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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To now not want to go??

74 replies

curiousgeorgie · 08/03/2012 19:43

After a horrible two weeks (had a miscarriage, been really down) my DH booked a suprise trip away for me and him this weekend leaving tomorrow...

He's just told me to pack for 20ish degrees and we'll be leaving in the morning.

We have a 16mo DD and DH had arranged for my parents to look after her for the weekend, but my mum was unable to get today or monday off of work at such short notice so DH had asked his dad if she could spend friday morning there, then my mum will collect her, drop her off on her way to work on monday morning and we will pick her up monday about midday.

But his mum has just called asking about what time our flight is and what time she will have to get up. DH told her we will drop DD off around 7.30 (with my mum collecting her at 1) and from his side of the conversation it didn't sound positive. I heard him saying 'Are you not happy to have her then?' and 'She usually sleeps till about 8.30 so maybe she'll stay asleep' and then.. 'if we bring the travelcot you can put her in it like a playpen'. (She has her own cot at my mums)

Now I just feel like she doesn't really want her there, and the likelihood is she'll spend much of the morning sitting miserable in a travelcot. My mum would have to drop her off there about 8 on monday morning to get to work so I feel like she's looking at 2 mornings like this!

It's not nice to have to think that she'll be spending time somewhere she's not wanted.

I've told DH I don't want to go and he has gone crazy.

AIBU?? WWYD?

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2012 20:45

No, she hasn't made it clear, but that's the impression she's given her son.

And unless I was convinced that the impression was false, I wouldn't be leaving her in charge of my one year old.

The attitude of "fuck it, she'll be fine, even if her grandmother doesn't want her" is weird to me.

I can quite understand why the OP wouldn't be happy to go away with that kind of uncertainty about her daughter's care to worry about.

ledkr · 08/03/2012 20:45

I am a granny and i can often be a bit vague about having dgs cos im very busy myself and have a baby even younger than him. When he is actually here though im fine and wouldnt dream about being off with him.
I should go,it will do you good and two less than perfect mornings wont cause her any real harm.

AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2012 20:46

"so what if she's not particularly looking forward to it now, gps have to take the rough with the smooth."

and toddler too, apparently Hmm

startail · 08/03/2012 20:46

My DH has never in 23 years booked a surprise trip awayEnvy

GO!

MIL will get over the grumps and GC will be fine. I grump at the thought of anything to do before 8 am.

imnotmymum · 08/03/2012 20:51

Athing you are being totally negative for what reason ?? Have you had a negative experience ?? "The attitude of "fuck it, she'll be fine, even if her grandmother doesn't want her" is weird to me." Has anyone said this ???? OP ignore this negative poster and go for it

narniasnarnia · 08/03/2012 20:51

You only heard one side of the conversation. It could well have been MIL getting worried about what to do with a toddler for a whole morning, eg how are we going to entertain her for all that time, which doesn't mean she doesn't want to have her just that she's thinking about how she's going to cope, and your DH getting annoyed with her.

I would definitely go, your DH has put a huge effort into doing something really lovely for you becasue you're feeling low, don't disappoint him.

Dozer · 08/03/2012 20:51

Yanbu, in your shoes, even setting aside the childcare thing I would hate a surprise weekend away and the accompanying pressure to be grateful / cheer up / move on / have "couple time" etc.

Some people like surprises some don't. If you are one of the latter and your DH has booked a trip anyway then he is NOT being thoughtful / considerate.

microserf · 08/03/2012 20:56

i'd definitely go, your dh sounds lovely. can you talk to her yourself and get comfortable.

seriously, i've also had a mc, and i think it sounds like a lovely idea.

Snakeonaplane · 08/03/2012 20:56

Athing if she didn't want to she wouldn't have said yes, we have only overheard to conversation so to speak, she is probably just working out how nit will work.

OP how is she with the baby usually? When I'm feeling down everything seems like hard work and I feel on edge at the slightest little things, in the end you'll have a lovely time.

imnotmymum · 08/03/2012 20:58

OP I hope you do not post anything then we know you are packing !!! Enjoy some couple time bless you and your family !!

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 08/03/2012 21:13

What did your dh say about his mother?

All this aside, I agree it is a good idea to go, but also agree you need to be reassured mil is ok with it.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 08/03/2012 21:24

What did your DH say about the conversation?

Your DH sounds really lovely and it sounds like he has worked really hard to organise this.

But I can understand why you feel that you don't want to go. I wouldn't relax either if I was worried my child wasn't wanted and perhaps wasn't being take care of properly.

Can you talk to your DH about your concerns and be reassured by what he thinks of his conversation with his mother? This is his daughter after all, and he was the one who had the conversations with his mother. If he was concerned after this, would he want to leave her there even for just a few hours?

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 08/03/2012 21:24

Not packing... have had to put some things on a quick wash and send DH to Tescos to buy four days baby supplies (he might be good at booking a trip but he is NOT good at being prepared for it.

I feel like an ungrateful cow to be honest, I would really rather not go. Im still bleeding (TMI sorry) and the thought of sitting on a plane etc is just making me feel uncomfortable. MIL is usually lovely, so hearing DH's responses to her on the phone just made me feel really uneasy.

I'm going to have to go. It's cost quite a bit apparently and although we do okay, we can't afford to throw the money away so I don't really have a choice.

I know DH is sweet to do it, but (maybe its a bit PFB) but I hate leaving my DD at all, let alone where I feel she's not really wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 08/03/2012 21:26

DH said I was being silly, and that they adore her. Then he just got angry that I said I didn't want to go...

OP posts:
LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 08/03/2012 22:04

I understand you not wanting to leave her, after tge mc you will want to pull her closer. It should do you some good to go, dd sounds like she will be lovely, dh could probably do with the trip also.

goodenufparent · 09/03/2012 02:35

curious, I hope you went for it and left your lo with your mil, hormones will still be rattling around your system from the mc making you feel more vulnerable than usual. Sounds as if her gran really loves your lo (or your dh woudn't have considered asking her to look after his dd?) but is maybe a bit nervous about the sudden responsibility at short notice and asking some questions.

Your dh is trying to do something nice for you both, how will you feel if you don't go? how will he feel? he obviously thinks you need a bit of time together away from 'carrying on as normal' when you have actually suffered a loss. I have had 2 mc's and in hindsight it would have been hard for anyone to have done anything 'right' for me in the immediate aftermath. Its easy to get annoyed at those closest to us for trying to do the right thing when nothing feels right. Your dd will not suffer; she will have a different experience for 2 mornings of her life with people who are family and who love her and are trying to help you and dh through a difficult time.

Look after yourself, try and enjoy the break. One day you will be looking back on this time and it will be from a different perspective.

iscream · 09/03/2012 04:44

curiousgeorgie , I hate getting up early, I am not used to it anymore, been at home for years now. However once I am up and get a coffee into me, I am just fine. Maybe bring some coffee and bagels, cheese and strawberries to drop off with your little one.

Enjoy your week-end away.

CadburyFan · 09/03/2012 05:04

Why can't you take DD with you?
Should hardly cost anything extra

saffronwblue · 09/03/2012 05:17

Sorry about your m/c. It is normal to feel more fragile and anxious afterwards and not really feel jolly about surprises. I hope you have gone away and are haivng a lovely weekend somewhere special.

jubilee10 · 09/03/2012 05:41

I didn't want my ds to go on a school trip after my m/c. It leaves you feeling very vulnerable. I don't like surprises and would not have wanted to go away, leaving my dc with anyone so YANBU.

It may be your dh got angry as he realises this was not such a good idea but he would have meant it for the best. I hope you are able to enjoy it.

AThingInYourLife · 09/03/2012 11:13

I think it's really sad that a woman who just had a miscarriage and doesn't feel like going on a surprise holiday feels browbeaten into it because other people think it is best for her.

:(

What a way to be looked after when you're feeling down.

It's OK to want to stay at home with your child when you're feeling emotionally and physically battered, and just because someone does something with the best of intentions doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

The OP's feelings were trampled on here so her DH could feel good about himself. Appalling advice.

imnotmymum · 09/03/2012 11:18

Well I think he was being lovely and we often do not feel like doing something but when she there and relaxing and thinking about the future and mourning their loss together without the reminders all around them I bet she will feel a little stronger. Really do not see it as DH feeling good about him self but then maybe I am not that cynical and just a romantic

AThingInYourLife · 09/03/2012 11:53

What's so romantic about wanting an unhappy woman to take a trip she doesn't want to go on?

Just because her husband was being sweet doesn't create an imperative for her to do what he has decided.

It's OK for a woman to be the most important person sometimes.

imnotmymum · 09/03/2012 12:41

Oh you missing my point completely !! I believe he was making the woman the most important thing in the world and showing her how much he loves her !! AThing not saying she hasto do as her man says or all womanhood will be at amiss, I just think it sweet and I hope she updates us on her return

Bellstar · 09/03/2012 12:51

Actually I agree with Athing. I would not be happy going at all-and I say this as some one who rarely leaves her dcs with gps as they only ever show any interest on their terms.

I totally relate to the comment re the dcs getting up in the morning too-my mil doesnt get out of bed before 11am and purpoesfully keeps my dcs up very late so that they will sleep in and she can get peaceAngry My fil gets up at the crack of dawn-to go play golfAngry oh and before I get accused of being entitled-they watch my dcs once a year on our anniversary.

Dont go op-you will only spend the whole time worrying and taking it out on dh. Or go and take your dcs with you....

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