To keep my children away from a funeral wake?

[Mummyinamuddle]

This is a genuine question, I really don't know if IABU or not. DH's maternal GM passed away this week. MIL is notoriously pushy and our conversation today went like this: "after crematorium (SIL) is going to pick up her DCs and bring them to the wake so it'd be nice if you do that too. I've got lots of family coming who want to see them and I'm sure it won't be morbid blah blah blah".

I realised later that in the usual way I'd been railroaded into something without it being my or my DHs parental decision. Do we want our DCs at a wake? DTs are 3 and a half and baby just turned 1. In some ways I think they'd be fine and just see it as a party but I'm really not sure. Am I just getting my back up against MIL for her pushiness and really there'll be no problem?

Advice please!

Death shouldn't be scary.

I think we do children a disservice by keeping them away from death, especially normal, natural death from old age or illness. It doesn't traumatise them to see adults with a normal, natural level of upset.

My sister has been sheltered all her life, Grandpa's funeral was absolutely awful for her. She desperately wanted to see him to say goodbye, but couldn't bring herself to go into the room where the coffin was. Really hard for her.

So basically, go, don't worry about MIL, it's nice that the kids are welcome, maybe she's being nice, even a stopped clock is right twice a day

Ah, OK - thanks squeakytoy. Am just a foreigner in your land. And haven't been to many funerals here, to be honest. In Ireland, there would be no question about the appropriateness of taking even small children to the funeral service itself, but I think one of the major differences with UK funerals is that Irish Catholic funerals happen almost immediately after a person's death, with the first part (of three) often taking place in the evening of the same day, whereas here funerals seem to happen after a longer period, and to generally be rather more formal, possibly partly because there's more time for preparation and to arrange childcare...?

its my great grandads funeral on friday and im taking my littlies (4 weeks,18 months,3 next week) to the wake but only the 4 week old to the funeral and cremation (shes bf so cant leave her) and dh is taking them to a soft play centre as its hour and half drive away from home.

I think as they are only little they will be a nice comforting distraction from sadness of the cremation , Children are really a godsend at things like this , My nana died when dd1 was 5 months old , we didnt take her to the funeral but picked her up after wards and everybody was cooing over her , Its nice for familiy to be together in times of sadness imo , you wont scare them you just have to say that grandma was very old and she died , death shouldnt be scary for children if they are informed ,

Hardcheese I was thinking the same as you, to me a wake is where everyone comes to the house and views the open coffin. I didn't realise that the 'after funeral gathering' in England is called a wake. You live and learn !

OP, sorry for your loss, but I agree with everyone else, I think taking the children along is fine. It gives people something to focus on at a sad time, and it won't traumatise the children.

OP - my dad died 3 weeks ago. He was young, it was sudden and unexpected. 2 of my 4 dcs came to the crematorium service (they are 11 and 9) by their choice and they knew they could leave at any time. Dear friends looked after our 4yo and 2yo during the service and we took all 4 children to the 'do' afterwards. Having them there was absolutely right for everyone, not least my mum. Similarly I took my then 2yo ds2 to my grandmother's post funeral tea. It does gladden the heart, they are a joyful reminder of the continuance of the family, they will only focus on dancing around and eating cake. If I were you, I would take them.

is that Irish Catholic funerals happen almost immediately after a person's death

How interesting, I didn't know that.

Where I grew up (black country) 8 days between the death & funeral was the norm. Anything less than 7 days was thought of as indecently hasty.