about what feels like slightly hysterical moral outrage about how we are bringing up our children?

[BumptiousandBustly]

I had a really long lecture from my SIL yesterday on the phone, about how I have to make sure DS2 (just turned two and a bolter) has to learn the word no, and I have to teach him not to escape and how if he carries on he will be impossible etc etc.

The thing is, she last saw him for 4 hours around Christmas, and before that it was months, so its not like she sees him all the time, and can think he's a brat. nad I said - we are teaching him the word no - and working on it - but nothing stopped her going on and on, and about how dangerous it was if he escapes, and how if he is impossible no-one will invite my elder child to parties etc.

Now DH and I are fairly strict parents, I was actually complimented on my DSs behavior yesterday - but a complete stranger and my SIL has made me feel really paranoid and a bit crap about it all.

But then i thought - what is this obsession with "you have to teach your children NO" I am doing - she has no evidence I am not doing - so it feels more like a "reaction to the modern world" Moral outrage thing, than actually about us.

Plus who things its a good idea to lecture anyone about their parenting anyway? Who is that smug? (her children are all 18+ btw - so she has done this, but a long time ago)

also DS2 is a bolter - and its simply not as easy as saying no - and of course if something happened to him I would never forgive myself, but I AM DOING MY BEST - how is lecturing me going to help?

It seems odd when she sees your son so seldom, is there a gobby doting MIL on the scene relating his latest exploits to all and sundry?

My dc1 was a bolter. She would leg it at each and every opportunity between the ages of 2 1/2 and 3 1/2. It was a "stage". Nothing I tried stopped her running off. The only thing that worked was waiting for her to grow up a bit. She is now 7 and perfectly lovely. She is invited to lots of birthday parties.

Ignore your SIL. If she was luck enough not to have a bolter, she has absolutely no idea about managing "running off" situations.

Ladies - thankyou so much for all your support - you have really cheered me up. In answer to questions - YES there is a dotting mil on the scene. I think that although she is lovely, MIL also thinks I am too much of a lefty liberal mother (who actually goes out of the house, to toddler groups etc and misses work dreadfully sometimes) and I do think that things get relayed.

I also suspect that SIL is saying what MIL is thinking, which makes it sting even more.

I really agree about everyone thinking they have a right to an opinion about your parenting - and they KNOW how you SHOULD do it. A friend of mine said she got told off for telling her son off in public recently - but of course the same person would have been the first to tut if the son had been misbehaving.

What gets me is who really, is so sure of themselves and so arrogant about what they have done, that they feel like the can lecture other people on the right way to parent?

Personally there are times I feel lucky for us all having survived the day and I agonize a lot about the parenting decisions I make. I certainly wouldn't dream of telling someone else that my way was the right way! as I'm really not sure it is. I do my best every day and then get up the next day and do my best again.

I can understand you find your SIL annoying.
Do you think she is doing it out of concern for your DC or is just trying to put you down do you think?
I ask because many years ago when DH and I were on holiday in the carribean (get that in!) in a small hotel there was a little boy about 2 who I found wandering alone by the deep end of the pool.I tracked down his parents who said he had run off.The next day I saw him alone bu the road,and by the third time when i saw him again by the pool -parents nowhere to be seen, i really thought I should say something to them .I don't think they liked it and I have always wondered whether I did the wrong thing, but when a child is in danger it is everybody's responsibility.
However I don't know why ypour SIL is going on about 'No'. You can't rely on 'no' to keep a young 'runner' safe.I refuse to believe though that grown adults are losing a battle of wits with a 2 yr old absconder and can't find a way of restraining them

neolara - its DS1's birthday party soon adn SIL is coming - I am thinking of asking her to keep an eye on DS2 for me and make sure he stays in the hall! EVIL

dandelionss - i don't think SIL is trying to put me down, but I am struggling to understand why she suddenly seems to think that the entire moral future of my child is at risk!

DS2 can be restrained (he is only just two though - so plenty of time to turn in to teresamay's unrestrainable bolter) - its just that if you don't he will run out of the room/away from you constantly, and he watches - to see when you are distracted, and then he does it. However if he had been in any danger at the party, i would have left - rather than let him carry on doing it.

Tell SIL to fuck off. Without actually telling her to fuck off. Change the subject whenever she starts on this ('sooooo what's your news?/how's blah?') or say something like 'KIDS EH WHO'D HAVE 'EM?' ie grow a thick skin and ignore.

My in laws used to make comments like this all the time (and I adore my in laws). They only see my dc a few times a year and so we are generally in relaxed/holiday mode when we get together and not enforcing rules as much.

I think they assumed the kids ate chocolate, arsed about and watched telly every night all the time rather than just at Christmas, Easter etc.