to not invite my dad

[badtimesformoi]

namechanged, if any of you recognise please don't out me as its a very sensitive situation and its bugging me all the time.

My dad is religious, and doesnt drink or celebrate birthdays or celebrate Christman,Easter, etc you get the picture. Never a card or present not even for DC.
In the past he has not attended my sister birthday party because people were drinking and doesnt go to pubs etc.
The thing is I am having an engagement party in a few weeks and I havent really invited him

As much as he makes very little effort with family events he gets upset when he isnt Invited and makes you feel very guilty about it , my parents are seperated and I can see he doesn't want to be alienated, but I find it hard to see how you can alienate someone who you hardly see anyway .
And also i'm ashamed to say I get quite embarassed by him, he dressed scruffily and doesnt take good care of himself and will often talk about his religion incessantly and is a great cause of embarrassment to me. And I have to be honest a small part of me doesnt want him there to humiliate me on a special occasion especially as it seems he wants to pick and choose when he's part of this family.

I'm dreading the moment of when he finds out I havent invited him but the voice in my head is saying well he never comes or celebrates anything why should he expect it.The look on his face , urgh.

I'm a horrible bitch I know I am please be gentle. AIBU ??

You are reading too much into this. My MIL sent her son a 40th birthday card a year before his 40th. My dad never remembers my birthdays. I have asked my mother not to remember. You cannot criticise him for forgetting, that is something we all do and yes, when we are that age we might well forget our children's birthdays.

My dad was brought up in a loveless environment so he doesn't know how to handle social situations and can be inappropriate. He is also sexist and his blunt "say it how it is" can be cringeworthy.

I think you are expecting perhaps too much - do you crave a closer relationship with your dad? Do you want him to take more interest in you?

So what if he is being hypocritical? My dad refused to give my sister away at her wedding because he would have to be seated next to my mum and they would not compromise. I chose to compromise (because I wouldn't want to be sat near her either) and he gave me away at mine. Did I feel guilty? Hell no.

I think you have real problems accepting your dad for who he is. In fact, the only person likely to be hugely embarrassed is you. No-one else would probably bat an eyelid. They can choose who they talk to at a party, whereas at a meal you are stuck with the person you are sat with and it gives your dad more of an audience, so I would stick with the party and just chill. You are obviously very sensitive about this so I would suggest talking to someone about how you feel.

If I am absolutely honest I sometimes forget how old I am.

I am only 32.

YABU you get one dad in life, I'd give anything to invite mine to a party

Am I really over reacting do you think???

most people irl i've told have been astounded by his behaviour e.g.

forgetting a birthday is one thing, My dad knows when my birthday refuses to aknowledge it due to his 'religion' , and doesnt know MY AGE. not a day of the year my age. I personally think thats bad.

but If people see that as an overreaction than maybe I am.

You're not overreacting IMO. I think the problem is not so much what he does as how he makes you feel.

It sounds like he's been using guilt trips to get his way for most of your life. It also seems a bit like he'll push his agenda on you (talking about religion at inappropriate times, refusing to attend events), but then also doesnt pay attention to things that matter to you.

I think not remembering your age or your DC's bday hurts because it can make you feel as if you just don't matter to him. Which makes you wonder why he's so keen on attending events that he makes clear he doesn't enjoy.

All these paradoxes make it difficult to decide what you want.

In my experience (I know all about guilt tripping fathers) you need to think through the consequences of your decision. Would you be happy to have even less contact with him than you do now? In that case don't invite him so you can have a relaxed and lovely day. If the guilt would be too much, grin and bear it (sorry to quote shmnbn in this context!), and wait for a time when you've really had enough of him.

OMFG! really? he dresses scruffy and talks about his religeon? Christ on a cunting bicycle. I would quite happily have my lovely but embarrasing, oversentimental, yellow overall wearing dad at a special event - but guess what, i can't! I think you know why YABVU

Just invite him, he wont come anyway and then just say that you will arrange something else more suitable to his religeous beliefs, which he is incidentally absolutely entitled too.

All dad's are embarassing. Most of us get over it in our teens.

How old are you?

OMFG! really? he dresses scruffy and talks about his religeon? Christ on a cunting bicycle. I would quite happily have my lovely but embarrasing, oversentimental, yellow overall wearing dad at a special event - but guess what, i can't! I think you know why YABVU

Please don't transfer you're grief onto me I realise it must be hard, overly sentimental is great.

My own father doesn't know my AGE , because he doesn't care, and has spent may year ignoring my birthday. not quite the same is it?

you are entitled to your opinion but don't please don't play 'feel gullty your dad is still alive and other peoples arent' its very wrong and makes my stomach churn.

Because a living father who won't acknowledge the day you were born is a totally different wound to grief.

and other poster ,why does my age matter?

NO, if your father doesnt acknowledge the day you were born because he doesnt give a fuck about you then yes, thats very sad - but its his religeon!! Grow up

So your dad makes you feel guilty if you don't invite him, guilty if you do invite him, and is quite happy to ignore things that are important to you to make a show where he is the centre of attention?

And the birthday is a red herring, I think, as it sounds like he only makes a fuss of it to prove how he won't celebrate it due to religion, but heaven forbid he is not invited to the party?

My dad can't remember his own birthday half of the time, we have had all sorts of problems with bank security questions because my normally clued up father can't remember things like his mother's maiden name, and his track record of his children's birthdays is abysmal. But he wouldn't upset me by not doing birthdays but doing the guilt trip if he wasn't part of it. It's the 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' that really hurts, I think.

I'd probably handle it wrong, but I would go on the offensive - I know you don't approve of drinking etc darling daddy, but how about you celebrate my engagement with just you, me and my fiance and we can go for a meal - I'm sure you want to treat us. Then tell him you will celebrate with him before the big day, and book a date the week after. Do the same for the wedding - you can't ask him to compromise his beliefs (practice keeping a straight face on this) but how about a celebration of just the three of you, then change the subject every time he brings up the wedding.

Good luck, I think you will need it.

btw - you never have to answer questions. You never have to give an explanation. And you never need to have a reason apart from wanting to.

I've reported your comment GoAwaybob,

You made the conscious choice to come on to thread invloving sensitive and emotive issues to be obnoxious and unpleasant, Why did you do that??

I'm clearly in a senstive place other people managed to come on here and respectfully disagree with me on subjects without being nasty. If you are incapable of doing this clearly I'm not the one who needs to 'grow up' .

You are going to have to have him at the wedding-so it is a problem that is not going to go away. Have you thought of talking to him in advance -or getting another family member to talk to him?

Id put my house on the fact my dad doesn't know how old I am.
Nor does he remember mine or even my mum's birthday - I have to remind him to buy her a present every year. And at Christmas too.

He also has very strong, often offensive, opinions which he loves to blurt out. He dresses badly - socks with sandals is a wardrobe staple.

Also very religious.

Plus he also has the added "bonus" of being somewhat media friendly and often appears in newspapers with his out-there opinions.

But he is my dad.
I love him.
I only get one.
And like Rhubarb, I have learnt to enjoy, and even be amused by his eccentricity.

I hope you invite your dad. An engagement is different to a birthday party and I think in years to come you will regret it if you don't invite him.
Every family has their quirky members.

Thanks for all the replies , I will have a chat with fiance and tell him my worries.

I still think I may have a seperate meal, the idea of my dad and mum in the same room is horrible.

"badtimesformoi" I am sorry if my comments upset you, i suppose you got me at a bad time. Im not usually quite so rude!

But seriously, you only get one dad - warts n all. From what you say he doesn't sound that bad. I would have actually been far more sympathetic if you hadn't then started going on about his dress sense and lack of social skills.

FWIW - i don't think you should invite him, he wont enjoy it, but i do understand why he would feel disappointed that you didnt at least ask him to go. Also, if there will be an atmosphere between him and your mum that wont be nice either. Of course now you are in a sticky situtation because if you dont invite him but invite your mum then you will look like you are favouring her. Its a shame they can't both behave civilly at your party.

I would say to your dad that you are having an engagement party, its going to be quite a drink laden affair, but that if he wants to go he is welcome. Then say tht you would rather have a more personal celebration wiht him anyway and then organise a meal.

i don't know if anyone has mentioned this though - an engagement is one thing, some people dont even bother with engagement parties but you are not going to be able to avoid asking him to your wedding. I think that he will also have to put his beliefs to one side, as will both of your parents put their quarrels to one side for your wedding day.

Oh and congratulations.

badtimesformoi - yes it must be hard when your father refuses to acknowledge your age or birthdays. Can I ask you some questions?

Has he always been like this? Did he join in celebrations when you were younger?
Is his religion a new found thing?
Is he happy with his life at the moment?

If a father deliberately chooses to ignore your birthday then that is quite different to forgetting and you are right to be upset over that. However if it is due to his religion then I'm not sure what you can do? I know that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate their birthdays either and one girl who I used to chat to quite a lot told me that her parents weren't JWs and still sent her birthday presents which she would refuse. I thought that was really cruel but from her point of view, birthdays were to be avoided because apparently the old things associated with birthdays in the Bible were bad events, like the execution of John the Baptist so some silly tart could have his head for her birthday (probably a stroppy teenager!)

However it sounds as though this isn't just a case of his religion, but of you feeling ignored and overlooked by your dad. It could be that he is so engrossed in his life and religion that he has failed to notice how you feel and in that instance you really do need to have a heart to heart with him. Just tell him how you feel and that you do respect his religion and his choices, but that you feel pushed out and you want a closer relationship with him. What dad would not want to be closer to their kids? Ok so he may be upset to think that you find him embarrassing or upsetting, but it will also make him think about how he treats others and about putting his own agenda before theirs.

By all means take him out for a meal, but you are putting off the inevitable - what about the wedding? I think if you confront this issue now then you can look forward to a stress-free wedding, but the longer you put it off, the more worked up you will get before the big day arrives and you'll posting another thread on Mumsnet asking for advice on what to do with him on your wedding day.

And no, no-one should force their grief onto you. I have a terrible relationship with my mother, she is destructive and actually goes out of her way to hurt us, but if someone told me to be grateful that I had a mother who was still alive I would be livid. Not all parents are saints and we shouldn't put up with their behaviour just because they are still alive.

However I think you should give him a chance and cut him some slack. Obviously the break-up between your mum and dad was intensive and I'm guessing acrimonous. That would have affected your parents in different ways and maybe your dad has retreated into his religion for safety and security and maybe he uses that as a topic of conversation because that's all he has? Honestly, communication is key here so get talking as I did with mine. Yes it will be painful and I found out some horrible truths about my mother and their relationship and I also discovered just how much pain he had been holding inside which is why he appeared so bitter and so blunt. But once you start that conversation it carries on and deepens the bond between you both.

Best of luck and many congrats, I hope this happy event will not only lead to a loving relationship with your boyfriend and his family, but with your dad too.

Serious question here. It's been repeatedly stated that this man does not celebrate birthdays because of his religion. What religion(s) forbid the marking of the anniversary of a birth?

Jehovah's Witnesses
Strict Muslims

Those are the two I know of.

Bob- its okay, we all have bad days and bad posts. just wrong thread at the wrong time.

Rhubard- no he converted to islam when I was about 10/11 I think, the fact hes white and a convert add embarassment for me, if he had been born that way it wouldnt be an issue iyswim.
He did celebrate birthdays before.
He lived with us like this for about 6 years before he moved out, it was very hard, made very clear his religion came first and thought nothing of embarassing us. I don't like religion at all and I've spent roughly 13 years biting my tongue. He tends to lecture and in esscence shove it down your throat, which I hate.
Whereyouleft- apparently in Islam they don't , I reckon its a very obscure law hes dregged up to suit tbh. I've never said it I wouldn't dare.

The Wedding,

is an issue in itself he has alluded that he may refuse to give me away if its in a church , but he could in a registry office. Me and DH want a church though so it is what it is,
I'm dreading that conversation I think its petty and I bet he'll expect to come to the church if he refuses to give me away, which I find odd, tbh. But he may not have this view anymore.
His view changes alot. I spend most of my life with a 'ill see him or I wont attitude.

I had a similar problem with my father. We're more estranged but he has history of turning up unpredictably (think uni graduation type events) and making a huge scene. I didn't invite him to anything and actually got married abroad with just a few v close family members to avoid the issue.

We had a wedding blessing and reception on our return and I still didn't invite him but went with the attitude that the blessing day was for our guests and if he caused a scene it wasn't ruining MY day.

Generally I wouldn't be inclusive of someone who doesn't support you or make you happy during your wedding stuff but then I'm pretty hard line about that sort of stuff.