About not wanting MIL to stay for a month?

[AGunInMyPetticoat]

I am completely prepared to be told I am - but I really do NOT want her in my home for a month!

First off: I barely know the woman - PIL live overseas and I have met them once for about two weeks. They seemed sweet enough - but then I don't really speak their language (and they speak zero English), so my possibilities of making a bad impression were pretty limited so long as I remained polite. For that reason alone I'm not very happy about the whole idea. DH works nights, which would basically mean that I'd be stranded at home with MIL, whose language I don't speak, for twelve hours overnight five days a week.

There's also the fact that PIL are Middle Eastern, religious and very traditional. MIL had her first child at 15 and has been a SAHM/housewife ever since. Her housekeeping standards are rigorous - mine, ... ahem, ... not so much. There's no way I can manage to live up to her standards - which include three meals being prepared for the family each day and a tea/coffee supply service for her sons while they watch TV. I also absolutely do not wish to spend a month in summer pretending that I usually dress and behave as though I'm a conservative Middle Eastern Muslim (I'm a socially progressive European atheist, thanks!).

I wouldn't mind if I felt I could be myself with her around. The thing is, though, that PIL have been very vocal about how they disapprove of BIL's fiancee and have tried to make him change his mind. There's obviously some standard to be met - and I'm not keen on playing this game!

To make matters worse: I'm pg with my first child. I really DO NOT NEED this sort of stress!

I've told DH that I'm not happy about the idea and have suggested that we pay for a hotel five minutes' walk away. He says I'm being selfish and that everything isn't always about me.

Am I being horrible?

Sympathies, OP. We're in a completely different situation in a way - first baby due in a week, tiny London flat, both sets of parents dying to fly in asap from abroad, though unlikely to stay a month - but there's one similarity. Despite being native English speakers, all four of them are completely helpless in London, get lost on the tube, are afraid to use buses, and while they keep talking about how they are coming over to 'help', the situation is rather the reverse - we will be looking after them, as well as a new baby, so I hear you on how your MIL can't do her own thing.

MIL hasn't actually been mean to you so have to say YAB alittle U. I would guess if she comes she will FUSS over you! ME culture is very family orientated. My DMIL is probably coming in the summer and I am sure she will be fussing over me and the children as she always does when we go there. We have had our spats but I have learnt to pick my battles and let the small things go. Its only once a year! Not saying all people are the same but you just don't know yet as you haven't tried. There is no way your DH will be sending her to a hotel, that would be the biggest disrespect to his parents. Unless there is a GOOD reason. I can't speak Arabic very well, and when I first met PIL not at all. My DMIL and I laughed alot at trying to understand each other :) Put yourself in your DH's positon, how often does he see her? I don't think its a big deal at least until its happened then you will know what to expect in the future and put up a fight if neccessary. Good luck.

Oh, and he should be taking some time off to spend with her.

No you're not A month!

You never know, your MIL may be relishing the chance to escape the rigid traditions of her country, without FIL (as you don't share a language, all you really know about her attitude is through your husband, and from being with her in the presence of your FIL, after all) , and could be much more relaxed than you anticipate.

In the meantime, I'd go with the 'be yourself' advice, above, and perhaps arrange some evenings when you'll be out. And get your husband to take some time off, too.

All I've got to say on this subject is that if my MIL came to stay in my house for 4 weeks I'd buy in a supply of weedkiller! I can understand that she lives abroad and wants to see her son, but my parents have just flown out to seen my sister in Kenya (9 hours flight) they will be staying for 2 weeks, in a "cottage" (for "cottage" read shed) up the road, when they are there my sister will be off work (well she's just had a baby so she's off anyway), when her MIL does the same my BIL will take the time off work as she wants to see him. Is there anyway you can find them a flat to rent for a month or something?

YANBU and YABU!

YANBU for them to think you are conservative middle eastern muslim DIL, but how did they get that impression? Presumably either you gave them that impression or your DH did. Just be yourself, they might even like you for real then. Your MIL may even want to help you while you are pregnant??

YABU a month isn't long. In all seriousness your MIL will probably want to just cook for her son and stock up your freezer for when she goes back. Also thinking about the distance of where they live, they can hardly go home every evening? The hotel idea just doesn't work in some cultures. Why don't you use the time before they get here to learn some of your DH's language (presumably Arabic) so you can at least communicate with your inlaws. It will only make things easier and make them appreciate the effort you've made. I agree with the other poster who said stick to your normal routine so if you need to go out do, but also try and plan some things that will allow you to spend quality time together and get to know each other.

While you are not being totally unreasonable. I think when you marry someone who has close family overseas you have make them welcome even for a month. I would insist your husband took some time off.

I am sympathetic I have my in-laws here for 4 weeks at a time and sometimes I have to go upstairs and rant a bit on my own but making them welcome is very important they are the family of the people I love and if I can't put myself out for a few weeks it's quite sad. Sometimes my DH has to do things that are for me or just the right thing to do that he doesn't fancy.

My advice, let her stay, get a tv and stack of dvds for her room. Be yourself but don't rub her nose in the differences and as a veteran of many of these visits it always goes better when you and your husband make an effort. I know lots on here differ but for me it is much easier now we have children as they love them too and always want to play and chat about them.

I think family should be made welcome, but I do think it's very sexist the way men expect their wives to cater for and entertain their families when they wouldn't reciprocate for their wifes' families.
I think the way to survive this is just to be yourself. if she expects you to be a traditional housewife tough, that's not who you are. This is time for her to learn who you really are. Her expectations are irrelevent. You treat her like a normal guest, and if she's there for a month I'd be expecting her to help with the cooking etc and also to be entertaining herself some of the time as you will still have your social life to get on with. You can't be in entertaining mode for a whole month.
It does sound as though your wishes have been ignored by your husband here and that would annoy me.
I don't understand why she wants to come for a month if she can only speak to her son. It sounds bizarre. Has she been coerced by the menfolk into coming for so long on her own?

Thanks for all the replies!

Just to clarify some stuff: Yes, I get the whole hospitality thing. It's not as though I don't want to see MIL or don't want DH to see her. That part is completely understandable - and actually pretty sweet. For that matter, my MIL is actually a really nice woman.

I am bothered by DH's attitude towards the whole thing.

First of all, there's the fact that he and MIL apparently decided the whole thing without even consulting me. There's also the fact that we'll be attending BIL's wedding right before that and that their plan is to take MIL back with us - which basically means 7 weeks of ILs around non-stop. This is also why DH won't be getting any more time off - he's already been given a holiday so that we can attend the wedding. I'm a freelancer - which basically means that I can make time (though I obviously lose income by doing so).

About the cultural thing: I don't think I ever deliberately gave the impression that I'm anything else than what I really am. However, DH has a definite tendency to embellish things a bit where his family is concerned. He did try to convince me to wear leggings to swim when we went to the beach with BILs (a tourist beach, by the way, tons of bikini clad Europeans - I flat out refused). He's also helpfully announced that when his mother comes I would have to be "a bit more careful about cleaning". What bothers me is that my choice here basically seems to be between changing my habits and risking a huge row with DH.

Someone mentioned how men tend to behave differently around their parents. Unfortunately my DH is a textbook example of this. While normally a civilised, housebroken member of the human species, being around his parents turns him into a couch dwelling baby who is incapable of getting himself a cup of coffee from the kitchen. He seems more than happy to let MIL pick his dirty socks up from the floor - and has no apparent problem with sitting around being useless while I feel obliged to help out in the kitchen. I have absolutely no desire to have that guy hang out at my place, ever!

BTW: None of my family live anywhere near London. DF and his wife used to live abroad. Last time they were here I put them up at a lovely 4* hotel for a week - they even insisted on paying for it.

Also meant to add:

Yes, MIL knows about us having a baby and, no, it's not about her wanting to be there for this. Baby isn't due until several months after her visit and we already have promised to visit with him/her as soon as we can arrange it (i.e. as soon as we can make time and I feel up to it).

I think this is worth having a huge row with your husband over. Why is your MIL coming over if you have just spent 3 weeks with her? It makes no sense.I wouldn't just be putting my foot down here I'd be stamping it, and I rarely argue.
I am someone who needs her own space though and 7 weeks of my own family, let alone someone else's would be far too much for me.
I would be threatening to leave for the 4 weeks and find myself a holiday cottage on my own somewhere.

I wouldn't just be putting my foot down here I'd be stamping it, and I rarely argue.

I agree - which is why DH and I have not been on speaking terms since yesterday.

He seems to think that not wanting to spend every second of my life with his family is somehow tantamount to wanting them out of my life for good. Which it really isn't.

... it also doesn't help that he seems to think me disagreeing about stuff is only ever "hormones" these days. Yes, I'm hormonal at times - that's not the same thing as being incapable of entertaining a rational thought.

Five weeks with someone I get along very well with would kill me, let alone your situation. YANBU and I would be concerned about your stress levels while pregnant, you should be enjoying this time and taking life as easy as possible not facing five weeks of stress and dread.

You say your husband is spineless, good, walk all over him, stamp harder than his family, jump up and down a bit if you have to and insist on sending mil to a hotel.

Your physical and mental health and that of your unborn child are more important than other people's feelings, wants or false sense of entitlement.

There's alot to be said for having a job with only x numbers of weeks annual leave a year! Your husband seems to be making the most of his.

OP we have the same mil in terms of when she had her first kid, her religious views, her little village and also right down to dh working nights and his mummy boy behaviour, the mummy son deciding things between them and the fact that we need to accompany mil on these travels (very expensive).. But she's from europe.

It is a nightmare. If it's just a month that does sound about right for a longish haul trip.

My mil has stayed for 2.5 months. I went bonkers, she went bonkers.

This is what I do now. I spend a week being very attentive and then I just leave her to it - so if she won't venture out (you don't need the lingo to venture out) and is pining for attention then that's her issue and she won't be in such a hurry to do it again.

Cook whatever you normally eat and offer it to her (obviously not anything that would offend her cultural eating requirements if there are any). Do not let your dh bend to her wishes in terms of what you eat (unless you like it too).

Do that - she's complain that she's not wanted (the big victim stuff) and that you're an unworthy wife and next time she comes she'll be in company or not at all.

It's a shame that something so positive (aka seeing her son) should be so negative for other people.

It's going to happen so don't sit there seething -live your life and don't let her interrupt your routines and habits etc. If you dh sits there doing jack shit (like mine does when mil around) just pull him up on it and if his mummy doesn't like it then tough. It's not her marriage.

If you are freelance and soon to be going off on a maternity break, I would personally not want to be taking extra time off just to look after mil especially if you will have just had 3 weeks holiday.

I would be tempted to tell dh that you are prepared to take as much time off to look after mil as he is - more than fair given she is his mother. :o. Also how much time did he take off to entertain your parents when they were over - I would point this out as well as the fact they did the decent thing and 'respected' you by staying in the hotel. Just because he has different cultural expectations doesn't mean he can conveniently ignore yours when he wants - especially if you are from the uk/culturally similar place and this is the cultural norm for where you are. I'd also point out that you are not changing anything - that with pg and working you are finding it hard enough as it is, but he is welcome to pick up the slack if he wants to.

I can see why they thought that it would be a good idea for mil to travel with you if mil is not used to travelling. Although if she lives where you are going for the wedding then the excuse That she needs to spend a long time here due to length of flight is somewhat negated. And as others have said 5 hours isn't really that long a flight these days - would justify a week- maybe a fortnight due to cost if infrequent but no more.

The not having common courtesy to check it all out with you first though is not good and would worry me far more about the state of our marriage and how my husband views it and me.

Maybe you should tell your dh that as neither of you will be around you have booked your mil on a few short breaks (to the Cotswolds/ Brighton/London etc) to enable your mil to see the country and see how he likes arrangements being made behind his back. Not that you need to actually book them of course to make the point. Or book yourself away for a spa or visit to your parents or do things you want to do before the baby arrives.

Sorry this is a bit disjointed - on phone and lots of interruptions. But outraged by the way your dh has arranged this without any thought to you. So I would definitely not feel any compunction in going out of your way to make things any easier for him. I'd also start talking about how you think the sil to be is in the right and there's no way you'd kowtow to any bloke, everybody's equal and really throw the cat in amongst the pigeons. Or decide that you don't feel well enough to travel to the wedding and enjoy 3 weeks at home without anyone else around so you don't have to spend 7 weeks with PIL. Good luck!

giveitago, how do you deal with the spineless behaviour, though? It drives me mad when DH does it!

He's a normal, well-adjusted, competent adult in every respect - except when it comes to his parents. If they say "jump!", DH invariably asks "how high?"

So far he's paid for an extension to their house as well as for university tuition for two of his brothers - in spite of the fact that PIL own a pretty successful business and can afford to pay (FIL thinks his sons owe him for bringing them up ).

DH and I normally have a good relationship and talk openly about stuff. As soon as PIL are concerned, though, he'll revert to toddlerhood and is simply impossible to reason with.

He's made it quite clear that he'd inconvenience himself to any degree to please his parents - that's fine by me (though I do think he ought to grow up, being over 30 and all). The fact that he seems to expect me to do the same is most definitely not!

Maybe you should tell your dh that as neither of you will be around you have booked your mil on a few short breaks (to the Cotswolds/ Brighton/London etc) to enable your mil to see the country and see how he likes arrangements being made behind his back.

... that's downright evil. I like it!

Gun - we it's a source of contention - always. It even involves him prioritising his family over ds. I don't know what the answer it. I've lost alot of respect for him as there's not parity in his loyalty. I just feel like it's a woman's role to enhance the man's life and not at all vice versa

YANBU and the language will be a big issue too - can you imagine spending a month in the same house, being expected to entertain her and you can't even ask what she wants to do, can't discuss anything? There is only so much smiling and nodding you can do.
I speak from experience, I and PIL don't speak the same language and while they are lovely, one dinner (with DH translating) is as much as I can manage. Whole month? No way.

'He seems to think that not wanting to spend every second of my life with his family is somehow tantamount to wanting them out of my life for good. Which it really isn't.'

Yup my dh too and then it's sulks and big victimhood on his part. He knows I'm right but the pull of his family is stronger than that of his wife or kid. Nothing will change that even though he knows it's so unbalanced.

Don't bend to the manipulation from your dh.

"'He seems to think that not wanting to spend every second of my life with his family is somehow tantamount to wanting them out of my life for good. Which it really isn't.'"

But it´s OK for him not to spend every second with them & for you to entertain them?

And what about your family?

I´m abroad & my parents generally visit twice a year for a month each time & I don´t spend every second with them-let alone expecting my husband to!

He gets on OK with them, but there is also an aspect of him "putting up" with it for my sake-as I would for him if his parents came to stay.

But I wouldn´t be expected to wait on them/entertain them full time.

It's a very different situation, but I spent a long weekend in Rome with my DH visiting an old friend of his. It turned out that he had a new girlfriend who didn't speak any English, and I don't speak any Italian. DH and his friend were off reminiscing about old university days the whole time and I was left in the company of the girlfriend. She was very nice but the smiling and nodding got tedious very very quickly, and even just a long weekend was exhausting. I was pg too. YA so NBU.