to not invite my dad

[badtimesformoi]

namechanged, if any of you recognise please don't out me as its a very sensitive situation and its bugging me all the time.

My dad is religious, and doesnt drink or celebrate birthdays or celebrate Christman,Easter, etc you get the picture. Never a card or present not even for DC.
In the past he has not attended my sister birthday party because people were drinking and doesnt go to pubs etc.
The thing is I am having an engagement party in a few weeks and I havent really invited him

As much as he makes very little effort with family events he gets upset when he isnt Invited and makes you feel very guilty about it , my parents are seperated and I can see he doesn't want to be alienated, but I find it hard to see how you can alienate someone who you hardly see anyway .
And also i'm ashamed to say I get quite embarassed by him, he dressed scruffily and doesnt take good care of himself and will often talk about his religion incessantly and is a great cause of embarrassment to me. And I have to be honest a small part of me doesnt want him there to humiliate me on a special occasion especially as it seems he wants to pick and choose when he's part of this family.

I'm dreading the moment of when he finds out I havent invited him but the voice in my head is saying well he never comes or celebrates anything why should he expect it.The look on his face , urgh.

I'm a horrible bitch I know I am please be gentle. AIBU ??

Badtimes - I know plenty of muslims who drink but i don't think they are really suppposed to. I guess they are muslims in the way i am a catholic,raised a catholic, i AM a catholic but i am not a strict catholic. I think it very different when you make an active choice to follow a certain religeon as you are probably more likely to follow the rules more strictly. I really wouldn't let other peoples prejudices influence how you feel about your dad's religeon. I don't know very much about Islam but I think that it is very spiritual religeon and peace loving etc so I do assume that your dad is a pretty loving dad, if a bit unconventional in terms of how you have been bought up. He is probably passionate about it, i think most "born agains" are, whatever the religeon.

I can relate camel but I feel harsh,

I'm sorry you're estranged some parents *sigh

Well hes not all daisy's and love , pretty hardline and intolerant

I had to keep my pregnancy secret for 7 months as I was a teen and unmarried and so terrifed I got my mum to ring him.

He not the 'kooky old man' type. can be quite snide.

I dont want to seem like I'm milking it but I mentioned my parents had a nasty marriage,

think more barry from four lions .

Will it hurt you more to invite him or not invite him ? If he is not going to come anyway, (and therefore he won't embarass you) I would cheerily invite him. And if he comes and is an embarassment, it will be himself that he embarasses.

I don't know honestly

mainly because hes my ds grandad and in his own way he loves him to bits :'(
it would feel to cruel to cut him off.
My fiance does wonder why I bother sometimes.

true its hard but my choice ultimately to get upset or not.
i may try and empower myself.

YANBU - it's your day, not his. There's a huge difference between someone dressing weirdly and being embarrassing, and someone who refuses to acknowledge important dates/milestones in their children's lives because of the beliefs that they have chosen to live by. Spouting your beliefs at family events is selfish, you are not there to 'spread the word', you are there to celebrate an important occasion. Tell him your new-found religion bans all contact with fathers except by telephone. Then change your number & enjoy your party! You're a sweetheart to worry about it - I bet he doesn't give your feelings such thought x

I have not read the whole thread, but can I ask what the religion is - I am guessing Jehovas?

To be honest, I think it would be really mean of you not to invite your dad to your engagement party. It is just too big a deal to miss him out.

The world is not perfect and I think you should accept your dad is a bit eccentric on one hand, and a bit rubbish with birthdays on the other, and just love him for who he is as you only get one dad.

You are having a moan about him not being there but then cutting him out by not inviting him. I am not so sure who is the guilty party here. At least give him the opportunity to accept or reject and you can have a clear conscience.

You say he is offended when he is not invited to occasions but then doesnt go. Could this be because he so badly wants to be involved in your life but feels like he cannot for whatever reason ie. you shut him out because you are embarrassed? He probably knows this!

Also, are you sure the atmosphere between your parents is not in your head? I am in a similar situation where my parents are divorced and I used to get myself so worked up when it came to them being in the same room. I have recently come to believe I cooked up this image of it being awful based upon my own anxieties about it, when in reality, it is not that bad when they are together.

Because he's a white Muslim he embarrasses you?
Really?

Look OP, don't take this the wrong way but I think you also need to seriously examine your own predjudices before tackling your fathers. It is true that religion forms a large part of many peoples lives and no matter what you think of religion, it is important that you at least respect and accept his choice.

Looking at this from another angle, could he be so argumentative because he feels that you do not respect him? Could he have picked up on vibes that he embarrasses you and so he goes into defensive mode?

I can't believe that some posters are suggesting that you cut off contact with him - for what? Because he's a Muslim convert who dresses scruffily and sometimes says inappropriate things? Take away the Muslim from that and you could have anyone's dad there.

Do not let your bigoted view of religion and Islam get in the way of a relationship with your father. Perhaps if you took the time to understand him then he would reciprocate the favour?

If you were my friend, I would say you'd be best to give him options, so tell him "hi Dad, we're having an engagement party on X date, but as people will be drinking, it's probably not your thing, so would you like to go for dinner another night?" he probably won't go to the party, and if he does, at least you can warn a few friends in advance what he's like and ask them to 'manage' him (and if he's going to go to the wedding, make "keeping him entertained and away from offending anyone" the job of one of the groomsmen...), but this way you've given him the choice, it's not you excluding him. And he can't whinge about the drinking if you've warned him before hand. (well, he can, but you will then be perfectly entitled to point out to him he was warned).

Re the church vs registary office wedding, assume he won't give you away, then if you want a church wedding, go for it, arrange it your way and if he does or doesn't turn up that's his choice and won't ruin your day.

I do think you need to come to terms with who he is, you sound very young, perhaps it's something you accept when you're in your 30s, parents are embarrassing, but so what, they aren't a reflection on you anymore.

Do not let your bigoted view of religion and Islam get in the way of a relationship with your father. Perhaps if you took the time to understand him then he would reciprocate the favour?

Religion is often misogynistic and for someone who has not been raised with that religion who was laid back and happy to do a 360 and become religious (which means often sexist and homophobic in my dads case both) It feels odd I am expected to be tolerant of religion which is largely based on intolerance but thats another thread. .
I have nothing against faith, faith and religion are 2 different things.

It sounds like you've got good reasons not to invite him. He sounds self-centred and uncaring. The religion is just a way for him to express that by the sounds of it. Plenty of people manage to convert to another religion without making their families feel rubbish about it.

If you don't want him at your party, don't invite him. It sounds like he is quite happy to absent himself whenever he feels like it, so shouldn't be surprised when it comes back to him. He doesn't seem to think it's important to make an effort or not hurt other people's feelings when they are family.

No badtimesformoi, I am not asking you to be tolerant of those sides of religion but tolerant of those who choose to practice those religions. I do not have much time for a religion whose prophet married a young girl of around 9 whilst he was in his 90s (Mohammed) but I respect the rights of those who belong to that religion. Intolerance is found everywhere and it is not a purely religious theme.

I have no way of knowing whether your father is homophobic and sexist or just follows the laws laid down by the Islamic religion. My own religion is also accused of being homophobic and sexist but that does not mean that I am. I guess that's what you mean by the difference between faith and religion.

But what struck me was when you said that you were embarrassed because he was a white convert to Islam.

That said more about your prejudices than your father's. I cannot help but think that perhaps your father is more embarrassing in your eyes than he is in reality. What you may have done is told everyone how embarrassing your father is so that when they meet him the first thing they do is to look out for signs that would confirm this.

You've had a mixed response on this thread and it's up to you what you do now. But I feel sorry for both of you. Like ODearMe said, you sound confused as to what you want because you say you don't want him to turn up but then sound hurt when he hasn't turned up, so it does sound as though your father cannot win and perhaps he senses this too? In our eyes, everybody else's fathers look perfect and we often wish we could have a perfect, normal family and be like them, but in reality many families are just like yours, with their eccentricities, differences of opinion, intolerances, feuds and embarrassments. Families cause hurt and devastation on a grand scale at times. Lower your expectations of your father as he will never be the father you want him to be, but he is your father nevertheless and he loves you, so give him the chance to show that in his own way - not yours.

Actually, I can see why although you wouldn't want him there, you'd be upset if he doesn't go, because things like birthday parties, engagement parties, weddings etc it's normal for your Dad to be there and to want to be there. His chosing not to go is a rejection, and just because you're a grown up and know that you don't really like him as a person and don't really want to share your happy moments with him, that doesn't make the act of being rejected by a parent any less painful.

Other people with normal relationships with their parents will ask if your dad is there and it's hard to have to always put on your brave face and say "well, he didn't fancy it." while knowing they are thinking "WTF? He didn't fancy going to his DD's birthday party/engagement do/some other significant event?"

Plus you have the added stress that he always causes problems/makes himself centre of attention, (or even if he doesn't, as he has a track record of it, you'll be on edge waiting for it to happen) so either way, he'll upset you, but you can't know in advance which way it will be to prepare yourself.

I would explain that you don't want to offend his religious sensibilities by inviting him to an event where alcohol will be available and just have a special afternoon engagement tea with him and your Fiance. If he doesn't want to do even that, at least you will know you have tried your best to involve him in your life.
Your wedding must be for you and your future husband to decide. Your Father can do what he feels is best but cannot be allowed to ruin your special day so he would have to understand that he needs to be on his best behaviour. If he can't, then he should stay away for your sake.

Actually I do agree with sue52 there, the wedding day is all about you and your vows with your future husband. It's a time when people are supposed to put aside their differences and make compromises for YOU. Of course it never works out like that though! However you need to be firm on that subject and lay down the law, if he doesn't like it then he doesn't come. By doing this I was able to tell my father that whilst I would like him to give me away and I was prepared to make sure he wasn't seated anywhere near my mother, I would not bow to all his demands and would have my brother give me away if he refused. When he saw that his attitude would get him nowhere, he relented and came. I solved the issue of the wedding table by having just us, the chief bridesmaid, best man there and their partners.

Tell him that you are willing to try with him but he has to give as much back in return. This isn't about religion, it's about family and you are his daughter. If he cannot put intolerances aside for one day then make it clear that he is not welcome. I reckon (hope) that this will get through to him.

thankyou for your replies I know what In need to do its just doing it.