about what feels like slightly hysterical moral outrage about how we are bringing up our children?

[BumptiousandBustly]

I had a really long lecture from my SIL yesterday on the phone, about how I have to make sure DS2 (just turned two and a bolter) has to learn the word no, and I have to teach him not to escape and how if he carries on he will be impossible etc etc.

The thing is, she last saw him for 4 hours around Christmas, and before that it was months, so its not like she sees him all the time, and can think he's a brat. nad I said - we are teaching him the word no - and working on it - but nothing stopped her going on and on, and about how dangerous it was if he escapes, and how if he is impossible no-one will invite my elder child to parties etc.

Now DH and I are fairly strict parents, I was actually complimented on my DSs behavior yesterday - but a complete stranger and my SIL has made me feel really paranoid and a bit crap about it all.

But then i thought - what is this obsession with "you have to teach your children NO" I am doing - she has no evidence I am not doing - so it feels more like a "reaction to the modern world" Moral outrage thing, than actually about us.

Plus who things its a good idea to lecture anyone about their parenting anyway? Who is that smug? (her children are all 18+ btw - so she has done this, but a long time ago)

also DS2 is a bolter - and its simply not as easy as saying no - and of course if something happened to him I would never forgive myself, but I AM DOING MY BEST - how is lecturing me going to help?

That should be complimented by a complete stranger.

It is ridiculous she is lecturing you but it is dangerous if he runs off.

Perhaps controversial but DS is on reins - especially when with DH, as he can't push the buggy and is on crutches so can't exactly run after him - DS's language isn't developed enough to understand 'no' fully yet (2.5 but with speech delay)

She's right in everything she's said

But if you know there's no problem with your child and you're doing your best, then just let it roll off you like water off a duck.

To be honest if she'd tried to lecture me, I would have changed the subject or told her I had to go.

This has nothing to do with your parenting and nothing to do with your child wanting to run for it. It has everything to do with your SIL being unable to mind her own business and feeling like she has the right to make unwanted comments.

I don't know why people with older children feel the need to lecture the parents of younger ones. I didn't see any feral toddlers at the riots...

My mantra used to be "child-rearing is work in progress". Just because we hadn't reached a certain goal yet wasn't proof that we weren't going to get there in the end.

fuzzypig - I can't use a wrist rein with him - as he would probably dislocate his shoulder - I only let him walk outside where I have him by the hand, and I pick him up if he doesn't hold my hand.

This all started about him trying to escape from a church hall into a corridor - not exactly life threatening - and I was right after him every time.

Worraliberty - you are right in everything you said I guess I just wonder who is so sure of themselves that they feel they can take it on themselves to lecture someone else about their parenting - especially when they have no idea what is actually going on and barely see the children involved.

flossie - you are right - the thing is that what I don't think she realizes is that from now on, I will not tell her the funny but naughty things the children get up to - as clearly its feeding some image she has of us as terrible parents.

toddlerarma - Very true

Cory - good mantra - I shall adopt it.

I have older children but wont lecture your sil was being preachy I bet her children bolted or did something else at 2 , this sort of advice or lecture is usually done with hindsight , we oldies tend to forget the bad bits ,
although she shouldnt be lecturing you ,
your childn isnt going to be anti social because he runs off , and yes to cory they all get there in the end , Im sure you are doing a fine job , and next time she phones say oh i have to go son has just got out the door and is running past the window naked give her something to TUT about

Backpack with reins attached is available from amazon. Bolting into a road could be fatal. Your s-i-l should just give him one of those as a present and should know better than to criticise your parenting.

i am so fed up with being told that we are doing it so wrong especially in comparison with other countries, how about we write a book 'why british children smile and wait their turn' not saying that no others countries children do not do that by the way!! my dcs don't throw food fwiw

OP, it is ALL YOUR FAULT!! Everything. Syria, Afganistan, natural disasters. Because you are a liberal mother. I know this because your SIL told me.

Mine knows the word no, and it means I can take him into a shop and he won't touch things if I say it. However I wouldn't trust it to stop him bolting and he's only 1 and a half so has no proper sense of danger yet.

I use reins (also means I can stop him from hitting the floor if, as he's running around he catches his foot).

I can't imagine things are going to change for quite a while yet, and I'd prefer to know he's safe on reins than strap him into a buggy, force him to hold my hand/carry him/rely on him hearing me yell 'No' and act on hit when out and about near a road.

Op try a bit of good old fashioned sarcasm.

A nice little well dh and I want him to grow up to be a free spirit. We don't want him to feel constrained by the inflexible boundarys of an oppressive society. If if means he gets run over or disappears never to be seen again it will be sad but it's a risk we're more than happy to take. You people and your obsession with keeping kids safe are just stifling them, we want to encourage him to run free

See what that does to her - I've had 2 kids therefore know everything and need to teach you - face!

HTH. [Grin]

Damn it, smiley face fail.

No one should be able to tell you how to raise your child. I hate it when my family try to tell me that I should do this and that when my DS is a very happy well behaved little boy.

YANBU. I have noticed I get complimented on my parenting or hear approving noises from strangers when I'm telling my kids not to do something. Not to be loud, not to run, not to bang on the glass, etc. all these things are good things to teach my kids in the right circumstances but they are a very small part of what they have to learn. I don't hear the same comments when I'm teaching them to balance on a wall, or draw pictures in the mud, or develop their appreciation of the world.

Makes me a bit sad really.

I feel your pain OP, my son is v. hyperactive and did have one person say something similar to me.

very hurtful and insensitive.

SuchProspects So true you get noticed much more if your child is loud or misbehaving then when they are quiet.

I feel that we live in an age that places unrealistic expectations on parents. In our efforts to eradicate awful parenting (was always there, will always be there, no matter what we do) we're putting undue pressure on everyone else.

I mentioned this in another thread, I might make a thread about it

the 'supernanny' generation where people feel they are entitled to force their opinions on parenting on anybody. with how ever little experience they have and often are like 'welll on supernanny.....'

I like the show and Jo Frost is great , but its created a very entitled genration of young and old people who just think they are experts on everything.

blame supernanny and the like that bringing up children should be done one way and no other way everythign is about strict rountine, strict boundaries and showing who is boss all the time

i am often told by friends who follow strict routine how ds must have this in his life, same friends who are moaning how when in holiday their children play up, when they are not back by 7pm their children get stroppy and so on and monaing that they ignore the naughty step

funny i do not lecture them. do what feels right for you and your child

I'm not Slamming Jo Frost btw, shes had alot of experience and its pretty good at getting to the real root of the problem.

But the viewers seem to think that watching one hour of a heavily edited programme gives them cridenshuls''

I have so much sympathy with the OP. My DD was a bolter at 2 - if you took her anywhere, she would run away. It used to drive me to distraction. And it's all very well saying "You must teach them the meaning of 'No'" - but how? At that age they're impervious to reason. Short of slapping them hard (which I wasn't going to do), I don't see how you can make them do what you want.

And if it isn't miserable enough being in a complete state about your child always running away, then someone else comes along and tells you it's your fault that you're not teaching them properly. I would be so tempted to tell your SiL to f the f off.

YANBU! My DS was a bolter too, despite my best efforts to stop him. Reins, extra straps on the buggy, extra bolts on the garden gate made no difference because he soon learnt to undo them. I had to pay for things at checkouts with one hand because I needed the other to keep him in the buggy. It's not you, or your parenting, some kids are like just that - even my HV thought so! Ignore your SIL. When she comes out with this stuff, just nod politely and change the subject.

Oh, and DS did grow out of it, and is now 19 yo, not anti-social, brattish or in any other way dysfunctional. He does like to travel though.