Sis slagged of my parenting choices with my DS

[twinklingfairy]

When my DS, now 3, was a baby, we chose to co sleep because he was a clingy baby.
He was born 4 weeks early, after an awful pregnancy full of worry and fears, he only weighed 4llb 4oz
When we got him home, he would sleep for 2 hours and scream for 2 hours, 24-7.
Until we had an appointment 100 miles away for a doc to check out his nether regions (they thought he had issues, turned out he didn't) but the first thing she said was 'Righto, we can get that Hernia sorted.'
eh?
HV visits, doc appointments and everyone thought I was just not hadling it cos DD had been so easy.
Nope, Hernias at 6 weeks and still only about 6lbs.
Another 100 miles down the country to get them sorted.
That was his beginning. That, the world and it's mother believed explains why he was so clingy as a baby.
So we co slept, to try to get sleep.
By about 6 months my sis, her BF (now her DH) and my mum were perfectly open in their opinions that I was doing it wrong and should have him in his own room.
Actually in with DD, we only have 2 rooms.
I disagreed, saying it would be more disruptive for me, to have to wander the house all night and for DD to be woken all night by comings and goings.
But they didn't let up.
At 9 months, I doctored his cot to be a side car to our bed. Though in honesty he was till next to me.
by 11 months I pulled up DDs spare bed, put it next to hers and put DS cot as side car to it.
So, relented basically.
Truth was, I then slept in between the pair of them and DH got our bed to himself.
But it kept them off my back. (though didn't stop them talking about me when my back was turned. I heard them through the bathroom window. To this day they don;t know I heard them discussing me)

It was horrid having to go to my mums house to be told/asked again was DS in his own bed/bedroom yet?
My having to avoid it or lie. I don't do lying, it is not in my nature, so made me very unhappy but, if I didn't they would all go on again. Lightheartedly but still judging and finding me failing, was how it felt.

Eventually DS settled, around the 1 year mark and he was able to be in DDs room, in his own cot and it stopped.

But even then, when DS was nearly 2. Sis BF, said to me one day, when DS was clamering to get up in my arms 'You cuddle him too much, you know'

I mean?! What!
Yes, DS was a clingy child, is now a very affectionate little boy, who still loves his cuddles and tells me all th etime that he Loves me. How can you give a child too much cuddles if it is what he wants? What harm can it do?

Now, my sis has her own baby and is worrying herself silly, over every little thing.
Says she doesn't want to get it wrong.
I tell her there is no 'wrong' only a mummy doing her best and that is the very best and most 'right' thing she can do.
Constantly reassuring her that she is doing great, being a fabby mummy.

But boy o boy do I want to say something about how much their behaviour hurt and upset me.
But more so I worry that she won't let herself enjoy her baby.

I am being unreasonable in my desire to say, 'see, I will not do to you what you did to me. Even if I disagree with how you are doing it, I would never say so because I know how it hurts'
I never will (say it) but I really want to sometimes.

Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.

My God, there are SO many grand ideas I had about parenting and had all sorts of opinions about others (which I kept to myself). Then I had two kids and the light switched on.

I would bet she already knows what an arse she was.

Why oh why oh why are you letting their stupid opinions bother you?! Just do what YOU want and let them say what they want! Just laugh and say 'I'll do it my way thanks' and leave them to it!

Patenting brings out the worst in a lot of people. We are so desperate to do things the "right" way that anyone doing differently is seen to be criticising what we are doing, ifyswim.

Also, sometimes the baby's personality causes the parent's behaviour rather than the other way around. I co-sleep because DD is the clingiest baby in the world rather than she is clingy because I co-sleep.

In short YANBU.

I would let it go and help her if she needs it tbh.

I agree that people seem to view different parenting styles (particularly attachment type parenting) as an attack on their own parenting. My DH's stepmum (her son's baby is a week younger than ours) visited quite recently and saw me BF and immediately said 'well, I don't think women should have to BF' and 'the thing with bottle feeding is my son has such a bond with his baby' and other gems... Then later on when DH was holding the sleeping baby it was 'of course, in my day, you just left them in their pram at the end of the garden to cry until they were asleep, never did them any harm'. Err, your son has been in prison several times, on drugs, is violent and has 5 children by 3 different women, one of whom he is not even allowed to see, so I'll reserve judgement on whether it did any harm thanks...

I wish I had cleared the air with them when I heard them through the bathroom window, but I had only just managed to settle DS, at that point maybe 6 or 7 months, and I didn't want to disrupt that by doing what my gut told me to. Picking him and DD up and getting the hell out!
In hindsight I wish I had.

In hindsight, I also think I suffered a bit with depression over the whole start of DS life. Those first 6 weeks were hell on earth and many times I felt I could easily be a danger to him but pulled myself back from the brink.
I think that is why I let them away with the 'bullying' because you are right springdaffs, it was them ganging up to (in their opinion, lightheartedly) suggest that moving him to his own room would be better for us both.
Because I was second guessing/doubting myself constantly.
Looking back at the first 9 months I was not in a good place and it was not helped by their vocal disregard for my judgement as his mother.
There were too close, I felt I needed my mum so much with DD, when DS arrived I was still in the habit of being pushed around.
My lack of self confidence, at the time, didn't help me to stand up for myself. Which is why I told them that he was in a cot by my bed and then that he was in the other room.
I was weak and wanted to ....god, I wanted to please them. How dumb was that!
To get them off my back.
It worked.
Once I had told them, yes I have done that ( I have done as I have been told for months. You are all right ) They stopped going at me.
Though it was quickly replaced with, you pick him up too much.

Eggrules They are only babies for such a short amount of time
That was exactly my logic in changing styles. DS was my last baby and I was darned if I would let him cry it out or go without cuddles.
I let my gut rule me instead of the rule books. DD was happy in her cot, DS was not! so we co slept.
DD was happy to play about on the floor, DS was not. I nearly gave up on toddler groups with him because he clung so tightly to me.
Different babies different styles of parenting, coupled with him being my last, and I am getting every ounce of joy from him (also I guess I was making up for my first 6 weeks of not coping)
But my mum, sis and her BF ( I meant Boyfriend, Springdaffs ) just thought I was being soft.

I am going to take the high road, it is too late to bring it all up now though, if the opportunity arose............
Well, I guess it did last week.
Sis DH, (my BIL now, I guess ) mentioned the co sleeping because I was suggesting that there really is nothing wrong with doing it (sis was able to do it a little in the hospital) if it helped everyone sleep.
He said, oh no. My mum said she did that with me and I was awful. So clingy. She said Never to do it, so I am not up for that at all.
Ah! That explained a lot about his opinion on it.
But yet I said nothing, though it brought it all back up for me.
I am pretty sure he said something about his mum saying he was ridiculously clingy too, whilst his younger twin brothers were not. His mum blames it on the co sleeping too.
So that will be where the 'put the baby down As Soon as he has fed' logic is coming from.

It was the worst to have 2 people sit and tell you how different they would do it if your child were theirs, yet they had no children to base it all on.
Sis watches and comments on lots of things that my 2 do. Her whole life has been to watch what her older siblings to, then do it different/better.

The dinner table, at mums, is just awful for it. They are seated and she watches like a hawk, giving me knowing (but smiling) looks if they don't do something, do do something.
'I wouldn't do that if it were my child' just slips from her tongue so easily.
DS gave me a cuddle at the table the other day (mum has a long bench and DS loves to sit, practically on my hip, and lean in to tell me he loves me, a lot. Just cos he can). When he was finished his food, he tried to lay his head on my lap whilst everyone else finished off. I really wasn't sure if I ought to let him or not cos I knew judgement was imminent, but allowed it figuring 'why the hell not??'
The look from sis!?
Followed quickly with 'I wouldn't let that happen'
But always with a smile, see......

Thank you everyone, you have made me feel great though with your comments that I sound like a good mum. How good is that to hear

You have such amazing restraint! I'm afraid, me and my gob, would have had to have a word by now, with each and every member of your family who had said something!

I absolutely detest that old chestnut, 'OH, I wouldn't do it like that' or 'it wouldn't happen if it was me' Fuck the fuck off!

I am sarky, gobby and quick with clever answers. I also have never had anyone tell me how to bring up my dd - I wonder why!

sigh, I don't know why I don't just open my mouth. I think I am always so shocked that she should think she has the right to say such things, coupled with, 'she has no clue does she'
Then I kick myself because I have let it happen again.

Maybe I am not quick or clever enough to come out with something until hours later.
Also, it would create such tension.
She was only passing comment, she didn't mean anything by it.............
Lets all let the PLB away with it so that mum doesn't get upset.

It just wouldn't be worth it

I am truly astounded that this type of thing goes on OP. Do other posters have this type of thing with their families making outrageously personal comments about parenting? I only ask because I brought mine up a long time ago and people certainly didn't make comments like this about anyone's parenting - in fact, never.

They sound HORRIBLE. vile vile vile vile. And you are blaming yourself for 'letting them do it'?? It's not your fault! fgs, they are HORRIBLE.

I do hope you manage to get the better of your cowed feelings around them. imo they are outrageously bullying you and, quite frankly, if you never saw them again it wouldn't be a terrible hardship.

I am on your behalf.

btw I'm not surprised you've been depressed if you've had this shit for I dread to think how many years

Am so for you, because you do sound lovely and warm and of course your kids love you and want to show it.

The next time they start with " I wouldn't let my kids blah blah blah" I'd just respond with " then you are going to miss out on a lot of loveliness" and then smile back.

Is your Sis the favourite by any chance?

haha, how'd you guess?

Funny thing is, my mum used to want my company when sis was around because, well, I think, I lighten things up. Sis can be very hard going at times.
Though, since she met her DH a few years back she is a different person.
She and my mum seem to enjoy coming together for a mutual lighthearted teasing of me, on other topics. It seems to have been their bonding process. But this one really gets my goat. And actually, apart from the sleeping thing, my mum can see what sis is doing and says after, if I let some steam of to her, that sis has no clue and will get her commupance (sp? sorry) eventually.
We all think we know best until we actually try out our theories.

springdaffs thank you.
I am working on 'being me', my new years resolution.
By that I mean not letting them question or judge.
Not being pushed into feeling guilty that I don't want to visit, for the day, on a Sunday.
By just letting them say what they please, safe in the knowledge that I am strong in my own way of doing things and that I have DH who is behind me all the way.
Though, when I do visit, he is about 5 miles behind me, at home with a plausable excuse.

I feel for you.
We moved to the country when DS was born, and all I heard from my sister was how bored he must be.
He was two ffs and we went for daily walks, went to the small local playgroup, did craft, read books - you know, all the things a normal toddler does!

Her comments really affected me (she is older) and I think I began to over schedule him - to ensure he wasn't 'bored'.

It wasn't until a good friend pulled me aside after DD was born and said "what are you doing? You're running yourself ragged. RELAX!" that I actually stopped.

What I'm trying to say is, that your sister, like my sister is wrong. And you should feel comfortable in your own mothering - which sounds excellent IMO. You wouldn't really want to be like them would you?
They sound passive-aggressive, unsupportive and frankly, bitchy. Yes, your BIL too.
I realise the repercussions would be huge, but those 'family dinners' sound toxic and I would be tempted to find a way to let them know you don't appreciate their catty remarks. Of course, with a smile on your face as you say it.

WRT to the thing, see that drives me mad, bullying as banter .

Some sourfaced old bat woman in a supermarket once told me off for kissing my 6 month old son and telling him I loved him, she said I was spoiling him and she never did it with hers. I looked her straight in the eye and replied that in that case I was obviously a better mother than she had ever been. Not suggesting that response for your situation but maybe a very concerned look and "you know that makes you sound extremely uncaring?"

Your DS is a toddling 3 year old. Mine is a 5 YO bruiser and I love it when he lays his head in my lap. He had finished his food so I don't see a problem.

I would have a problem with the snide comments. If you don't find it amusing , it isn't funny. It is horrible that they bully you in front of your children.

'I wouldn't do that if it were my child' - He isn't your child
'she has no clue does she' - I don't have any clue why you be so critical.

Tell them you are upset and ask to speak to them about how you are feeling. I would ask to speak to your mum and sister separately. You do not have to be confrontation but do need to be specific and let them know what the consequence will be. I think it is acceptable to say that this sniping is making you very upset and is going to mean you will avoid seeing them. If they do this in future tell them you will leave the room and do so.

I had counselling for a health issue and it was amazing the things that came to light. Having a baby makes you think about your own childhood.

The best parents are always those without any children; sounds like your sister was talking out of her arse and is now struggling to feel like a competent parent herself.

When my DD was very small my sister used to turn to my mum everytime I explained anything and say something along the lines of "is that right/true?" I felt like shouting "she's my baby, I'm her mum and I happen to know what works best for us!" I never said anything either as there was too much other stuff going on in our family at the time to upset things anymore and I felt secure in my parenting choices (largely thanks to places like MN along with a RL baby group where we all respected each others choices).

However as DD got older (she's now 2.8) my sister stopped doing this (it really was when DD was very small) and has actually changed her tune. Sis doesn't have kids yet, but I hope that your sister learns by your example that you can parent by instinct and by working out what's best for the individual parents and babies. Have you spoken to her to say that she can parent in this way and shouldn't worry so much? It might be that she feels that your mum is the expert in parenting having brought up two daughters and that she can't possibly disagree with her. In which case definitely pat yourself on the back for knowing what worked best for you and your babies--some people are very narrow minded and think that what worked for them will work for every baby.

YANBU
Lots of cuddles, cosleeping and extended BFing do not a clingy child make.

I can send them DD2 if they don't believe you.

Unfortunately, this is a case of smile, nod and say nothing.

My DSIS is lovely, but we both have the ability to wind each other up in the blink of an eye. It seems to be an inescapable side effect of being sisters. It is never worth dwelling on it.

The benefits of good long term relations between GPs, siblings and cousins, seriously out weigh everything else.

Condensedmilk I am far more confident in my own parenting skills now, but it I fear it is not worth the hassle of saying anything. DSIS simply wouldn't get that she was/is out of order.
She seems to mean it with the kindest of hearts, yet it can be so distructive.

dollymixtures she would have an answer, she always has an answer.
'We just feel that we would have a firmer hand with them, would nip things in the bud immediately. I couldn't/wouldn't take that from them.'
'I couldn't stand that mess on the floor, I would just Have to clear it up immediately! I don't know how you can leave it!' This after something had been spilled just before they asked for juice, I got the juice first and chatted to my visitor who was hot on my heels (DSIS) before thinking about the spilled crumbs.
I said that I was a little busy with the children, it would get cleared soon/eventually.
'Oh yes, I understand, but I would just not be able to leave it '

Bullying as banter
I don't think I had ever labeled it as such.

Eggrules You are right, it is bullying and it is in front of my children Though, predictably, I would think that they don't notice. I am not sure my mum has even noticed the 'looks' that she passes over the table to me.

I have spoken to my mum and, to be fair, she does not comment anymore.
She said just to ignore it all, that she thinks DSIS is building a big old hole for herself, but it is not worth kicking up a stink over. She will learn.
Perhaps I ought to speak to sis.
Though she has just had her baby so now is not the time.
I will definitely give it some consideration though.

Littlewolf I am truly not sure that my family see me as a mother yet! Not a lot has changed since DD was born 5 years ago.
Sis has her own internal rule book that she lives by. Mostly it is set to please my parents, but she 'reads books' about everything. All it does is add to her rule book.
I could try to suggest easing off on herself but it will fall on deaf ears.

startail DSIS only just found out that I fed DS until he was 3, she was convinced that I stopped at 18 months. It is amazing how someone can convince themselves that I am doing what they expect me to.

My children do Really love their Granny and Aunty.

sorry if I was a bit strong just mad on your behalf. I think you are a model of restraint and I tip my hat to you lady.

We could probably go on for days giving you snappy come backs but I get the feeling you don't want to fall out you just want her to be a bit less and I think that means you have to speak to her. Maybe in a couple of months once reality has kicked in she will be receptive to what you have to say.

YANBU to do whatever you want. :)

i would cuddle my 2.6 year old DS all day long quite happily. i was really nervous around all the 'well you can't pick them up every time they cry' chat when he was born and probably worried that i was doing it wrong.

we didn't co-sleep but i bf him at night for as long as he asked for it.

i am expecting dc2 next month and am bloody looking forward to cuddling all the time and feeding as often as they need it ( 'is it normal for them to feed that often?')

the comments i got were nothing like as bullying as yours, just kind of incessant and making me feel like i had to defend myself.

hope your sister sees sense and doesn't over analyse her wee baby!

I would love to have another baby, simply to have the joy of all those cuddles
I feel sorry for DSIS that she is already denying herself this joy and totally over analysing how often he feeds. for how long and how much time in between it all

dolly don't worry. I think you had a good point, worth saying/making me think.

At some point I will have to say something but I will have to wait until she might be more able to hear it.

I can't help but reiterate that I feel sorry for DSIS and her DH that they choose to live their lives so unbendingly, watching/judging and deciding that 'they can/will do it better'
I am told by many people that my children are well behaved, polite little things. I can't see how they would want more from their own and that mine don't meet their standards??
What do they want? Frightened little mousies?
Poor children

Ahhh twinkling you sound so totally lovely - and you have all the confirmation you will ever need that you are a fabulous mum in your lovely affectionate children.

Why anyone scrutinises these things so meticulously is beyond me - do they think in 18 years time the 'harm' caused will even exist. Bonkers. take cuddles while you can get 'em I say. My nephew is 10 and his mum misses those cuddles already as he doesn't think they're cool unless he's ill. :)

Keep being you - I think you are admirable. :)

Quite Gin. People (my dsil) often comment on how cuddly my two are and how freely they will say they love me. Well maybe it's because they get cuddled and told how much I (will always) love them? It's almost as though some people think it's shameful to show their children how amazingly lovable they are

Gah!
She is driving herself batty trying to create a routine for a 3 week old baby.
Doesn't want him awake when she thinks he should be sleeping, wants him awake when she thinks he should be feeding because 'according to his routine he is due one now'
'How will I know if he is hungry?'
Then she has trouble getting him latch on because, hey whatdya know, he is too sleepy to open his mouth properly.

Does anyone else have the mantra Never wake a sleeping baby?
She has just text, V pleased with herself cos she has done just that.

eek, is that a bald spot!!