Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

About not wanting MIL to stay for a month?

50 replies

AGunInMyPetticoat · 09/03/2012 21:41

I am completely prepared to be told I am - but I really do NOT want her in my home for a month!

First off: I barely know the woman - PIL live overseas and I have met them once for about two weeks. They seemed sweet enough - but then I don't really speak their language (and they speak zero English), so my possibilities of making a bad impression were pretty limited so long as I remained polite. For that reason alone I'm not very happy about the whole idea. DH works nights, which would basically mean that I'd be stranded at home with MIL, whose language I don't speak, for twelve hours overnight five days a week.

There's also the fact that PIL are Middle Eastern, religious and very traditional. MIL had her first child at 15 and has been a SAHM/housewife ever since. Her housekeeping standards are rigorous - mine, ... ahem, ... not so much. There's no way I can manage to live up to her standards - which include three meals being prepared for the family each day and a tea/coffee supply service for her sons while they watch TV. I also absolutely do not wish to spend a month in summer pretending that I usually dress and behave as though I'm a conservative Middle Eastern Muslim (I'm a socially progressive European atheist, thanks!).

I wouldn't mind if I felt I could be myself with her around. The thing is, though, that PIL have been very vocal about how they disapprove of BIL's fiancee and have tried to make him change his mind. There's obviously some standard to be met - and I'm not keen on playing this game!

To make matters worse: I'm pg with my first child. I really DO NOT NEED this sort of stress!

I've told DH that I'm not happy about the idea and have suggested that we pay for a hotel five minutes' walk away. He says I'm being selfish and that everything isn't always about me.

Am I being horrible?

OP posts:

EndoplasmicReticulum · 09/03/2012 21:45

YANBU.

Why does she need such a long visit?

When I am a MIL, I will not go and stay with my son-and-daughter-in-law for a month. I promise that now!

Can you go and stay with a friend for a while during the "visit"?

FlossieTeacakeShouldFakeIt · 09/03/2012 21:46

YANBU!

Your dh is right, everything is not always about you. Entertaining his parents is definitely not about you, its about him, so he will be happy to take the time off work and look after his parents.

If that's not acceptable because he is the man it's your womanly job to serve his parents, well, he should have thought about that when he chose not to marry someone more traditional.

rushelle · 09/03/2012 21:52

No yanbu or horrible, I'd feel the same. It's your home you want to be able to relax in it. If your MIL want's to come for that time she should be willing to muck in and take you as she finds you, and if she want a spotless environment and full catering service she should be happy to contribute to it. That being said my MIL is lovely but I still told my DH she could only stay for 4 days at easter cos I ant to be able to wander around in my PJ's without being judged, and be able to streak across the landing to the loo without fear of offending people in my own home.

Angeleena · 09/03/2012 21:55

What FlossieTeacakes said.
Insisting DH takes leave to spend quality time with his DM will probably be enough to scotch this idea.

Calamityboo · 09/03/2012 21:59

YANBU at all, I would not want anyone staying in my home for a month, specially when pg, and when they are so rigid with their beliefs. The only benefit I can see is that you say you will be on your own with them overnight, I would say the baby is makig you tired and bugger off to bed early as much as you can, let MIL run after the men if that is what make her happy

AgentZigzag · 09/03/2012 22:00

Just on the basis of your title I would say YANBU!

A month is a long time for anyone to stay.

But if you don't know your MIL very well, are you assuming she's going to be judging your housework/clothes? She might not be as bad as you think?

If you can't get out of your MIL coming to stop for a month, my advice would be to just be yourself with her, there's no way you could 'pretend' to be the person you think she expects you to be for a month, and you might have it wrong anyway.

The language thing might not be as bad as you think either, people always manage to communicate somehow when they speak different languages, maybe learn a few words of her language?

chandellina · 09/03/2012 22:02

Yanbu to feel this way and I'd push the hotel idea but they are family so you're over a barrel.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 09/03/2012 22:04

I feel for you, I really do. I wouldn't want them staying. However, did you not expect this when you married a man from the Middle East? It does seem to be the way of things when their children live in other parts of the world. I think a compromise is in order. The come for 3 weeks, DH takes the middle week off of work and you are not required to stay in everynight - they can be left to amuse themselves some evenings - and of course, it goes without saying, but they fit in with your lifestyle as you did with theirs when you went there.

HalfPastWine · 09/03/2012 22:05

The language thing might not be as bad as you think either, people always manage to communicate somehow when they speak different languages, maybe learn a few words of her language?

...and teach her a few words in English, I bet she would appreciate it.

Original poster

AGunInMyPetticoat · 09/03/2012 22:10

Thanks! I'm really glad it's not just me being stubborn and selfish. She "has to" come for a month because she lives a five hour flight away and it's apparently not worth it otherwise.

The thing is: where his family is concerned, my otherwise lovely DH is completely spineless. As far as he's concerned, his parents are always right. He also feels obligated to them before anybody else - including me, apparently.

BTW, it's not as though ALL of them are coming. It's only MIL. I'd actually prefer if it were all of them, so that they can do some stuff together etc. MIL has lived in a tiny village all her life; she might have made it to a neighbouring country once, but that's about all her travelling experience. There is simply NO WAY she'd be able to cope with e.g. doing an afternoon of shopping in London without DH or myself being there.

As for the judging thing: no, I can't know that for sure. I DO know that PIL are outraged that BIL is marrying a teacher who intends to keep her job after they get married - that's pretty much my benchmark right now.

OP posts:

startail · 09/03/2012 22:12

YANBU
I can just manage my own parents for three nights over Christmas and my sister for the odd the odd night.

Actually the only house guest I think I could have stood for a month is my late DMIL. I'd have got very fit because we'd have walked every foot path in the district, but she's the one person I know wouldn't have give a monkeys about the state of the house, the behaviour of the DDs or the food. (she was a widowed veggi, who occasionally lapsed at the sight of bacon, totally happy with pretty much anything you threw together).

AgentZigzag · 09/03/2012 22:14

I'm not a widely travelled person but that wouldn't mean I couldn't cope going out on my own in the Big Wide World OP

You never know, she might be raring to go and can't wait to give the old credit card a bashing on Oxford Street

floweryblue · 09/03/2012 22:17

OP, you have my sympathies. DP has told me last night that his DM and her partner are visiting next week, for the week.

DP's mum is fine, we just get tiddled and have a laugh about how similar DP is to her XH. DP's mum's partner is also fine, he is the most boring man on the planet (though not in bed apparently, TMI DP's mum) but he is polite and puts up with me.

I hate, hate, hate having people in my house.

But I have learnt to deal with DP's family visits by taking the attitude that they will have to take me as they find me. I do make an effort with cooking and chatting to them but otherwise they just have to accept that when I come in from work, I don't want to speak for an hour or so. When I have chilled I can be quite nice and I think I have a better, more honest relationship with DP's mum than DP's XW had. Well that's what DP's mum tells me anyway.

The only thing I can suggest OP is that you be you. Your DH might not agree with you but he is not you or his mum. His mum is likely to be interested in your pregnancy and she will want to be friends with you. The two of you are the only people who can work out how that is going to happen.

2rebecca · 09/03/2012 22:46

So will you be working most of the time anyway?

2rebecca · 09/03/2012 22:50

See she's coming over summer. I would be angry about your husband choosing to have HIS mum come to stay whilst you are off and he works. I would insist he takes at least a fortnight off, or tell him you will go and visit your mum as don't intend being a heavily pregnant maid for a month.
I would have insisted 2 weeks max as well. 5 hours flight is just a trip to the canaries. I could understand a month if it was Oz, but even then would suggest 2 weeks with you and 2 weeks touring.

tribpot · 09/03/2012 22:56

He also feels obligated to them before anybody else - including me, apparently.

So he will be taking time off when she's here? Five weeks, to be exact?

Frankly, with the language barrier what the hell is the point of her coming if he doesn't take time off? Who is she meant to talk to? Would there be other women from her country that you could introduce her to?

Is she coming over for when the baby's born? She might be highly dischuffed if she doesn't know yet and has arranged the visit for before then instead.

MadameChinLegs · 09/03/2012 23:01

Have you tried the following line: "I'm just thinking about you, DH. You allready work nights, so looking after your Mum everyday for a month too....talk about burning the candle at both ends. As I don't speak the language, i'll be of little use to you"?

Oh, and my MIL lives local, is a fantastic woman, who speaks the same language as me. I couldn't have her to stay for a month. We'd kill each other.

Angeleena · 09/03/2012 23:05

Perhaps MIL didn't even want to come - it was just decided by her husband that this is what MILs do. Visit with DS's wife.

What on earth is she going to do if she can't converse with you, can't follow tv, can't read a magazine. Might be better if she comes after baby arrives. Then she can help with baby.

Might be better if you insist on 2 weeks only.

My SIL has just been complaining because not very close friends are visiting for 3 nights, she thinks 2 nights is enough.

MaMattoo · 09/03/2012 23:08

Try 3 months! Yup that was me - post csec with first baby in a tiny flat. I can rant nonstop but shall not hijack! Have spent months reflecting on this..

It's quite simple in my head. She wants to meet him and spend time with him. So apart from him taking two long weekends off in this month, he should plan outings and visits while you, rest at home - gives you space and time in your own house.
You carry on with your own life - go out with friends/ family etc. take time out to spend a couple of nights away with your friends - so he can get some quality time devoted to his mum. It's not about you, which is great - make it about both of them and you take time out and relax in the meantime away from both.

IME - men of traditional upbringing behave differently when mommy is around - subconsciously perhaps - but it twists the relationship a bit while mil is around, be prepared for that. Hormones and being pg is going to make you more sensitive anyways..therefore planning this month with military precision to avoid stepped/stepping on ties might be an idea.

YANBU at all. Good luck and sympathies. My fil,mil,sil are coming for a month again this summer - guess who has no annual leave and had a very busy summer term .

Shutupanddrive · 10/03/2012 09:16

YANBU at all. I can see why he wants her to come though, but he needs to at least take a week or two off work so it's not all left to you!

sue52 · 10/03/2012 10:28

YANU A month with someone you like can be too much, a month with someone you have nothing in common with and can't communicate with would be hellish.

mayorquimby · 10/03/2012 10:30

how much of your parents does he put up with?

PBandJSandwiches · 10/03/2012 10:35

Yanbu. Relative live a 24 be flight away and still only come for two weeks.

onelittlefish · 10/03/2012 10:43

YANBU - a month is a long time.

If anyone came to stay with me for that long I would expect that they would be prepared to chip in with housework / cooking and would not be expected to be entertained every day. So long as this is clear from the outset then I think it could actually work. Also, make it clear to DH that this is what you would expect.

I would also make a conscious decision not to get involved in family politics - leave discussions about BIL and anything that could be contentious.

diddl · 10/03/2012 11:02

Well I don´t think that a month is that bad.

Isn´t the problem more that you would be expected to change your ways rather than her just fitting in with yours?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread