Hectates post was great, look at this like your seeing a mate going through the same thing.

his mother may have only been fed certain scraps of info, but still stupid to get involved.

Archemedes · 10/03/2012 12:18

*mean it.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 10/03/2012 12:27

I had a friend whose husband used to slap her around when drunk , call her useless, stop her from seeing her friends, accuse her of seeing other men. He used to threaten to leave all the time, one day when he said he was leaving she basically turned round and said. "off you fuck then, make sure you shut the door when you go it's cold outside"
It's been a tough year for her, but she is slowly rebuilding her confidence and her life. I am so proud of her for finally standing up to him and she is so much happier.
I don't think I have said this before (seriously anyway) but leave the fucker. He will never be any different, if he's accusing you of cheating without any justification then he is either cheating himself or he is using it to control you.
You deserve so much more than this.

knitknack · 10/03/2012 13:09

I had a mother of a boyfriend do this after I found her stupid son had been facebook messaging (much) younger girls telling them they looked 'hot' in their bikini photos - I asked her how SHE would feel if she'd found her own much loved husband had been doing the same thing and at that point she went very quiet and didn't contact me again...

I'm desperately sorry for you - it's so easy for us from the outside to look at your situation and see very clearly how awfully you are being treated, it's very different from the inside, with children and all the connections they bring to see the same... but you are being treated awfully you know, and you don't need to continue to be so.

I hope you're OK

thebody · 10/03/2012 13:26

Don't play his games, kick him out, go to citizens advice for support and move on, he's a pig!!

Original poster

Rainy01 · 10/03/2012 13:43

Thank you again to everyone for all your thoughts and kindness, I'm gradually seeing him for what he is. I did say to his mother what he had done, and she said "yes, he has been a silly boy, but he didn't actually meet her...." what about everything else!!!!! She also said she knew the girl, and that this girl would be distraught if she knew the trouble it had caused....is she for real? KnitKnack I was very upset when I first found this latest out but I am now just angry and annoyed that he has put me through all of this!

OP posts:

QuintessentialyHollow · 10/03/2012 13:48

Clearly his heart is not in the marriage if he is behaving like this.
Kick him out and get some advice. Just let him stay with his mum, and dont engage with her. She is a silly ignorant cow. (Sorry) I bet his father was behaving exactly the same, and mil put up with it. Facing that her son is doing something wrong, will mean she has to face up to the fact that her own husband was a pig too, and that she has been wronged.

Who cares about the other girl and HER feelings? She should stayed away from married men.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 10/03/2012 13:49

If he loved you, and wanted to be with you, he wouldn't treat you this way. Leave him and make a life for yourself away from him, and his nasty behaviour. Don't let him make you believe you're not worth being loved and respected and treated properly, just because he can't/won't - he's the one at fault, not you. Six years is way more than long enough to waste on this man.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 10/03/2012 13:51

And fwiw my exMiL once phoned me to try and persuade me to take my ex back, and it eventually turned out that what he'd told her happened to "make me throw him out for practically nothing" and what he'd actually done, were two very different things... so ignore your MiL, she's bound to be on his side, he's her son, and she may well only have half the facts or a version of the facts that it suits him to tell her anyway.

Original poster

Rainy01 · 17/03/2012 15:52

Ok, so I finally ended things, since then it has been a little up and down. He is being difficult about visiting the kids and the house. I have said that since he left, he needs to let me know when he wants to come back and get things or visit the kids, he can't just come and go as he pleases as this will be confusing for the children and not fair on me. He disagrees and says he has the right to come and go as he pleases. I feel a war ensuing!!!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 15:57

Well done to you for ending it. You gave him a chance after the first time, he blew it.

No, it isn't fair that he comes and goes as he please, he forfeited that right when he disrespected his family and took you for a mug

You don't sound like a mug to me, so make it clear that contact with the kids will be pre planned and any other stuff he needs to collect will be binbagged and left outside for him to collect

Original poster

Rainy01 · 17/03/2012 16:03

I like it!! lol. I have been trying to be reasonable and nice, but he wouldn't give me the key to the house back so I took it off his key ring. We are both still on the mortgage but as I said to him it may be our house but its not his home anymore. I said it doesn't take much to send me a quick text and say can I get some stuff or arrange a visit and I will always accomadate where I can but I feel like its and invasion of privacy having him just come and go when he likes even when I'm not here and its very confusing for the kids!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2012 16:10

It may be (will be) confusing for the kids but I'm afraid the law is on his side WRT you not allowing him access to his own property.

I think now is the time for you to take legal advice.

Please don't bin bag his stuff up and leave it outside in case it gets stolen and you cause legal problems for yourself.

Good luck OP

AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 16:10

Rainy, some people who have been called to account for their actions like your H has continu to torment their ex with examples of behaviour such as this

They don't like not being in control any more, so they act out in the only way they can

it takes many different forms, but this low-level continued disrespect of you and your status as the dc's resident parent is just along the same continuum he was employing before you had him bang to rights

he isn't a resident parent any more, and he made that decision the very first time he messaged another woman for sexual purposes

he is still trying to punish you for kicking him out by asserting his authority, you trying to be "nice" often simply means you still end up dancing to his tune

so, change the record, baby

AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 16:12

it wouldn't get stolen if you told him what you were doing, and gave him an hour to collect it

leaving "stuff" in a house in which you no longer reside is territory-marking and designed to give him constant excuses to have him in your face and ? checking up on you

what does he think you are going to do ? Move in a new man ?

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2012 16:17

He is within his legal right to come and go as he pleases and if his property was stolen within that hour, the OP would be in trouble legally.

This is why you need legal help OP

What is fair/unfair often has no bearing on what is actually law.

aldiwhore · 17/03/2012 16:21

He sounds messed up. If he can't be helped or isn't willing to change I think you owe it to yourself and your children to opt out of his games.

What a horrible situation for you though. You've gone above and beyond 'duty' you've forgiven him and carried on... I think you need to ask yourself how many more times you're prepared to do this.

Good luck with your future, that's one thing you DO have control over. x

HalfPastWine · 17/03/2012 16:22

The man is toxic, you deserve better. You just need to start believing it.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2012 16:26

OP has already got shut of him, he ain't going quietly though (they rarely do, the gameplayers)

Original poster

Rainy01 · 17/03/2012 17:06

No he's not going quietly, he texts me many times a day and gets horrible if I don't reply the way he likes. It makes me very uneasy, I can't wait to get moved out of this property and get everything officially sorted!!!

OP posts:

WetAugust · 17/03/2012 17:13

Ignore his texts - don't respond. Just blank him out.

Flip

1 2