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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to tell my friend that her decorated cakes are not THAT good?

100 replies

Lueji · 08/03/2012 10:43

Says it all, pretty much.

She has just learnt cake decoration and has done a good job, for a beginner. But she is really smug and everyone is treating the cakes like the 8th wonders.

Am I too demanding (perfectionist) and unreasonable if I don't join the chorus of how good they are?
Or should I point out the defects?

Or are most people really useless at cake decorating and are really impressed with any decent effort?

She has just brought in a cake for another friend's daughter and some of the decorations are smudged but it seems that everyone is raving.
Also pointing out that my sis has made much better cakes.

Oh, who am I kidding? I won't tell her, obviously, just need to vent here my frustration over not telling her.

OP posts:

BeerTricksPott3r · 08/03/2012 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moonhoney · 08/03/2012 11:12

No don't tell her her cakes ought to be on CakeWreck. She would feel very deflated and hurt. you would be a BitchForever.

LydiaWickham · 08/03/2012 11:13

I think it's more that you don't want to feel pressured into fake praise rather than just say nothing. I'd say nothing other than "you are so much better at this than before the course, well done on such a good improvement."

Original poster

Lueji · 08/03/2012 11:14

No, HamblesHandbag, I'm not going to out myself.
And they are decent. :)
Just not fantastic.

AIBU to assume most pps haven't actually read the OP?

So, are most people here always happy with whatever their friends do and effectively have rose tinted glasses regarding their friends?
Or do you often keep things to yourselves?
Come on, admit it.

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 08/03/2012 11:16

Ooh yes! Tell her If it will make you feel better.

I'd just like to know why you feel the need to?

rampart · 08/03/2012 11:17

I'm like your friend. I DEMAND praise whenever I make something. I crave positive reinforcement and if i don't get any then i'm likely to go totally off the rails. Once I made a really good sandwich and my friend just shrugged and said 'yeah, it looks fine'. I went apeshit. I mean what incentive is there to ever make another sandwich if all i get is 'fine'? Anyway I don't see her so much anymore, she's always busy.

Thistledew · 08/03/2012 11:20

I do have some sympathy for the OP. I know someone who was in the same situation and decided on the basis of her friends' less than honest positive opinions of her work that she was going to start to sell her cakes. She then became quite upset and caused difficulties amongst her friends when the same people who had been praising her efforts didn't actually want to part with money for her cakes. She has actually improved quite a lot since she went on a decorating course, but it would have avoided a lot of awkwardness if people had been more honest with her to begin with.

OP- I think you should encourage your friend, but also a few enthusiastic comments about the years of skill and experience needed to make professional standard cakes might spur her on to improve rather than think that she is at that level already.

bakerbakerfairycaker · 08/03/2012 11:28

Hmm, it is a difficult one.

I make cakes, been doing so for about 2 years and study Sugarcraft at college. I can see improvement in my own personal skills in every cake I make.

People also go out of there way to tell me my cakes are amazing, as in they don't just praise cakes I thrust in their faces because it's there and feel its expected. I've been sent emails before about my cakes (to me thats going out of your way to compliment someone)

I'd be horrified if I found out these people were just tickling my ego. I'd love to do this as a business one day and would hate to be given a false sense of skill, especially by people I thought cared about me.

Maybe use some constructive critisism, say something like 'I really like how you've done this, but this bit might need a slight change in technique.. or something.

bakerbakerfairycaker · 08/03/2012 11:34

I think I was trying to say what Thistledew said, just not as well.

Original poster

Lueji · 08/03/2012 11:34

Good point, rampart.
I suppose she is like that. She really thrives on praise.

It's funny how her own child is the most fantastic ever and she tells the world too. :)

Actually, PandaWatch, in relation to children, parents are not supposed to give too much praise (particularly if undeserving), but also to point out where work could be improved.

In fact, people who can deal with criticism (not being let down by it) are supposed to more successful and overcome problems better.

False modesty is just as bad, of course, but I think it's more normal to be somewhat realistic about our efforts.

OP posts:

SlightlyJaded · 08/03/2012 11:34

Personally, I think you are a good friend who just wants to save her friend from getting too full of her self and getting overblown with praise. I agree it doesn't help anyone to consider that you are better at cake decorating than you actually are.

I think I would find a quiet time - maybe take her out for a nice meal and then break it gently to her.

Perhaps you could order cake for pudding in order to broach the subject sensitively.

Something along the lines of.

"I know you are really enjoying your new hobby and people seem to really like your efforts, and of course I don't want to steal your thunder or spoil your new pursuit for you. I just thought you should know that your cakes are quite average. I mean they look ok, but I certainly wouldn't allow you to be responsible for a cake that mattered - a birthday cake for example. Although I might let you make one for us to eat after school pick up or something."

And then you could watch your friendship crumble like a slice of stale cake...

valiumredhead · 08/03/2012 11:38

jaded I was reading your post and thinking WTAF???? Then read your last sentence

DeWe · 08/03/2012 11:49

I was thinking along the lines of Thistle too.

People do tend to praise. I know my icing skills are very basic*, but I've been surprised when I've produced a lop sided cake with decorations definitely E- and people have raved about it to a point I've felt embarrassed.

*My icing skills are along the lines of slop it on and stick chocolate buttons to hide the bumps, (and hope they do't all slide off again) so I'm not being modest.

redrubyshoes · 08/03/2012 11:58

"So, are most people here always happy with whatever their friends do and effectively have rose tinted glasses regarding their friends?
Or do you often keep things to yourselves?
Come on, admit it."

I didn't tell my friend that her new baby was well ugly.

Boomerwang · 08/03/2012 12:02

If she was being cocky about it then I'd tell her it wasn't that good as long as I hadn't already said that it WAS.

If she was just bursting with pride about her achievements and getting a bit carried away, I'd say it looked wonderful.

Nyac · 08/03/2012 12:03

You don't sound like her friend.

Are you sure you know what the word means?

Original poster

Lueji · 08/03/2012 12:04

Well done, red.

DeWe, exactly, I think there is something as too much praise.

I do like praise too, but if people praise too much I start disbelieving it a bit and for some reason feel the need to point out some of the faults with my own work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lueji · 08/03/2012 12:08

If she was just bursting with pride about her achievements and getting a bit carried away, I'd say it looked wonderful.

More along these lines.

I think my problem is that I have watched too much Cake Boss and now expect such standards.*

*Disclaimer: in my head. I won't tell anyone that their cakes don't compare to my ideal. Even the person I ordered my DS's cake from.

OP posts:

PandaWatch · 08/03/2012 12:10

Actually, PandaWatch, in relation to children, parents are not supposed to give too much praise (particularly if undeserving), but also to point out where work could be improved.

I'm glad you're not my Mum.

Original poster

Lueji · 08/03/2012 12:17

Seriously, though, why is constructive criticism so slated?

Surely we are not all wonderful and make fantastic things all the time.

I'd much rather get deserved praise.

OP posts:

sairie11 · 08/03/2012 12:20

I've been known to tell DD that a picture isn't one of her best and if she wants something to be displayed, she has to put in more effort. Mind you, that's when she's just dashed something off. If she'd genuinely tried really hard then I would praise (and if it was really rubbish, I'd focus on praising the effort and care taken). Does that make me mean??

With mates I just praise indiscriminately to their faces, but go out of my way to send an e-mail or text if I genuinely thought something was really good so they know I meant it.

TheDogTheDogHesAtItAgain · 08/03/2012 12:21

When I saw the thread title, I assumed that your friend was planning to make a business of it, and you needed to save her from an unwise investment. If that isn't the case, then really, what's it to you?

PandaWatch · 08/03/2012 12:22

There's a time and a place for it and besides, these things are all relative.

Your friend is not a world-renowned cake maker so yes, I'm sure you've seen better cakes. However she is developing a skill that she didn't have previously and is rightly proud of the fact that she is making progress. The other nicerpeople in her life recognise this and act accordingly.

If she asks for your "constructive" criticism by all means give it. Otherwise if you can't say anything nice...

PandaWatch · 08/03/2012 12:27

No Sairie I don't think that's mean as you recognise when she's genuinely proud of something and looked for the good bits, even if they are hard to find!

I think my point is that it is all relative. A child is unlikely to paint something worthy of display in the National Gallery, just like OP's friend isn't likely to get a job in a Michelin starred restaurant after a couple of years cake decorating classes. This doesn't mean they are not producing something still worthy of praise.

Original poster

Lueji · 08/03/2012 12:31

I believe she does want to make a pt business of it, actually.

I do think she'll do well, probably, as she practices and gets better.

OP posts:

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