To not want to leave school near tears every week?

[AngryFeet]

Sorry I know this shouldn't really go here but I don't know what to do and really need some advice.

DS started reception in September (he is Feb born). We are now over halfway through his first year and he still has no friends, none of the children really talk to him and some are nasty to him. I have a DD in Y2 and she had did take a while to make a best friend and there was some low level teasing so I am aware of what kids are like but this is different I think.

At the start DS did struggle to be social with the other kids (possibly a bit shy plus a slight speech delay) and just played alone so they put him in a group with the SENCO twice a week to work on speech and making friends.

This seems to have helped as I have seen him regularly approaching children to show them a toy or tell them something but they all just look at him like he is odd and walk off or just ignore him entirely. I have seen this lots of times now (at drop off, school trips, pick up etc etc). Today I was looking through his school folder and there was an observation sheet filled out by the TA (they have to watch them for half an hour once a term and write down everything they do and say). It started off great with him making numbers out of playdough and proudly showing off what he was doing. Then he wanders to and tries to interact with the others. Both times he is knocked back either by them saying "No don't bring that thing (an elephant toy) here, go away" or just being completely ignored. Each time the TA writes that he wanders off aimlessly.

Last week I saw kids saying "Don't sit next to me XX" when he sat next to them and they quickly moved away or said "sit over there not next to me!". A friend then told me that he DS had been told by others not to invite my son to his birthday as he is a "smelly smelly boy" (he is not).

I don't know if they see him as being different as he can't sit cross legged so has to sit on a chair at carpet time but that is the only thing that sets him apart (he has been referred to an occupational therapist for this)

I just don't know where to go from here. The ladies on the SN board have pointed me in the right direction for assessment in case he has some SN (the leg crossing thing, slight speech delay and he sometimes flaps his hands made them wonder if there was an issue) but I really don't think he does and neither do the school. His teacher says he is immature for his age and really could have done with another year in nursery.

I am sad to leave him every day as he walks into the classroom then just wanders about alone with noone to talk to. He doesn't cry but he is clearly not happy to be there. If he had just one friend to welcome him every day it would help but it is not happening. I have tried some playdates but it hasn't helped. There are two boys who he does get on with but they are in other classes.

Do I just keep going and hope it gets better? At what point do you say "this is affecting him badly"? It can't be good for his self esteem to be knocked back all the time.

What do I do? :(

I'm not doubting what you say at all but that sounds like very odd behaviour from 4year olds, where have they learned that? I would never usually say this but perhaps this is the wrong school for your child, I have 2 school age dc and they usually see every one as the same at this age and move about quite a lot.so for your ds. Is he ever aggressive? Could his communication problems cause him to get frusrated even so I still wouldn't expect small children to behave like this.

Can he be moved to the other class that his friends are in? Have you discussed this with his teacher to see if they can encourage a friendship in the class or to remind children not to leave others out of games?

And another question, why has the TA observed this but not done anything about it? They really should reformulating a plan with you at this stage.

I'm really saddened by your post and so sorry you are both going through this. It seems to me that the primary responsibility is with the school, who are not doing enough (anything?) to help your son make friends, and nor are they doing anything to tackle the deliberate exclusion and other children saying nasty things to and about your son. Your first port of call would be to have a meeting with his teacher, the SENCO and the head to find out exactly what is going on and to get a written strategy and another meeting set to check progress. It sounds like an assessment for special needs other than what you already know about is needed and as there will no doubt be a waiting list, I would get him on it now even if you have no real concerns. Better to get it checked and for it to be shown that there is no problem, than to have him struggle on with inadequate help.

You need to get fierce and start giving the school major hassle, because what happens on their premises is their responsibility. You could also buy that book The Unwritten Rules of Friendship to see if there is anything you could do at home to help him. I hope the school take you seriously straight away and that things change quickly for your little boy...he deserves to be treated with respect and to make some friends. The good news is that friendships can form very quickly at this age.

Have you tried playdates at home? Sorry for all the questions and separate posts, angry baby on my knee!

4yr olds normally dont care about other childrens looks or cultures so most unusual in this case

Everything that TheProvincialLady and Snakesonaplane said. Good luck

Poor lad

I must say I have never experienced reception age children being so deliberately exclusive in that way. Sound like much older children.

OP, I've taken the following from the Emotional Development strand of the current EYFS.

"Has a developing awareness of own needs, views and feelings and is sensitive to the needs, views and feelings of others" is scale point 5.

"Has a developing respect for own culture and beliefs and those of other people" is scale point 6. (Culture and beliefs can be as simple as understanding that people like different food/tv programmes/colours/books and not 'culture and beliefs' as we as adults would understand them. It translates more as "we're all different, and that's ok")

"Considers the consequences of words and actions for self and others" is scale point 7.

As you can see, these are all qualities that children are expected to develop during and throughout their Reception Year. It is hurtful and upsetting to you (and probably your DS too) that the other children are behaving in the way but I was to reassure you that, it might not necessarily signify that this is the way things will always be.

I do think the school need to be more proactive in addressing this though, otherwise some of the children will struggle to reach the higher profile points. I hope you get things sorted for him soon.

I feel really sad for you and your wee boy. Back to the school with it. They should be helping. My son has autism and he had "circle of friends" work done with the ed psych and a specialist teacher and it made a big difference. Keep at the smiling and chatting with other mums and invite kids round, not for forced 'playdates ( unless that is the culture in your school) but just for a wee play after school. Invite the other boys even tho' they are not in his class. Is there any chance he could go back to nursery for a year?
One thing, and I don't mean to be hurtful, I'm sure its just a nasty remark made by a not so nice child, but if there is any possibility you as a family are a wee bit smelly, make extra sure you and he are not.

Hmm, I did feel like the school were being very helpful but looking at it you are right - why was this not dealt with? It is hard to know if I am overreacting or not :( I don't want to go in all guns blazing if it is just kids being kids but it feels odd to me.

I am not there all day so I don't know what goes on. The teacher says that he mainly plays alone but is more chatty in groups. She does encourage any budding friendships she sees with him but nothing has happened with any of them.

But everything I have seen is of him being ignored or teased so what is happening when I am not there?!

It is a good school and his teacher is really lovely - very kind and thoughtful and maternal but she can be firm when needed. Last week I told her about the nastiness I had seen and she was upset about it and told me she would be sitting them all down to talk about how to treat people etc.

What if I pull him out of his class and he doesn't want to go? What if the other classes are just as bad? What if it is him and not them causing the problems?

I will get the book suggested and try some more playdates. Thanks.

Regarding the SN thing I am loathe to do anything about it as I really don't think there is a problem and neither does anyone else. Can you ask for a referral based on so little?

Um not sure on the smelly thing. We are pretty clean people (tidy and clean house most of the time) and can't think of anything unusual. He has clean uniform everyday, clean teeth, bath 3 times a week with hairwash twice, he does still wear pullups at night so I give him a good babywipe wash down below in the morning.

Think that is enough?

That sounds awful and I must agree 4 year olds usually are not so judgemental> The school should have organised a buddy for him really to help in settle in there is usually someone in the class that loves to be the meeter and greeter. This is poor from the school really

I don't think you are over reacting and TBH who cares if the school do? You have witnessed this stuff with your own eyes and that is all that matters. The teacher may be lovely but in other schools a child with these issues might be in a nurturing group or there might be friendship benches etc - there are stretegies they can use to help kids struggling with friendships and your son's school aren't using them. That is unacceptable. Clearly just talking to the class hasn't worked so they need to do more.

Your son already has speech delay and a physical issue that stops him from crossing his legs and you say he sometimes flaps his hands too. He is immature for his age and is struggling to make friends. I know next to nothing about SN but I don't think anyone could reasonably argue that there is nothing there worth assessing. I understand from friends that sometimes individual issues are given attention but it is not until someone looks at the whole child that the root cause is found.

You certainly can ask for a referral: hand flapping; social isolation; speech delay; motor difficulties, taken together would seem cause for investigation even if it comes to nothing.

I'm sorry for your little boy. My autistic child had similar difficulties in reception with speech, not knowing how to play and so on.However, he was never excluded by the other kids, got party invites and so on. It's got harder as the years go on because the gap is widening between him and his peers, but in reception it wasn't an issue.

If I witnessed my son being rejected in that way I'd be straight over pointing out how unkind that was, but I am forthright.

I do think a class move wouldn't be a bad idea, fresh start and all that.
If it continued I wouldn't mess about, I'd change schools, even home ed if I felt he was seriously emotionally affected...

You've mentioned communication problems and that he is still in pull u think he perhaps has some developmental delays? If so I would have thought a referral to SN would be a good thing.

Have just read your post about cleanliness - I wonder whether he needs a shower or bath in the morning? Older children's wee can really stink and my 3 year old sometimes needs one in the morning as a baby wipe just won't get rid of it.

I have to agree that I dont think the school is being helpful. Organising him a buddy would be great, and also talking to the children on their level about how it isnt nice to be mean.

My own DS has SN - he has ASD and learning difficulties and so although he doesnt have any 'friends' the whole class have taken him under their wing and really look after him.

Can you help him make friendships out of school? Can he join a club or invite people over for tea?

I would also agree that it may be time for some kind of investigation.

This book is great for helping children learn that its okay to be different

Yes maybe a quick bath in the morning. I had better start going to bed earlier!

I agree a buddy system would be a good one and am surprised it has not been thought of. It seems like they are just hoping something will change but my worry is that it will not.

Something I have noticed this term is that his temper at home is quite bad. He often gets very frustrated if he feels we are "not listening" to him and he has begun lashing out at his sister.

He has an assessment next week with a private SALT as the NHS one in the area is not very good so hopefully this will help.

I think I will talk to his teacher after school today to see what can be done.

Would agree with define, my dd is in a very small class she has one child with SN at 4 she came home saying that sometimes this child hit etc, we chatted about it but the school had actually done a really good job because it was an opportunity to teach the children about kindness and helping. The children in her class are all very protective of her and encouraging, they're now in there 3rd year at school and are reading etc whereas this child recently did her first spelling test on the basics and the rest of the class were so genuinely pleased for her and with her progress. School should be promoting a community, caring atmosphere where all children are important.

It's Important that children understand we aren't all the same but I think first it's important to work out why the children are like this with him. Is he behaving differently towards them, aggressive or just unable to communicate with them, if so what's causing that? Are the children picking up his differences and not being taught how to deal with them? I know it might be upsetting but I wouldn't have thought that children of that age would pick up a bullying mentality and all treat him the same just because he was shy etc

I really would be organising a meeting with the school and trying to a formulate a plan with them and ruling out SN.

X posts sorry

Poor wee boy :(

I agree that you should get an assessment done, there are enough 'bits' that indicate possible 'SN' and if he does have any SN's the earlier he gets help the better. I know it's scary and not what you want to hear though :(

The teacher sounds nice - though I'm surprised what you have told her comes as news to her, she's in the classroom with them pretty much all day and she must have read the TA's report.

As for the smell. Well, kids say things like that just to be horrible, sometimes without there being any grounds for it, but most of the time there's something that triggers off that particular nasty name. I would start showing him every morning, it only takes a couple of minutes. I would also ask a friend who would tell me the truth - one from a different background is possibly more 'use'. We all have 'a smell' and because we are used to it, we can't smell it ourselves, it might even be a nice smell - just different. This thread is enlightening/funny and worth a read HERE

I would try all you can the rest of this school year - if it's no better by the end of this year then I would ask for him to be in a class with the friends he does have who are currently in different classes.

Cross posted with you :)

If you don't have a shower, just get an attachment that goes on the bath taps and give him a shower, honestly, it's so much quicker than faffing with the bath. He can still have his baths at night to relax/play :)

I'm surprised the school has no buddy system...perhaps you could suggest it?

Also, our school has a 'Playground Squad'...it consists of about 8 or 10 very trusted children who have been trained by the staff in how to set up and run group games.

There are little circles painted on the playground at certain points, and any child who has no-one to play with stands on one. Then a member of the playground squad will come and get them so they can join in the games. This way no child is alone unless they want to be.

I really would have a word with the school about this sort of thing.