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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To now not want to go??

74 replies

curiousgeorgie · 08/03/2012 19:43

After a horrible two weeks (had a miscarriage, been really down) my DH booked a suprise trip away for me and him this weekend leaving tomorrow...

He's just told me to pack for 20ish degrees and we'll be leaving in the morning.

We have a 16mo DD and DH had arranged for my parents to look after her for the weekend, but my mum was unable to get today or monday off of work at such short notice so DH had asked his dad if she could spend friday morning there, then my mum will collect her, drop her off on her way to work on monday morning and we will pick her up monday about midday.

But his mum has just called asking about what time our flight is and what time she will have to get up. DH told her we will drop DD off around 7.30 (with my mum collecting her at 1) and from his side of the conversation it didn't sound positive. I heard him saying 'Are you not happy to have her then?' and 'She usually sleeps till about 8.30 so maybe she'll stay asleep' and then.. 'if we bring the travelcot you can put her in it like a playpen'. (She has her own cot at my mums)

Now I just feel like she doesn't really want her there, and the likelihood is she'll spend much of the morning sitting miserable in a travelcot. My mum would have to drop her off there about 8 on monday morning to get to work so I feel like she's looking at 2 mornings like this!

It's not nice to have to think that she'll be spending time somewhere she's not wanted.

I've told DH I don't want to go and he has gone crazy.

AIBU?? WWYD?

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 09/03/2012 12:54

Showing her how much he loved her by freaking out when she said she didn't want to go, you mean?

Making her feel that she had no option but to go no matter how she felt about it?

Yeah, how romantic

How important she must feel to be doing something she doesn't want to do when she's really upset because that's what's been decided for her.

I always feel important when forced into doing things.

CadburyFan · 09/03/2012 13:00

OK, I may be misssing something obvious due to not being UK resident, but why cant they both take DD away with them for the weekend?

This would seem to solve most issues about a woman not wishing to be separated from her surviving child whilst grieving for her lost one (except for the bleeding. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage OP)

I am also not so keen to jump to the conclusion that DH is necesarily such a lovely man based on:
"I've told DH I don't want to go, and he has gone crazy"
"DH said I was being silly, and that they adore her. Then he just got angry that I said I didn't want to go" etc

lavender11 · 09/03/2012 13:08

curious
i don't know the answer to your dilemma -
all i can say is you have a lovely lovely husband and you are extremely lucky
he is trying very hard

DinahMoHum · 09/03/2012 13:24

you cant not go. Your dc will be absolutely fine.

WhoremoaneeGrainger · 09/03/2012 13:33

But A Thing - he has probably booked it with her best interests at heart, maybe thinking that it will help their JOINT grieving process. Dad's have feelings too, and miscarriages affect them deeply as well.

I dont think any woman should be forced to do anything they dont want to, but if i were the OP i would have gone, and appreciated the fact that my wonderful DH had taken the time and effort to do something nice for me, for us, at a very difficult time. It might not have been what i would do, or want to do, but i would appreciate the effort he made.

I agree with imnotmymum in that he was making a his DW/DP feel special.

I hope they have a lovely weekend together, and come home to a perfectly happy DD who has had a lovely time herself.

So many times we hear about men who apparently have no feelings/show mo feelings in these situations.

Good on you, OP's DH.

callmemrs · 11/03/2012 08:50

I think your dh is being very thoughtful and has realised you both need this break.

Go. You will feel better for it.

And your dd will be fine. Your dh is hardly going to leave his child with someone who won't care for her. MILs way of looking after her may be slightly different but that doesn't make it wrong.
It sounds as though her house isn't set up for her grandchild simply because she doesn't have her there that often. Your mum has a cot at her house because she presumably looks after your dd more often. Hardly MILs fault that she doesnt.

It may be that she keeps her in a travel cot a bit longer than your like, but that won't do any harm for two mornings! She can have toys in there and play perfectly happy with MIL pottering around. It's not like it's regular childcare where you'd want more stimulation. It's two mornings- well - one if your friend has her on the Monday! Drop your dd off on the Friday. Call at the time your mum will pick her up and I'm sure you'll find everything is fine. Ignore the scaremongerers on here who tell you they'd never let their dc out of arms reach until they go to school or whatever. It isn't helpful or supportive

AThingInYourLife · 11/03/2012 09:13

It's kind of sad that if a man does ANYTHING for his wife that it creates an obligation for her to be grateful and go along with it even if she does not want to.

Because he's a man, he gets to decide what is best for both of them.

Being the one who actually had the miscarriage counts for fuck all - men's grief is so much more important if they actually bother to feel it.

It's AOK for a "grieving" man to freak out at the wife he us supposedly being so kind to because she doesn't agree about what is best for her.

It's like the dark ages - "you can't not go"

If you were married to a good man, you could absolutely not go with no tantrums or pressure.

callmemrs · 11/03/2012 09:15

I'm listening to the ops feelings about the man she married- which are very positive and that he's a lovely thoughtful husband and father.

Not to AThings bigoted ranting about half the human race

exoticfruits · 11/03/2012 09:35

You have a lovely DH -I would go with it.
MIL will be fine when she is there-she probably just likes a moan.

callmemrs · 11/03/2012 09:36

Op also said her MIL is "lovely". Not some childcatcher!!

Hope op has gone and is having a fab time

exoticfruits · 11/03/2012 09:44

Anyone might have a quick moan if they have to get up early-it doesn't mean that they really mean it!

fedupofnamechanging · 11/03/2012 09:54

I think ATIYL has a point. I'm sure the dh meant well, if he is generally a loving husband, but he hasn't actually thought about his wife. He hasn't considered that she is still bleeding, so travel might not be comfortable and he hasn't considered that she might not want to leave her child right now.

Maybe it's just me, but I can't see a weekend away being much help to the OP. She will still be grieving and physically uncomfortable, just in a different location and worrying about her dc.

AThingInYourLife · 11/03/2012 10:05

I'm not ranting about half the human race, just the gobshite handmaidens on MN who tell a woman who has just miscarried that she has to go on a trip she doesn't want to go on to mollify the husband that is throwing a strop because she doesn't want to do what he thinks is best.

It's sad that you fuckers only know selfish cunts of men, and so think any criticism of male selfishness says something about all men.

In fact, lots of men are very kind to their wives and wouldn't dream if browbeating them into a holiday they didn't want straight after a miscarriage.

The question on this thread was basically:

Do I have to go on this trip even though I don't want to?

Most people said yes.

That is fucking pathetic.

callmemrs · 11/03/2012 10:22

Dear me AThing- you seem to be projecting far too much about your own relationships with men on to this thread!!

JustHecate · 11/03/2012 10:28

You poor thing.

He really should have listened to what you want, and not pushed you into what he thinks you want/ought to want, getting angry with you when you didn't comply/weren't grateful to him. I don't doubt his heart was in the right place, as they say. Insofar as he wasn't organising this trip to hurt you or anything! He thought it would be good. He thought it would be nice. He thought it would help.

But there's an opinion missing from all that. And it's an opinion that matters. It's the opinion of the person who is still bleeding after a miscarriage and who probably doesn't really want to be separated from her toddler after losing her baby, and who is clearly saying she's not going to enjoy this.

I don't think someone gets points for making someone else do something because they've decided it's the best thing for that person and they HAVE to comply and enjoy it.

I think it's really sad and I hope you are ok.

PingPongBallsRMoving · 11/03/2012 10:41

YABU I understand it has been a difficult time. You need a break. You know deep down it'll all be OK.

weevilswobble · 11/03/2012 19:51

So....? Did you have a nice weekend?

imnotmymum · 12/03/2012 08:12

How are you this morning OP did you have a lovely time and I do hope you are feeling a little better.

treadwarily · 12/03/2012 10:51

No YANBU to not want to go. I imagine you feel v fragile and probably want nothing more than to be close to your 16mo.

I think your dh sounds like a lovely, well-intentioned person, but that in itself doesn't mean you have to go.

Probably too late, you have probably gone. Just want you to know that I think your feelings were very valid.

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 13/03/2012 10:50

Hi everyone,

Just an update! I did go, it was amazing (but a 9 hour flight away!! Now I know why he didn't want to take DD last minute!) and we actually had a really brilliant time.

MIL was not in the best mood when we dropped DD off, and when I gave her a list of emergency numbers she said she wasn't feeling well and maybe she would call someone. I said that I'd asked all the people on the list to have DD already and none of them were free (until my mum at lunch time)... so she said okay, no problem and we left. We were at the airport waiting to board when my mum called me to say that MIL had called her saying she couldn't cope and would my mum come early.. which she did (and got grief for it at work) and that she was in her travelcot still in her pj's. (as she was asleep when we took her so hadn't dressed her yet).

But she was fine, I suspect she spent the two and a half hours sitting in there but she's fine, and had a nice weekend with my parents who took them out with my neice and nephew on sunday.

I had such a lovely time with DH, I know he was only pissed at me saying I didn't want to go now because he's spent quite a lot of money and really wanted to cheer me up. Which it has, I suppose :)

Now to unpack and do some washing! ;)

OP posts:

imnotmymum · 13/03/2012 10:54

Oh welcome home and glad you had a great time !!!

Dozer · 13/03/2012 10:54

Glad you had a good time OP.

DinahMoHum · 13/03/2012 11:03

glad you had a great time, what a lovely thing for your dp to do x

weevilswobble · 13/03/2012 20:53

Massive well done to you. It was a v stressy situation, but you did really well. Poor MIL, she must have been quite out of her depth. Hurrah for your parents.

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