Sis slagged of my parenting choices with my DS

[twinklingfairy]

When my DS, now 3, was a baby, we chose to co sleep because he was a clingy baby.
He was born 4 weeks early, after an awful pregnancy full of worry and fears, he only weighed 4llb 4oz
When we got him home, he would sleep for 2 hours and scream for 2 hours, 24-7.
Until we had an appointment 100 miles away for a doc to check out his nether regions (they thought he had issues, turned out he didn't) but the first thing she said was 'Righto, we can get that Hernia sorted.'
eh?
HV visits, doc appointments and everyone thought I was just not hadling it cos DD had been so easy.
Nope, Hernias at 6 weeks and still only about 6lbs.
Another 100 miles down the country to get them sorted.
That was his beginning. That, the world and it's mother believed explains why he was so clingy as a baby.
So we co slept, to try to get sleep.
By about 6 months my sis, her BF (now her DH) and my mum were perfectly open in their opinions that I was doing it wrong and should have him in his own room.
Actually in with DD, we only have 2 rooms.
I disagreed, saying it would be more disruptive for me, to have to wander the house all night and for DD to be woken all night by comings and goings.
But they didn't let up.
At 9 months, I doctored his cot to be a side car to our bed. Though in honesty he was till next to me.
by 11 months I pulled up DDs spare bed, put it next to hers and put DS cot as side car to it.
So, relented basically.
Truth was, I then slept in between the pair of them and DH got our bed to himself.
But it kept them off my back. (though didn't stop them talking about me when my back was turned. I heard them through the bathroom window. To this day they don;t know I heard them discussing me)

It was horrid having to go to my mums house to be told/asked again was DS in his own bed/bedroom yet?
My having to avoid it or lie. I don't do lying, it is not in my nature, so made me very unhappy but, if I didn't they would all go on again. Lightheartedly but still judging and finding me failing, was how it felt.

Eventually DS settled, around the 1 year mark and he was able to be in DDs room, in his own cot and it stopped.

But even then, when DS was nearly 2. Sis BF, said to me one day, when DS was clamering to get up in my arms 'You cuddle him too much, you know'

I mean?! What!
Yes, DS was a clingy child, is now a very affectionate little boy, who still loves his cuddles and tells me all th etime that he Loves me. How can you give a child too much cuddles if it is what he wants? What harm can it do?

Now, my sis has her own baby and is worrying herself silly, over every little thing.
Says she doesn't want to get it wrong.
I tell her there is no 'wrong' only a mummy doing her best and that is the very best and most 'right' thing she can do.
Constantly reassuring her that she is doing great, being a fabby mummy.

But boy o boy do I want to say something about how much their behaviour hurt and upset me.
But more so I worry that she won't let herself enjoy her baby.

I am being unreasonable in my desire to say, 'see, I will not do to you what you did to me. Even if I disagree with how you are doing it, I would never say so because I know how it hurts'
I never will (say it) but I really want to sometimes.

Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.

YANBU... Two wrongs don't make a right so you're probably best not saying anything. However, if something bitchy in the 'now you know how I felt' vein slips out, I wouldn't blame you :) Unless she's completely self-absorbed, I'm sure she knows that she's made a pratt of herself in the past

My mum thought I got it spot on with DD, in her cot after feeds, in her bouncy chair during the day etc.
DS was completely different. Wouldn't settle in the cot, hated his chair, just wanted me.
So I changed.
Also I was more informed, more relaxed. If I could have done all that I did with DS, with DD I would go back and change it all, in a heartbeat.
My mum just mocked, with a smile, that I was too soft on him.
Perhaps, yes. She felt her input helped with DD but I was ignoring her completely with DS.

Sis has 'rules' for her life. created by her. But when she was so vocal in agreeance with my mum, I worry that she will stop herself from cuddling her DS simply because to do so would be to go back on all that she said about my methods.

I think you sound like a lovely mum :o Your family have been totally unreasonable, but your sis now has a chance to learn those lessons. Be kind and forget the past and teach her how to be a good mum too. She'll need your help if your mum and her DH are similar with her as they were with you.

Hmm. I'm more a 'clear the air' type person and actually think levelling with her about the whole topic might make the whole think less emotionally charged. Providing you are not hurtful about what she is doing in a 'tit for tat' way and just plainly say what you feel, I think you should go for it. If you can avoid ANY mention of the details and just say 'we both have our own way, yours is working for you, mine for me' maybe she will get the hint.

I don't think there is such a thing as a 2 year old being cuddled to much by his Mother. I do agree that you should bury the past and be as helpful as possible with your DSis and her baby as hard as that must be. Enjoy the moral victory but keep it to yourself.

Show them this or the hundreds of other pieces of research.

Be the bigger person.

And to add YANBU

When I think of it my regret is not just holding baby ds for the hell of it. I read too many magazines as I wanted to get things right (I don't have a mum) and read that you shouldn't cuddle you baby too much. So I didn't . Baby ds is now 10 and comes for a night time cuddle so I am hoping I haven't done him any harm.

I think you should be proud of the close relationship you gave with your children, and confident in your own decisions.

If your sister asks for your advice, give it, but don't turn it into a row.

You must be an absolute saint not to have decked your mother and sister before now!

If your sister is genuinely a nice person and you think she was just being a bit silly before then I think it would be very kind of you to say something along the lines of "I know it's hard and it's ok to change your mind about things, just try whatever works, I'll help you." Just let her know that she doesn't have to stick to her idiotic opinions and that you won't lord it over her for admitting she was wrong.

If she's generally a knob, like my sister, then I would advise cackling and saying "Ha a taste of your own medicine, bitchface"

Good you came on here to vent.
Be the better person & do not dredge up the past however much she deserves it.
But I wouldn't blame you for being a bit cool towards her, wrt emotional support.
She's family & you're stuck with her, the past is not worth creating friction about.

Oh god, just ignore them. You sound like a lovely mum and a good sister!

How bizarre for anyone to think cuddling a child is wrong. That's just insane

YANBU

No such thing as too many cuddles.

Help is supporting your decision, helping you catch up on sleep or having DC overnight so you get a break. It is annoying when people are vociferous in sharing an opposite opinion and are basically rating you as a parent. They are wrong - your family; your rules. Practise saying 'Whatever works for you, we have decided this works for us' and 'can we change the subject now please, this isn't something we are going to agree about'.

I think that if you parent in a very different way, some people see it as an attack on their parenting style and will launch a pre-emptive and contrary attack. It is their problem not yours.

I did not co-sleep with DS but he was in our room (in a cot) until he was 9 months old. They are only babies for such a short amount of time and I am glad we did this.

My friends wife regularly mentioned her youngest was in a cot in her own room at 2 weeks. One day when she went out of the room, friend told me his oldest still came into their bed.

Some people think cuddling children makes them appear weak in the eyes of the child. They view children as the enemy, and think that a distance has to be kept at all times or the child won't listen to them when they get older. They're usually the same kind of people who advocate smacking.

I never really 'get' this 'be the bigger person' thing. They made you feel like shit (and you sound like a wonderful mother btw) and I think they deserve to be told that they did this. It might make them a bit more careful in how they treat people in the future.

I wouldn't have a big, steaming row over it, but I would tell my sister how I felt and express my opinions (especially the bit about how you are worried she won't enjoy her baby because of her rigidity). I think no good comes of burying what you feel, as this has impacted on your relationship with both your mum and sister and still bothers you, years down the line.

i co-sleep with DD. Not for any attachment parenting reasons but just so we can both get some sleep. Do what works for you.

I bet OP's sister doesn't even remember her comments, probably thinks she was just making idle chitchat-to-show-I'm-interested remarks back then. The best time to say something was back then, it won't do any good now.

And if she does remember saying them, and truly meant them, she'll trot them out again only this time with vitriol because she's so wrapped up in her own PFB experience. No good can come of rehashing, at least not for now.

Twinkling we have the same mum
Seriously she trotted out classics such as 'babies need to learn how to cry themselves to sleep' and 'why are you cuddling him/her? they are asleep put them in the cot' and 'put them upto bed(at 6 weeks old) you can get some rest, they won't cry long' and the ultimate 'it's because you spoilt them with all that cuddling'
Now apart from that my mum is pretty much ok but she had 2 kids she didn't want and her world was turned upside down. Still just because she did things her way didn't mean I had to.
And yes you sound like a wonderful mum, just like me in fact. I have co-slept to help them settle and to get sleep and I am always cuddling my dc's. Can't remember getting a cuddle from mum after the age of 5ish.

Maybe talk with your sis about how even though you have a plan for how to raise your kids they never received the memo. Most babies thrive on all the cuddles and closeness you have given, if she is restricting that she may well feel guilty about it and that's not a nice feeling

I'm kind of with Karma to be honest. I'd love to say, be the bigger person, but that is bollocks really. No one notices if you are. There are ways of indicating it, but only by saying something

I'd make it clear that she should 'do what she feels is right because it's very hurtful when people, especially close family who should be supportive, judge and snark about things'. Then drop in, #I should know, I had you lot on my back. but then I was happy and secure in my choices and still am.#

Sis BF, said to me one day - sorry, who was it said this? Is this sis's best friend, boyfriend...?

Is there a bit of a bullying culture in your family? because imo this sounds like bullying. they picked on you and ganged up together. Do they have form for this?

Before you think I'm going too far down this line - why did you end up sleeping in the kids' bedroom (our of the marital bed) "to get them [your mother and sister] off your back"? Were they living in your house and knew exactly your sleeping arrangements? was it any of their business?

To make such a fuss of something so insignificant - and still be bleeting about it 2 years later (to the point that they passed on their criticism to a friend/boyf?) would suggest they are well into your boundary 'fence'. It's a bit shocking that your sister didn't even have any children when she was vociferous in her criticism .

You all sound a bit in each other's pockets really. Or, more importantly, they're deep in yours

Fuck em, sleep where you like and how you like. If it were not for a little babe being freaked out by a freaked out mother, I'd let your sister sink iiwy. But you can't do that unfortunately

You sound like a fabulous mother OP.

sounds just like my sister! she still wanks on about how extended bfing is tantamount to sexual abuse and now other family members are on about it too. and co-sleeping will kill etc etc. We are constantly being told we're doing things wrong. luckily DH is with me on the 'fuck 'em' school of thought.

sadly my sis has gone down the SWMNBN route of child-rearing, and any time she complains about anything with her DS, and I say something like 'oh, it's so difficult, isn't it? we found (e.g.) lots of cuddles soon stopped the incessant screaming!' she'll go 'well, u know ur bub hun, but we're letting him cry it out, I won't let him manipulate me' whilst I try not to stick a fist through the monitor (we only chat on FB now, as it prevents either of us from breaking our phones in a rage) or break the desk with my forehead.

so no, YANBU, and you sound like a good mum.

I agree that you should say something to your sister. Why not?

But I think that this is less about them and more about you. Why did it bother you what they said? You already had a DD (if I read your OP correctly) so you weren't a parenting novice. You should have either told them "thanks for your comments, but we are doing what works for us" (polite version) or "mind your own fucking business, what the fuck do you know about looking after a baby anyway?" (less polite version)

I also agree