christ on a bike, I normally hold it together in the face of her adversity but tonight was one tantrum too many.
dd1 (age 5) was/ is a fairly placid compliable child and we never had to experience the proverbial 'two's terrible', so this is all new to us.
DP works abroad for two weeks on and two weeks off (as pay rate is doubled over there) and I work three 10 (sometimes more) hours, three days a week.
It started this morning with both dds getting up way too early (normally i get to wake quietly and at least have a cuppa and get halfway through my bath) and both being tired, demandy and grumpy.
In a nut shell, the carpet got shat on (my fault for not replacing the wayward nappy that had fallen off as I was still trying to get out of the bath) dd2 was swiftly bathed (separate water as i had drained mine), and point refused to get out. Meltdown ensued. Kicking, hitting (!) and going blue in the face. For a while.Inconsolable. Still, i held it together without getting too stressed.
Left for work feeling I'd done a full day already.
So, tonight. Both girls are knackered when I pick them up at 6.15 from the CM. In fairness dd1 realises that i'm tired and calms down.
After dinner (of beans on toast- cos i'm too shagged to contemplate anything adventurous) we have story time. Dd2 wants the same book we have had every night for the past 5 weeks (as she would) and dd2 wants another. So read dd2 her book while dd1 get her PJs on. All is fine.
Dd1 and I then read her story (and pick out the keywords that she's doing very well learning). Dd2 then wants a woodpeckery thing that is not a toy, and I said 'No' (in hindsight should have given her the fucker but don't want her to grow up thinking that she can have everything that she wants just cos she demands it).
Meltdown ensues. Screaming (poor dd1 does not get all of her story- which is ok cos she's tired too), hitting (after which she wouldn't apologise or receive a cuddle), basically exorcist behaviour is full on. Wouldn't have a cuddle. Wouldn't go upstairs to bed.
So here's the crux. By this stage I was soooo tired and dd2's incessant, red faced screeching, I, at that point, became unable to behave as the rational mother that I usually am and snatched her up (pretty roughly) shouted at her (seeing red and so angry) and yoinked her up the stairs. I've never been so angry, I dont think.
My principles are such that I would never smack my children as (clearly) its a shite and unlightened form of discipline. Fuck I was so close though.
I phoned my dp in tears as I was so ashamed of my behaviour.
Please tell me I am not a loony who needs anger management.