To keep my children away from a funeral wake?

[Mummyinamuddle]

This is a genuine question, I really don't know if IABU or not. DH's maternal GM passed away this week. MIL is notoriously pushy and our conversation today went like this: "after crematorium (SIL) is going to pick up her DCs and bring them to the wake so it'd be nice if you do that too. I've got lots of family coming who want to see them and I'm sure it won't be morbid blah blah blah".

I realised later that in the usual way I'd been railroaded into something without it being my or my DHs parental decision. Do we want our DCs at a wake? DTs are 3 and a half and baby just turned 1. In some ways I think they'd be fine and just see it as a party but I'm really not sure. Am I just getting my back up against MIL for her pushiness and really there'll be no problem?

Advice please!

I wouldn't worry, like you say it will be like a party to them, they won't realise the real occasion. I agree that other members of the family would welcome seeing them too.

IME children are a flipping godsend at a wake - distraction, positivity and hope all rolled into one.

Sorry for your family's loss.

What Chaos said. I wouldn't think twice about taking my boys to a wake of a family member.

I second Chaos.

Thankfully, you haven't been railroaded into having your little dc attend the funeral...

I agree they would be welcomed. Sorry for your loss..

Another who agrees with Chaos and also sorry for your loss.

I can understand why she wants her GC there on the day she says goodbye to her Mother. They are like a legacy and they are the continuation of the family after one if the older members passes away.

Of course, they are your children as well and they aren't there to provide grieving relatives with comfort, but they will enjoy seeing family members and being fussed over. It certainly won't do them any harm.

Almost every wake I have been to (and I have been to a lot) has been not at all morbid, it's like people need to be cheerful after a funeral ceremony just to counteract the misery if the earlier part of the day. Even when the deaths have been younger people or unexpected.

It won't do any harm to take them, they are part if the family and it will be a family day. I'd take them as long as your dh wants to.

I agree with Chaos

Sorry for your loss OP

Agree with Chaos and also with your own last sentence
You are just getting your back up against MIL for her pushiness and really there'll be no problem I've taken my small DC to 3 funerals, they were fine. The wakes were, as you said just a party in their eyes. DS still refers to my Granddad's wake as 'Grandpa's goodbye party' The presence of young children at a wake is (as most wakes themselves are) a very comforting, life affirming thing.
Sorry for your loss :(

mil pushy but probably stressed with grief and needs to organise everyone any way........................

sorry for your loss too.....

maybe you could take some control back from her and help with some of the organising??

i think wakes are a good opportunity to start teaching children, but to be honest they will be more interested in the biscuits...so mke sure there are hula hoops and party rings!!

Wakes are rarely morbid. Infact I prefer them to weddings - same people, better conversation and no awful DJ .

Life should be celebrated. Death isn't something that should be hushed up and glossed over.

I agree with all who say children at a wake is fine. At my Mum's funeral three friends were going to bring one DC each. At the last minute one of my friends said her DD didn't want to come after all, so there were only 2 DC there. But the wake was quite a jolly affair (well, as jolly as these things can be) and the 2 DC who were there had a happy time eating and playing - the other friend said to me what a shame her DD hadn't come cos she would have had fun playing with the other two.

I think it also helped that I'd said I wanted a 'colourful' funeral in celebration of Mum's life, so, with the exception of one person, nobody was dressed in black.

I don't actually think wanting your family present at your mother's wake could be described as pushy..........

I agree there is no issue with taking children to a wake.

We were at a funeral last week for a young man who died following complications of treatment for cancer. While the funeral was desperately sad his wake was lovely and not at all morbid. As someone else said the death of a grandparent (assuming they were not too young) while sad, is generally not a tragedy, and I would imagine that the wake has even less scope to be morbid than the one I attended recently.

While they are your children and therefore it is up to you and not your mil try not to use this as the time you finally tell mil to butt out and stop railroading you into things you are not happy about. She will be grieving.

I think your children will be fine.

Thanks for your comments. Feel ok about taking them now. Please don't think I'm being a cow to MIL at such a horrible time for her. She is ALWAYS pushy in what she thinks is a subtle way! I just get sick of it sometimes and it spoils what otherwise is a good MIL/DIL relationship.....maybe I need a new thread!

Obviously they are your children so you make the ultimate choice but I don't think your mil is being unreasonable.

Ds was 1 and then 3 when my grandma passed away. My best friend has been in my life since I was 5 so knows all my family very well (my grandma actually used to sign her cards to her as from grandma dot) so said she would have liked to go to the funerals too. But she wanted to be helpful too so the compromise was that she looked after my ds during the service and then brought him and her dd who is the same age to the wake.

Ime wakes are not sad weeping and wailing affairs, and the kids there just enjoyed the party and attention they got.

They will be fine, but your MILs cackhandedness would put my back up too.

But she´s just lost her mum & is trying to make it as easy as possible on herself.

And it should be a celebration of the person´s life, shouldn´t it?

Yes, they'll be fine. DSs and DD were at my grandmother's wake - i had to miss the funeral as I didn't think that was terribly appropriate (DD was 18 months old, the boys 6 and 8) so we went to the beach to remember her whilst that part was on. They just messed about in the garden at the wake and had fun, which is how my grandmother would have wanted it. It was just a party - I think it often is when older people die.

Sorry for your family's loss, OP. This isn't really a wake, though, if it's after the crematorium - I'd thought your post was going to be about worrying about the potential effects of taking your children to a wake in a house where the coffin was open. Which is entirely normal to me as an Irish person from a funeral-going culture - and I've been attending such things since I was tiny - but I've realised since being on Mn, that much of the UK regards children's attendance at funerals very differently.

OP - how many funerals have you been to out of interest?

Sorry - not sure what the correct term for reception/party/gathering post-cremation is!

Northern - errrrm been to lots of old people's, one middle aged person and a young person's. My point is I've never taken children. I've either been pregnant or joining in the drunken merriness. TBH I've had great times at post-funeral-gatherings followed by the worst hangovers! I've just never thought about any issues related to taking children.

I guess my problem isn't just with my MIL or if IABU, but with the wider issue of how and when to address death and dying with my DCs. I'm not sure how to handle it if they question what's going on. They're only 3 and I'm worried about scaring them.

I thought that might be the case - which is why I asked how many funerals because sometimes people haven't been too many and that makes them reluctant to take dcs. I have to go to work now but will be back later with some thoughts.

Take them! They will enjoy seeing everyone and cheer them up at the same time.
The majority of wakes I have been to have been happy sociable events, remembering the person in a positive way and celebrating their life. It's always nice to catch up with family and friends you've not seen in a long time.

Regarding the terminology, I come from the North of England and the "tea and cake" after a funeral is always called a wake. Most people down south where I now live seem to call it that too.

As for taking children, it is normal to keep them away from the actual service and just take them to the wake afterwards.